


Semicolon

by Denrhea



Series: Semicolon Universe [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Chris Giacometti is the best of friends, Cutting, Depressed Victor Nikiforov, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Sad Victor Nikiforov, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, So is Phichit Chulanont, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, self destructive tendencies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2018-11-14 04:04:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 70
Words: 134,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11200086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Denrhea/pseuds/Denrhea
Summary: Struggling with depression, Victor tries to find meaning with life...and that meaning may come in the form of an anxiety ridden Yuuri who danced into his life unexpectedly when he needed him the most.  With the best of supportive friends, this couple may possibly stand a chance and Victor may find his salvation along with his story.





	1. Drown (Victor)

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This has mentions of suicide attempt(s) and self destructive tendencies.
> 
> This work is FINISHED. You are welcome to leave comments but I may not necessarily reply.

* * *

 

[Drown](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FU5ifmugneM)

 

Standing on the podium, Victor willed his face into the expected smile.  Chris glanced his way, though, and could see that it didn’t reach his eyes.  Sighing, he knew that his suspicions were correct.  Their friendship built off the last time Victor crashed.  Three years prior, he found the man lost in himself, considering the unimaginable.  The razor never touched his skin.  Chris closed his hand over the other man’s hold until he relinquished the blade.  “Help,” he whispered.

Chris located Yakov and between the two of them, they were able to get Victor the help he needed without a word of it reaching the press.  The official word was that he was taking a few weeks to visit family.  In reality, he was in an exclusive mental health facility that catered to celebrities.  Victor found his way back from the darkness.  At the next event when he met Chris, they had gone together to the tattoo parlor.  It was a simple tattoo on the inside of his finger.  A semicolon.  A simple reminder that life still had hope.

This night, Chris saw his friend struggle once more.  After they left the podium, their paths separated but Chris couldn’t let go of the nagging feeling his friend was in trouble.  Back at the hotel, he sought him out. 

Victor sat staring out the window of his room.  He looked up as Chris entered and smiled but he didn’t hide the sadness.  He didn’t hide the struggle.  Chris knew him too well.  He motioned to the chair across from him.

“Rough day?” Chris began.

Victor shrugged, again staring out the window.  “Meaningless,” he finally whispered.

“I think I could have found meaning in that medal,” Chris commented with a raised eyebrow.

“Perhaps.  But for me…I’m done,” he turned, meeting Chris’s eyes.

“What do you mean ‘done’?”  A shiver went up Chris’s spine as he studied Victor.

“I feel no joy in anything,” he confessed.  “Chris, I’m falling…”

Chris studied his friend before leaning forward and taking his hand.  “I know, Vitya.  Trust me, I see you.”

Victor smiled sadly unconsciously stroking the tattoo on his finger.  “Sometimes…I feel lost.  The silence.  It is killing me, Chris.  I need…”  He paused as he stared out the window once more.  Shaking his head, he shrugged.  “If I knew what it was, I wouldn’t be in this state.”

“Let’s go to the banquet together.  My boyfriend isn’t here and you need a friend.”

“I don’t feel like people, Chris,” Victor sighed.

Chris squeezed his hand to get Victor to look at him.  “I know you don’t but the last thing you need is to be alone, Vitya.  Do this.  Do this for me.”  He held Victor’s eyes for a while before the man nodded in agreement.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Music greeted the skaters at the banquet and as Victor looked around, his eyes fell upon the Japanese Yuuri.  If possible, he looked worse than Victor at the moment.  Victor watched him down one glass of champagne then another.  This couldn’t be good.  He leaned towards Chris.  “We may need to keep an eye on that one.”

Chris nodded in agreement, although a bit of mischief bubbled up inside.  “You should go for him,” he suggested.

Victor looked at him incredulously.  “He practically ran from me when I offered him a photo earlier.”

“Perhaps he is just…shy.  He’s certainly cute,” Chris commented.

“Cute?  He’s beautiful!”  Victor realized what he said and blushed, turning away from his friend. 

Chris merely grinned.  He had often thought that Victor’s depression was tied to his loneliness.  Victor had relationships but they were often shallow and short lived.  Victor craved depth.  He desired someone to see past the fake smiles.  He longed for someone to truly see him.

Turning towards the dark haired Yuuri, Chris wondered just how many glasses the boy was going to consume.  Another glass was placed on the table behind him and then Chris raised an eyebrow as he moved away from the table.  He rested his eyes on Victor and moved purposefully in his direction.  This could get interesting, Chris thought.

The Russian Yuri watched him with derision.  The dark haired man boldly stepped before the blond and shocked the onlookers with his next words.  “Can you back up your earlier words?” he challenged.  “On the floor!  Dance off, now!”

The blond scowled, glancing at Victor who raised an eyebrow his direction.  Turning, he stomped toward the dance floor.  “You’re on!”  The Japanese man nodded toward the DJ who announced the challenge and changed the music to match the mood.  Victor with Chris not far behind moved closer to the dancing and watched with rapt interest. 

“And to think you were going to stay in your room,” Chris commented, noting the fire starting to flicker in his friend’s eyes. 

Yuuri Katsuki wiped the floor with the JGP gold medalist.  The angry blond kitten stomped off to lick his wounds.  Chris and Victor exchanged glances as the Japanese man approached them.  “Who’s next?”

Victor’s hesitation cost him the next opportunity.  Chris stepped forward and with a sultry gaze, he suggested something a little more risqué.  “Bring it,” Yuuri replied, following Chris’s lead to…what was that?  When did that stripper pole get mounted?  Victor suspected Chris made adjustments to the décor earlier.  He watched his friend strip down with ease and then cocked an eyebrow towards the Japanese man.  Victor’s mouth fell open when the other man did not hesitate to strip down to his boxers.  He then lost his composure completely when the man then pulled himself up on the pole. 

The movements that followed held the platinum blonde’s attention the entire time.  The Japanese matched Chris move for move with ease and held himself on the pole with thighs of steel and impressive upper body strength.  That didn’t surprise Victor.  The man was a figure skater after all.  The fact that he could dance a pole like a pro, however, was intriguing. 

As Chris dismounted, he whispered something to the young man who laughed in response.  Victor watched curiously.  His mouth went dry when the beautiful brunette turned his direction.  What did Chris say? 

“Victor, dance with me,” he demanded.  Victor found he couldn’t refuse the man.  Stepping into his reach, the man pulled him to the dance floor.  “If I win, will you be my coach?” he teased.  Victor’s mouth opened but words didn’t find purchase on his tongue.  He found himself led into a flamenco followed by a tango and several other dances.  Victor had not felt so alive in years.  This man stirred something in him that he thought long dead. 

As the night continued, the champagne caught up to his dance partner.  “Yuuri,” Victor purred.  The brunette ground against his leg and looked up at him in inebriated infatuation asking him once again to be his coach.  Sighing, the older man took pity on him.  “Let’s get you to bed, my friend.”  He guided him from the room and towards the elevator.  He caught the knowing expression from his friend and shrugged in reply.

 

* * *

 

 

They arrived at Yuuri’s room and after watching the younger man struggle with his key card, Victor offered to unlock the door.  Soon, they tumbled inside.  Victor glanced around the room thoughtfully.  The suitcase sat open on the rack across the room and within it Victor could see precisely folded clothes.  More clothes hung in the wardrobe organized into outfits.  His skate costumes were hanging from the outside airing out before they’d be packed away for the journey home.  Victor slid his fingers along the fine fabric.  His costumer wasn’t bad, he noted.  Looking on into the closet, however, he realized that his shopping needed definite fine tuning.  Facing the man, he already knew that.  The off the rack suit and low quality tie showed…a more conservative spending style. 

He took the Yuuri’s jacket and hung it on an empty hanger, sliding it into place on the closet rod.  Turning, he found the younger man weaving.  Laughing, he lunged to steady him.  “Not so fast, my friend.”  Victor guided him to the bed.  He began to unbutton his shirt.  “I know this is quite personal, but in the end you will thank me.”  The shirt in hand, he returned to the wardrobe and added it to the collection.   The tie…he considered tossing it into the trashcan momentarily before slipping it over the hook of the hanger.  Turning back to Yuuri, he found the man lying back on the bed, his feet resting on the floor. 

“Are you going to sleep in your pants?” he inquired. 

Yuuri opened one eye and considered his response.  Shaking his head, he sat up and began to undo them.  He felt a bit unsteady and reached for the other man who helped him stand.  Taking a deep breath, he pushed them down his hips and let them fall, stepping out of them before falling back onto the bed.  “Why are you taking care of me?”

Victor laughed uncertainly.  “You asked me to be your coach.  I thought I’d see what that entailed,” he teased.

“I’m a bit of a…mess,” the brunette confessed.

Victor laughed once more.  “So I’ve noticed.  Quite the hand full.”

Yuuri curled up and watched Victor hang up the pants before answering, “You don’t know the half of it.”

“It could be…interesting…to find out,” Victor commented.  He didn’t know what he was saying.  Encouraging this boy’s fantasy.  He should be ashamed of himself but he found himself grabbing onto any excuse to stay in his company.  “Do you need any further assistance?”

Yuuri pouted.  “Do you have to go?”

Victor answered with an affectionate sigh.  “I think that I should.  You are in no shape to make decisions tonight.”  He helped the other man settle into bed as he pulled the blanket up over his shoulder.  Running his fingers through Yuuri’s hair, he smiled thoughtfully as he brought his other finger up before his lips.  He continued to card through his hair as Yuuri’s breathing steadied.  Turning, he spotted pen and paper on the table.  He left a note with a number and the words “Call me, Victor.”  At the door, he turned back once more and smiled as he considered the possibility.  “Maybe in another life,” he whispered.  “There isn’t much of me left in this one.”  Turning, he slipped out the door, securing it behind him.

Chris stood in the hall waiting for him.  “I thought you would be the nice guy.”

“He was drunk and in no condition to consent,” Victor responded dryly.  Chris nodded as he studied his friend.  They turned and walked towards the elevator.    “How did you know where I was at?”

“Yuuri dropped his keycard and phone earlier.  I returned them to him after I noted the room number.”

“So diligent.  Are you going to put me to bed now?”

“Whatever you need,” he responded quietly.

 

* * *

 

 

Chris guided his friend to the door and followed him into the room.  His boyfriend knew about Chris’s love of this man.  It was an open relationship for a reason.  Chris’s polyamorous heart had room for so much love.  As Chris helped Victor undress, he reflected on the past years.  They began after the visit to the tattoo parlor building quickly into a relationship.  Victor, though, could not be in a nonexclusive relationship.  When Victor sat him down and confessed, they agreed to continue as friends.  They still connected, though, on nights like this.  Chris would always be there for Victor and Victor knew this.  Chris had found him in the darkness that first time.  He became Victor’s guardian angel.

As Chris tucked the blankets around Victor with care, he smoothed his hair back.  Victor sighed quietly.  “I think I could fall in love with that man, Chris.”

Chris chuckled softly.  “I think you already have, my friend.”

“Will you stay with me?  At least until I fall asleep?”

“Of course.”  He stretched out beside him and wrapped his friend in his embrace.  Victor did not need sex.  He needed something else from him.  The comfort of not being alone.  This is what they had become…friends who staved off one another’s loneliness.

“You know I’d be there for you as well, Chris,” whispered Victor into the darkness.

“I know.  I would expect it from you,” Chris teased.  “You are my best friend.”

“Your boyfriend is most understanding,” Victor whispered.   “So much better than your previous boyfriend.”  Both he and Chris knew he was talking about himself.  “I’m glad for that,” he whispered softly.

Chris brushed a kiss against Victor’s forehead.  “I think we are where we are supposed to be at this point, Vitya.  And I was where I was meant to be back then.”  That night forever connected the two of them.  He wondered if Victor’s next boyfriend would understand their relationship.  He thought back about what he knew about Yuuri Katsuki.  They had a mutual friend.  Phichit was Katsuki’s best friend.  Are they as close as he and Victor?  He would have to touch bases.  Somehow he had to get them together and Phichit might join his team.


	2. Inner Demons (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri returns home to face his disappointments...

* * *

 

[Inner Demons](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gydcChFnzQ)

 

Yuuri rolled over and checked his phone.  His head pounded and he tried to make sense of the previous night.  Pushing himself up, he noted that someone left him a glass of water and something for the hangover beside his bed.  Champagne hangovers always left his stomach rolling, though.  As he raised himself up further, it hit him and he rushed to the bathroom bumping the nightstand along the way and sloshing the water.

 

Returning, he found the folded piece of paper but the ink ran where it got wet.  He wrinkled his nose to try and make it out.  “Call me.”  The shadows of a number but nothing definitive.  Then a “V”.  Everything else washed out.  He laughed at the random thought _what if it was Victor_.  The number was gone, however, as was the opportunity.  Perhaps fate knew best.  He was in no shape for a relationship.  He started to toss the note but something held it to his hand.  Sighing, he folded it back and slipped it into his wallet.  Perhaps he could use it as proof to Phichit that his love life needed no interference.

 

Phichit!  He grabbed his phone and texted his friend. 

 

**Yuuri/ I’m sorry!  Coach dragged me to the banquet and I forgot to call!**

 

Several minutes passed by and then the phone buzzed in reply. 

 

**Phichit/ Haha!  Don’t worry!  Did you have fun?**

 

**Yuuri/ Maybe?**

 

**Phichit/ What do you mean maybe?**

 

Reaching in his wallet, he snapped a picture of the note.

 

**Phichit/ WHAT!!!!  Who is V?**

 

**Yuuri/ I don’t know.**

 

There was a pause and Yuuri took that moment to put away the note.

 

**Phichit/ It could be Victor, you know.**

 

Yuuri rolled his eyes.

 

**Yuuri/ Don’t be ridiculous.**

 

**Phichit/ Admit that it is at least possible.**

 

Yuuri considered the thought a moment before responding. 

 

**Yuuri/ Let’s say it is possible but not probable.**

 

**Phichit/ Spoken like a true numbers man.  Speaking of numbers, what happened to it?**

 

Yuuri frowned, releasing a huff of frustration.

 

**Yuuri/ I bumped the side table and water spilled on it.  Champagne hangover.**

 

**Phichit/ Ah!  Too bad.**

 

**Yuuri/ Agreed.  V is at least thoughtful.  Left water and meds.**

 

**Phichit/ Aaah!  He took care of you!  Anything else?**

 

Yuuri laughed at his friend knowing what he meant and felt certain his virginity was still in place.

 

**Yuuri/ I’m going to say no to that.**

 

**Phichit/ A gentleman.  Perfect.  Now to find out who V. is.  Can I tweet it?  Instagram?**

 

Yuuri’s eyes widened in horror.

 

**Yuuri/ Oh, hell no!**

 

He knew Phichit was pouting.  He also knew his friend would hold back but would look for a way around the situation.  Sighing, he started packing.  Long flight.  Sleep.  Then start working towards Nationals.

 

* * *

 

 

Arriving in Detroit, Yuuri embraced his friend and roommate.  “I wish I could have been there for you, Yuuri!  I feel bad.”

 

“You couldn’t have fixed my mental state,” Yuuri responded quietly as he drew a shaky sigh.  “Still, it would have been nice to know if I stood a chance had Vicchan not died.”  He sighed sadly remembering the poodle he raised from a puppy.

 

“I know.  Did you at least talk to him?”

 

Yuuri raised an eyebrow knowing exactly who Phichit meant by _him_.  “He…offered me a ‘commemorative photo’,” he supplied.

 

“And?!!”

 

Yuuri kicked the floor as he studied the cracks between the tiles.  “I…umm…walked away.”

 

Phichit sighed as he studied his friend.  Wrapping his arm around the other’s shoulder, he leaned his head to touch Yuuri’s.  He heard Yuuri’s ragged breath.  Finally, Yuuri spoke once more.  “It’s probably for the best.  I mean, I just failed on the ice.  What could we even talk about?”

 

Phichit stepped before him and met his friend forehead to forehead.  “You did not fail, Yuuri.  You are sixth in the world at the moment.  That is far from failure.”  Wrapping Yuuri into a full hug, he added, “I know I’m proud of you.  You are just as important as Victor.”

 

Yuuri laughed bitterly.  “Maybe in your eyes, Phichit.  I’m sure I was nothing more than a fan to Victor.  Not even worth recognizing as a competitor.”

 

“I beg to differ,” Phichit argued, his eyes sparkling with mischief.  “We still don’t know who V is.”

 

Yuuri rolled his eyes.  “It’s not important.  Besides, I have classes to prepare for and Nationals to work towards.  Last term.  I can’t believe I’m about to graduate.”

 

“I don’t know how you kept up with it.  Psychology major with a minor in dance.”

 

“A couple more classes and it would be a double major.  I think I’ll add them.  It will keep me at full time.”

 

“Do you have time?”

 

“My professors have all worked with me up to this point.  And now it’s just major courses.  My psychology capstone is with my advisor.  The two dance courses I’m looking at are senior level studio ballet and studio management.  They are with Kendra Levy.  She will work with my schedule without a problem.”

 

“Isn’t she the one that talked you into taking that pole dancing course?”

 

“Mmmhmm.  And I ended up taking the second one as well.  She is dating the girl that composed that one piece for me.  Ketty Abelashvili.  I didn’t use it but I’ve heard the stuff she created for Kendra Levy.”

 

“That leaves one more course.  What are you thinking?”

 

“Sports injury prevention?  It should be easy and it fulfills one of the requirements for the second major.  And it only meets once a week.  The rest of the course is online.”

 

“I’m just going to be tapping away at the keys.  Programming gives me the flexibility I need.”

 

Yuuri chuckled softly.  “Dance gives me flexibility.  I’m not sure what computers do for you on the ice.”

 

Phichit pouted before responding, “I plan to have a social media empire!”

 

* * *

 

 

 

Two weeks later and Yuuri was in flight to Nationals.  He could tell his practices had been trash.  Celestino tried to encourage him and pull him out of his funk but his headspace refused to clear.  This became obvious when he crashed on the ice once more.  Looking up at his coach, he stated quietly, “I’m done.”  Defeat settled around his shoulders as he took the flight back to Detroit. 

 

Phichit tried to pull him out of his head.  “I know you walked away from Ciao Ciao but he’d take you back on in a moment.”

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “I can’t seem to find what made me love the ice to start with…it would be a waste of his time.”

 

“What are you going to do?”

 

“Finish my degree and go home.  It’s been far too long.”

 

* * *

 

 

 

Yuuri dove into his coursework and Phichit rarely saw him on the ice.  He knew his roommate hadn’t abandoned the rink.  He merely chose times when no one else was around quietly losing himself into the ice’s embrace.

 

Phichit, on the other hand, worked through his programs and continued to maintain his social media contacts.  Still, a private message from Chris caught him by surprise. 

 

**Chris/ Phichit!  Are you still friends with Yuuri?**

 

**Phichit/ Yes?**   (Curiosity tingled in his thoughts)

 

**Chris/ I’m asking for a friend.  Well, my friend doesn’t know I’m asking but why didn’t he contact Victor after the banquet?**

 

**Phichit/ Oh, shit!  It was Victor?!?!?!**

 

**Chris/ What do you mean?  Victor left a note.**

 

**Phichit/ This note?** (Phichit attached the photo of Yuuri's note to follow the message.)

 

**Chris/ Well, that explains a lot.  Listen.  Can we talk?**

 

**Phichit/ How about Skype?**

 

Soon Phichit had his computer open and Chris was ringing in.  “Hey!  So what’s going on?  I see that Yuuri didn’t advance to Four Continents.”

 

Phichit shrugged.  “He’s stuck in his head space.”

 

Chris frowned thoughtfully.  “Yeah, I’ve seen him get stuck there before.  Remember two years ago?  We took him out to try to get him to loosen up.”

 

“I remember that it didn’t work,” Phichit deadpanned.

 

“No.  I don’t suppose that it did.”

 

Phichit shifted his head to one side, narrowing his eyes at the other skater.  “So what’s do you want to talk about?”

 

“Well, Victor is…this is between us.  It goes no further.”

 

“Of course.   The same is to be said about anything dealing with Yuuri.”

 

“Okay, well, Victor is locking up inside.  I’ve seen him crash like this before.  It scares me.  When he gets depressed, sometimes he struggles pulling out of it.  I thought that Yuuri could shake him out of it.  He showed genuine interest at the banquet.”

 

“If there is alcohol involved, Yuuri may not remember all of it,” Phichit stated with a matter-of-fact voice.  “He gets blackout drunk.”

 

Chris nodded thoughtfully.  “There was a lot of alcohol involved to be honest.  And then the note was messed up.  So how do we get them together?”

 

“I’m not sure.  Is Victor’s interest real?  Yuuri…is not very experienced.  It’s hard enough to get him out of his shell and I don’t want to see him hurt.”

 

Chris laughed quietly.  “Victor is not the playboy the press makes him out to be.  And he’s obsessively following Yuuri’s social media…except that it’s been quiet.”

 

“Have him follow mine.  Yuuri doesn’t put a lot out there at the best of times.  Right now, he’s on social media blackout.  Trying to finish his final quarter in college.”

 

“What’s he studying?”

 

“Psychology and dance.”

 

Chris smiled appreciatively.  “I can tell he’s studied dance for years.”

 

“Since around five or six.”

 

“Anyway, keep in touch.  If you think of anything to get them together, let me know.  I’ll help out in any way that I can.”

 

“I’ll watch for the opportunity.”  Phichit paused for a moment before continuing.  “You know, Chris, that Yuuri’s idolized Victor for years.  It will be hard for him to see him as an equal.  That’s going to be a big obstacle.”

 

Chris waved off his concerns.  “Victor can cover that obstacle.  When you get to know him, you will find that he is very human.”

 

Phichit chewed on his lower lip.  “It’s Yuuri’s head space we’ve got to work past.”

 

“And Victor’s.  I worry about him when he starts to feel nothing.  It’s like he’s already checked out of the world.”

 

“Victor feels nothing and Yuuri feels everything,” Phichit declared, sighing heavily.  “What a pair they will make!”

 

“Indeed.  But Yuuri provided the first spark of life I’ve seen in Victor for months.  He needs that.”

 

“Yuuri needs someone to believe in him…because he can’t do it for himself.  Okay, I’ll keep you informed.  Skype chat okay?”

 

“Sure.  I keep this channel private so I know only close friends will reach me.”

 

“Same here.  Send me anything you think of.  Later, Chris.  I have an exam to study.”

 

“Good night, then.”  And then the call was dropped.  Phichit stared at the screen a bit longer and then he fought to contain himself.  Yuuri would go nuts with the news that it really was Victor.  But he knew his friend.  He knew Yuuri would make it into something dark and negative.  Leaning back against the wall, the computer at the foot of his bed, he considered his options.  In the end, he determined that for now, it was best to keep the information to himself.  He can use it to nudge Yuuri in the right direction.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Yuuri closed his eyes as the first strains of _Stammi Vicino_ came through his earbuds.  Midnight ice greeted his skates like an old lover as he lost himself in Victor’s routine.  He knew it like his own and wrapped himself up in the familiar movements.  It came to him so easily.  Sure he downgraded the jumps.  Still, the embrace of the music coaxed him out of the funk that had settled around him for so long.  This was the feeling he once felt.  This was the emotion that lured him to the ice and tied him to it.  If only he could hold onto it.  If only he could sail onto the wings of this feeling in his own programs.  If only he could hold tight to Victor’s inspiration. 

 

As the song wrapped up, he sighed quietly to himself as he wrapped his arms around him in an embrace that reached outside of himself.  He graduated tomorrow.  He would be back home in less than a week.  Five years.  Why did he wait so long?  Like everything else in life, he felt unworthy.  Unworthy of his parents’ devotion and support.  He failed.  He drew a shuddering breath considering his last night on Detroit ice. 

 

He pushed off once more grabbing hold of the coat tails of the song, losing himself once more.  It was so easy to disappear in the music.  This is what drew him to dance and the ice.  He couldn’t help but feel the break in his soul fill up with the snow and binding together with ice.  _Kintsugi_.  And ice was his gold.  He shivered but knew already he wasn’t finished with the ice. 

 

“This path has to change, though.  I can’t continue like this anymore.  I need to make a change.  I need to find my own way back to the ice.”   Turning slowly on the ice, he intoned softly, “You seem sad and lost, as well, Victor.  Perhaps you, too, have been abandoned.”  He shook off that feeling with a nervous laugh.  “I’m losing my mind.  I suppose that was inevitable.  How many psychology majors are on the edge of a mental breakdown of sorts?”

 

He continued to skate lazy circles as he cooled down.  Finally, he reached for his guards and stepped off the ice.  His exams were behind him.  He only had graduation and packing.  Phichit was mopey.  They planned to go out the next evening and celebrate his graduation.  “I’m going to miss you, Phichit,” he whispered to himself as he jogged across campus. 

 

The midnight air smelled crisp with early spring frost.  He never met change well.  He fought it with every footfall.  It took him almost a year to fully adjust to Detroit.  Would it take so long if he returned home?  With no coach?  _How will I find my way back to the ice?_


	3. Solitude (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor at the World Figure Skating Championship and right after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who read this before, this was the last chapter of the earlier posting. It's been updated. From this point forward, it's all new.
> 
> Thanks, Maggie, for jumping on board and beta reading for me!

* * *

 

 ****

[ Solitude ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGhk_LOlxMY)

 

Chris found Victor in his dressing room at the WFSC and was struck by the melancholy beauty before him.  If possible, he was even worse than at the Grand Prix.  His short program had been concise and technically flawless.  Yet, the performance lacked any depth.

 

Victor met his eyes in the mirror.  His lips twitched downward, his brow furrowed.  “Do I look that bad?”

 

Chris raised his eyebrows in surprise and shook his head honestly.  “You look…beautiful.”

 

“But?”

 

“I can feel your sorrow come off you in waves.  I’m worried, Victor.”

 

Victor placed his elbows on the vanity top and steepled his fingers before him.  “I’m not…I won’t…”  He sighed, dropping his hands and head.  Turning on the stool to face his friend, he watched Chris drop down to his knees before him.  He reached out and slipped his hand into the mass of blond curls.  “I just have to get through this performance.  One more time.  Then I can lay this program to rest.”

 

“And then?” Chris prompted, not liking the finality of his friend’s words.

 

“I…don’t know,” he responded honestly.  “If I can’t find my inspiration…”

 

Chris drew a deep breath.  Victor needed direction and Chris knew where to send him.  “He’s in Hasetsu.  He returned home to Japan.”

 

“How did you…” he began.

 

“Remember that I told you his best friend Phichit is a mutual friend.  I asked after him when the Japanese Nationals did not work out.  He kept me apprised.”

 

Victor’s eyes widened.  “You did that for me?”

 

Chris nodded taking Victor’s hand in his.  “It is possible that he doesn’t remember.”

 

“He was very drunk,” Victor conceded.  Then he tightened his jaw and added, “But I left a note.  He never called.”

 

Chris sighed searching for his words.   _Should I tell him?_ It wasn’t his information to give, so he did the next best thing and planted a theory.  “What if he didn’t get the message?  Things happen.  It could have fallen in the floor.”

 

“I…I suppose that is possible.  But how does that improve things?”  Victor’s brow furrowed.

 

Chris shrugged, offering an encouraging smile.  “Then you know it wasn’t a choice.”

 

“Your theory has a lot of leaps and jumps,” Victor responded doubtfully.

 

Chris laughed with a shrug.  “We are figure skaters.  We make leaps and jumps in our sleep.”

 

A small smile played on Victor’s lips.  “Do you think he’ll be watching?”

 

Chris drew a breath in surprise before responding, “I can almost promise you.  Skate like you are skating for him, Victor.”  One thread of hope, a _lifeline_ to keep Victor moving forward.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor skated just off center of the ice and took his initial position.   _Skate for Yuuri.  What emotion would reach you?_ Taking a deep breath, he reached down deep and found it.   _Longing.  I long for you, Yuuri._

 

Slipping into the arms of the music, he wrapped himself into it like an old lover reaching for something deep within, he recalled the emotion elicited by Yuuri, he recalled the fire he felt under the younger man’s gaze, he recalled the loss he felt when the other did not call him, did not reach back to him, did not turn his direction as he left the hotel.  Loss and longing edged the skate as he wrapped himself up.   _I may seem unworthy to you at the moment, Yuuri, but I’m trying.  I’m trying to pull myself back together.  I’m trying to find my feet again.  I’m trying to find my way to your side.  Just wait for me.  Let me come to you.  I want to stay close to you._

His thoughts found the translation to the lyrics, digging out the words…

 

_This story that has no meaning_

_Will vanish this night along with the stars_

_If I could only see you_

_Eternity would rise from hope_

 

 _My life has no meaning, Yuuri.  I lost all hope for meaning until I met you.  Please.  I need you to meet me where I’m at!_  The song wrapped up in a plea as his fingers met together in supplication.  The applause shook him from his thoughts.  He skated his bows and then towards the Kiss and Cry, scooping up a poodle plushie along the way.  He listened to the scores and already knew he had the gold.  He turned and spotted Chris, who met his sad but perhaps slightly hopeful smile.  Victor’s eyes implored his friend with his questions.   _Did I succeed?  Do you think he caught my message?_

 

Chris nodded slightly, but Victor caught the answer and the soft smile he returned.  He sighed, throwing his head up, closing his eyes.   _Please send me your answer._

 

* * *

 

 

**Chris/ Did Yuuri watch Victor skate?**

 

**Phichit/ He always watches Victor skate.**

 

**Chris/ Victor skated it for him.**

 

**Phichit/ Okay.  I’m packing to fly out tomorrow morning.  I’ll see Yuuri and see if I can give him a nudge.**

 

**Chris/ Thank you.**

 

**Phichit/ How is he?**

 

**Chris/ Ethereal...sadness comes off of him in waves.  I told him Yuuri would be watching to give him some hope.**

 

**Chris/ But I worry about him crashing...especially if there is no contact.**

 

**Phichit/ I’ll try and get something up on social media.  Give me a week.**

 

 **Chris/ Okay.**  

 

* * *

 

 

Two days later, Victor found himself in his apartment.  He buried his head into the fur of his dog.  “I’m in love and I don’t even know if he knows I exist,” he whispered.  “But he will.  Somehow, I will make sure of it.  Without him, my heart will turn to ice.”

 

Makkachin licked his face in answer and Victor laughed softly.  How he loved his dog!  The poodle sensed when Victor needed him close and would watch over him.  Some nights it was this dog’s dependence on him that kept him from teetering over the edge.  He didn’t want anyone else to have to take care of his baby just because he decided to disappear.  He stayed…for him.

 

Looking over at his phone as it buzzed, he could see possibly another reason to stay as his background lit up.  A picture of Yuuri he grabbed from Phichit’s Instagram floated across the screen.  He was thankful that Chris had him follow the Thai skater.  Where Yuuri’s social media was silent, he could gain glimpses in the other man’s life through his friend’s eyes.

 

“I’m not really thinking about checking out,” he stated aloud.  He needed to hear the words.  Leaning against the front of his couch, he brought his legs into a pretzel as he ruffled Makka’s fur.  The poodle found his way into Victor’s lap and a laugh escaped his lips.  He felt a bit of the tension bleed away with it.  “You are good for me, Makka.”

 

The tattoo caught his attention as his fingers splayed through his poodle’s curls.  Lifting it, he studied the simple black tattoo on the inside of his finger.  “My story is not finished yet, Makka.  I’ve just got to find my way back to it.”

 

Picking up the remote, he turned on the sound system and soon classical and opera filled the space.  Moving to the center of the floor, he began to stretch.  He soon found himself stretching on the ballet barre mounted on the far wall of his apartment.  As he moved through the various positions, he felt the music tease away more of the tension in his body.

 

His phone rang as he finished up his stretches.  Picking it up, he glanced at the caller id.  Yuri.  He would see the blond soon enough tomorrow.  Could it wait?  He started to ignore the call but something in him prevented him from being openly rude.  Pushing the button to accept the call, he heard Yuri’s venom cross over the airwaves.  “What took you so long, geezer?”

 

“You caught me on the barre,” Victor responded.

 

A pause before Yuri replied, “That doesn’t sound like a bar.”

 

“Not AT a bar, Yuri.  ON the barre.  In my apartment.  Stretching.”  A smile touched his lips inadvertently.  “What do you want?”

 

“Have you thought about my choreography?”  Yuri tapped on something impatiently.  Silence filled the air between them.  “What the fuck, Victor!  Did you forget?”

 

“Language, Yuri!  I just arrived home today.  Give me time to process my environment.  Okay?”  In fact, he had forgotten.  However, he had several pieces of choreography in the works.  Surely something would come together.  If he could keep his head clear.  He dropped down on the couch and soon found himself asleep.  He stirred as he felt Makkachin curl up in the crook of his knees and resting his head on Victor’s hip.  Victor’s fingers fluttered down to ruffle his poodle’s fur before fading back to sleep.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Interesting fact...the "lifeline" quote is actually the one that led to the story [Lifeline](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10333895/chapters/22843178). 
> 
> After Note: Translated lyrics from Stammi Vicino were found at this link: http://www.animelyrics.com/anime/yurionice/ariastayclose.htm


	4. Feel Again (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri back home in Hasetsu! Phichit arrives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new chapter! Yes! Hope you love the direction I'm taking with this.
> 
> Thanks, Maggie, for the read through.

* * *

 

[ Feel Again ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tMKO_9SD1Y)

 

Yuuri stood behind the doors of the train waiting for it to coast to a stop.  He dreaded the platform and what lay beyond.  Yet, he hungered for his family.  He wondered what emotion would play out as he faced his friends and family.  Glancing down at his form, he groaned inwardly about the weight he had gained.  Emotional eating paid its toll on his body.  He found he didn’t care as the last couple of months passed him by.  His studio time and rink time had greatly decreased.  He found himself sleeping quite a bit as he slipped into an all-time low.   

 

The doors opened to reveal posters of a more athletic Yuuri posted on pretty much every available wall.   _ Crap! _  He was going to be tormented from the start.  Then he spotted Minako.  

 

Taking a deep breath to steady his nerves, he stepped forward to meet his teacher.  He felt heavy and round and couldn’t be sure if it was real or a skewed perspective.  The shocked expression from his ballet instructor led him to believe in the realness. 

 

“Yuuri!” she greeted and began rattling with a level of energy that bowled Yuuri over.  He could feel his energy draining as she continued her onslaught of questions guiding him to her car. 

 

Pulling up in front of the inn, she led him inside.  He took a deep breath when he spotted his mom.  A smile teased his lips.  “Hi, mom.”  Minako went into a series of compliments on his mother’s weight loss when she rounded on him.  He shrunk back but soon found himself unveiled. 

 

“That is not a figure skater’s body!” she declared with disappointment.

 

“I see you are taking after your mother,” his father added fondly. 

 

He finally broke away from them and entered the room that enshrined his dog’s memory.  Paying his respects, he heard the door slide open.  Turning, he met his sister’s eyes.  She offered a supportive smile before returning to her chores. 

 

* * *

 

 

It took three days before he broke down and left for the rink.  With an approaching festival, the inn was overrun with people and Yuuri quickly found himself overwhelmed.  Reaching Ice Castle, he burst through the doors.  Yuuko stood at the counter organizing skates for rent later.

 

“Yuuri!” she squealed, running to embrace him.

 

He laughed warmly.  “It’s good to see you, Yuuko.”

 

“I thought you’d be all depressed,” she said as she stepped back and studied him.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I was at first…but then it got old.  I just needed a step back to regain my focus.  I wanted to return to the place where I first fell in love with skating.”

 

“So you came back,” she surmised.

 

He smiled, his brown eyes warm.  “Exactly.”

 

“Last season was rough,” she murmured.

 

Yuuri’s lips tightened as he nodded.  “I broke apart…but that just makes it easier to rebuild.  I just…don’t know what to do about a coach.”

 

“We could film you and send it to your old coach,” Yuuko suggested.

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “No.  It was time to break with him.  He is good in a lot of ways but…he’s not firm enough with me.  He was too worried about me breaking.”

 

“Oh, Yuuri,” she murmured.

 

“I’m not weak.  I may struggle with my anxiety, but I didn’t get this far by being weak.  I just…don’t know where to go.  I’m trying to figure it out.”

 

“Well? Do you have any immediate plans?”

 

“Skate.  Of course,” he responded with a grin.  “Phichit arrives in a couple of days.”

 

“He’s not breaking with your coach, too, is he?”

 

“No…not exactly.  I know he has to go home due to some family matters.  He’s trying to work it out with Ciao Ciao.  But he plans to keep him on as a coach as long as he can make it work.  Maybe part of the year in Thailand and part of the year in Detroit.”

 

“And that wouldn’t work for you?”

 

“I need…a new coach.”

 

“Well, the rink is free until six.  We have public skate from six to nine.  I know you do your best thinking on the ice.”

 

“Thank you, Yuuko.”

 

“Of course…I mean, we are best friends.”

 

Yuuri laughed quietly.  “Even though I kissed your boyfriend?”

 

“Well, it caught him off guard…but he ended up marrying me,” she replied with a wink.  Taking his hand and squeezing it, she added, “We were always together…the three of us.”

 

“I still suck at reading signals,” he confessed.

 

She grinned.  “In your defense, Takeshi can offer some pretty confusing ones.  It forced him to realize which of us he wanted.  I know…you were hurt for a while.”

 

He shrugged.  “More like embarrassed.  I thought…well, I didn’t know very many gay men.”

 

“Well, you were only half wrong,” she pointed out.  “If I wasn’t in the picture, no telling what would have happened.”

 

He took a deep breath and smiled.  “It’s for the best.  He is not made for this life and he’s genuinely happy with you.  We are better as friends.”

 

The ice welcomed him like a long lost friend and Yuuri embraced it.  Settling his mind, he began to skate through elementary figures.   _ V…what happened that night?  Do I know you?  Not well enough to have your number apparently.  That night feels like a ghost…I woke up in my boxer briefs, my clothes neatly hung in the closet.  Every evidence suggested that…you took care of me.  Then disappeared.  Who are you? _

 

He returned to the inn to find his ballet coach watching the World Figure Skating Championships.  “Yuuri!”  she called.  “Come watch with me!” 

 

Yuuri picked up the empty bottles with a raised eyebrow.  She judged him for his weight yet…he shook his head and cleared the mess.  He placed a water bottle in front of her and watched her make a face.  Raising his eyebrows, he looked at her intently.  “You drink that water and I’ll watch skating with you.  Deal?”

 

“Fine,” she pouted.

 

He found his place next to her and sighed.  He should have been there.  Shaking his head _.  No, I’m not going down that path.   _ He then started at the free skate line up.  _  Victor skated second to last.  Odd.  He normally skates the very last skate.  I didn’t watch the short program, though.  I’ll have to pull it up later. _

 

He knew this skate.   _ Stammi Vicino _ .   _ Stay Close to Me _ .  He watched the skate, so full of yearning, so full of…loneliness.   _ Are you lonely, Victor? _  Yuuri reached for the note in his wallet and pulled it out to study it.   _ What if… _

 

Looking up, he watched the skate and felt it strike a note with him. 

 

“He is far too sophisticated for such a skate,” Minako was saying.  “It should be skated by someone innocent.”

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “No…it’s…perfect,” he whispered.  “Flawless, as if he’s laying his heart out on the ice.” 

 

Minako twisted her lips thoughtfully.  “Maybe, but…I wouldn’t mind seeing you skate it.  Just to see how you capture the music.”

 

“Well, I have,” he chuckled.  “I can skate it…part of the jumps are downgraded but I know the choreography.”

 

She laughed.  “Of course you do, Yuuri.  It’s your Victor.  Too bad he’s not gay.”

 

Yuuri looked at her sharply.  “Why do you say that?”

 

“Say what?”

 

“That he’s not gay.”

 

“Well, he’s been photographed with a number of women,” she argued.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “But he’s also been pictured with a number of men.  He’s…private.  He has never been caught in scandal.  For all we know, he goes home at the end of the day and plays with his dog.”

 

“You have a very pure view of him,” Minako pointed out.

 

Yuuri shrugged and smiled quietly, thinking about that note and wishing he remembered that night.  “Let me have my dreams,” he murmured.  He then turned her direction and winked.  “You’d be surprised who all are gay in the figure skating world.”

 

Minako pouted.  “Now you, let ME have MY dreams.”  They giggled as Yuuri helped her to the room she was sleeping in for the night.  

 

* * *

 

 

Phichit arrived.  “Yuuri!” he greeted.  “Did you see Victor’s skate?”

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “Well, I watched his free skate but I missed his short program.  I thought we could watch it together after you arrived.”

 

Phichit grinned.  “Of course.  Where am I staying?”

 

“I have a futon laid out in my room.  It will be tight but it should do nicely.  So a week?”

 

“If you can stand me that long…my parents are getting my room ready.  Can you believe they rented it out while I was gone?  They have to pull all of my gear out of storage.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “How is your sister?” he murmured quietly.

 

Phichit became serious.  “Sukhon needs a kidney.  If I can give her mine, I will…but that means I’m out for the season.”

 

“Oh, Phichit.”  Yuuri sighed, frowning.

 

“You’d do the same for Mari.”

 

“Yes, I would,” he answered without hesitating. 

 

“For now, dialysis.  She goes several times a week.  I hope…one of us can help her.  I have two cousins also going in for testing next week.”

 

Yuuri guided Phichit to his room and they settled in for the night.  For once, Yuuri spent the evening comforting his friend.  They watched skate videos until they fell asleep snuggled up together.  It’s no wonder his parents thought the two of them were a couple.  

 


	5. Calling Me (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor's depression and decisions...
> 
>  
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: Irresponsible drug use and concern for suicide attempt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take note of the trigger warning above. Remember, Victor has depression with suicidal tendencies. There will be fluff along the way but if this seriously triggers you, you may want to rethink this fic.
> 
> MAGGIE, thank you for reading this through! :)

* * *

 

 

[ Calling Me ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMmWksDGLFg)

 

 

**Chris/ Hey, you didn’t contact me after you arrived home.**

 

**Victor/ Sorry, Chris.  I’ve been spending time with Makkachin and trying to figure things out.**

 

**Chris/ That’s what friends are for…to help you figure things out.**

 

**Victor/ I don’t even know if he saw me.**

 

**Chris/ He did.  Phichit just texted me.**

 

**Chris/ He said, “Victor laid his heart on the ice.”**

 

**Chris/ He sees you…much clearer than most.**

 

Victor felt a smile play across his lips.  So few saw him anymore.  Chris was an exception.  Could Yuuri be another?

 

**Victor/ Now what do I do?**

 

**Chris/ I’m waiting to hear from Phichit.  Be patient.**

 

**Victor/ Do you know if he saw the note?**

 

**Chris/ I can’t say.**

 

 

Victor frowned.   _ What was that supposed to mean? _  Sighing, he chalked it up to Chris saying he didn’t know.  

 

He curled up on the couch to spend another day napping with Makkachin.  They walked earlier.  Victor continued to avoid the rink.  His phone showed several missed calls from Yakov and his rink mates.  He closed his eyes and tried to sleep off his persistent headache.  His head always hurt when he cried a lot…or when he banked his emotions.

 

He later moved to his bed.  He tossed and turned.  Curling into himself, he cried once more...the pain indescribable.  Is it better to feel this pain or to be numb?  Pushing himself out of bed, he shuffled into the kitchen.  A glass.  Vodka.  Painkillers.  He crashed on the couch.

 

* * *

 

 

 

He woke up to pounding on his door.  Frowning, he sat up.  Glancing at his phone, he spotted a large number of missed calls and messages.  He pushed up off the couch and felt dizzy, his thoughts still muddled.  The mix of vodka and painkillers was not his best plan, he decided.  Opening the door, he came face to face with a red faced Yakov.

 

“Vitya!  Where have you been?  Why haven’t you been answering your calls?” he demanded.

 

Victor narrowed his eyes, confused.  “I-I don’t know.  I’ve been…here?”

 

His coach sighed, entering the room, shutting the door to provide more privacy.  Then he studied Victor’s eyes.  “What have you taken, Vitya?”

 

“Just a couple of painkillers…chased with a little vodka,” he defended.

 

His coach tightened his jaw before his eyes narrowed on the bottle sitting on the coffee table.  Scooping it up in his grasp, he read the label.  “Are you trying to kill yourself, Vitya?” he demanded.

 

“N-no…I’m just…I had a headache,” he finished weakly.  Was he?  He didn’t intend to but he couldn’t remember.  He watched his coach walk through the apartment grabbing all of the prescription painkillers and anything else questionable.

 

“Where’s your alcohol stash?”

 

“I don’t stash it, Yakov.  Vodka’s in the freezer.  I’m…out of the rest,” he confessed.

 

“Water…that’s all you are to drink for the next week.  Answer my calls.  Answer your rink mates’ text messages.  Everyone is worried.  You’ve been out of touch for five days now.”

 

“Five?  No…it’s been like three,” he protested, picking up his phone.

 

“This is why you don’t mix Oxy with alcohol!” his coach grated out.  “Damnit, Vitya!  You could have died.”  His coach’s hard stare shook Victor.

 

“I…I wasn’t trying to,” he protested weakly.  Closing his eyes, he dropped his head in defeat.  “But I haven’t been thinking clearly.”

 

“I know.  We all know.  Do we need to check you back into that treatment facility?” Yakov asked, his voice softening. 

 

Victor stared at the floor before him.  “I’ll check in with you.”

 

“I’d rather see you at the rink.”

 

Victor shook his head.  “Not yet…I can’t face the ice yet.”

 

“It’s not like a girlfriend you’ve cheated on,” Yakov grunted.  “Vitya…you’re happiest on the ice.  Shutting yourself up in your apartment is not a good thing.”

 

“Give me a couple more days…then I’ll come.”

 

“Answer your calls…and your messages.  I even had your Swiss friend call me worried.”

 

Victor’s lips parted, mouthing the word  _ fuck _ .  “Okay, Yakov…I realize I screwed up.  I’ll touch bases with everyone and I will check in.  Two days tops and I’ll be back.”

 

“If not, I’ll bring Yuri with me.  He’s already wanting to kick your ass.  Something about a debut program.”

 

“I’ll work on it and deliver it when I come to the rink next.”

 

After Yakov left, he sat down with his mess of a phone and began sorting through the messages.  Chris first.

 

 

**Victor/ I’m sorry.  I fucked up.**

 

**Chris/ I’ve been worried sick about you.**

 

**Victor/ I took Oxy…**

 

**Chris/ Okay…how many?**

 

**Victor/ one or two…chased with some vodka**

 

**Chris/ Fuck!  Are you okay?**

 

**Victor/ I slept it off…Yakov just cleaned out my cabinets.  He’s given me two days to get back on the ice.**

 

**Chris/ Victor…were you trying to hurt yourself?**

 

**Victor/ I was trying to stop the pain.  I wasn’t thinking.  My head had hurt for two days straight.**

 

**Chris/ You should probably get checked out anyway.  Did he really clean you out?**

 

**Victor/ I don’t have any meds and only water to drink.**

 

**Chris/ God, Vitya!**

 

**Victor/ I know.**

 

**Victor/ Chris?**

 

**Chris/ Yes?**

 

**Victor/ Give me less time to answer next time.  Even if I avoid everyone else, I won’t avoid you.**

 

**Chris/ Understood.  One hour tops.**

 

**Victor/ Just enough time to get off the ice.**

 

**Chris/ Exactly.**

 

**Victor/ Thanks.  I think…your call is what made Yakov come check on me.**

 

**Chris/ Please don’t scare me like that again.**

 

 

The rest of the messages were quick and simple.   _ Sorry for worrying you.  I’ll be back in two days _ .  Yuri answered back wanting to know if he had a program for him.  Victor responded it was in the works.  Frowning, he thought about Yuri…which moved his thoughts to Yuuri.  Sliding his fingers along his music, he found some pieces he ordered to be composed. 

 

The CD held six pieces but he would be focusing on two of them.   _In Regards to Love:  Agape_ _and In Regards to Love: Eros_.  The other four were also found in Greek philosophy.   _Ludus_ , the playful love of children and young lovers; _Philia_ , the love of deep friendship; _Pragma_ , the long-standing love of long-married couples; and _Philatia_ , the love of self, not narcissism, but self-compassion.   _Agape_ , though, selfless love, the love of others…this is the emotion he would have Yuri explore.  And _Eros_ , sexual passion and desire.  Chris would love this one.  But, remembering the dances he shared that one night in December, he’d love to see Yuuri dance to it on the ice.  Would it be presumptuous to present him with a program?  Especially if the other man didn’t remember him?

 

Victor played the tracks, listened to the timing, closed his eyes and created the programs in his thoughts.  He pulled out a notebook and soon drafted the first choreography, then the second.  A smile touched his lips.  He could see Yuuri skating to both pieces.  He had studied Yuuri’s skating and knew his style well, artistic and emotional, he wore his heart on his sleeve, driven by passion.  Perfect for  _ Eros _ .  Yuri would be challenged by  _ Agape _ but his youth and innocence would bring it to life.  Both of them would fight him.

 

* * *

 

 

The phone started buzzing like crazy from notifications the next day.  “Yakov,” he muttered as he walked across the floor to pull it off the charger.  “You said I had one more day.”  He frowned as he looked at the phone.  He was tagged in a video that apparently went viral. Wrinkling his nose, he settled onto the couch, calling Makkachin to stretch out in his lap. 

 

[ [ Yuuri Katsuki tries to skate Victor Nikiforov’s FS ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6-eKBEHg1U) ]

 

Victor clicked the link and watched intently, his mouth slowly falling open.  He found himself watching it again and again, fighting a myriad of emotions.   _ If he can skate like that, why wasn’t he on the podium with me?  He shows the emotion so much better than me.  Is he calling out to me?  Should I go? _

 

Looking down at Makkachin, he rubbed her curls.   “I’m about to do something crazy…but if I don’t, I’ll always wonder.  Are you up for an adventure, girl?”

 

Makkachin barked and wagged her tail in reply.

 

Victor laughed, feeling its warmth for the first time in a long time.  “I agree.   Let’s pack.  We have a plane to catch.”

 

* * *

 

 

Yakov wasn’t happy seeing Victor off on the plane.  It was impulsive.  Victor was throwing his career away because of some video.  Yakov knew the video.  The entire rink was buzzing about it.  And then Victor insisted on showing it to him.  Victor, who was always discreet about his private affairs, was about to fly halfway around the world to meet a boy he barely knew.   Perhaps that combination of vodka and Oxy did more harm to him than they realized. 

 

Returning home, he found Lilia curled up on the sofa with a book.  “I don’t suppose you know someone in Hasetsu, Japan,” he muttered randomly.

 

Lilia put her book down thoughtfully.  “I might...that sounds familiar.”  She gracefully unfolded and walked across the floor to pull a drawer on her antique French desk.  Taking out an address book, she started thumbing through the pages.  “Why do you need someone in Japan, if I might ask?”

 

“Vitya...he’s convinced he’s in love with that Japanese skater he danced with at the banquet.”  Lilia continued to thumb through the address book as Yakov told her of Victor’s hasty departure.  “What if the boy doesn’t feel the same and Victor gets his heart broken?  It’s not the same as Georgi.  Victor...he’s struggling again.  I just need someone to be aware so they can watch out for him.”

 

“Here!  Minako Okukawa!  She was a talented ballerina in her day.  It wouldn’t surprise me if she worked with the boy as he grew up.  Shall I contact her?”

 

“Please,” he answered dropping into his chair and propping his forehead into his hand.  “I’m really worried about him, Lilia.  He isn’t thinking clearly.”

 

Lilia decided to ignore the time difference and dial the number she had for the other dancer.  “Hello?  Minako Okukawa?  Lilia Baranovskaya...yes, well we have a situation.  Sort of a runaway skater.  We think he is coming there...he is showing interest in a Yuuri Katsuki.  Oh, you taught him?  Excellent…”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEVER EVER take meds for anything other than what they are prescribed for and in the manner in which they are prescribed. And NEVER EVER mix them with alcohol because the effects can be deadly.
> 
> TRUE STORY BELOW but TRIGGER WARNING APPLIES
> 
> This event was based on something that happened to a friend...where their depression from a break up led to them taking too many Tylonol PMs. They now have to have their liver checked every six months due to the damage done...and to this day, they swear they weren't trying to commit suicide. They had a headache and just wanted to sleep for awhile. If you feel this way, call a friend and get help. Don't try and self medicate. And if you have a friend in this place, don't leave them alone.


	6. Start Again (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri finds Victor in the hot spring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I shouldn't be left alone with a keyboard! Hope you love this!
> 
> Thanks, Maggie, for the read through.

* * *

 

 

[ Start Again ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShBSKnzts70)

 

(NOTE:  The video is triggering:  Themes of suicide.)

 

Yuuri frowned at his phone.   _Why, Phichit?!!_  He was a sneaky bastard, too, involving the triplets to record the skate covertly…like they could resist his cute little Thai ass.  Now it was all over the internet and Yuuri found himself hiding in his room, his anxiety pitched high.  It wouldn’t be so bad except at some point people started tagging Victor Nikiforov in the video.  Now he’ll never be able to face his idol without dying of embarrassment.

 

Who was he kidding?  He couldn’t face him with or without the video.  But now he had to hide from him.

 

Phichit waited until he flew out to post it.  Sneaky bastard?  More like a sneaky coward!  He knew Yuuri would make him take it down!   He threw the phone down onto his mattress and stewed a bit more.  Finally, with a huff, he left his room.

 

Downstairs he bumped into his mother who asked him to shovel the walk.

 

“It snowed?  So late in the year?”

 

“Well, April has those surprise snow storms,” she responded cheerily.

 

He bundled up in his coat, scarf, gloves, and boots to deal with the wintry surprise.  He didn’t mind shoveling.  It amounted to a decent cardio, working him out from arms down into his legs.   He relished the burn in his muscles.  Phichit’s arrival had jumpstarted his activity as they trained together during his visit, running, weights, dance, and, of course, ice.  Then the bottom fell out yesterday as he realized what Phichit had done, notifications overflowing his phone.  He ended up turning it off which is likely why he missed the weather alert.  Oh, well…an impromptu workout never hurt and it would help burn off some of his stress.

 

A bark caught his attention as he wrapped up the chore.  Leaning on the shovel handle, he looked in the direction of the sound, his eyes widening at the poodle bounding in his direction.  Vicchan?  No, he’s far too big for Vicchan.  Yuuri knelt down and accepted the friendly greetings from the poodle.  “Do you belong to one of our guests, buddy?  It’s funny because you look a lot like Makkachin.”  The dog barked and wagged his tail.  Yuuri laughed softly. “Of course, Makkachin would be all the way in Russia.  There is no way…”

 

“Oh, hey, Yuuri,” greeted his sister coming around the corner.  “That’s where he got off to.  He belongs to one of our guests.  I let him out while his master was enjoying the onsen and he slipped away from me.”  Yuuri helped Mari gather him inside and dry him off from the snow.

 

“He didn’t seem bothered by the snow.”

 

“I suppose not since his owner came all the way from Russia.”

 

Yuuri looked up sharply to meet a very knowing stare from his sister.  

 

“He asked about you, you know.”

 

“Wh-why me?” he stuttered.

 

She shrugged.  “Beats me but he definitely looks like that idol you have posted all over your room.  Mom and dad are trying to figure out where to put him because he came like he plans to stay for awhile.”

 

“I d-don’t understand,” he muttered.

 

“Why don’t you ask him?” Mari suggested giving him a push in the direction of the baths.

 

Yuuri cautiously walked through the shower into the indoor baths.  With the snow, they were more popular.  Beyond the glass, though, he could see the silver-haired Russian relaxing in one of the outdoor pools.  Pushing through the door, he stumbled into the open air letting the door close behind him.

 

“V-victor!  Why are you here?”

 

The other man looked up with a wide smile.  “Yuuri!” he called out in greeting as he stood up.  Yuuri’s eyes went wide as he beheld the man who had been the subject of his wet dreams forever…and those dreams did not do him justice compared to the reality.  He’s so very naked!  Holding out his hand dramatically, Victor continued, “I’m here to be your coach and you are going to win the Grand Prix Final.”  He winked!  Actually winked!  Yuuri gasped and backed up uncertainly.  “Where are you going?” Victor asked in confusion.

 

“I-I…have to go help my parents.”  With that flimsy excuse, he scrambled out of the onsen leaving the silver haired man watching him with a troubled expression.

 

* * *

 

 

Minako arrived in a rush which was alarming considering the roads weren’t quite clear.  She ran into the main hall and found Yuuri straightening the counter.  “Yuuri!   Is it true?  Is he here?”

 

“H-how did you know?”

 

“It’s all over the internet.  He was so inspired by your skating that he’s come…he’s come for you, Yuuri!”

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “I don’t understand.  It’s not like my jumps were up to par.  I’m out of condition.  Why?”

 

“That’s a good question,” she answered.  “But I heard from one of my contacts in Russia that works closely with his coach that he left because of the video.  That he was determined to work with you.”

 

Yuuri studied the counter.  “I-I’ll end up disappointing him.  I’m already embarrassed Phichit put that video up and now look where I’m at?”  Looking up at his old ballet instructor, he asked, “What do I do, Minako?”

 

She smiled warmly.  “Never turn down an opportunity like this…especially not because you are scared.  You have the skill and he had to see something in that video that made him determined to bring it out.  You inspire him.  Now be worthy of it.”

 

Yuuri chewed on his lower lip.  If only it were that easy…just choose to be worthy…choose to be happy…choose to not freak out during completion…choose not to be mentally weak.  If only it were that easy.  He sighed heavily and nodded, returning to his task.  Minako shrugged and swept off towards the kitchen and his mother leaving him to his thoughts.

 

Yuuri bumped into Victor once more in the dining room where he sat wrapped in a yukata talking with his mother and Minako.  Just great!  He turned towards Yuuri, his eyes bright and warm.  

 

“There you are!” he greeted, motioning for him to join him.  “Your mother was telling me about your favorite dish…kat-su-don?” he enunciated carefully as he turned towards the older woman.  She smiled warmly and nodded.

 

“Or pork cutlet bowl,” Yuuri expanded.  “Did she tell you that it has a high calorie count which means I have to limit how much I eat of it?”

 

“No, she did not.”  Victor looked at his bowl and then saw the smaller bowl placed before Yuuri, his expression turning to a frown.

 

“You should be fine just this once…then again, it may not matter for you,” Yuuri stated with an indulgent smile.  “Me, on the other hand, I gain weight far too easily.  Thankfully, it comes off fairly quickly but…” Yuuri looked at his sad portion before continuing, “This is all I can have for the week.  It’s far too tempting.”

 

“I thought Japanese cooking was supposed to be healthy,” Victor stated, his eyes wide and a certain innocence settling on his features tugging at something protective in Yuuri.

 

Yuuri chuckled, feeling himself relax.  “We all have vices, I suppose.  Did they find you a room?”

 

“They asked if I minded staying in an old banquet room.   I said anywhere was fine.  I’m sleeping on a futon until my things arrive.”

 

“So you’re…really here to coach me?”

 

Victor nodded.  “I understand you are currently without a coach.”

 

“T-true.  I let Celestino go before I moved back to Japan.  You should know that I’ve been in a bit of a slump.  I don’t want you to…waste your time,” he finished, dropping his eyes to focus on the dish before him.

 

“Yuuri,” the other man murmured.  “We all go through hard periods.  Let me try and help you find your feet again…and maybe you can somehow help me to find mine.”

 

“Me?” Yuuri asked, eyes widening in surprise.

 

“Yes…do you think you are the only one lost in this world?” Victor asked, his warm cadence winding around Yuuri and tugging at the threads of his uncertainty.

 

Yuuri chewed his lip.  “I suppose…I thought you were impervious of such things.”

 

Victor shook his head.  “There is an expression…it’s lonely at the top.  It exists for a reason.  So, let me be your coach…and perhaps your friend.”

 

Yuuri held his eyes for a long moment before slowly nodding.  “I-I could do that.”

 

Victor’s smile lit his face up and he finished his last bite of katsudon.  “Perhaps you could help me settle in!”

 

“Oh, of course,” Yuuri stated.

 

Mari looked over with a raised eyebrow.  “Good.  Because that banquet hall was used for storage.  You’ll need to move that stuff into the attic.”

 

“O-okay,” he acknowledged.  Turning to Victor, he murmured, “We weren’t expecting you.”

 

“That’s okay," Victor responded cheerily.  "We can work together.  Then tomorrow you can show me around.”

 

“Oh…yes, of course,” Yuuri agreed.

 

Two hours later, they had cleared the space and Victor looked around rather satisfied.  “This will work.”

 

“I’m sure it’s smaller than what you are used to,” Yuuri murmured.

 

Victor shrugged.  “It is smaller but I should be able to put what I need in here.  I’ve already ordered a bed to be delivered and a few other basics.  They may need some assembly, though,” he frowned.

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “I can help you with that…assembling furniture was one of the tasks that always fell on my shoulders when I was growing up here.”

 

“Good,” he responded warmly.  “I suppose…we can unpack and hang things in the closet.”  Yuuri began shuffling boxes into the space while Victor started unloading it and perhaps Yuuri filled the space too quickly because, as he settled another box, Victor stumbled and Yuuri found himself reaching to steady the man only to find his arms full of him.

 

“Oh!  Are you okay?” he asked, his cheeks blossoming into a lovely shade of red.

 

Victor, too, had a blush rising in his cheeks.  “Y-yes,” he stammered.  They remained still for a moment, neither making a move to break free, holding one another’s eyes uncertainly.

 

Yuuri broke the moment first, glancing down and moving to help Victor stand upright.  “I suppose I need to slow down and help you put things away first,” he suggested, running a hand over the back of his neck.  He didn’t know why it was so hot in that room all of the sudden but he was reluctant to leave.

 

“Why don’t you hand me the clothes and I’ll hang them?” Victor suggested.  Soon they had a system in place and Yuuri helped Victor to work through his packages.

 

As they stepped into the banquet hall turned bedroom, Victor studied the lonely futon.  As if the idea just occurred to him, he looked up at Yuuri with playful eyes.  “We should have a sleep over!  We can get to know one another!”

 

“I-umm,” Yuuri’s eyes widened as he stammered, remembering his walls covered with Victor’s posters.   _Fuck!_  “I don’t think…this isn’t a good time.”  Yuuri escaped, almost at a run leaving Victor behind watching him with a baffled expression.

 

* * *

 

 

**Yuuri/  Phichit!  What have you done?**

 

**Phichit/ Whatever do you mean? *bats eyes innocently***

 

**Yuuri/ Victor!  He is here!  Like he says he wants to be my coach!**

 

**Phichit/ Well.  That’s an interesting turn of events.**

 

**Yuuri/ What do you know?**

 

**Phichit/ According to social media, someone put up a video of a certain skater imitating another skater’s program.  It must have been a good replica if he’s now in Japan.**

 

**Yuuri/ I already knew that!**

 

**Phichit/ So you admit that it was good.**

 

**Yuuri/ …**

 

**Yuuri/ …**

 

**Yuuri/ That’s not what I meant!  But he’s here!  Now!**

 

**Phichit/ Kind of a wet dream come true.**

 

**Yuuri/ You have no idea!**

 

**Phichit/ Oh?  Do tell!**

 

**Yuuri/ He greeted me NAKED in the onsen!**

 

**Phichit/ Well, that’s a helluva introduction.  Way to go, Victor!**

 

**Yuuri/ PHICHIT!!!!**

 

**Phichit/ Did it occur to you that he might want to be more than your coach?**

 

**Yuuri/ Maybe...briefly.  But why?**

 

**Phichit/ God, Yuuri!  You have no idea!**

 

**Yuuri/ I can’t do this.**

 

**Phichit/ Are you fucking kidding me?  That boy flew halfway around the world.  To be with you!  He’s made no announcement about retiring.  So tell me.  Honestly.  Do you think he is truly there to just be your coach.**

 

**Yuuri/ He said maybe friends?**

 

 **Phichit/** **(ლ‸－)(－‸ლ)** ***bangs head on desk* Sometimes, Yuuri!  *Gibbs slap***

 

**Yuuri/ :( So mean!**

 

**Phichit/ Just...keep an open mind.**

 

**Yuuri/ I don’t want to misread the situation.**

 

**Phichit/ Who’s to say you aren’t already?**

 

**Yuuri/ My head is starting to hurt.**

 

**Phichit/ You sleep.  I’ll sleep.  Then send me news when you have it.**

 

 

Yuuri laid back in his bed and stared at the ceiling.  Nope.  Sleep was not happening.  He pushed up and considered his options.  Grabbing the key labeled “Minako’s studio”, he dressed for a night run and grabbed his dance bag.  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phichit...the purveyor of trouble in all of his impish glory!


	7. Love is Waiting (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor begins to doubt his decision and laments to Chris.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Maggie for the second set of eyes and BluSkates for the edits! 
> 
> I hope you are loving this story now that it is moving once more.

* * *

 

 

[ Love is Waiting ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNWVXsTNao8)

 

Victor stared at the ceiling.  This did not go as planned.  Yuuri just freaked out and apparently was not expecting him.  So…maybe he read more into the video than was meant.  He pursed his lips and pulled out his phone.

 

**Victor/ So…I’m in Hasetsu.**

 

**Chris/ I’ve heard.  Are you seriously taking the season off?**

 

Victor considered those words.  Regardless of how this plays out, he honestly has nothing more to give.

 

**Victor/ Yes.  I can’t continue down the same path.**

 

**Chris/ At least we agree on something.  Are you okay?**

 

**Victor/ I don’t think he was expecting me.**

 

**Chris/ Well…it’s not your most thought-out plan.**

 

**Victor/ :(**

 

**Chris/ Okay…so what is your next move?**

 

**Victor/ I said I was here to be his coach.  I suggested we become friends.**

 

**Chris/ That’s actually…not bad.  You need to get to know the boy.  If I didn’t know better, I’d swear you’ve never dated.**

 

**Victor/ I made a shambles out of us :(**

 

**Chris/ You and I? or You and Yuuri?**

 

**Victor/ At this point…both.**

 

**Chris/ You did not make a shambles out of us.  We were not compatible.  I couldn’t give you what you needed beyond friendship.**

 

**Victor/ It seems a lot to put on the boy.**

 

**Victor/ He seems very inexperienced.**

 

**Chris/ According to Phichit, he is.  Barely dated.  No one night stands.  He’s shy.**

 

**Victor/ So how do I break past that…without alcohol.**

 

**Chris/ I’m going to suggest something…**

 

**Chris/ It may be groundbreaking…**

 

**Chris/ Why don’t you try being yourself?**

 

Victor felt a smile teasing his lips.

 

**Victor/ Are you sure that won’t scare him off?**

 

**Chris/ Do you really want to be with someone if it does?**

 

Victor considered those words.  That was the truth he faced with Chris when they dated.  He was trying to fit in a mold that was just not made for him.  In the end, it fell apart.  Thankfully they were still friends after it was all said and done.

 

**Victor/ I suppose not.**

 

**Victor/ Chris? I’m scared.**

 

Victor’s finger hovered over the send button.  He was scared to admit this to his friend, but ultimately sent the message.

 

**Chris/ It took balls to do what you did.**

 

**Victor/ I’m not feeling too ballzy at the moment.**

 

**Chris/ It’s hard to see the forest for the trees.  You’re in the middle.  You can’t exactly see the direction to take.**

 

**Victor/ Like feeling around in the dark.**

 

**Chris/ That doesn’t make it wrong.  Some of my best dates ended up feeling around in the dark.**

 

Victor couldn’t help the smile that found its way to his lips.

 

**Victor/ I still think I might love him.**

 

**Chris/ I know.  You wouldn’t be there if you didn’t.**

 

**Victor/ I’m going to try to sleep now.  Thank you.**

 

**Chris/ Anytime.**

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Victor learned quickly that Yuuri was not a morning person.  He tapped on the younger man’s door and received no answer.  He stood uncertainly at the door when he heard shuffling behind him.  He turned to catch Mari with her arms a bit too full.  Reaching out he took half the load.

 

“Let me help,” he offered.

 

“Thanks,” she said flatly.  He followed her down the hallway to a closet where she started putting them away.  “If you are waiting on Yuuri, it will be awhile.  He was out late so he will probably sleep for a few hours still.”

 

“He was out late?” Victor frowned.  He thought they both parted to go sleep.

 

“Yeah, likely to Minako’s place or possibly Ice Castle.  He’s like that, you know.  When he gets overwhelmed, he can’t sleep or settle down.”

 

“Minako’s place?”

 

“You met her last night.  She’s my mom’s best friend and taught Yuuri ballet for years.  He has a key to her studio and to the rink.  When his anxiety acts up, he either skates it off or dances it off.”

 

“How...bad is his anxiety?”

 

Mari studied him hard before answering. “You’re not just here to be his coach,” she stated flatly.  Victor hesitantly shook his head.  “Listen, I don’t know what you have in mind but you had best be serious.  I know my brother and if you fuck with his heart, he won’t recover.  He…doesn’t give it easy.”

 

“Do I…do I have a chance?”

 

She rolled her eyes.  “God, yes!  If anyone has a chance, it’s you.  But…be careful.  You hurt him, there will be an entire crew of people lined up to hurt you back.”

 

“Oh,” he responded, his eyes wide.  Of course he’d get the shovel talk.  Yuuri…his innocence told him how insulated he must have spent his life.  Victor wondered if that was a good thing.  “I have no intention of hurting him, Mari.  But…I have to be here.  Something started in December…and I have to see it through.”

 

Mari stared at him, her eyes digging into his thoughts.  “I don’t know what happened in December…Yuuri doesn’t talk about his private life,” she stated.

 

Victor handed her the last stack of laundry.  “I don’t know if he remembers at this point.  He drank a lot that night…but it was the first time I felt something in a long time.”

 

She narrowed her eyes at him.  “You didn’t take advantage of my brother when he was drunk, did you?”

 

Victor’s mouth opened in shock before shaking his head vehemently.  “No, I wouldn’t.  I made sure he made it safely to his room and left.  We danced, we talked, I tucked him into bed and left a note to call me.”

 

“And did he?” she asked critically, knowing her brother.

 

Victor shook his head slowly, now second guessing his life decisions.  “You think I shouldn’t have come.”

 

She shrugged.  “Honestly, I don’t know what to think.  But…Yuuri never walked a well tread path.  Who’s to say where it will end?”

 

Victor followed her downstairs.  “So not for a few hours…I don’t suppose you could use some more help?”

 

She raised her eyebrows in surprise.  “You want to work?  Oh, honey, I have work for you.  Come on.”

 

He found himself stripping beds, sorting laundry, folding them, and putting them away.  As they wrapped up the first run of morning laundry she nodded with approval.  “You’re efficient…and unlike Yuuri, you don’t disappear mid-task.”

 

“He leaves you in the middle of a job?”

 

“Nothing crucial.  He’s just hard to nail down.  Like he’s chasing some will-o-wisp.  They usually lead him to the rink or the studio…or for a run…or maybe the beach.  There are a few other places I’ve found him.  His head starts to get crowded and he disappears.  I found him once in a broom closet at school when I went to pick him up.  The teachers hadn’t seen him all afternoon.”

 

“What do I do?”

 

“With his anxiety?  I wish I knew.  I mean, I can usually talk him down.  An easy calm voice.  If he starts to panic, it helps to try and get him to control his breathing.  I’m sure there are better methods.  He may know some, especially since he majored in psychology.  It would be a good conversation to have with him.  But when it just starts edging at his senses and fraying at his nerves…that’s when he tends to slip away.  I normally don’t worry about that…unless he disappears at some place like school.  He’s just working through it in his own way.”

 

Victor smiled to himself.  “I’ve never picked an easy path.”

 

“Then you two will do well together.”

 

Victor looked up, feeling a shift in Mari’s attitude towards him.  Somewhere between their earlier encounter and working through the morning he seemed to gain her approval. 

  

* * *

 

 

Victor looked up as Yuuri stumbled down the stairs still rubbing sleep from his eyes and Victor felt his breath catch at this sleep bedraggled version.  Yuuri glanced around and blinked suddenly as his eyes rested on Victor.  “Oh.  I…thought it was a dream.”

 

“Nope.  I’m really here,” Victor reassured him, watching Yuuri stumble towards the kitchen.  Victor fell into step behind him. 

 

“Sorry I slept late.  I didn’t fall asleep until after two.”

 

“That’s okay.  Mari explained while I helped her with laundry.”

 

Yuuri turned and gaped at him.  “You helped my sister with laundry?”

 

“Well, I needed something to occupy my time while I waited for sleeping beauty to drag himself out of bed,” Victor teased with a wink.

 

Color crept up into Yuuri’s cheeks as he shifted in his embarrassment.  God, if possible he was even more adorable.  “Yeah, well…I’m sorry.  Have you had breakfast?”

 

“I grabbed a pear earlier.  Otherwise, no.”  He watched Yuuri as he scuttled around in the kitchen, humming a song that sounded familiar to him and then he realized it was the song to his short program two years back.  It pulled a soft smile from Victor.  His eyes widened at the rice and eggs placed before him along with a cup of tea.

 

“I usually start my day with some fruit, rice, and egg.  I prefer tea to coffee.  If you tell me your preferences, I can make adjustments.”  Yuuri then set a bowl of fruit between them taking a place across from Victor to eat his breakfast. 

 

“No, this is fine.  Perhaps from time to time I can make breakfast.”

 

“Nothing too heavy.  I gain weight easily.”  He looked down at himself with a frown.  “You’re not catching me in a good place,” he admitted.  “I’ve been working on it but, well, I was in a deep depression after Nationals.  Everything seemed to be falling apart around me.  And well, I focused on my schoolwork and ate my way through my depression.”

 

Victor listened intently, surprised by the sudden admission.  “I suppose people deal with their depression in different ways,” he murmured.  “Do you know what triggered it?”

 

“Besides repeated failure?  I think…it started with learning that my dog had died.  It was right before the Grand Prix Final.  You saw the result.”

 

Victor nodded.  “If I lost Makkachin, I wouldn’t have done any better,” Victor confessed.

 

Yuuri frowned into his cup.  “I wasn’t much better at the Nationals.  I’m…not sure where my head is.  I’m not…depressed at the moment.  But I still don’t know…I don’t want to waste your time, Victor.”

 

“Let me decide how to spend my time.  I need a challenge, something to pull me out of my own slump.  You…”  He took a deep breath.  “You and I aren’t too different, you know.  I need to be here.  Let me see this through.”

 

“And if I fail?”

 

“What if you don’t?” Victor challenged.

 

Yuuri’s lips parted in surprise.  “If I don’t…” he murmured, his thoughts taking him down that path.


	8. Take a Chance on Me (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Decisions…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my wonderful ladies - to BluSkates for her beautiful edits; to Maggie for the read through and suggestions.

* * *

 

[ Take a Chance on Me ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JIzw7BHmkN4)

 

 

“If I don’t…”

 

The idea of not failing never occurred to Yuuri.  He held onto it like it was the only constant in his life.  He walked a road of worst case scenarios always waiting for the shoe to drop.  Yet Victor seemed to think that there was another possibility in Yuuri’s world.  Success.

 

“You really think I can win,” he stated, shock settling around him.  It was a statement but also a question.

 

Victor nodded emphatically.  “I do believe it.  I’ve seen you skate.”

 

“You’ve seen me fail,” Yuuri countered bitterly.

 

Victor thinned his lips.  “You are very hard on yourself.  You could say you failed or you could say that at that moment you were the sixth best skater in the world.”

 

“It’s not first,” Yuuri murmured.

 

“First isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be,” Victor returned softly.

 

Yuuri flicked his eyes up to meet his.  “You really think I can win,” he repeated, almost as if he was trying to convince himself.

 

“I do,” Victor murmured, his voice purring softly, vibrations floating over Yuuri’s skin.  “You skate like the music is within you.  Like you are made of the music.”

 

“You can’t win on interpretation alone,” Yuuri pointed out.

 

“No, you can’t,” Victor agreed.  “But…I know you have the skills locked up inside.  Someone just needs to flip the switch.”

 

“Flip the switch,” Yuuri repeated as he processed those words.

 

Victor smiled as he nodded.  “As I said earlier, I’ve watched you skate.  Not just at the Grand Prix Final.  I studied video of all of my competitors.  I studied more than your competition skates.  You were so unknown to me, I searched for every scrap of video I could find…and I was captivated.”

 

“By me?” Yuuri squeaked.

 

Victor nodded.  “Will you let me try?”

 

“I don’t currently have a coach,” Yuuri admits.

 

Victor shrugged.  “I’ve never coached anyone.  You are taking as much of a chance with me as I am with you.”

 

Yuuri’s eyes widened.  “Oh.”

 

“Oh, indeed.  But I believe in you.”

 

“You believe in me,” Yuuri repeated studying the counter.  Lifting his eyes, Victor saw the flip, the change in determination.  “I…I will take a chance with you, Victor.”  He then threw his hands over his mouth as his eyes widened and his cheeks pinked.  “I didn’t mean it like that!  I’m so…”

 

Victor waved off the apology.  “No, you need to mean it like that because that is exactly what this is…a risk in every way.”

 

“So…we’re doing this,” Yuuri stated, staring at the counter with wide eyes.

 

Victor nodded, a smile tugging at his lips.

 

“Shit!”  Again his eyes widened but Victor’s warm chuckle surrounded him and he felt himself relax.  “When do you want to start?”

 

“Show me today what the skating facilities we are working with look like and walk me through your training regimen.  Do you have either of your programs together?”

 

Yuuri shook his head.

 

Victor waved it off nonchalantly.  “That’s fine.  We will talk further on that once I know what I’m working with.  So, shall we go?”

 

“Let me clean up…but yes.”

 

* * *

  

They met at the door dressed to run, backpacks slung over their shoulders.  “Lead the way,” Victor invited.  They fell into step easily.  Yuuri led Victor on the run he normally took but only made it halfway before Victor was lagging.   “You run this every day?”

 

“Pretty much every day,” Yuuri confirmed.  “I ran 10k to the rink and back in Detroit.”

 

Victor bent over his knees as he caught his breath.  “10k?  Our rink was situated a bit closer to where we lived.  On the worst snow days, it was brutal.”

 

“I understand those days.  Detroit is no stranger to snow.  The drifts can be pretty difficult, sometimes I would cheat and take public transportation.  But then I had to spend more time in the gym.  I prefer running in the open.”

 

“Okay, we can continue.” 

 

They took off, but Yuuri pulled the pace down a notch, saying nothing to Victor.  If the silver haired man noticed, he kept quiet about it.  When they arrived in town, Yuuri pointed out where Minako’s bar was situated as well as her ballet studio.  They finally arrived at the steps of Ice Castle Hasetsu.  “My old rink mates now run this.  Takeshi’s parents own it and Yuuko married him at seventeen.  They have triplets.  I warn you…they can be a handful.”

 

Entering the rink, it seemed his friends were determined to descend on him.  Yuuko, Takeshi and the girls surrounded them, the girls bouncing around crying out, “Yuuri, Yuuri, Yuuri…” in succession.  

 

The brunette laughed warmly.  “I thought you might be more interested in who I’ve brought with me.”

 

They turned as if they just realized he didn’t arrive alone, gasped, squealed, jumped up and down, ran to their mother and back to Victor.  Finally, they calmed.  In perfectly synced voices, they asked, “Can we have your autograph?”

 

Victor chuckled warmly.  “But of course.  What would you have me sign?”

 

There seemed to be some kind of conversation taking place between them involving them disappearing behind a counter and then returning with a skating magazine featuring a picture of Victor on the cover.  Victor took the marker and asked them who to address it to, he was delighted when he learned they were named Lutz, Loop, and Axel.

 

“So it’s true,” Yuuko stated.  “That you are here to coach our Yuuri.”

 

“Yes,” Victor stated cheerily.  “We’ve just come to an agreement on the matter.”

 

“Let me guess.  Yuuri here was reluctant to accept your offer,” Takeshi surmised.

 

Victor shrugged.  “With good reason.  I mean, I’ve never coached a skater before.”

 

“Uh huh,” Takeshi stated, his eyes resting on his friend, disbelief in his voice.  Takeshi knew Yuuri a bit too well to buy that.

 

Yuuri glared at Takeshi before turning to Yuuko.  “Can I skate?”

 

“Of course.  It’s all yours until five.”

 

“Thanks!”  Yuuri led the way to the locker rooms, pointing out the weight room along the way.  Victor poked his head in and assessed the available equipment before continuing down the hall into the locker room.  They began to change without ceremony but Yuuri hesitated when he caught Victor studying his body.  Shifting self-consciously, he murmured, “I haven’t lost all that I gained last winter.”

 

Victor shook himself out of his stupor.  “My apologies.  No, it should be fine.  I want to check your form to make sure you are ready to skate.”

 

Yuuri chewed his lip uncertainly but nodded as he continued to dress for the ice, ridding himself of the sweat ridden clothes and changing into a pair of skate pants and weathertech top.  It clung to him around the middle and Yuuri found himself tugging at it. 

 

“It’s okay, you know,” Victor stated.  Yuuri looked at him in surprise.  “You will lose the rest as we work together.  But it’s okay…you know.  Like it is.  It doesn’t…detract from you.”  Color rose up in Victor’s cheeks as he stumbled through words to make Yuuri feel better and Yuuri couldn’t help but smile, the words were endearing. 

 

“Thank you.  I catch a lot of flak about it.  From strangers and well meaning friends.  Sometimes…I just get tired of it.  I…well, I’m hard enough on myself.  I don’t need it from everyone else.”

 

“I understand.  It seems everyone else feels entitled to force their expectations on us.”

 

“Exactly!” Yuuri exclaimed, releasing his frustration in that word.

 

Victor approached him, his hand resting on Yuuri’s elbow.  “How can I help you?”

 

Yuuri studied that point of contact and swallowed.  Looking up to hold Victor’s eyes, he chewed his lips before murmuring.   “Just…don’t tease me when I’m trying to work hard.  It’s hard to turn down the things that I love because my body doesn’t love me back.  I know others can eat more but…I can’t.  I gain too easily.”

 

Victor nodded.  “I maintained a strict diet regimen in training but enjoyed myself when I traveled.  I love different foods.”

 

“And how much did your weight fluctuate?” Yuuri asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

Victor tilted his head thoughtfully.  “About one kilo at most but I could train through it pretty easily.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I would gain twice that and have to work four times as hard to lose it.”

 

“I see,” Victor considered, thinning his lips.  “Would it help if I followed a similar diet?  At least while we are together?”

 

Yuuri shook his head and shrugged.  “I…no, it doesn’t matter.  I’m used to other people eating more.  Just, I prefer no one calls attention to it.”

 

Victor pursed his lips before nodding in agreement.  “As long as you are meeting your energy needs as well.”

 

“It’s hard being back home,” Yuuri sighed.  “In Detroit, I went to a nutritionist and we designed my diet according to my training needs.”

 

“Can we not do that here?  They would be more acquainted with the foods available in the area.”

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “My mother is the Japanese Paula Deen.  The caloric content in her cooking is unreal.  So I operate on half and quarter portions.”

 

“I see.  I want to help.”  Victor’s thumb began rubbing circles in his elbow and Yuuri felt his eyes drawn back to that touch.

 

“I know, but you are still adapting to this world.  I think you might find it more difficult than you realize.”

 

Victor shrugged.  “For now, let’s skate.”  He led the way out of the locker room, and Yuuri stood there for a moment wondering about how Victor deflected as soon as the conversation focused on him.

 

* * *

 

 

After stretching, they met each other on the ice to skate through their warm ups.  Victor found it interesting that Yuuri included school figures in his warm up routine.  Victor typically ran through a scaled down version of an earlier skate program.  He chose the one Yuuri hummed to earlier for this warm up.

 

Victor then moved to the peripheral and called out commands to check and see what Yuuri could accomplish.  Yuuri demonstrated spins and step sequences and Victor nodded appreciatively.  Then they came to jumps.  The doubles and triples came easily enough and Yuuri had a solid triple axel.  His quads were limited, however, to a quad toe loop.  

 

“You have the triples of the other jumps it seems.  We just need to work on your other jumps to expand your repertoire.  However, there is enough there to develop those skills.”

 

“I can’t even do a quad-sal,” Yuuri stated with a bit of a pout.

 

“Don’t worry about it.  You will.  We just have to build up your twitch muscles and improve your rotation on take off,” Victor stated with confidence.  

 

They removed their skates and Yuuri led them through his closing stretches.  Stashing their skates in the lockers, Victor followed Yuuri out of the building.  “It’s still early,” Yuuri murmured.

 

“Show me some of the places that calm you,” Victor suggested gently.  

 

Yuuri looked up in surprise but nodded.  “The skating rink is one of them,” he admits.  They walked by the studio and Yuuri fished out the keys, opening the door.  “Sometimes I come in here and lose myself in the music while I dance off my frustrations.  You know, when the ice is occupied or the emotions are too strong to skate safely.”

 

Victor nodded, thinning his lips thoughtfully.  “Your emotions are very evident in your skating.  When you channel them well, it comes out like a tortured piece of art, tormented into the thing it was meant to be.  However, it also causes you to lose control of the skate.  And there’s something else.  Your confidence, I think.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I falter in my confidence quite often.”

 

“I want to help build that confidence, Yuuri,” Victor stated softly and Yuuri realized the other man’s fingers were floating down his back until they rested on the small of it.  He rested another hand on Yuuri’s hip and as Yuuri’s breath caught, he felt himself being led through a slow latin dance.  “Relax,” Victor murmured, as he felt those hands take his.  The song was somewhere hidden deep within them both, as if they had danced this song before and Yuuri felt it in some long forgotten memory that edged its way to the surface.  His lips parted as he surrendered to Victor’s lead.  “You dance as beautifully as you skate, Yuuri,” he murmured next to Yuuri’s ear.  

 

“I’ve taken dance since I was four.  I double majored in dance and psychology in college.”

 

“More than ballet, I suspect.”

 

“I’ve explored a number of disciplines, including jazz and ballroom.”

 

“I feel the ballroom influences in your hips,” Victor purred, his breath brushing against Yuuri’s ear causing him to shiver, his hands sliding to rest on those hips.  Yuuri’s breath felt suspended, as if he were waiting for Victor’s next move.  Then Victor released him, taking his hand to spin him out, his smile lazy and sultry.  Yuuri’s lips parted once more wondering what it would be like to kiss those lips, licking his own unconsciously.  Victor’s eyes followed that movement before clearing his throat and shaking himself out of a trance.  “Ummm...where else do you go?”

 

Yuuri’s head shook in surprise.  “Oh, well, there’s a beach nearby.”  He led Victor out of the studio and secured the door.  Perhaps he was reading too much in Victor’s movements.  He was likely assessing Yuuri’s dance skills just like his skating skills.  Perhaps he had a program in mind already.

 

As they ambled down the streets of Hasetsu, Yuuri pointed out various landmarks and Victor more than once had Yuuri take a picture of him or would drag the brunette into a picture with him.  Casual touches of his hands on Yuuri’s body would often leave the Japanese man stuttering and blushing, ducking away from his regard.  Victor seemed amused by this because he often would laugh but Yuuri could hear something akin to tenderness in that laugh and it made his heart flutter even as he tried to calm his thoughts and tell himself that Victor is just very tactile.

 

They arrived at the beach and Yuuri sat down in the sand, pulling his knees to his chest.  Watching the surf move in and out, he allowed the calming movement of the water relax him and he actually didn’t tense up when Victor settled next to him, sliding an arm around him.  “I think I could like this place as well.  The sound of the seagulls reminds me of St. Petersburg.”

 

Yuuri glanced his direction then turned back quickly.  So close.  So very close.  He drew a shaky breath before nodding.  “I missed this while in Detroit.”  They remained for some time sitting quietly watching the movement of the water, the clouds blowing by, the gulls screeching at one another.

 

“Makkachin would love this place,” Victor’s murmur finally broke the silence.  “How far are we from the inn?”

 

Yuuri frowned thoughtfully.  “Not too far.  We can go back there from here and you can get a feel for the path so you can bring her here.”

 

“Do you mind?” he asked, his eyes open and unsure.

 

“No, not at all.  We were in a way heading that direction.  I was just taking you the long way.”  Yuuri stood up and reached out to pull Victor to his feet. He stilled, staring at their joined hands.  Victor had caught his several times but this was the first time he initiated that touch and even if it was practical in nature, Yuuri felt something stir within him.  Drawing a shaky breath to clear his thoughts, he glanced up with a warm smile.  “Shall we go home?”

 

Victor nodded wordlessly, a myriad of emotions playing across his face as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You probably won't notice as much on this one but I'm taking a short period off while I sort out my stories to try and keep their facts straight. So I need to do a close read of all three fics and write up my notes. If you know me, you know I can't stay away long. And if you haven't read my other two stories, this is a good time to check them out. Thanks for reading!


	9. Something Just Like This (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Movie night!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates, for the edits and thanks Magrathea for the extra set of eyes. 
> 
> Short chapter but we get a peek into Victor.

* * *

[Something Just Like This](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SgyhUdJ_TY)

 

The onsen greeted Victor in its warm embrace, and Victor leaned back against the wall with his eyes closed.  He didn’t know where Yuuri had disappeared to once they arrived home.  It started with his mother asking for help with something, then his sister called for his attention.  In the end, Victor found himself spending the evening alone and clinging to that last vestige of warmth from their afternoon.

 

Beneath his eyelids, he recalled the many touches he shared with Yuuri.  The other man would withdraw at first but in time he relaxed into them.   Victor smiled as he remembered the dance.  Yuuri allowed him to easily take the lead.  The feel of the younger man’s skin through the fabric, the easy movement of those hips beneath his fingers haunted his thoughts and his lips unconsciously parted.

 

The sounds of someone entering the bath and disturbing the surface brought Victor’s thoughts to the present.  He opened his eyes to the view of Yuuri’s ass as the brunette stepped into the onsen, which almost stole his breath.

 

Yuuri turned around and his eyes widened, a blush climbing into his cheeks.  “Oh.  Hi, Victor,” he murmured shyly, his chin dropping.  “I wasn’t sure if you were asleep.”

 

“Just resting my eyes.  I’ve not quite adjusted to the time change,” he lied easily.  Like hell was he going to say he was having not so nice thoughts about the boy climbing into the hot spring next to him deliciously naked.   _ My god, what an ass! _  He knew what would haunt his dreams tonight.

 

Yuuri moved over to sit next to him, not quite touching but well within reach.  “What do you think?”

 

Victor blinked.   _ About your ass?  About your thighs?  About those brown eyes I just want to melt into?  God, get it together, Victor. _  “Oh, ummm,” he stumbled through in confusion.

 

Yuuri chuckled and it came out warm with just a hint of a burr that made him want to dive in and kiss the boy, dipping his tongue down into that mouth. “I suppose you were dozing more than you thought.  You seem a little disoriented,” Yuuri observed.  Incorrectly, but he’ll take it.  “About today, as I walked you through…my skating.”

 

Victor smiled.   _ Skating.  That’s a safe subject.   _ And he’s bound to the depths of this hot spring anyway until he settled down.  “I am not disappointed. The facilities are smaller but we don’t have to share them too much, which makes up for the difference.  There are things that I could use back in Russia that would help you develop your jumps faster like harnesses and such, but we will do fine without them.”

 

“So…you really think I have a chance?”  Yuuri held his eyes as he chewed his lower lip.

 

There it is.  That lack of confidence that seemed to filter through almost his every move.  “I do,” Victor reassured him, his voice steady and grounding. “But the key is getting you to believe it.”

 

Yuuri drew a breath as he focused his thoughts and rested his eyes on something in front of him.  “I want to believe it,” he finally stated.  “But…that’s not something that comes easily.”

 

“Do you trust me?” Victor asked, tilting his head, his eyes warm and inviting.

 

“A madman that flies fifteen hours to see someone unannounced because of a Youtube video?  Oh, absolutely.”  Yuuri’s eyes twinkled as he tilted his head, his lips twitching in amusement.

 

Victor grinned.  “There you have it.  We’ve got this.  It’s a winning combination.” 

 

Yuuri leaned back against the edge of the pool, his hand resting on his raised knee.  A smile touched his lips as his eyes drifted closed.  Victor allowed his gaze to slide over the man unobserved, tracing the visible details.  Those eyes snapped open and Victor leaned back quickly.  “How long are you staying out here?”

 

“Well, there is still a sad lack of furniture in my room,” Victor responded with a wink.

 

Yuuri frowned.  “I didn’t think about that.  You could…come to my room.  Maybe watch a movie?”

 

“Okay,” Victor responded, his expression visibly brightening.

 

“Meet me there in half an hour.  I’m going to find some pajamas after showering off once more.”  Yuuri kept his back turned to Victor as he walked away and climbed out of the bath gracing Victor with another view of that amazing ass.  He watched the man reach over and grab a yukata, fluttering it onto his shoulders and tying it off at the waist before he glided out of the enclosure.  Victor blinked, more than once, to make sure he wouldn’t turn back and return.  Standing, he glanced down knowing he had his own issues to deal with before joining Yuuri.  Grabbing his own yukata, he followed behind Yuuri’s path. 

 

* * *

 

A shower behind him, Victor sat cross-legged on the futon as he texted his friend.

 

**Victor/ He invited me to watch a movie with him!**

 

**Chris/ And here I thought you’d be bored *sarcasm implied***

 

**Victor/ His ass…gods would be jealous of that ass.**

 

**Chris/ I’ve said that before.**

 

**Victor/ You haven’t seen it unadorned.**

 

**Chris/ Oh? That’s quick work, Vitya.**

 

**Victor/ No.  It’s staying at an onsen.  We soaked in the hot spring together.**

 

**Chris/ So you took a bath together.   That’s usually the third date for me.**

 

**Victor/ Chris!  Anyway, we are watching a movie in his room and…he’s slowly letting down his guard.**

 

**Chris/ See?  You just have to give it time.**

 

**Victor/ I really want this.**

 

**Chris/ I can tell.  Now, go watch that movie.**

 

**Victor/ cya**

 

* * *

 

Victor approached Yuuri’s door and knocked lightly.  He heard a rustle then the door opened.  Stepping into the room, he realized it was small and felt a pang of guilt for taking up such a large space.  This wasn’t much bigger than one of the storage rooms connected to his room.  The walls were bare but he could see signs of things that were once attached.  He wondered what pictures graced those walls.  Probably from his childhood…moving home meant making changes.  He turned and smiled, finding Yuuri dressed in a soft t-shirt and sleep pants, his glasses somewhat crooked.  Victor reached up unconsciously and straightened them.  Yuuri stood still, his lips parting in surprise as those knuckles grazed down his cheek.

 

“So, a movie,” Yuuri stated as he cleared his throat.  He crawled up into his bed and leaned against the wall.  Victor followed him, settling in next to him. “I forgot to ask what you liked to watch.”

 

“I watch all kinds of things.  Show me something you like,” Victor suggested.

 

Yuuri pulled up his Netflix account and Victor’s eyes scrolled over some of the films in Yuuri’s history.  Musicals, operas, ballets…those he expected.  A few anime.  Some rom-coms.  A few thrillers.  Victor shrugged.  “Maybe something to make me laugh.”

 

Pulling up the comedy tab, Yuuri scrolled through until they settled on the rom-com  _ Must Love Dogs _ .  “It involves dogs.  That can’t be bad.”

 

Victor grinned and nodded.  Sharing a laptop to watch a movie meant that they settled in close, hip to hip.  At some point, Victor found his head leaning on Yuuri’s shoulder, a hand drifting into the bowl of popcorn Yuuri provided.  In the end, Victor decided it was not bad for a _night-in_ type of movie.  In fact, he was able to snuggle into Yuuri and that made it better.  As Victor stretched and moved to shift in the bed, he blinked as Yuuri pulled free and placed the laptop on his desk, the bowl beside it.  Victor shifted lazily and reclined across the bed.

 

Yuuri turned and narrowed his eyes towards Victor, his expression amused however.  “I don’t think we know each other well enough to share a bed,” he teased.

 

“Probably not,” Victor quipped back.  “For all I know you steal the covers at night.”

 

“Or you kick and we both end up on the floor, tangled up in the blankets,” Yuuri returned as he sat back on the bed.

 

Victor shrugged and answered nonchalantly, “It wouldn’t take too much to kick you off the bed.  The key is to be the one by the wall.”

 

“Shared enough single beds?” Yuuri asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

This ground was getting dangerous.  “It’s…been awhile…” his voice trailed off, the air becoming thick.  “Perhaps I should…” he motioned towards the door.  A hand stopped him as he started to head out of the room and he turned.

 

Yuuri thinned his lips thoughtfully.  “Are you okay?”

 

The question caught Victor unprepared.  “Wh-what do you mean?”

 

If the question caught him off guard, then the fingers fluttering through his hair stole his breath. Yuuri’s fingers slid down the side of Victor’s face and lifted his chin so their eyes met.  “There’s a part of you that is completely hidden by your smiles.  I just wonder…”

 

Victor jerked his head down.  His voice gruff, he responded, “I-I’ve really got to go.”

 

In the hall, he found himself gasping for air.  For a moment, it felt like Yuuri could see right through him.  Entering his room, he was soon joined by Makkachin.  He wrapped himself around the dog and murmured into her fur, “I’m not ready for him to see the broken pieces of me.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For a darker look at depression, check out ["Ningen"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11282742/chapters/25236696) by Magrathea.


	10. Glitter & Gold (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri is starting to puzzle out Victor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates, for the edits! Thanks, Maggie, for the beta read!

* * *

 

[ Glitter & Gold ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5j6LjxAaR88)

 

Yuuri stared at the door that the other man had fled through, contemplating the action.  Victor was a bigger puzzle than he realized.  Once he pushed back his own anxieties, Yuuri noticed that Victor sought out physical connections like his very existence depended on it and yet he had he lived entirely alone, save his dog, Makkachin.  According to all of the articles on Victor, and Yuuri had read them all, even the ones he had to get translated from Russian, the silver haired man hasn’t been connected to anyone romantically since he broke it off with Chris.  And even that wasn’t a full on relationship. At best it was really just a friends-with-benefits relationship.  Although, in the beginning, there was a rumored intensity.  And Chris was still really protective over the ice god.

 

**Yuuri/ Phichit, are you up?**

 

**Phichit/ Sure.  Always for you.**

 

**Yuuri/ What if it was Victor?**

 

**Phichit/ ???**

 

**Yuuri/ That left that note.**

 

**Phichit/ I suggested it before.**

 

**Yuuri/ He’s different, though.  Almost…vulnerable.  I’m afraid he’ll break.**

 

**Phichit/ Has it occurred to you that perhaps you aren’t the only one with issues?**

 

**Yuuri/ I…**

 

**Yuuri/ I don’t think it has.  I’m such a selfish asshole.**

 

**Phichit/ Only sometimes.  Most of the time you are an endearing asshole.**

 

**Yuuri/ Thanks.**

 

**Phichit/ Anytime.**

 

Yuuri plugged up his phone and curled up in bed.  His hand slid across the surface that held Victor moments before.  He…was disappointed.  Closing his eyes, he knew that it was too quick but part of him wanted him to stay.  And it wasn’t necessarily the part below the elastic of his shorts. _  How can I help you? _

 

* * *

  
  


Victor called Yuuri out on the midway slowdown on the second day.  “I need to push myself,” he huffed.  “Your mother’s cooking will do me in!”

 

Yuuri chuckled. “Okay.  You asked for it.”  Yuuri stretched out his stride and Victor found himself gasping for air by the time they reached the rink. 

 

“You definitely have me on stamina,” Victor pointed out. 

 

“Some of us are made for sprints, and others for the long stretches.”

 

“I always considered figure skating a sprint,” Victor muttered.

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “As you said, we are also fighting my mother’s cooking.”

 

Once on the ice, Victor pushed him hard, demanding as much on the ice as Yuuri pulled on the run.  Victor pushed himself as well, showing Yuuri what he wanted to see in his student.  After the third fall, however, Victor pulled him off the ice for a break.  “We’ll work on basic training.  Then we can come back and skate this afternoon.”

 

Yuuri nodded, his chin holding a frustrated hardness.  Yuuri pushed through the workout with Victor alongside him.  They finally broke for lunch and sat on the steps.

 

“It’s not a race,” Victor stated as he dipped the chopsticks into the bento.

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “I don’t want you to waste your time.”

 

“Yuuri,” Victor stated, his voice softening to a purr.  “I am here by choice.  I need to be here.  Just relax and let me help you.  Don’t rush it.  If we force it, nothing will work and someone will get hurt.”

 

Yuuri met his eyes, getting the idea that more than skating was being discussed through those words.  He finally nodded in agreement.  As they eased back into their afternoon session, Yuuri’s movements were less frantic.  Victor’s voice gentled and Yuuri found himself more responsive to the expectation than the demand.  Something seemed to click.

 

* * *

  
  


Victor’s belongings, which had arrived along with the furniture he ordered, met the men as they returned from training.  Victor stared at the instructions in a state of confusion before Yuuri rolled his eyes and took over.  “I’ve got this.  You see to your boxes.”  Yuuri soon had the pieces laid out and identified, mapping what piece went where.  With a small toolbox in hand, he moved from one section to the next and soon the bed was assembled.  The mattress popped out of the box.  Yuuri and Victor watched, turning their heads sideways in curiosity as the foam slowly stretched into its full size.

 

Next came the chest of drawers followed by a basic desk.  Victor’s preference for modern meant that added bonus of easy assembly.  The uncomplicated pieces came together as Victor opened one box then the next.  Yuuri found the bedding and suggested they wash it after a quick sniff.  Victor followed him down to the laundry room where Yuuri explained the hotel grade laundry unit to him as well as where they would find any removed pieces should they not come back down in time.

 

Once the furniture was in order, Yuuri helped Victor move through the boxes that came from his home with efficiency.  Reaching for the third box, he was startled by the weight.  As he opened it up, he raised an eyebrow at Victor lifting out a marble bust.  “I’m not even going to ask.”

 

Victor frowned.  “I didn’t realize I sent that here.”

 

Yuuri stared at him in disbelief before nodding.  “Sure, Victor.  We’ll go with that.”  Returning to the boxes, they soon had him sorted out and his room in order.

 

Victor dropped down onto the sofa and smiled.  “This feels better.”

 

Yuuri sat down next to him and nodded.  “Of course it does.  You won’t feel nearly as out of place surrounded by your own things.”

 

“Thank you, Yuuri.  I’d still be trying to put together that first piece.”

 

Yuuri squeezed his lips together with amusement.  “What would you have done in Russia?”

 

“Hire it done?” Victor’s expression was sheepish as he shrugged.

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “Oh, Victor,” he said, and he could hear the thread of tenderness sliding from his voice even as he laughed.  “Let’s go get your bedding.  I’m sure that futon was great but you’d probably like to sleep off the floor tonight.”

 

“Yes!”  They ran down the stairs catching glances from a couple of guests and his sister before disappearing in the laundry room.  They each returned with an armload and Victor worked with Yuuri to haphazardly make the bed.  Taking Yuuri’s hand Victor fell back pulling the other man down with him laughing.  “You should laugh more,” Victor murmured after they settled down, both staring up at the ceiling, neither acknowledging their fingers were entangled.  “I like the sound of it.”

 

“The same could be said for you,” Yuuri responded quietly, his thoughts wandering to the circular motion Victor’s thumb made against his skin.

 

“Sometimes it’s easier than others,” Victor murmured, a heaviness in the back of his voice. 

 

Yuuri turned to study him thoughtfully.  The man lay back staring at the ceiling, his mask for once relaxed giving Yuuri a glimpse of the real Victor.  The edge of pain lined his expression.  Then it was gone, replaced by that smile he used to deflect others.  Pushing up, Yuuri pulled his knees in.  “Perhaps we should have movie night here instead,” he suggested.

 

This brought forth a genuine smile.  “Of course.  Or we could watch skate videos.”

 

“Always a good choice,” Yuuri returned, tilting his head to the side and gracing Victor with a smile.  Those blue eyes held his for just a moment before breaking away.  Yuuri sighed.   _ He doesn’t let me look too deep.  He’s protecting something. _


	11. Madness (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The angry kitten arrives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the edits, BluSkates. Thank you for the extra set of eyes, Maggie.

* * *

 

 

Over the next week, their training led Victor to dedicate large amounts of time with Yuuri, skating and dancing together, running in the mornings, walking Makkachin to the in the evenings, and best of all correcting Yuuri’s form, which gave Victor the excuse for more intimate touching.  Sometimes Yuuri would be needed at the inn and couldn’t join him for those walks with Makka but Victor found that he didn’t mind so much.  On their off days, they explored the city and helped at the inn.  Victor made himself a part of the family and they welcomed him warmly as he folded laundry or helped in the kitchen. 

 

Victor gradually worked with Yuuri to become used to his touch, watching as it disconcerted the younger man but he rarely pushed him away.  On the odd times when Yuuri did, he would eventually come back, giving a tentative touch of his own in return, maybe a finger lightly touching his arm in a caress to get his attention, or a tug on his hand.  Victor delighted in these small, hard won touches knowing that Yuuri didn’t give of them easily.  And the moments when their fingers tangled, he was reluctant to let them go. 

 

**Chris/ How is Hasetsu?**

 

**Victor/ I never knew how addicting a shy smile could be.**

 

**Chris/ :D oh?**

 

**Victor/ I find myself doing things just to see that blush or to tease out that smile.  Flustered Yuuri almost breaks me.**

 

**Chris/ I take it that things are going well.**

 

**Victor/ Once I stepped back, yes.  I don’t know why I thought things would fall into place like the night of the banquet.**

 

**Chris/ Champagne removed his inhibitions and probably revealed a part of himself he keeps hidden.**

 

**Victor/ True.  But I catch glimpses of it and I have a plan to pull it out more.**

 

**Chris/ You devious bastard.  You are choreographing something, aren’t you?**

 

**Victor/ ;) Maybe.**

 

**Chris/ : ) Well if you are creating something new, that’s a good sign.**

 

**Victor/ It’s better.**

 

**Chris/ Good.  Because you had me worried for a while.**

 

**Victor/ Me, too.**

 

* * *

 

 

Victor smiled to himself as he listened through the song once more imagining the swing of Yuuri’s hips as the music seduced those movements from the younger man.  He needed to add more elements to it and knowing Yuuri’s limits helped.  It would evolve with his skills but the choreography would carry the same attitude, the same emotion, the same allure.  God!  He couldn’t wait to show him.

 

Except, the gods must have something out for Victor because at just that moment he looked up to see an angry kitten crash into the room.  The blond stood rough and tumbled from the trip and narrowed his eyes on Victor.  “What the hell are you doing here?” Yuri asked, his green eyes steeling up, looking Victor up and down as the older man stretched out on the sofa in the lounge.

 

“Ah, Yuri!  What a surprise?  Why are you here?” Victor asked in a fake cheery voice.

 

“You left!  Before you fulfilled your promise!”  He studied Victor as the silver haired man narrowed his eyes in confusion.  “Don’t tell me you forgot!”

 

Victor tapped his lip with his forefinger.  “Oh, yeah.  I was supposed to choreograph something for you.”

 

“Why are you here?” the angry blond demanded once more.

 

“I’m here for Yuuri,” Victor answered as if that explained everything.  He laid back and studied his nails, picking at an irritation and waiting for Yuri’s response.  It came in an angry sputter.

 

“Th-that p-pig?”

 

Victor narrowed his eyes, glaring at the boy.  “Be nice.”  His voice held an edge to it that caused Yuri to step back in surprise.

 

“Why would you waste your time on such a loser?” he demanded once more, hands on hip and glaring.

 

Victor turned and gave him a warning look.  “Again, you’re treading a fine line for someone that wants something from me.”

 

“I want you to choreograph a program like you promised!  I want you to come back to Russia and work with me, not waste your time on that…on Katsuki!” he answered petulantly, even stamping his foot.

 

Victor tilted his head thoughtfully.  Did everyone think that this move was a waste of time?  Well, not Chris.  He needed to prove to the world he was right to be here with Yuuri, that he wasn’t throwing everything away.  “I’ll tell you what.  I’ll choreograph a program for both you and my Yuuri.  You will compete and the one who wins, will work with me, completely dedicated, to this season.  Either way, you get your program.”  It was a risk but Victor believed in Yuuri.

 

The blond huffed.  “Fine!  Where is he, anyway?”

 

“It is our off day,” Victor answered with a wave.  “He is helping his sister with some errands.  He’ll be back soon.”

 

“Well, where am I staying?”

 

Victor tapped his finger on his lip thoughtfully.  “I suppose you can sleep in the storage room in my room.  It has a futon in there that I slept on when I first arrived.”

 

They climbed the stairs and Victor showed him the way to the room.  His belongings arrived as well as the furniture that he ordered and he and Yuuri spent the last off day putting them together.  Had he been there for a week and a half already? 

 

“What the fuck, Victor?  Why the hell do you have a bust of yourself?”

 

Victor shrugged.  “I dated an art student once and he used me as a model for several of his creations.”

 

Yuri narrowed his eyes.  “I’ve never seen it before.  It’s weird though!”

 

“Perhaps,” he considered thoughtfully. Why did he keep it around?  He didn’t know except that maybe it reminded him that someone had once loved him.  Before Chris.  Someone else who thought he was important enough to make such an effort.  He didn’t come home one night though and Victor didn’t know what happened to the boy.  He later found that he had cleared his belongings, never truly moving in, just staying over and things filtered over and intermingled into Victor’s things.  He later found the extra key lying on the table by the front door.

 

No, the statue reminded him of something else. 

 

Everyone leaves. 

 

Except Chris.  Chris didn’t leave him.  He left Chris…before the other man could leave him.  Because eventually Victor would have to be honest that he wasn’t himself, he wasn’t happy.  And they were still friends.  Even when he was himself.  Even when his depression pushed everyone away.  Even when he pushed everyone away.

 

How will Yuuri react to his depression?  Would he walk away?  Would he run?  Victor frowned, feeling the black mood settle over his shoulders.

 

Yuri came out of his room and stared hard at Victor.  “Snap out of it!” the kitten demanded as if his mood was ever a choice.  Victor pasted on a smile with practiced ease, knowing it wouldn’t reach his eyes, knowing most wouldn’t notice.  “Gah, man!  Why are you getting so moody?”

 

The angry kitten always notices.

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri stared at him in shock as Victor announced the agreement.  “So I have to compete for you…for your time?” Yuuri asked, trying to assimilate the information.  “Against him?” he added, pointing towards Yuri who sat at the moment eating a bowl of katsudon.  A full bowl.  With at least a thousand calories.  And he probably wouldn’t gain a centimeter of fat.

 

“It will be fine, Yuuri.  Trust me.”

 

Yuuri nodded numbly and backed away, not noticing the look in the blue eyes as Yuuri turned on his heel and strode purposefully towards the stairs.  Yuuri took them two at a time and disappeared from sight down the hall.

 

Yuri raised an eyebrow when Victor turned back around.  “Well, that was a bit of an overreaction.”

 

“Says the angry kitten who flew from Russia to have a temper tantrum,” Victor pointed out.

 

Yuri shrugged.  “So what is there to do around here?”

 

Victor leveled his gaze towards the intruder.  “I have no desire to entertain you, Yura.  Does Yakov even know you are here?”

 

The blond shrugged.  “He’ll be fine when I bring you home.”

 

“If, Yura…and I’m placing my odds on my Yuuri.”

 

Yuri dropped his fork and glared at Victor.  “You’re going to be fair, aren’t you?”

 

“Of course,  _ kotyonok _ .  Now finish eating and go wash your dishes.  There is no point in you making extra work with your presence.”

 

Yuri stamped off towards the kitchen as Victor shook his head in irritation.  The gods definitely have it in for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yurio always does make an impression.


	12. Just Breath (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri struggles with Yuri’s presence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much, BluSkates, for these edits. And I very much appreciate the read through, Maggie!

* * *

 

[ Just Breathe ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ob7Ysu3qcyM)

 

Yuuri balled up on his bed, retreating from the world as the news settled around him.

 

To say Yuuri was not happy was an understatement.  To say that Yuuri could feel his anxiety clawing up his throat and tearing at his thoughts…this would be more accurate.  He could hear the voices screaming at his inadequacies.  There was one, though, that kept needling him and digging under the surface of his skin…that one cut the deepest.   _ Victor is just looking for an excuse to leave.  He’s realized how useless you are, how much of a waste of time you would have been.  He’s found a way to back out of his promise and he’s just created this competition as an excuse. _

 

He heard the tapping on his door and knew that Victor must have followed him.  He shoved angry tears away from his eyes.  He hated that his tears could betray him in a heartbeat.  Forcing his breathing to even out, he went to the door.  Victor leaned against the facing, his eyes surveying Yuuri’s appearance.  There is no way he’ll miss the tears.

 

“I didn’t expect him to come,” Victor murmured.

 

“Why did he, then?”  Yuuri’s head fell back, frustrated that tears still edged his voice.

 

Victor sighed.  “Because…in my haste to come here, I left unfinished business.”

 

“Why did you…make that agreement?” Yuuri pressed.

 

Victor frowned, and Yuuri could see that he was just as upset.  “Because…I hate that people question my decision to be here.  I believe in you, Yuuri.  I know you can skate circles around Yura.  He doesn’t have your stamina or experience.”

 

“He also doesn’t freak out and choke in competition,” Yuuri pointed out.

 

“Are you sure?” Victor countered.

 

Yuuri flicked his eyes up in surprise.

 

The silver haired Russian continued, “You may be surprised how many of us have severe doubts and melt down frequently before taking the ice, and sometimes even after.  It takes a lot of mental strain to do what we do.  Most people know about the physical because they can see it on our bodies.  Few know what it does to our minds because we hide it brilliantly.”

 

“I’ve never seen you freak out,” Yuuri returned.

 

Victor sighed and shrugged, his lips turned down.  “You’ve never been in my room after it’s all over.”

 

Yuuri’s lips parted in surprise.  “Victor…” he stepped forward, his fingers touching Victor’s cheek, needing to ground both of them to this moment.  Victor turned into his touch and it was there, that mask slipping away and Yuuri could see the depths of the pain within behind it.

 

“You won’t lose,” Victor repeated.  “I know you can do this.  If you want me here, you won’t lose.”

 

Yuuri felt Victor back out of his touch, leaving his hand feeling empty.  Victor turned and went back down the hall leaving him to his thoughts.  Dropping his head, he knew he would be plagued with his thoughts.  It was the kind of night that led him, almost instinctively, to the rink.  Changing to reflective clothing, he prepared for the run that would take him there.  He ignored the eyes on him as he left the inn.

 

Running in the quiet of the day always had a way of calming Yuuri enough to put on a pair of skates.  It was just late enough that the rink should be free. He allowed his feet to carry him along the beach.  The longer route cooled the anger.  He still had the pain but the anger gave way to worry.

 

He ran up the steps to Ice Castle and around to the side entrance.  His key unlocked the door and he slipped inside, locking the door behind him.  He found the lights with ease, turning on just the ones he needed.  Grabbing his skates from the locker room, he soon had them tied on and was on the ice.

 

His body visibly relaxed, releasing the last of his tension as he pushed off on the smooth surface.  He allowed his mind to wonder as he began to carve an intricate design into the ice.  Yuuko or Takeshi would find it in the morning and know that he’d been there.  He didn’t care.  They wouldn’t ask.  He just needed to push these worries behind a wall.

 

Victor believed in him but what if he failed.  Then he remembered Victor’s words.   _ What if you don’t? _  Is it possible?  Could he do this?  The Russian Punk was the Junior World Figure Skating Champion.  Yuuri blinked.  Six years ago he, too, held that title.  Coach Cialdini scouted him and convinced him to come to the United States to train there.

 

Yuuri felt his movements loosening up further as his thoughts began to flow around the possibility.  Then he drew his skates up short, halting, his eyes remembering the look on Victor’s face, the pain behind that wall.  _  Why are you here, Victor?  What secrets are you hiding?  What do you need from me? _   Yuuri realized he never really asked that question.  “Damnit, Phichit!  I am a selfish asshole!  All I’ve thought about is myself.”

 

Yuuri left the ice, a look of determination on his face.  He removed his skates and stowed them in the locker once more.  Peeling away his sock, he studied the mark on his inner ankle.  He had been careful to turn away from Victor when he climbed into the hot spring in the off chance the other man would see it.  He traced the curve and the dot.  “How can I help you, Victor, when I almost destroyed myself?”  Chewing his lower lip, though, he nodded. Whether successful or not, he had to try.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri returned to a darkened home and wondered how the other two were settling in.  As he walked by Victor’s room, he heard voices in Russian.  Or rather, a voice.  He continued on down the hall to his room.  Opening, he started to find Victor sitting in his bed.  “Victor,” he breathed.  “I thought you were in your room.”

 

“I made Yura call Yakov.  I wasn’t sure how long you’d be and thought I’d wait here…for a movie night?”  Victor’s voice held an edge of hope but also fear.

 

Yuuri smiled indulgently.  “I suppose it has been a stressful day.  How about a soak in the onsen then a movie?”

 

Victor nodded and Yuuri could see that he was visibly upset by the shaky release of his breath.  As he stood up and drew closer, he leaned forward, touching his forehead to Yuuri’s, and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

 

“I just hope your confidence isn’t misplaced,” Yuuri responded.  “For now, let’s soak off this stress.”

 

If Victor noticed how he kept parts of himself hidden as they rinsed off, he said nothing.  Truly, the man seemed shaken, lost in his own thoughts.  It took a gentle urging from Yuuri to get Victor to follow him to the bath.  Victor lingered, allowing Yuuri to go first.  The younger man held out a hand as Victor climbed in after him and the older man clung to those fingers, needing that touch.  Sitting down on the ledge beneath the water, he felt Victor’s hand tighten in his.

 

“I would have gone with you,” he murmured.

 

Yuuri stared towards the middle of the pool.  “Sometimes I need to be alone.  It’s as ingrained in me as your need to touch.”  He heard a surprised gasp from the other man.

 

Victor nodded finally.  “I don’t want to intrude.  I just…sometimes bad things happen when we’re alone.”

 

Yuuri turned to him.  “Did something bad happen to you?”

 

Victor drew in a ragged breath.   “The world crashed around me.”

 

“Is that how it feels now?” Yuuri asked, concern lacing through his voice.

 

“No-not yet.”  Victor stared up into the sky, his fingers clinging to Yuuri’s as if his life depended on it.

 

Yuuri studied him.  He wasn’t ready to talk and Yuuri didn’t want to force it out of him.  Drawing a deep breath, he murmured, “You asked me if I trusted you.  Do you trust me?”

 

Victor’s breath stuttered.  “I-I want to,” he answered.

 

Yuuri nodded accepting.  “I think…we are in the same place then.  We both want to…but we aren’t quite there yet.”

 

“So we wait?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “It will be easier, though, if you stick around.”

 

“Then you’d better win,” Victor answered with a weak smile.

 

Yuuri studied him thoughtfully.  “You’ve already got a program ready for me, don’t you?”

 

“I had it…before I even decided to come,” Victor admitted.

 

“I thought…you might.  That first day at the dance studio, it felt like you were checking my movements.  Will you show me…tomorrow?”

 

Victor nodded.  “I’ll show you…but I have to show Yura his as well.  It will be challenging to both of you.”

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “I didn’t expect you to make it easy.”

 

“Good,” Victor responded, his face relaxing into a smile.  “I would never insult you with an easy program.  I want to challenge you.”

 

“But my jumps,” Yuuri put forth with a wince.

 

Victor shook his head.  “Yura doesn’t have them down either.  I know he’s been working at it but he’s been restricted from them until he moved to the senior division.”

 

“He’s so young,” Yuuri sighed.

 

Victor nodded.  “A year younger than when I moved up.”

 

“Two years younger than me.”

 

“I feel old right now,” Victor groaned.

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “So do I…but I’ve decided that’s my advantage.”

 

Victor turned to him and grinned.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri entered his room to get the movie ready while Victor went into his room to change and invite Yuri.  The Japanese man could hear the two Russians argue through the thin walls.  Shaking his head, he couldn’t help but chuckle.  He heard them head down the stairs.  Fifteen minutes later, they were back with popcorn in hand and bottles of water.  “What are we watching?” Victor asked.

 

“Hope it’s nothing gross,” Yuri groused.

 

Yuuri laughed and shook his head.  “I thought we’d watch a horror movie.  A good way to relieve the stress in the house.”

 

The two Russians exchanged glances and Yuuri knew he had them.  Neither wanted to admit they couldn’t handle horror pictures but Yuuri had already read it on their profiles.  Now they were stuck watching  _ Annabelle _ with him.

 

By the end of the night, both Russians were hiding behind him, peeking out from behind his shoulder.  Yuuri smiled to himself.  Vengeance is sweet and comes in the form of a porcelain doll.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you know how much I've wanted to post this chapter? Since four chapters ago! Just so you can see how Yuuri deals with his anger. I love my vengeful darling!


	13. Hold Your Breath (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor presents the two Yu(u)ris with their programs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to both BluSkates and Magrathea for the edits and comments. 
> 
> I know this fiction feels neglected. It's a matter of switching mindsets and it's a strong flip than between the other two stories.

* * *

 

[ Hold Your Breath ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3BPLzPOCxo)

 

The two Yu(u)ris stood next to the barrier at the rink as Victor warmed up.  The younger version scowled bitterly as he watched the graceful movements of the older Russian on the ice.  “He should just retire already!”

 

Yuuri turned to him with a raised eyebrow.  “Do you really want that?”

 

“He’s at the top of his game.  He’ll start breaking down soon and be forgotten as he hits the bottom.”

 

Yuuri frowned.  “It seems to me that you are worried about the competition.  First you try to convince me to leave the ice at Sochi.  Now, you want Victor out.  You will come into your own in your own time, Yuri.”

 

“Says the loser,” the blonde scoffed, shrugging off the reassuring words.

 

Yuuri turned and smiled beatifically.  “Calling people names is a sign of weakness.”  He then turned as the scrape of ice drew near and he could see Victor slowing in front of him.

 

Victor grinned.  “Are you ready?”  They both nodded.  “Let’s listen to the music, first.  This first one is Agape.”  He played the music, the ethereal sopranos filling the air around them.  “Selfless, sacrificial, unconditional, agape is a god-like love, putting others first.”  Victor kept his eyes on each skater in front of himm as the music wound into their souls.  Spotting the mask of annoyance on Yuri, betrayed by the twitching of his fingers to reveal a desire to move to this, he then switched tracks.  “This one is Eros.”  The music took on a different spirit altogether.  “Eros, sexual love, layers upon layers of passion.” Both skaters were entranced by it, but it Yuuri’s fear and hesitance that made the decision final.  Turning off the music, he asked, “Well?  What do you think?”

 

“I want Eros,” the blond Yuri demanded without hesitation.

 

Victor’s eyes glanced over him before resting on the brunette.  He seemed thoughtful.  “The first one is very innocent; I can certainly feel the god-like quality to it, like angels singing.  However, the second one seems the opposite.   It’s seductive, like…a salsa or a tango.”  Yuuri’s eyes flicked up to him. He already knew how this was going to be assigned.

 

“Exactly,” Victor concurred.  “Yura, for you I have created Agape.”

 

“What?!  That’s not me at all!”

 

“Exactly.  You must be unpredictable in order to surprise your audience.”

 

“And you are going to give the pi-Yuuri Eros?”

 

“I am.  Yuuri,” he turned, elongating the vowels.  “I want you to perform Eros.  Now, are you both ready to see your choreography?” His eyes flicked from one to the other.

 

Yuri grumbled but the brunette nodded, a curious smile teasing his lips.  Victor took that as encouragement.  He started with Agape.  Embracing the angelic quality, he allowed the persona of innocence to settle around him.  Wearing it like a cloak, he moved through the program with grace, transitioning through the elements with ease.  Yuri studied him as he developed the emotion of the piece, watching the elements, it was incomplete and raw, he had only marked the jumps, but he could tell as Victor glided in and out of footwork this would be a phenomenal… perfect short program.  As Victor returned to the edge, he asked, “Well, what do you think?”

 

“Yeah, I got it,” the blond groused with no desire to betray his admiration for the older skater.

 

Victor smiled.  He knew the kitten well enough to know that he may have picked up the elements but the emotion would take work.  Turning to Yuuri, he asked, “Are you ready?”  Victor watched the tremor in those hands as they reached for the rail.

 

“Y-yes,” he stammered, his confidence all but skittering away.  Victor sighed inwardly but didn’t let it reach his expression.  _  I want to see your confidence return; it needs to return for this. _

 

Victor took his position.  Moving his long arms fluidly down his torso he presented his sculpted body, ending in a pose meant to face the judges but landing on Yuuri.  He winked flirtatiously before exploding out into a stunning piece of footwork to the complex and intricate strains of violin and guitar. He couldn’t quite tell from where he stood, but he thought, perhaps hoped, that Yuuri had gasped.   _ Nice. _  He then poured on the seduction _.  This is you, Yuuri, the way you stole my heart that night.  I want to see you this way once more, to touch that part of you that is impassioned, that claimed me when no one else could, the Yuuri that awakened me from a nightmare.  Seduce me, Yuuri. _

 

Wrapping his arms around himself to close off his body as a tempting, yet inaccessible idol, he drew before the two men, he zoned in on Yuuri, “Well, Yuuri?”

 

His eyes went wide, his cheeks blushing pink.  “I-it’s very Eros!” he stammered, clearly affected.

 

Victor grinned and knew he had him.  “Exactly.”  Skating back, he asked, “Who wants to go first?”

 

“I will,” rushed Yuri. 

 

Victor regarded the blond and nodded.  “Very well.  Yuuri, you work on your basics.  We’ll trade off come afternoon.”

 

* * *

  
  


The rest of the morning was spent working through the technicalities of the program with Yuri.  However, the blonde struggled with the overall concept of innocence, the persona.  Finally, frustrated for both of them, Victor sent Yuri to the temple.  The teen sputtered and stomped out of the rink.

 

When Yuuri came before him, he was full of imperfections, hanging up on his frustration with the technical elements, but his emotion was beautiful, flawless.  “Yuuri, imagine your first love.  Now seduce them, make that person your lover.”  He watched the boy blush and smiled to himself, knowing he was pushing Yuuri out of his comfort zone.  Finally, he called Yuuri off the ice.  “What is Eros to you, Yuuri?”

 

Yuuri’s eyes widened in panic.  “I-I don’t know.”

 

Victor tapped his lips thoughtfully.  “Hmmm.  Perhaps we should dance.  Let’s go to the studio.  You talked earlier about salsas and tangos.  Let’s see how you would dance these to this music.”

 

“O-okay?”  Yuuri changed to his street shoes before stashing his skates.  He then followed Victor out of the rink and over to the studio.  Victor hummed as he led Yuuri along.

 

The emptiness of the studio, although good for them, made Yuuri sigh sadly.  “What’s wrong?” Victor asked.

 

“It seems like everything around here is dying.  In the five years since I’ve been gone, the last two onsens shut down leaving just my parents’ place.  This studio is not thriving, which is why Minako took over her father’s bar.  She said even in hard times, the bar would thrive, but the truth is that her father was terminally ill and she had to step in to keep them both afloat.  When he passed away, her drinking became worse.  I…worry about her.  She’s very much like an aunt to me.”

 

The outpouring of information surprised Victor.  As he glanced around, he noted that although well maintained, there were signs of disuse.  “Why were you gone for so long?”

 

“Honestly, there was no extra money to return home.  I wasn’t born to privilege and I didn’t have the finances to go back and forth.  I traveled when I skated.   My sponsors covered my skating and living expenses.  My parents paid for my tuition.  I know even that wasn’t easy.”

 

Victor frowned thoughtfully.  “If you trust me, we may be able to change some of that around.”

 

“How?” Yuuri asked, both doubtful and curious.

 

Victor smiled.  “Believe it or not, I wasn’t born to privilege.  I learned how to make money by cultivating my image.  I can show you how to do the same.”

 

Yuuri listened intently.  “How will that help Hasetsu?”

 

“You then use that privilege to infuse the economy.  We can develop interest in things that you love, in businesses, just our presence will draw tourists.”

 

Yuuri looked doubtful.  “Maybe yours.”

 

Victor chuckled, his hands closing on Yuuri’s shoulder and pulling Yuuri back against his chest.  “Actually, you would be the greater draw, Yuuri.  You are a local hero, the Ace of Japan.”

 

Yuuri made a face at that title.  “I think they expect more out of me than I’m capable.”

 

“Again, you need to trust me,” Victor stated, lifting Yuuri’s leg.  “It’s all here, just locked up inside.  You have the skill and the talent.”

 

“They always say that I don’t have talent, I just work hard,” Yuuri protested.

 

Victor shook his head then wrapped his arms around him from behind.  “You have to have both to reach the level you are at.  And don’t downgrade it.  You just need to find your confidence.”

 

“You make it sound easy,” Yuuri frowned.

 

“It’s…like a switch.  The first time is hard to flip it like it’s been rusted shut.  Then the next time is a little easier and it holds a little longer.  Each time it becomes easier and easier.  But I need you to trust me.”

 

“What if you leave?” Yuuri murmured softly.

 

Victor tightened his arms around him.  “You won’t let me,” he purred against the younger man’s ear smiling as he felt the shiver go through the younger man.  “Now, let’s dance.”  Victor moved away long enough to start the mix that held the Spanish influences.  “You are seducing me.  Do you do this by leading or following?”

 

Yuuri frowned.  “Does it…matter?”

 

“No, it’s just a choice.  One is more overt, the other is more beguiling.”

 

Yuuri considered those words before answering, “I don’t think I can be convincing if I go the overt route.”

 

A smile licked Victor’s lips.  “You will in time.”  He held his hand out to Yuuri and the brunette found himself led into the steps, enjoying the fluidity of Yuuri’s dance training and noticing the attitude that comes out with the music vibrating through Yuuri’s frame, his hips, his steps.  Yuuri, when he danced, easily made eye contact. There was a boldness in his glances, his eyes fluttered coyly, his lashes brushing against his cheeks.  Victor knew once more he was lost to this man and Yuuri had no idea.

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri and Victor arrived at the onsen and Mari quickly grabbed her brother for help with the dinner rush.  Victor promised to join in once he checked on his guest.  He found Yuri in his room stretched out on the sofa.  “Hello, Yura.  Did you find your Agape?”

 

The angry kitten hissed.  “Did you find your pig?”

 

Victor sighed.  “You appear to have no respect for Yuuri but I know for a fact that you looked up to him before the Grand Prix Final.  What changed?”

 

“He was crying.  In the bathroom.  It was pathetic," the youth spat out derisively.

 

Victor narrowed his eyes.  “I suppose it's hard to see our heroes become human.  Did you ask him what was wrong?”

 

“No.  I don’t care.  He’s weak,” Yuri scoffed.

 

“You think that.  But I happen to believe Yuuri is the strongest person I know.”  Victor studied  Yuri for a moment before adding.  “I tell you what. Tomorrow, train with Yuuri side by side.  You do whatever he does.  If you can keep up with him until he is finished for the day, I won’t lecture you about disrespect.  But if you falter, even once, I expect you to show him the respect he deserves.”

 

Yuri scoffed.  “Whatever.  You’re on.  It’ll keep you from nagging me.”

 

“Good.  Now come down and help with the dinner rush.”

 

“I didn’t come here to be a waiter.”

 

“You are staying here by their kindness.  So you will help where needed,” Victor stated brooking no argument.

 

Soon they were downstairs and Mari quickly put them to work.  Both men working through the dinner rush, agreeing to eat later.  Rather than being served as customers, they waited until the restaurant closed and joined the family.  Victor volunteered himself and Yuri to finish up the dishes.  Yuuri disappeared to help Mari with the last bit of laundry.

 

“Why don’t they have staff?” Yuri asked as he rinsed dishes that Victor passed his direction.

 

Victor smiled, humming thoughtfully.  “They work hard and you can see the popularity of the business but that doesn’t mean money is tight.  So they don’t have the means at the moment to hire staff.  So for staying here for free, it is good to lend a hand.”

 

“Have you been doing this since you’ve been here?”

 

“I notice when they press Yuuri into service.  And on those days I make sure to help out as well. But yes, I have.  You volunteer at the animal shelter.  How is this different?”

 

Yuri frowned.  “I guess…it’s not,” he conceded.  “I just never thought about it.”

 

“Besides, it’s also good manners.  When you are a guest, you help out,” Victor added. 

 

Yuri dried the last dish and put it away.  “This wasn’t what I had in mind when I came here.”

 

“Honestly, I didn’t know what I was coming into myself.  It doesn’t mean I regret it.  The rewards are worth it.”

 

“What do you get out of this?” Yuri pressed.

 

Victor smiled.  “Some of it you won’t understand until you see Yuuri as a valuable human being.  However, there is always katsudon.  And that is amazing.”

 

Yuri snorted.  “I guess I can’t fault you on that.  But it’s a lot of work for a meal.  You’re losing money on him.”

 

“Good investments often start at a loss but build in time.  I’ve never been bad at handling money and I hope if you learned nothing from me, you have learned to bank on your image.”

 

The youth shrugged and then a yawn escaped him.  “I think I’m going to have to sleep.”

 

“Good night, Yuri,” Victor’s voice trailed after.  Victor finished up wiping down the kitchen, an easy task because Hiroko cleaned as she cooked.  He then entered the darkened dining hall and moved towards the exit.  He heard the dryer and saw a shadow in the laundry room.  Following the movements, he rounded the corner and found Yuuri and his sister talking as they folded robes and rolled towels.  “Need some more help?”

 

“You already cleaned the kitchen,” Mari protested although appreciation lined her voice.

 

Victor shrugged.  “The sooner we finish, the sooner we all can get some rest.”

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri found Victor after his shower sitting in the onsen, his eyes closed and a cloth on his forehead.  “You’re not asleep, are you?”

 

Victor lifted his head catching the cloth, offering a smile in greeting.  “No, just worn.  I thought I’d take advantage of the facilities before going to bed.”

 

Yuuri stepped into the bath and dropped down on the ledge next to him.  “This was the advantage of growing up here…and this evening was the disadvantage.”

 

“Did you really disappear on your family from time to time?” Victor asked curiously.

 

Yuuri chuckled bitterly.  “I still do.  But it was only when my anxiety couldn’t handle the chaos.  I don’t want to, but I know I am of no use when I’m frozen by my anxiety.  So I run it off, dance it off, or skate it off.”

 

Victor nodded, closing his eyes once more, humming quietly.  He could feel Yuuri nearby, inadvertent brushes of skin, the current created by his movements, the restlessness in his shifting.  Victor peeked from beneath his lashes.  “Yuuri, are you upset?”

 

“No.  I just…I can’t seem to settle down.  I’m exhausted but I can’t relax.”

 

“You’re overtired.  Let’s go up to your room and I’ll help you relax your muscles.”

 

Yuuri’s eyes widened but he nodded.  “O-okay.”

 

Victor guided Yuuri from the onsen and could feel a nervous tension in the younger man.  Yuuri moved ahead of Victor and quickly left the showers. Victor rinsed off slowly and pulled on the yukata.  He regarded the man who rushed away from his side thoughtfully.   _ Maybe I’m pushing him. _

 

He knocked on Yuuri’s door and found him sitting on his bed, his legs crossed leaning forward and frowning.  Waiting for a signal from Yuuri, he lingered until the other man looked up.  Scooting forward to make room for Victor, the older man climbed behind him.  “I’m just going to rub your shoulders and neck to start with.  If anything makes you feel uncomfortable, just tell me.”

 

Yuuri nodded but Victor could see the uncertainty in his eyes.  

 

Victor felt him tremble under the brush of his hand through the hair at the base of his neck before settling in to knead and work the muscles.  He tensed at first but then Victor could feel him start to relax beneath his touch.  At some point, he felt the younger man lean back against him.  Victor’s hands dropped down and rested on Yuuri’s thighs.  He wanted to kiss him, to trail those kisses along the back of his neck where his hair teased against the skin. He settled for a hug.  “Better?”

 

“Mmmmhmmm,” Yuuri answered.

 

Victor held him a while longer, relishing in the intimacy of the moment.  He could feel Yuuri’s breathing even out.  Slipping from behind him, he watched Yuuri’s eyes flutter open momentarily at the shift.  Victor smiled tenderly as he pulled the bedding over the younger man.  “Sleep well,  _ lyubov moya _ ,” he whispered, smoothing Yuuri’s hair back from his forehead.  On impulse, he brushed a kiss over the surface before leaving him to rest. 

 

In his own room, his bed felt cold, even with Makkachin.  But a part of him smiled, carrying the warmth of Yuuri sleeping in his arms close to his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who are thinking about how I deviated from canon, remember...canon divergent. It allows me the creative latitude I need. I become too stuck when I keep it to strict canon. And let's be honest, we don't want someone to retell the story we already know and love. So this is an alternative timeline.


	14. Wake Me Up (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri struggles to find his expression of Eros.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the read through and edits, BluSkates and Magrathea.

* * *

 

[ Wake Me Up ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIQdcSx5S1A)

 

Yuuri was surprised to find Victor and Yuri up and joining him for breakfast.  “Good morning, Yuuri,” Victor greeted lyrically.  Yuuri smiled, humming as he added more to the breakfast he prepared, soon placing the dishes before the other two skaters.  Victor ate humming appreciatively.

 

Yuri picked doubtfully but after taking a bite he hummed with approval.  He admitted begrudgingly, “I am not normally a fan of eggs.”

 

“These are slightly sweetened and have ginger added to them,” Yuuri explained.

 

Victor took his bowl to the sink to wash and then followed up with the cookware.  “I have a favor, Yuuri.”

 

“Of course, what can I do for you?” Yuuri offered.

 

“I need to take care of some personal business today but I don’t want Yuri to lose a day of training.  I would like for him to follow your standard training regimen.”

 

Yuuri studied the younger man doubtfully.  “I suppose…”

 

“Don’t go easy on him,” Victor demanded.  “I know for a fact that you slowed down for me on the second half of the run.  Yuri is in training and he needs the full course.”

 

“Okay, if you are sure he’s up for it,” Yuuri muttered doubtfully.

 

Yuri scoffed, “I can do anything you can, pi-Yuuri.”

 

* * *

  
  
  


Yuuri stretched for a run, the blonde warming up next to him.  “This is a five mile run,” Yuuri explained.  “So we will pace ourselves.”  Yuuri then took off.  The younger man was soon flagging but Yuuri remembered the order to not go easy on him and continued to push.  As they drew up before the steps of the castle, the blonde Yuri was gasping for air.  Yuuri only gave him a moment before he took him up the stairs.  Yuuri then darted across the upper platform and led Yuri up an incline.

 

When they drew to a stop near Ice Castle, Yuri was holding his side.  Yuuri pulled out his water bottle.  “You need to rehydrate, Yura.”

 

The younger man scowled.  “Why are you calling me that?”

 

“Well, I could call you ‘Yurio’ if you prefer,” Yuri deadpanned.

 

The youth hissed.  “No.  Just use Yura.  But if you are going to do that, why don’t you call Victor Vitya?”

 

Yuuri raised his eyebrow.  “He didn’t invite me to call him anything other than Victor.”

 

“I don’t recall inviting you either.”

 

“It’s different, he’s older and you’re younger.”

 

“That’s agist!”

 

Yuuri shrugged and smiled at the angry kitten tantrum.  “It’s an unfair world we live in.”  The older skater led Yuri inside and they pulled on their skates, grabbing their jackets out of the lockers.

 

On the ice, they began warming up.  The initial movements were familiar to the younger skater but then he was startled to see Yuuri running through school figures.  He huffed but a deal was a deal.  He followed suit.  After the third round, though, he huffed.  “What’s the point?”

 

Yuuri smirked.  “I’ll show you.”  Yuuri made a round on the ice before taking off in a complex series of step sequences.

 

The younger skater’s eyes rounded as he realized that Yuuri just let him in on his secret.  Step sequences and footwork patterns were where Yuuri had excelled, and what had drawn the little Russian to admire the older man’s skating.  It was something he envied, Yuuri was much better than he was, and he suspected, better than Victor as well.

 

Yuuri took the younger skater through a rigorous training routine, working through his spins from the ground up, with his jumps starting simple.  Yuri smirked when it came to quads.  “You can’t even do a quad-sal!”

 

“I haven’t quite worked out how it’s supposed to feel as I jump and land,” Yuuri responded undaunted.  “I think I’ve discovered all of the ways that it’s  _ not  _ supposed to feel.”

 

“Let me show you,” the younger Yuri stated.  Yuuri watched the youth skate into his entry, lift his right leg back into landing position, make a three turn on his left, then using his entire body, swoop his free leg around to take off, rotate and land smoothly.

 

“What am I doing wrong?”

 

“When you lift off your body isn’t straight up and down,” the younger man explained.  He tilted his hand.  “This is you.”  Adjusting it slightly, he added, “This is how you should be.”

 

Yuuri took in the information before nodding.  He then skated around and moved into his entry.  He made his rotations but touched down.  Frowning, he shook his head in frustration.

 

They took a break for lunch before Yuuri brought him to the weight room and led the younger man through the grueling workout routine.  The blonde was surprised by the amount of weight the brunette could move, and his core strength, which was much more developed than the Russian’s in spite the extra layer of flesh.  Feeling the ache set in, he whined, “Are we about finished?”

 

Yuuri tilted his head in surprise.  “I normally finish up with two to three hours at the studio dancing through my choreography and stretching.”

 

Yuri groaned, throwing himself back on the mat.  “I give.  I’m going home.”

 

“Yura?”  Brown eyes studied him with concern.

 

“I’m fine.  Victor has made his point.  Your training kicks ass.  I’ll catch you later at the onsen.”  The youth waved, walking slowly out of the rink muttering, “The man trains for a sprint like he’s planning to run a marathon.”

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri entered the studio lost in his thoughts.  He approached the barre, seeking his center of balance.  He then methodically worked through his positions and stretches.  Had Yuri followed along he would have noticed that Yuuri approached dancing much the same way he approached skating, through a devotion to fundamentals.  He played the blend of music that Victor had played for him the previous evening.   _ Eros.  How is a virgin supposed to know about seduction?  I have no clue about sexuality.  I’ve never been tempted to have sex.  The idea is unnerving. _

 

_ Victor.  Vitya.  Do you want me to call you this?  Should I fight to keep you here?  I want you here.  I don’t want to let you go.  You…make me feel things I’ve never felt before.  You scared me at first, making me want to distance myself from you.  But now, I just want your closeness.  I didn’t know how to respond to your touches at first, now I miss them.  Today, I miss you.  I don’t want to go back to life without you.  But you are going to go eventually, aren’t you? _

 

_ Victor.  Vitya.  Do I have it in me to keep you here?  If not, then perhaps I don’t deserve you.  Part of me wants to say that it’s true, that I don’t deserve you.  Part of me is afraid that I’m going to fail.  But you believe in me…even when I don’t believe in myself.  You see something in me that I don’t see myself.  You saw it in me when I saw nothing in myself.  I don’t know why I’m important to you but I can tell that I am.  I want to stay close to you and find out, to know you better. _

 

_ Victor.  Vitya…what is it that you are awakening in me?  This desire to be something I’m not.  This hunger for more.  And then…there is this other impulse I’ve never experienced, this need to touch you.  I’m so afraid I’m going to slip up, to embarrass myself.  Then again, I have to ask myself…what is Eros? _

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri left the studio in a run.  Too much time away left him feeling the drive to draw close to the older man.  He didn’t understand that emotion.  It was something new.  Real and frightening.  This need drove him, pushed him, to…want him.   _ Vitya _ …

 

He reached the onsen.  It was a slow night and Yuuri was thankful.  He entered their home and went straight upstairs to shower.  Twenty minutes later, he joined Victor and Yuri in the dining hall.  Victor looked up with a smile, shaped like a heart, and Yuuri felt his heart stutter.   _ Shit!  He’s my idol! Unattainable…except there he is, well within my reach. _

 

“Your mother’s made katsudon!” Victor stated excitedly.

 

Yuuri laughed, his chuckle drifting from his lips warmly.  “It’s Monday.  So, yeah.  She does that on the slow night.”

 

He settled down and accepted his bowl planning to savor it.  He could tell Yuri was studying his smaller portion but ignored him.   He had outlasted the younger skater and earned this treat.

 

“So, Yuuri, have you discovered your Eros?” Victor purred.

 

Yuuri looked up startled, suddenly realizing he did but…how could he say that his Eros was…Victor, his idol?  No, he couldn’t say that.  Studying the bowl in front of him, he frowned.  Something that elicited undeniable desire, that awakens passions in him, that creates a hunger.  He looks at the bowl, then up to Victor, blue eyes encouraging him.  “Katsudon!” he declared.

 

Victor started.  “Eh?”

 

_ What the hell!  I’m in this far, might as well dive right in. _  “Katsudon is my Eros!”

 

“Oh-okay,” Victor said doubtfully.  Yuri chortled with glee.  Victor recovered quickly.  “I can work with that.  Katsudon it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you are all enjoying this twist I'm putting on the series.


	15. You Don’t Know (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri gets in over his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know! This is a really short chapter. It sets us up for the next one, though.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading through and editing these, BluSkates and Magrathea.

* * *

 

[ You Don’t Know ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BF-nZziUCCY&index=4)

  
  


In Victor’s room, the younger Yuri couldn’t shake the amusement.  “How does it feel to be one-upped by food?”

 

“Well, I can admit that it  _ is  _ one hell of a dish,” Victor stated nonchalantly.

 

“You should have expected it from a piggie,” the blonde pointed out.

 

Victor looked up sharply.  “I believe someone has lost our bet.  You need to find a less offensive nickname.”

 

Yuri pouted for a moment then narrowed his green eyes, a smirk on his lips.  “Fine.  I’ll call him Katsudon.”

 

Victor rolled his eyes at the young man’s antics.  Suddenly feeling the weight of the day he found himself giving up any pretense of being fine with the katsudon statement.  “What am I doing, Yuri?”

 

“I’ve been asking myself that all along.  You should return to Russia,” the boy stated as he studied his nails.

 

Victor shook his head.  “I can’t…you don’t understand what you are asking of me.”

 

“Then explain it,” demanded the blonde.

 

Victor sighed.  “I was losing myself once again…feeling nothing like the last time,” he confessed quietly.

 

Frowning, the boy knew this topic was a little more serious than he was prepared to go.   _ Damnit, Victor!  I’m a kid.  This is adult stuff. _  He opted for, “Did you tell Yakov?”

 

“I told Chris.”

 

Yuri remembered that night even though he was young.  The adults were trying to hide it but that will only guarantee that a kid will want to know all the more what was going on.  Then Victor was hospitalized.  It was Mila that figured it out and they sat huddled together talking about their rink mate.  “I thought…they fixed that.”

 

“It’s not so easy, Yura.  You can’t just take a pill and be well.”

 

“Did you…hurt yourself again?”

 

“No.” He said too quickly, and realized he needed to be completely honest, “I…considered it.”

 

Yura chewed his lip.  This conversation went much deeper than his fifteen years of experience had prepared him for.  “What happens…if he doesn’t want to be with you?”  As soon as the question came out, he wanted to bite it back.  _  I don’t know what I’m doing.  I’m going to fuck up! _

 

Victor stared at the ceiling as that question settled around him.  The silence loomed between them.  “I want you to try, Yura,” he finally stated.  “If he’s willing to fight for me, then he wants me here.”

 

“As his coach,” the boy stated bluntly.   _ Damnit, my mouth keeps saying the wrong thing.  I’m in over my head! _  “And I don’t know why…it’s not like you have any experience.”

 

“Says the one who demanded I return to Russia and coach him,” Victor teased although Yuri could tell his heart wasn’t in it.  “It’s a starting place,” he added.  Pushing up, he reached for the leash.  “Come on, Makka, do you want to go for a walk?”

 

“Do you need company?”

 

“No.  I’m fine.  Really,” Victor reassured him.  “I’m sorry I laid all that on you.  That was poorly done of me.”

 

* * *

  
  


Victor held the leash, frozen at first.  Makka sniffed the ground near his feet before huffing and lying next to him.  “What have I done, Makka?  Why did I put that on him.  It’s not fair.  He’s a child.”

 

The poodle lifted his head and tilted it before dropping it back on his paws.

 

“Let’s go.  I think I need one of Yuuri’s retreats.”  His feet took him directly to the beach.  He took off his shoes and rolled up his pant legs.  They wandered along the surf while Victor’s thoughts crashed around him.  He felt overwhelming guilt.  He felt his thoughts mocking him.

 

_ What if Yuuri doesn’t feel the same?  Am I committed to this if he doesn’t want me?  Well, he wants me but what if…it’s just as a coach?   _ He thought back to that night.   _ He danced with me.  He seduced me.  I didn’t want to leave him but…it was the right thing to do.  He never called me, though.  Maybe he never wanted me as more than a coach. _

 

_ But I want you. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was so short...but I need to switch to Yuuri's perspective. So trust me.


	16. Survive (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guilty knowledge…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates, Magrathea. I appreciate your edits and comments.

* * *

 

[ Survive ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oqvSIrU_4I)   
  


The blonde watched Victor disappear out the door worried, uncertain.  He reviewed his options before moving to the door.   _ Victor’s going to kill me. _  He didn’t care.  He’d regret it further if he said nothing.

 

He tapped on Katusdon’s door.  The brunette opened it and smiled as he invited Yuri into the room.  “I have guilty knowledge,” he rushed.

 

Yuuri closed the door realizing the boy was shaken.  Yuri sat on the older man’s bed crossing his legs.  Grabbing the desk chair, Yuuri sat backwards, pulling one knee to his chest.  “Do you want to tell me?”

 

The younger man chewed his lip.  “Yes…and no?”  He studied the hands in his lap uncertainly.

 

Yuuri regarded the young man thoughtfully.  “Why no?”

 

“Because I don’t exactly have permission?” Yuri confessed, doubt sliding into his voice.

 

“Will someone be hurt if you tell me?”

 

“It’s…a possibility,” Yuri stated quietly.

 

“And if you don’t tell me?”

 

“I’m worried he’ll hurt himself.”  The words came out so quietly but hang heavily between them.

 

Yuuri studied the youth before him thoughtfully as he unconsciously rubbed the hem of his pants that covered the tattoo on his ankle.  “I’ve seen the scars on his wrist, Yura.  I’ve seen the tattoo.  He doesn’t talk about them.  I…was giving him time.”

 

The blonde Yuri looked up thankfully.  “H-he goes through really dark periods.  He’ll cover it with a smile but if you look closely you can see that it doesn’t reach his eyes.  I remember…when they put him in the hospital.  I don’t think it’s the only time he considered…” Yuri took several deep breaths having a hard time getting the words out.   He felt a hand resting on his.

 

“Suicide,” the older man stated quietly.

 

The youth nodded.  “If he stayed, I thought you should know what you’re getting into.  If he hurt himself and I didn’t say something, I think I’d feel guilty.”  He was quiet a moment then his eyes widened.  “That sounds selfish!”

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “No.  It means you care.  Possibly more than you would like to admit.”

 

Yuri nodded.

 

“Yuri, where is Victor right now?”

 

The little blonde spoke quickly, worried that he had alarmed the other man.  “He took Makkachin for a walk.  He cares a lot for that dog.  I don’t think he’d do anything that would put her at risk.”

 

“I agree, Yura,” he said softly, using his voice to assure Yuri.  “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.  I was already watching him but now I know it’s not just a part of his past.”

 

“Are you going to tell him I told you?”  Fear edged his voice.  Victor had trusted him with a part of him.

 

Yuuri saw the boy’s body cringe, as if he had been caught betraying trust.  “No.  I’ll bide my time and wait for the right moment.”  The brown eyes were reassuring and the youth started to breathe easier.  “Do you think you can go on to bed, now?  Or do you need someone to sit up with you?”

 

Green eyes looked up at him with surprise.   _ He is worried about me?  Yuri hadn’t considered how others cared for him, watched over him.  He was used to fending for himself, so much so that the kind gestures went unnoticed or misinterpreted.   _ He studied his hands uncertainly.  “I think I’ll be okay now,” he said, his voice small.

 

“If you’re sure, I think I’ll take a walk.”

 

“You know where he went?”

 

“I have an idea but it’s not unusual for me to take a walk.”

 

Relief filled those delicate features of the little blonde as he nodded.  “Yes.  Go.”

 

* * *

  
  
  


Yuuri’s feet took him to the beach, he suspected that of all his retreats this one would be the first that Victor utilized.  The image of the moon glittered across the waves but that wasn’t where his eyes rested.  Sitting in the sand, with arms around the poodle, a lone figure sat with the moonlight glinting off of his silver hair.  He took a deep breath, hoping to be able to reach to the older man who was feeling low.  Yuuri approached, kneeling down beside him.

 

Victor looked up, forcing a smile.  “Oh, hi, Yuuri.  What brings you here?”

 

“I was out taking a walk and saw you here,” Yuuri answered quietly.

 

Victor turned back to the ocean.  “I needed some fresh air myself.”

 

“I-I missed you, today,” Yuuri confessed, settling down in the sand, his arms wrapping around one knee as the other stretched out in front of him.  He felt a hand on his back unconsciously rubbing circles.

 

“You disappeared pretty quickly after dinner,” Victor commented quietly.  “I thought you might have been upset with me.”

 

Yuuri shook his head, moving closer to the older man.  He felt that arm settle around his waist, hand resting on his hip.  His legs curled back now as his head dropped against Victor’s shoulder.  “You’ve gotten me used to…your touch,” he confessed quietly.

 

“I need it…to touch and to be touched.  I think I communicate as much with my touch as I do with my words.”

 

“It feels like…I’m learning a new language.  I’ve never reached out to be touched or to initiate with others before.  It always felt so…vulnerable…letting someone in.”

 

“You keep walls built up around you.” Yuuri could hear a warmth growing in Victor’s voice.

 

“Phichit describes my anxiety as though I feel everything.  I suppose he’s right.  Even quite literally.  I’ve thrown clothes away simply because they were scratchy or something about them irritates my skin.”

 

“I like soft clothes.”  Victor seemed like he wanted to say more but then stopped himself.  Yuuri felt Victor’s arms tighten around him.  He hoped laying himself bare would help Victor trust him.   _ Maybe he isn’t ready yet. _

 

“What kept you busy today?” he asked quietly, giving Victor an out.

 

The older man chuckled.  “You know that I just wanted Yura to walk in your shoes for a day.  Without the anxiety.  I don’t know how to add that to the mix.”

 

“I wouldn’t wish it on anyone,” Yuuri stated, but a smile touched his lips.  “You avoided the question, though.  Is everything…okay?”

 

Victor frowned.  “I had some business matters to deal with.  I have a couple of contracts I need to fulfill.  I had been putting off the calls but they wanted me to set up dates.  That led me to calling Yakov, which meant a lecture and a demand that I return to Russia.”

 

“I don’t…exactly know why you are here, V-Victor,” Yuuri stammered, not quite courageous enough to use the nickname.  “But I don’t like that you are losing income.”

 

“I was…considering retirement,” Victor confessed quietly.  “I don’t know what I want to do.  But I feel…like I’m at the end.  Unless something changes.”

 

“So you came here.  Why me?”

 

“I will tell you…someday.  I can’t right now.  Just know that I want to be here, with you.”

 

Yuuri turned to study the ocean, the waves lapping at the shoreline.  “For some reason, I think that it is important to you that I fight for you to be here.  You need that proof that I want you here as well.”  He fell quiet for a moment before adding, “I will fight for you.”

 

They walked back in silence.  Somewhere along the way, their fingers entwined.  Victor hummed, a bit of happiness slipping into his step.  Yuuri felt a smile tease at his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay...so what's on your minds?


	17. Killing Me Softly (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor continues working with the two skaters over the next week, both frustrated that they aren’t getting the right attitude for the program.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Working with two Yu(u)ris must be Victor paying for his raising. Just sayin'...
> 
> Thanks so much to BluSkates and Magrathea. Your suggestions and edits are most appreciated.

* * *

 

 

 

[ Killing Me Softly ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ppz-cwLeqo)

  
  


The next week flew by quickly.  With the show drawing near, Victor had hoped both skaters would find the cornerstone for their programs.  He frowned as he watched one, then another, stumble through getting the elements right but missing the emotion.   _ This will never do _ .

 

“Both of you…go…stand under the waterfall.”  They both looked at him in disbelief.  “I’m serious.  Meditate under the waterfall on the core of your skate.  I’ll talk with you each individually tomorrow.”  He watched them leave, their shoulders slumping dejectedly.

 

Takeshi leaned against the wall.  “Waterfall, eh?”

 

“It’s the first thing that came to mind.  I didn’t want to take my frustration out on them.”

 

“Well, Yuuri has a history with cluelessness.”

 

“And the angry kitten will fight anything that reveals his emotions,” Victor added, running a hand through his hair.  “Is it too early to get a drink?”

 

“Minako’s bar is open so I guess not.”

 

* * *

  
  


Victor walked into the bar and knew this was a place frequented by predominantly locals.  The crowd looked a little rough but Minako seemed to reign supreme over them all.  He approached her at the bar, taking the stool to stay near a familiar face.

 

She studied him with a knowing expression.  “Rough day?”

 

“I have two Yu(u)ris,” he stated as if that explained it all.

 

She chuckled setting up a drink before him.  “Enough said.”

 

“Neither seems to grasp the concept of their program,” Victor whined over his drink.

 

Minako laughed, “Well, you want them to work with a concept that neither of them have ever consciously experienced.”

 

Victor hummed thoughtfully into his drink.  “Yura has it all around him…people sacrificing to give him his dreams because of their love for him.  He just doesn’t see it.  He also gives of himself.  I’ve seen how he is when he’s at the animal shelter.  I would take him on our off days because he needed the contact with cats…like my need for Makkachin.  But…I think he’s afraid to get hurt.”

 

“Yuuri is afraid of being hurt as well…and afraid of hurting someone else,” Minako stated.  “I mean, we all admit he can be an inconsiderate ass at times…but it’s not consciously done.  He isn’t that way on purpose.  He just…doesn’t see what is happening around him.  Sometimes he can’t see outside of himself.”

 

Victor smiled behind the rim his glass.  He knew this, of course.  Yuuri never saw his advances.  “Oblivious,” he murmured.

 

“Exactly,” Minako chimed in.  Refreshing his drink, she leaned in.  “Don’t give up on him.  He’s had his eyes on you since he was twelve.”

 

Victor flicked his eyes up towards her.  “And if he never sees?”

 

She shrugged.  “Knock him in the head.”

  
  


* * *

 

 

The next morning, Victor pushed himself up, out of bed.  Minako had matched him drink for drink as the evening progressed and he realized too late…the woman should have been Russian the way she held her alcohol!  He spotted a bottle of pain relief medication and another of water on his nightstand and smiled.  Someone had thought of him.  He highly doubted it was the angry kitten but one never knows. He took the dose and downed the bottle of water.  Wandering into the bathroom, he refilled it and drank it down as well before stumbling through the motions of getting ready.

 

Hiroko greeted him as he reached the lower level.  “Good morning, Vicchan!  The boys went ahead without you.  I hear you matched Minako drink for drink.  That’s quite a fete.”

 

“Don’t tell her but I think she actually kicked my ass,” Victor mumbled.

 

Hiroko laughed in commiseration.  “I gave up keeping up with her a long time ago.  Let me fix you something to eat before you go.”

 

Victor frowned as he considered the shape of his internal organs.  “Nothing too heavy, please.  Maybe…Yuuri’s breakfast.”

 

“Eggs and rice it is!  Do you want tea?  Or coffee?”

 

Victor looked at his bottle and said with a frown, “I think I need to stick to water.  Thank you.”

 

As Victor prepared to leave half an hour later, he looked around for Makkachin, surprised that she wasn’t dancing to go out.  Mari came around the corner.  “Yuuri’s already taken her out.  He said you would be running late today.”

 

“I now know better than to drink against that woman!”

 

She laughed.  “We’ve all been there.  She’s been training for this for years.”

 

"If there was an Olympic event in drinking, she'd take the gold," Victor responded miserably.

 

The ache in his head had receding into a dull throb as he stepped outside.  The sun was overly bright and he quickly fished out his sunglasses to protect against the glare.  He knew he looked more pale than usual.  Hell, he looked like shit if the truth be told.  He started to jog but the bounce of his steps was too much for his head and he quickly slowed down to a stroll.   _ I’m already late.  What’s another half hour? _

 

He entered the rink and stood back watching the two banter back and forth in a familiar camaraderie.  If he achieved nothing else with this event, he had helped these skaters gain this shared esteem.  He edged closer to the barrier.  It was Yuuri who spotted him first.  The younger man skated in his direction and cocked an eyebrow.  “I thought Russian’s didn’t get hangovers,” he teased noticing the pinched expression in the older man.

 

“Sh’up,” Victor pouted.  But he found a touch of his smile when he heard Yuuri’s musical laugh answer.

 

He leaned over the rail and studied the pale expression of his coach.  “Did you drink any water before you went to sleep?”

 

“You act as if you speak from experience," Victor poked back.

 

Yuuri shrugged, his eyes crinkling in amusement.  “I went to college in America, over 21 for most of it.  I’ve had my share of parties.  I made it a point, though, to drink a bottle of water and take to ibuprofen  _ before _ passing out.”

 

Victor sighed, “I…honestly don’t remember how I made it to bed.”

 

“I understand that.  There are a few nights missing from my story, as Phichit would put it.  I’m like my dad, if I drink too much, I can’t remember anything the next day.  It’s…disconcerting.”  Yuuri's eyes flicked down, a blush up his cheeks.  He shifted in his skates.

 

Victor opened his mouth but closed it.   _ Did he remember that night? _  He couldn’t ask him here.  It felt…personal.  “Agreed.  Alcohol has different effects on me.  It’s a good night if I keep my clothes on.”

 

Yuuri chuckled at the insight.  “Noted.”

 

At this point Yuri skated up, regarding him with disgust.  “Yakov would have had your head.”

 

“I know.”  He closed his eyes.  That note Yuri’s voice hit seemed to send a sharp pain crashing through his thoughts.  Opening, he focused on Yuri.  “Show me your skate.”

 

Yuri balked for just a moment before moving into position.  Yuuri turned to face the ice, Victor leaned over the rail next to him, needing the closeness of the other man.  “Are you okay?” the brunette asked as they watched Yuri start his skate.

 

“I…have been worse.”

 

“Do you want to talk later?”

 

“I don’t know if I’m ready,” Victor confessed.

 

The younger man nodded after a moment of thought.  “I’m here when you are.”

 

“Thank you,” he murmured.  His eyes narrowed watching the youth.  “He seems to have found his Agape.”

 

“Something shifted while we stood under the waterfall.”

 

Victor raised his eyebrow in amusement.  “You stood under the waterfall?”

 

Yuuri looked at Victor incredulously, “I mean, you ordered us to do it.”

 

“Well, if it worked…” Victor smirked.

 

Yuuri shrugged, bemused.  “He’s not carrying it throughout his entire program, though,” Yuuri critiqued.  “He gets too excited about a jump, his adrenaline starts flowing and it’s like you can see a flick of a switch and he loses focus on the intent of the show and flips to the components.”

 

Victor nodded in agreement.  As the program became more demanding, Yuri lost his persona and slipped back to the desperate demand for the elements. “If he can hold it, though, the skate is technically demanding enough to make him competitive.”

 

Yuuri sighed.  He knew he was next and Victor could tell he was still struggling, still missing his core.

 

On impulse, Victor wrapped his arms around the skater from behind as Yuri came off of his program and approached the boards. “I believe in you, Yuuri. Seduce me,” he murmured against the shell of Yuuri’s ear, the vibrations sending a chill through the younger man.

 

Yuuri took a deep breath and kicked off toward the center.  Yuri turned around to watch.  “He’s clueless about what you want, you know,” the blonde stated.

 

“What do you know?” Victor responded.

 

“Just what he told me while we were waiting for you to arrive.  Let’s just say I have had more experience than that one.”

 

“Seduction isn’t always about sex, Yuri,” the older man murmured.  He watched Yuuri’s uncertain movements, shy and stuttered.  It was the most innocent of seductions and very much Yuuri.   _ This is how you seduce me every day, your tentative touches, your words offering a shy promise, the way you duck away when your courage fails you.  And every single one of those things steals my breath away.  You have no idea how much I want you. _

 

Yuuri came to the barrier, chewing his lip.  “I know.  It’s not quite right.  I’m still missing…something.”

 

Victor frowned.  Both of his skaters were frustrated but they basically had their programs down.  “It will come, Yuuri…like a switch.  Remember that.”

 

Yuuri gave him a doubtful smile.  Victor waved them off the ice.  “The ice show is tomorrow.  I want you both to rest.  Let’s go back home.”

 

The two skaters stashed their skates and followed him out of the building.  Halfway home, Victor asked thoughtfully, “Have you given any consideration about what you will wear tomorrow?”

 

Both skaters stilled to a stop.  Victor turned to face them.  The blonde Yuri spoke first.  “I didn’t bring anything.  I didn’t know you’d make me compete for you.”

 

“I don’t have anything that reflects this program,” Yuuri added.

 

Victor tapped his lips with his index finger.  “Come to my room after you finish cooling down and showering.  I have all of my old costumes with me.”

 

"Why?" both Yu(u)ris deadpanned.

 

Victor smiled offering a shrug.  "Hang ups with my past?"

 

"Like that statue," Yuri suggested under his breath.

 

“Oh, I didn’t see them when we unpacked,” Yuuri stated with surprise out loud.

 

Ignoring the younger Yuri, Victor answered, “They arrived a couple of days later.  You had an appointment that day so I spent it putting them away.”

 

Yuri gaped at him.  “How is it that you remember the most mundane details and forget the important stuff!”

 

“Everything about Yuuri is important,” Victor stated with a raised eyebrow.  Turning back to the brunette, he was graced with a beautiful blush.

  
  


* * *

 

 

The two skaters descended on him a couple of hours later as Victor finished digging the last costume out.  “Pick the one you want and it’s yours!”

 

Victor smiled as he watched the scene unfold.  Yuri approached it like a mission looking for the perfect costume.  The brunette looked through each box and reminisced about each program.  If he planned on hiding how big of a fan he was, Yuuri was failing at this moment.  No one but a huge fan would memorize that much trivia about Victor.

 

In the end, Yuri found a pearlescent white costume with the angelic appearance of feathers from Victor’s early junior’s days.  Yuuri wrapped his arms around a seductive black costume with black mesh and crystals.  A half skirt fluttered around the hip.  Victor couldn’t help but smile at that one.  “I remember it…I had it designed to reflect both a feminine and masculine side.”

 

* * *

  
  


Victor grew restless that evening after Yuri disappeared into his closet to rest and thumb through social media.  The older man sought Yuuri out in hopes of snuggling up for a movie.  Knocking on his door, he called out, “Yuuuuuriii!”  No answer.  He took the stairs down and began looking for him, poking his head into the onsen, then finally bumped into Mari next to the laundry.  “Have you seen Yuuri?”

 

“He was looking a little stressed.  He went out.  Probably either skating or dancing given the hour.”

 

Victor frowned.  He wanted Yuuri to rest.   _ Stubborn man! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;) Even though this Yuuri is more forthcoming, there is still that underlying stubbornness. Let me know what you are thinking.


	18. Hold Your Breath (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hot Springs on Ice!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BluSkates and Magrathea...thank you for reading through this and editing it. I really appreciate the effort you both put into making this better.

 

* * *

 

[ Hold Your Breath ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3BPLzPOCxo)

  
  


Yuuri ran up the stairs and knocked urgently on Minako’s door.  It took a moment for the older woman to answer already wrapped in her robe, her face showing displeasure.  “Yuuri, it’s late.  What is it?”

 

Yuuri appealed to her with a look of desperation.  “I need you to make me a woman.”

 

Minako started.  “What?”  She opened her door to invite him in while she went down the hall to dress.  Returning to the living room, he found Yuuri sitting on the couch wringing his hands.  “What’s going on, Yuuri?”

 

Yuuri lifted his brown eyes to meet hers.  “I’ve been struggling to embrace the emotion of this skate and I think I know why.  I’ve been trying to channel the playboy.  I can’t relate to that because that’s just not me.  I need to channel the woman that he seduces.  I need you to help me to learn how to move like a woman.”

 

She sighed warily.  “And you thought of this just now.”

 

“Yes?” he offered uncertainly, his eyes imploring.

 

She huffed.  “Of course.  Nothing like the last minute.  Alright.  Let’s go to the studio.”

 

Hours later, Yuuri left the studio with a solid idea of his approach, his Eros.  He smiled as he ran home knowing that Victor would be surprised by the transformation.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Yuuri opened the door to his room and was surprised when he saw Victor curled up asleep on his bed.  Sighing, he grabbed his pajamas and slipped out to shower.  When he returned he sat next to Victor and ran his fingers through the other man’s hair.  They both had a lot riding on tomorrow’s performance.

 

Victor’s eyes fluttered open.  “I told you to rest,” he murmured sleepily.

 

“I know.  I had too much on my mind.  I needed to find a way to work through it,” he explained not wanting to give away the transition in the performance.

 

Victor nodded and hummed sleepily.  Yuuri’s eyes widened when he felt those long arms snake around him and pulled him down next to him.  “Turn over,” Victor breathed and Yuuri shifted so that his back was to Victor’s chest.  He felt the older man curl into his crooks and turns.  “You owe me a movie night.”

 

“I guess…it’s been a while,” the brunette conceded, shivering as he felt Victor’s breath ghosting over the hair at his neck.

 

“Mmmm,” Victor answered.  He made no move to leave.

 

Yuuri stared at the opposite wall thinking about the man wrapped around him.  He missed the gaps in their quiet moments as well _.  I can’t lose this.  I can’t find the words…but maybe I can show you on the ice how much I want you. _

 

Victor tightened his arms around Yuuri.  “You’re still thinking.”

 

“I know,” he whispered into the silence of the night.  “I don’t want to let you go.”

 

“Then don’t,” Victor whispered back.  “I believe in you, Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri smiled and closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep as Victor’s breathing evened out behind him.  When he opened them again, he found himself alone, wondering if it had been a dream.  But the scent of Victor’s cologne lingered on his pillow.  Rolling over, he buried his nose into the fabric.   _ Even if I can only have you for the season, I want this.  I want you. _

 

* * *

  
  


“Welcome to Hot Springs on Ice here at Ice Castle of Hasetsu,” the announcer rang out.  Yuuri shifted nervously in the black costume.  It clung to him and he studied himself in the mirror.  While another would see a gorgeous costume fitted to a lithe body, he could only see the flaws.  He reached down and pinched the loose flesh.   _ I had hoped you’d be gone by now _ , he frowned.  Adding some gel to his hands he worked it through his hair, smoothing it back.  The contacts went in last.  He hated them but he wore them when he performed.  Sighing, he pulled on his jacket.  He could feel his nerves bubbling up and needed to find a way to ground himself quickly.

 

As he entered the stadium, he spotted Yuri.   The blonde looked angelic.  Yuuri smiled encouragingly, but did not have it returned.  Instead Yuri pasted a confused scowl on his face before turning quickly, giving Yuuri his back.   _ Maybe an angry, avenging angel. _  Walking around the corner his eyes landed on Victor.   _ What are you wearing?   _ Even dressed in a hakama Victor looked amazing… silly but amazing.  Then he remembered what Victor said about using his privilege.   _ Oh.  That’s what he meant _ .  He spoke to the press and as Yuuri stepped into his reach, he was drawn forward by Victor’s arm.  He pasted a smile on his face, reserved but friendly, while Victor faced the press.  Yuri scoffed and turned away.   _ Well, he  _ is  _ just a child. _

 

Victor slipped away for a few minutes later while the rest of the crowd found their way to their seats.  When he emerged he was dressed in a suit and tie, openly friendly and interacting with the crowd.  Then Yuri was announced.  The brunette drew near Victor as they watched the youth take his position.

 

Victor studied the young skater as he carried through the routine.  Yuuri wanted to feel the weight of his arms wrapped around him as he settled his nerves.  He moved closer, brushing his arm against Victor.  He felt that hand unconsciously reach around and run a circle along his back never breaking his focus on the skater currently on the ice.  Yuuri could see him unconsciously scoring the boy although they had independent judges.

 

Yuri’s Agape held true to until the middle of his performance.  Just like the previous day, his drive, ambition, and ego kicked in as the elements became tougher.  He pushed himself to deliver perfection but lost the story in the process.  Yuuri frowned.  The elements gained the points.  But he would lose a few on performance.  What does that mean for him?

 

Victor’s hand slipped away from Yuuri’s back when the blonde Yuri left the ice.  Victor called to him that that was his best skate yet.  The blonde grunted unsatisfied.  This was something Yuuri understood.  The kid was going through every single mistake he made in the program…and he likely knew when he lost the story.

 

As the judges worked through the scores, Victor turned his focus on him.  Yuuri’s lips parted in surprise.  “I know you can do this, Yuuri.  I believe in you. Seduce me.”

 

Yuuri drew a deep breath steadying his nerves.  “I’ll skate my best for you, Victor.  Don’t take your eyes off of me!”

 

The older man smiled warmly.  “I wouldn’t dream of it,” he murmured.  Yuuri drew a shaky breath then started when he felt those arms surround him.   “I know you want this.  Show me.”

 

Yuuri smiled, returning the embrace.  He did want this.  Removing the guards, he handed them to Victor’s gloved hands before skating into position.

 

The trill of the music signaled Yuuri, who ran his fingers seductively over his body with an undulation of his torso, offering a flirtatious shake and turning to wink at Victor.   _ Did he just whistle _ ?  Kicking into the step sequence, he focused on his story.  He was the temptress, teasing the playboy and leaving him speechless at every turn of the hip.  Each motion was a show of growing self-aware power.  As she gained in confidence, the playboy was left scrambling.  In the last turn, she cast him aside closing herself off with a wrap of his arms.

 

He stood gasping for air, holding himself closed as a tempting, unattainable goddess.  Then the roar of the crowd cascaded around him.  Shocked back into himself he gave a curt bow, then darted across the ice to where Victor stood. He could see the wide heart shaped smile already formed on that face.  “Did I do it?”

 

“You were amazing, Yuuri!  Such a beautiful adaptation of the program.  I love the way you made it yours,” Victor encouraged as he handed Yuuri the guards.

 

Yuuri slapped them on the blades and stepped towards Victor.  “I just couldn’t imagine myself as the playboy.  I didn’t change anything, just my attitude.”

 

“It was beautiful,” Victor murmured as he drew Yuuri into his arms.  He then slid into a detailed critique as they waited for the score to be announced.  Yuuri rocked on his feet in those arms but listened to the man standing behind him.

 

* * *

  
  


Yuri knew the moment he lost, he could see the perfection in the steps, the confidence in the narration well before the final pose.  Yuuri skated the program he should have skated at the Grand Prix last year.  And this was just the beginning.  He sighed as he took the lower podium.  Yuuri stood nervously next to him unused to the praise and attention, unused to winning gold.  The blonde could feel Victor’s arm draped over the both of them. “I’m so proud of you both.”

 

Yuri huffed.  It was failure.  But he gained what he came for.  He had his program choreographed by Victor.  He won’t go down so easily the next round.

 

As they left the ice, Victor started critiquing their performances.  Each skater shared a glance and Yuuri grinned as the blonde rolled his eyes.  Victor criticized brutally but not nearly as brutal as he suspected the two would be on themselves.

 

* * *

  
  


That night, the family surrounded them to celebrate the results and to give Yuri a proper send off.  Of course, katsudon was on the menu.  Yuuri weaved next to Victor as the evening wore on and the older Russian finally called an end to the festivities.  Yuri raised an eyebrow when he watched Victor guide the brunette to his room.   _ Maybe they need each other _ .

 

Yuuri shrugged into his pajamas as Victor slipped out of his room.  A tap announced his return.  Yuuri sat in the corner of his bed, his eyelids heavy.  Victor smiled indulgently as he crawled up next to him, brushing a kiss into the top of his head.  “Too tired for movie night.  Too many people,” Yuuri muttered, his head resting on Victor’s shoulder.

 

“Do you want me to tuck you in and let you sleep, then,” Victor offered tenderly.

 

Yuuri yawned, his cheeks blushing as he nodded.  Victor pulled the bedding back and settled the skater into bed.  He started to rise when he felt a hand touch his arm.

 

“Don’t go,” the brunette whispered.

 

Victor’s lips parted in surprise.  He studied the brunette uncertainly before slipping under the blankets.  The Russian felt Yuuri turn immediately into his arms tucking his head into Victor’s shoulder.   _ I need this, too.  My Yuuri. _

 

* * *

  
  
  


The next morning, Yuri was annoyed to learn that Victor and Yuuri were seeing him off.  As he stood waiting to catch his plane, he turned to look at Yuuri.  “Katsudon!  I’m going to take the gold.”

 

Yuuri smiled at the challenge.  “We’ll see.”  With that, the blonde turned on his heel and left.  To Russia and Yakov.  He didn’t bring back Victor but he gained the program…and understood a little better why the older man left.   _ Good luck, Victor! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...I hope you liked my interpretation of the competition.


	19. Chapter 19 Antidote (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the high highs come the low lows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very short chapter. It will be followed up by this evening with Yuuri's perspective but I want to hear your reaction to Victor's thoughts. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of past suicide, suggestions of suicidal thoughts.

 

* * *

 

[ Antidote ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXpjUePKFGk)

  
  
  


Victor called for a rest day after they saw the blonde off and Yuuri took him to the underground mall in Fukuoka.  The Russian forced his mood, trying to appear jovial.  He knew Yuuri was doing this for him, going out and distracting him.  But Victor also knew that Yuuri tired when around people.

 

After spending a day shopping and trying new foods, they both leaned on one another as they took the train back to Hasetsu.  Victor kept a protective arm around Yuuri and sheltered him out of what was becoming habit.  He closed his eyes as he felt the rhythm of the train.

 

He won.  Yuuri fought for him to stay, he wanted him here.  Victor should be happy.  Yet, he could feel the deadness curling into his gut.   _ No.  This wasn’t supposed to happen! _  He blinked rapidly to stave off the tears, tightening his embrace on the younger man.  Yuuri lifted his head, a look of concern in his eyes.  Victor made his face unreadable.  He had plenty of practice, deflecting reporters, Yakov, and his rink mates.

 

Reaching Hasetsu they walked quietly back to the inn.  Yuuri kept stealing glances in his direction.   _ I don’t want to scare you away.  It’s…so big.  I am afraid of how you will react when you find out that I tried to…take my life.  I’m even more afraid for you to learn that it wasn’t the first time.  What if you don’t want me?  What if I’m too much effort? _

 

Victor drew a steadying breath and hoped it sounded like a sigh.  When he felt Yuuri take his hand, he glanced down at the joined fingers.  He pushed a smile, setting his expression.  “I think we’ll need another rest day.”

 

Yuuri watched him with concern before slowly nodding.  “Are you okay?”

 

“Of course.  Why wouldn’t I be?  I got what I wanted.”   _ Deflection _ .  He knew it for what it was.

 

Yuuri’s expression was doubtful but he didn’t push.  “Maybe we should have a movie night,” Yuuri suggested.

 

“Perhaps,” Victor responded noncommittally.

 

They arrived at the inn and Yuuri was swept away with the evening activity.  Mari’s shouts could be heard calling orders with Hiroko answering in a friendly return.  Victor could see from where he stood Yuuri tying on an apron and taking orders as he stepped into the natural flow.   Part of Victor told him to join in and help out but…his feet stuttered.  He looked around unnoticed by the bustle, and feeling invisible, turned and left.

 

* * *

  
  
  


The wind blew off the sea as he kicked along the beach, his shoes in his hand.  He allowed the surf to lick at his ankles as he wandered lost in thought _.  I have him within my reach and I’m terrified.  I’m going to fail him.  I’ve never done this before.  He’ll wake up one day and ask himself why did he waste his time on me. _

 

He didn’t know when he put his shoes on, when his feet started climbing.  He just looked around and realized that he was standing high on a cliff looking at the crashing waves against the cliffs.  That’s how he felt inside.  The world crashing in on him wearing him away.  Eventually he would fall, broken on the rocks below.

 

Last year he would have been tempted to speed up that fall, to step just take another step.  But he felt a hand on his shoulder now, staying his steps even as his mind tosses in turmoil.  

 

_ Yuuri. _

 

_ I’m selfish.  I know this.  And it’s the worst kind of selfishness to drag you into this.  To make you go through my struggle.  It was…too much to hope for your presence to conquer this beast.  I had hoped, though.  But it still comes, raging at me, demanding I submit.  And I’m afraid.  Afraid that one day I will, that it will win, that I will fall.  And what will that do to you? _

 

_ Oh, Yuuri.  I should leave now and save you the pain? _

 

_ Except… _

 

_ You fought for me…like I’m some sort of prize.  No.  That sounds shallow.  Like…you’re my knight vying to be my champion.  I don’t know if you can win this battle, though. _

 

_ It…is…too much. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates and Magrathea, for taking care of me and reading through all of this. And for the rest of you, pop over and read the story BluSkates has put up. 
> 
> [Memories Are the Only Real Ghosts](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11554047/chapters/25949061)


	20. Lay It All On Me  (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri realizes Victor has slipped away on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Show your thanks to my awesome editors/beta readers/friends [BluSkates](http://archiveofourown.org/users/BluSkates/pseuds/BluSkates) and [Magrathea](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Magrathea/pseuds/Magrathea) by reading some of their works!
> 
> Let me know what you think below!
> 
> I will take a brief break from Semicolon after this chapter...because I need to write some more Lifeline and a few more chapters of Glitters. I'll be back soon, though.

* * *

 

[ Lay It All On Me ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtejRvpwscY)

  
  
  


The crowd thinned enough for Yuuri to finally slip away apologizing to his family.  Something didn’t feel right.  Victor had disappeared when he would normally pitch in.  Yuuri knitted his brow in worry.  He found Makkachin sleeping in his bed but Victor was nowhere.  Yuuri frowned.  Calling Makkachin to his side, he chirped, “Do you want a walk?”  The poodle barked excitedly.  Clipping on the leash and slipping on his trainers, he stepped out the door.  Makkachin danced anxiously around him.  “We’ll find him, girl.  Don’t worry,” saying this as much for himself as the poodle.  Determined, he directed their steps.  “Maybe he’s at the beach.”

 

He set off in a jog, his worry spurring him on.  As he broke through the trees that blocked off the beach from street view, he scanned the area.  Makka was snuffling along the sand whining every so often.  “Do you scent him?” Yuuri asked.  He glanced around.  The beach was deserted.  He released the lead.  “Find Victor.”  The poodle barked.

 

Yuuri trailed behind the dog that would pause every so often and sniff the sand before continuing on in his search for Victor.  The poodle was sorely missing his companion by this point.  Victor had spent the whole day away, something he seldom did since arriving in Hasetsu.  Yuuri frowned deeper.   _ Be okay, Vitya. _

 

Makkachin paused by a trail that led uphill and Yuuri’s eyes narrowed.  He didn’t like where this was going.  Digging in, he began the short steps that would take him up the steep terrain.  Makka followed on his heels barking and whining, sensing the alarm in Yuuri’s movements.

 

Yuuri crested the hill and could see Victor standing too close to the edge.  Makka ran towards Victor and the other man turned, his expression lost as if somewhere between wakefulness and sleep.  Victor blinked, staring at the dog uncomprehending.

 

Yuuri drew up to the sign.  “Victor!”  Yuuri cried out in alarm.  The sign warned that the edge could give away, but in Japanese.  Victor wouldn’t know.  The man turned and blinked in his direction.  Uncertainty filled his expression.  “Vi-tya,” he added, softening his words.  “Come to me, Vitya,” he entreated, invited, urging Victor with his expression, holding his hand out.

 

Victor blinked, staring at the hand held out.   He took a step in Yuuri’s direction then hesitated.  “I…” he trailed off, hesitantly, not sure what to say.  Glancing over his shoulder, the crash of the water seemed to call to him.

 

“Vitya, please.  Come to me.  I…I miss you,” Yuuri stumbled through his words, desperation edging them.  “I need you, Vitya.”  He watched Victor’s hesitance.  Yuuri shifted his tone.  “You promised me.  You promised that you would coach me…if I proved I wanted you.  I fulfilled my part.  It’s your turn.  Now.  Come back to me.  I need you to stay close to me.”

 

One step.  Then another.  Then they quickened.  Then Yuuri had him in his arms, holding onto him, pulling him further back from the edge.  The edge of what…was he really considering it?

Victor drew a breath as if gasping for air.  The sob wrenched from his throat as Yuuri sank to his knees holding onto the older man.

 

“I’ve got you,” the brunette assured him, his voice soft and comforting.  “Lean on me, Victor.  Lean on me.”

 

He shuddered, trying to grab air.  He felt Yuuri’s hand running up and down his back.

 

“Breathe for me, Vitya,” Yuuri pressed.  “Come on.  In.  Out.  In.  Out.”

 

Victor finally found his rhythm.  He lay in Yuuri’s arms, his ear pressed against the younger man’s heart, the steady beat slowly grounding him.  Finally, he drew up.  “I…I don’t…” he struggled with his words looking at Yuuri helplessly.

 

Yuuri reached for his hand, separating his finger and revealing the semicolon tattoo.  Lifting that hand to his lips, he kissed it.  Victor watched, his eyes swimming with emotion.  “I accept all of you, Vi…” he paused and drew a ragged breath before continuing, “Vitya.”

 

Victor breathed in sharply.  “Vitya,” he reinforced.  “I want…I need you to call me Vitya.”

 

Yuuri nodded, his expression tender.  “I will.  Vitya, will you come with me back down to the beach?”

 

Victor nodded, taking the offered hand as Yuuri found his feet, the younger man pulling him upright.  “I…can’t…” he stumbled through.

 

“Give it time, Vitya.  We’ll talk once we reach the beach.  I just…don’t like the cliffs.  Okay?”

Victor nodded, taking Yuuri’s hand and following him down, Makkachin bounding before them.  As they cleared the trail, Makka ran into the surf.  A smile ghosted Victor’s lips.  Yuuri led him to a place secluded from passing cars and walkers by the row of trees.  Victor sighed as he dropped down in the sand, knees bent before him.

 

His eyes turned towards Yuuri’s hands not thinking anything at first about Yuuri removing his shoes on the beach.  Yuuri then drew off his socks, first one then the other.  Victor’s eyes widened when he realized what he was seeing.  Yuuri stared at his ankle, his frown full of regret.  Tracing the tattoo, he reached for Victor’s hand and placed it on the reminder.  “It was my second year in Detroit.  Before Phichit.  I…was hiding everything.  I didn’t want my coach to know about my anxiety.  It was my first year to be slotted into the Grand Prix series.  I…didn’t do well.  I kept focusing on the failure.

 

“And then…I couldn’t pull myself out of the spiral.  And no one could help me because I didn’t let them in.  They didn’t know.  I…overdosed.”  Yuuri drew in a shaky breath.  “It was Ciao Ciao that found me.  I’m very reliable and when I didn’t show up for practice, he went looking for me.  I spent…a month in an inpatient facility.  They regulated my meds and added an antidepressant.  My coach was educated on my needs.”

 

“How did he take it?”

 

“He was pissed.  He lectured me about how irresponsible it was for me not to inform him of my mental health issues.  He then forced me to take a roommate.  That’s how Phichit became a part of my life.  And Phichit was taught how to help me manage my anxiety.  That’s also why I was so forthcoming when you came into my life so determined to be a part of it.”

 

“Were you trying to…end it?”

 

“Part of me…was trying to shut out the noise.  Whatever it took.”

 

Victor watched the ocean rolling in and out of the beach.  “I don’t feel anything.  Sometimes…”  Victor paused and drew off the wristband.  “Sometimes I cut myself just to feel.  Sometimes…the temptation is greater.  Everyone thinks depression is just being sad.  So many have told me, just cheer up.  Happiness is a choice.  I don’t  _ choose _ to be like this.”

 

“Are you…do you take antidepressants?”

 

“N-no.  Three years ago when I was hospitalized, they introduced me to antidepressants. I…didn’t stick with it.”

 

Yuuri narrowed his eyes thoughtfully, playing in the sand with a stick.  “I want to ask you something but I’m afraid of crossing a line,” he finally stated.

 

“You want to know why…and would I consider going back on them.”

 

Yuuri looked up and held his eyes before nodding.  “It’s just…I was afraid when I couldn’t find you.  Especially when I found Makkachin still at home.”

 

“I’m sorry.  I…became lost in myself.”  Victor’s expression rang with remorse, heavy with guilt and sadness.

 

Yuuri ran his hand down Victor’s, lacing their fingers together.  “It helps when we are lost to find a compass.  Let me be your compass.  We can walk, we can talk or not, we can sit together, lie together…but when your world is crashing around you, please…do not just leave.”

 

Victor nodded, studying their fingers.  “I’ll try.  You know…it’s strange.  I got what I wanted…and I still fell apart.”

 

Yuuri dug into his memories, searching for the skills he had learned while spending the last two years volunteering at the crisis center on campus.  “Did any particular event set off the first episode?”

 

Victor frowned thoughtfully.  “Puberty?  It was delayed, of course…you know how we push ourselves.  When it kicked in, I remember the world becoming…grayer.  I don’t know if that even makes sense.  But I suddenly felt…alone, felt less.  I don’t have family that have maintained involvement.  My father withdrew the last of his support when I came out.  My mother…well, she worries about herself.  I have a brother…he’s older.  He bullied me…especially when I showed interest in more ‘feminine’ things like dance and figure skating.   When I moved in with Yakov, I slowly edged them out of my life.  Then, at seventeen I realized I hadn’t seen them in a year.”

 

“When did you first cut?” Yuuri asked, his voice soft, careful to make sure there was no judgement.

 

Victor thought about it before he answered.  “I think I was nineteen…maybe twenty.  I hid it.   Under the band of my briefs.  It was the first time I fought against the numbness.”

 

“That was the year you cut your hair,” Yuuri murmured.  “There was a lot of speculation.  You released a press statement that you wanted to be seen as an adult.”

 

“That was…part of it.  The part I was willing to share with the public.  Something else happened, though, that pushed me to go through with it.  I was at a club.  In the men’s room, someone jerked my hair and used it to throw me against the wall.  I don’t remember what was said.  I remembered I got away and demanded my friends take me home.”  He paused, digesting the gravity of his words.  “I didn’t tell them what happened and they didn’t seem to care enough to find out.  I-I’ve never told anyone.”

 

Yuuri considered his words.  “It sounds like you’ve never dealt with it.  What kind of counseling have you been involved with over the years?”

 

“I just…only what Yakov forced on me,” Victor shrugged digging his toe into the sand.  “I told them what they wanted to hear to certify me and went on with my life.  I mean…people noticed I had down days.  I couldn’t hide them.  Not all of them, anyway.  But…everything else…I tucked away.  Until I couldn’t.”

 

“And when was that?”  Yuuri nudged gently.

 

“Three years ago.  Chris found me.  I had been…cutting, trying to feel something.  It was post competition.  It seems right after a win it’s the worst.  Like everyone is making demands on me.  I start insulating myself until I just…feel nothing.

 

“I was looking at the razor and the thought materialized…I could just stop all of this, right then.  I was sharing a room with Chris, though.  It was his idea.  I am glad he insisted.  He came back early because he forgot something and he found me.  After that, it was the hospital.  They covered it up.  Some bullshit about spending time with family,” Victor shot Yuuri an incredulous look, “like I ever spent time with them.”

 

“How long?”

 

“I was there about a month I think?” The Russian man’s eyes fell from Yuuri’s face and began to study the sand before him again.  “I kept taking the medicine for a couple of months after that but…I didn’t feel as sharp on the ice.  So…I would skip days.  Then I stopped all together.”

 

“How did the medicine affect you?  You said you didn’t feel as sharp.”

 

“It made me feel disconnected.  And I slept a lot.  I went from feeling nothing to this sadness.”

 

Yuuri chewed his lip thoughtfully.  “Did you ever attempt to have them adjusted?”  He knew the answer but had to ask.

 

Victor shook his head.  “Ever since then I just focused on those that were important to me.  I have Makkachin and I always reminded myself that she would not be okay if I wasn’t there for her.”

 

Yuuri pressed his lips together.  “What happened today?”

 

“I…was afraid,” the Russian stuttered.

 

Yuuri chewed his lower lip.  “I think we need to get this out in the open.  We’ve been dancing around this…thing going on between us.”

 

“I know.  I just…Yuuri?  Do you remember the banquet?  Last December?”

 

Yuuri sighed.  “No, I don’t.  I drank too much.  Did we talk?”

 

“We danced, Yuuri.  Several dances.  Then I walked you back to your room.  I left a note.”

 

Yuuri reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet.  Reaching behind the credit card slots, he pulled out a piece of paper.  “This note?”

 

Victor looked at the paper with the faded numbers and words.  His lips parted in surprise.  “This is why you never called me.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I didn’t know it was you.  I couldn’t fathom the idea that you would…care enough to take care of me that night.  Phichit suggested it but…it seemed impossible.”

 

“It was me.  It was the first night in a long time I felt something.  I wanted…more.  I came here hoping to find it.  You asked me to be your coach that night.”

 

“I can’t believe I did something so bold,” Yuuri exclaimed covering his face.

 

Victor smiled in fond reminiscence.  “You danced around a pole with Chris, Yuuri.  You challenged Yura to a dance off.”

 

“Oh.  My.  God.”  Yuuri buried himself further into his hands.  He heard the chuckle.  Then it blossomed into a full laugh.  Yuuri peeked between his fingers.  He spied Victor resting his cheek against his knees watching him, his eyes warming up.  “I suppose...my humiliation is worth it…if it makes you smile.”  Victor then startled a squeal out of him as he pulled Yuuri into his arms.  Yuuri’s expression settled into a smile and he wound his arms around Victor’s waist.

 

“So, about us,” Victor began, tightening his arms.  “I want there to be an us…but you needed to know all of this.  I’m…a bit of a mess.  Which, interestingly enough, is the exact thing you said to me when I tucked you in that night.”

 

Yuuri laughed with a shrug.  “Well, it’s true.  I am.”

 

“Do you think…we can see how this works?”  Hope threaded through his voice but it was almost afraid.

 

Yuuri lifted his eyes and studied him.  “I need you to talk to me.  I need you to be true to who you are and not hide.  Not from me.  And please…do not disappear.”

 

“Okay…I can do that,” Victor murmured.

 

Yuuri took a deep breath.  He wasn’t finished.  “I also need you to get help.  My biggest fear is waking up and you not being there.  I still see my psychiatrist.  We periodically make adjustments.  I’m being open with you.  I need the same from you.”

 

Victor drew a deep breath.  “You aren’t going to go easy on me.”

 

“I can’t.  I care too much, Vitya.  In the short time that you’ve been here you’ve encompassed my world.  I don’t let people in as easily as I opened to you.  It’s how I show my love.”

 

Victor gasped.  The tremble worked through his limbs as he pulled Yuuri close to him.  “I’ll do my best…but…you may have to call me on my shit.”

 

“And you may have to call me on mine.  Anxiety isn’t easy to live with either.  You may want to contact Phichit and find out what it’s like.  I…can be self-centered.  It isn’t that I don’t care.  But when my anxiety is kicked in, my focus narrows.”

 

“I can do that.  We…can take care of each other.”   Victor fell back in the sand.

 

Yuuri leaned over him and studied him.  “It…won’t be easy for me.  I need you to be patient.  I’ve never…been intimate with anyone.”

 

Victor blinked up at him.   Reaching up, he allowed his fingers to drift down Yuuri’s cheek, his thumb tracing over his lip.  “I won’t rush you, Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri smoothed his hair behind his ear.  Victor’s hand slid down his shoulder and rested in his waist.  Yuuri lowered himself down, ducking in under the other man’s chin.  He felt those arms wrap around him and tighten.   _ I’m scared.  I don’t know what this means.  But I want him.  And he wants me with all of my flaws.  So here we are. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Those who suffer from depression are not there by choice. They cannot choose to be happy...although many learn to fake it in order to deflect attention. And some do fall victim to the beast. They sometimes hide in alcoholism or drug abuse or other addictions. And sometimes...they walk off the edge. If we let that single moment in which they lost the battle cloud our view of the person then we have forgotten what they stood for. We would not blame a cancer victim for dying, and we must not blame one who dies of depression. We hope that they can find some sort of remission, that the right person, the right motivation crosses their path.
> 
> When I saw Victor in the series, I was reminded of this quote from Robin Williams “All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you really are.”
> 
> This is the Victor I’ve brought forward, into the spotlight, showing the struggle he has with depression.


	21. Ready to be Myself  (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After it all comes out, we have to return home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates and Magrathea, for going over this for me. 
> 
> A short chapter but it has some gems in it.

[ Ready to be Myself ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5rqGjc7Y2k)

 

The walk home held a companionable silence with its own comfort.  Yuuri tangled their fingers together and Victor leaned into his space.  Makka bounded in front of them happy to be with both of her humans.  Arriving at the inn, Victor took a deep breath.  “Is your family worried?”

 

“I don’t think so,” Yuuri answered with a shake of his head.  “I didn’t say much when I left and they are used to me leaving at odd hours.”

 

Entering, they heard Hiroko humming as she straightened the family room.  Looking up, she greeted them warmly.  “You’re back!  Come.  Let me feed you.”

 

Victor smiled.  “I don’t want to trouble you.  I should have returned sooner.”

 

“Nonsense.  Yuuri hasn’t eaten either.  Both of you, come with me,” she ordered, motioning for them to follow.

 

They settled on the bar stools while Hiroko continued humming as she threw together a meal from leftovers.  “Yuuri would disappear after chores in the last few years that he lived here,” Hiroko said cheerily when she placed the dishes in front of them.  “But I’m his mother so I would stay up until he was home safe.  We would have late night talks while I cooked and Yuuri cleaned.  It was one of the best times I could get him to open up and talk.”

 

“My defenses are lowest at night,” Yuuri murmured in explanation.

 

Victor smiled softly remembering their late night talks in the onsen or snuggled up watching a movie and after.  “I’ve noticed,” he confessed, admiring the soft blush dusting Yuuri’s cheeks.

 

Hiroko poured water through a strainer and began steeping a cup of tea.  “I remember when Yuuri was working through his anxiety meds the first time.  He couldn’t settle down.  Then you couldn’t get him out of bed.  It is hard to regulate medicine, especially those that work with your thoughts.”

 

Yuuri watched his mother fondly.  “I’d get so frustrated.  I didn’t want to lose myself.  I would sometimes rock and cry with either my mom or my sister holding onto me.  It was a hard year.  I can’t believe I didn’t lose a year in school.”

 

“You were always good at keeping up, Yuuri,” his mother observed over her cup of tea.  “You would miss a week and would be caught back up within a couple of days.”  Turning to Victor, she winked.  “Don’t let him lie to you.  He’s quite brilliant with his academics.  He graduated university with a 4.0 while still competing.”

 

Victor sighed, enjoying their presence, their forthcoming stories.  Late nights were the best times to talk.  Taking a deep breath, he murmured, needing to confess his pain and cleanse another part of him.  “I’ve always felt alone in my struggles.  Yakov tried…but he is my coach.  It’s not the same.”

 

Hiroko smiled, understanding touching her eyes.  “You have family now, Vicchan.  You do not have to struggle alone.  Toshiya and I support all of our children through their struggles.”

 

Victor didn’t know when the tear slid down his cheek.  His mouth was open in surprise.  Then he felt an arm going around him and he was in Hiroko’s arms.  “There, that’s good, Vicchan, let it all out.”  He felt Yuuri’s hand on his back rubbing in soothing circles.  He wasn’t used to falling apart so easily but Hiroko and Yuuri, hell, all of them could push past his defenses.

 

When Victor regained his composure, he fell in next to Yuuri to wash the dishes while Hiroko finished her tea.  They left the kitchen together, parting at the stairs.  “Good night, boys.  Sleep well.”

 

Victor followed Yuuri up the stairs in contemplation.  As he paused by his door, he felt that emptiness clawing at his insides.  He looked up and met Yuuri’s eyes.  The younger man held out his hand.  Victor stared at it for a moment before taking it, following Yuuri to his room.

 

“It’s late or I’d suggest a movie,” Yuuri offered uncertainly.  “But…you can sleep here anyway.”  He shifted.  He felt bold when he offered the hand, knowing Victor needed someone near him that night.  Now, his anxiety had him second guessing.  Then Victor was near him, threading their fingers together, touching their foreheads.

 

“Let me change into my sleepwear.  I’ll join you shortly,” Victor promised, tearing himself away.  Victor watched with a thoughtful smile on his lips as Yuuri staggered on into his room.  He still felt the heaviness inside but having Yuuri near seemed to strengthen him, as if Yuuri was sharing the burden.  He slid his door open and went immediately to the chest.  As he dressed, he studied his body.  Most of the scars were thin, small white marks that would go unnoticed.  The more risqué photo shoots easily airbrushed them out.  He could lie to a non-skater about their origins, telling them that it was a hard bite on the ice.

 

Yuuri wouldn’t buy it, though.  His saving grace, up to this point, lay in the fact that Yuuri would quickly avert his eyes with embarrassment tinging his cheeks.  Now, Yuuri knew his secret.  He didn’t run, though.  Instead, he held out his hand.  He accepted all of Victor, flaws included.  Drawing in a shaky breath, he called Makkachin to his side and they walked down the hall to Yuuri’s room.  Victor tapped lightly and the door opened.

 

Yuuri’s room was lit by a small lamp next to the bed where he plugged in his phone and set the alarm.  “Do you mind if I add mine to the power strip?” Victor asked.

 

Yuuri smiled and shook his head.  “Go ahead.”

 

Victor stood awkwardly after he made the connection.   _Why is it so awkward?  Those feelings were there before.  We just never said them._  Something about putting them in words, however, made it real.  Yuuri flipped on the fan to circulate the air before reaching for the lamp and settling back into bed.  Victor still stood there, darkness falling around him.

 

“Vitya, come to bed,” he whispered reaching towards him in the shadows.

 

Victor’s legs wouldn’t move.  He felt overwhelmed, crushed by thoughts of unworthiness.  “I…”  What could he say?  What would make it right?

 

Yuuri shifted up on his knees and walked across the bed.  Reaching into the darkness, he took Victor’s hands, rubbing his thumb across the surface of the older man’s skin.  “What are you afraid of?”

 

“I-I don’t deserve you,” Victor whispered.

 

“ _I_ don’t feel worthy of _you_ ,” Yuuri murmured.  “But I’m here.  Offering what little I have.  Will you join me?”

 

Victor collapsed into Yuuri’s embrace and Yuuri scooted back pulling Victor with him.  “I don’t know why this is so hard.  We’ve slept in the same bed before.”

 

Yuuri settled him back and began carding through his hair, soothing him.  “But it is different now that we’ve laid out the terms of our relationship.  This is new ground for me.  I’m scared, too.  But I know if I don’t do this, I will always regret it.”

 

“I don’t think I’ve been a part of something like this before.  Chris took care of me but…it was different.  He had other lovers.  I couldn’t…I’m not like that.”

 

“Nor am I…it’s hard for me to give myself to a person.  But with you, I want to.”

 

“Will you take care of me, Yuuri?”

 

“Only if you take care of me…and yourself,” Yuuri promised.

 

Victor settled into Yuuri’s arms.  As Makkachin found herself warming their feet, their quiet breaths filled the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think in the comments. I have another chapter ready to post. Working on Lifeline next.


	22. I found love where it wasn't supposed to be (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confessions and kisses...or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates and Magrathea, for your awesome edits.
> 
> A little fluff for you all. Enjoy!

* * *

 

[ I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yj6V_a1-EUA)

 

Yuuri opened his eyes before the alarm went off, his fingers fluttering down to play with Victor’s hair.  The older man had his head resting on Yuuri’s chest, his upper leg had slid between Yuuri’s legs in their sleep.  He listened to Victor’s soft, even breathing.  Lifting his head, he leaned forward, brushing a kiss into Victor’s hair whirl.  The older man murmured softly into his chest in response.  Yuuri tightened his embrace.  Then the alarm sounded.

 

Victor groaned as he pushed himself up off of Yuuri.  His head ached from all of the tears and he felt puffy around his eyes.  Yuuri turned off the alarm and sat up beside him running his hand up and down his back as if to pass some of his strength on to the older man.  “Go take a shower, Vitya.  You’ll feel better after some of the steam sinks into you.”

 

Victor nodded and stumbled out of bed.  Yuuri watched him leave the room and began putting his room back together before gathering his clothes.  Entering the hall, he ran into Mari who cocked an eyebrow in his direction.  “It’s not what you think,” Yuuri began.

 

“I find that when people say that it is always what I think,” she pointed out as she removed the clothes from the laundry baskets.

 

Yuuri leaned against the hallway wall and sighed.  “You’ve always known I’ve had a crush on him…but this is different.”

 

“Go on,” she said, not looking at him but stilling her movements as she listened.

 

Yuuri stared at the ceiling.  “He’s not…perfect.  I always knew those photos were airbrushed but I didn’t realize how much I idealized him.  He’s human, though.  Imperfect.  And…he hurts.  I’m helping him pick up the pieces where he can move forward.”

 

“With you?” she asked.

 

A smile flickered across his lips.  “If he’ll have me.”

 

She rolled her eyes.  “You two are impossible.”  With that, she grabbed the pile of laundry and walked firmly downstairs.

 

Yuuri heard the water turn off.  A few minutes later, Victor came out into the hall.  “I think Mari saw me leave your room.”

 

“She did…we talked.  It’s okay.  It’s not like I’m a teenager.”

 

“I just…I don’t want to cause trouble.”

 

“My family knows I’m gay, Victor,” he stated, his eyes amused.  “I crushed on posters of you from the age of ten up.  The only girl I ever showed any interest in was Yuuko and that’s because she was my best friend, and I was comfortable around her.  But I never pursued her.  I realized that something was different.  Especially after…”  His voice faded out as he studied the floor.

 

“Especially after?” Victor prompted softly.

 

“I kissed Takeshi.  I didn’t know they had started dating.”

 

“That must’ve been awkward.”

 

“Very.  I couldn’t be around either of them for a while.  She forced us to talk but I still felt bad about it even after I left for the States.”

 

“Were you in love with Takeshi?”

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “At best, I was in like.  I…most people aren’t open about being gay.  Not here.”

 

“I see.  And I understand.  There were places in Russia where we could meet other men.  I didn’t like them, though.  It felt dirty.  Sex for the sake of sex.”  He watched Yuuri squirm uncomfortably with his confession.  “I didn’t like myself back then, Yuuri.  Not even a little.  I…did things I wasn’t proud of.  I’m clean, though…luckily.  So…I hope you won’t hold my past against me.”

 

“No,” Yuuri murmured.  “It’s just…I was always too afraid to do those things.  I…focused on skating.  So…I’m scared?”

 

“I won’t rush you, Yuuri.  We haven’t even kissed.  I just…I needed you to know I’ve taken risks but I’ve been tested.”

 

“I…haven’t…what if you’re disappointed in me?”

 

Victor realized that his fear was not what he thought.  Stepping forward, he slid his fingers into Yuuri’s hair and pulled him to his shoulder wrapping his arms around the younger man.  “Me?  Disappointed in you?” he chuckled softly.  “I was worried about you being disappointed in me…because of my bad decisions, because of my…of my…depression.”

 

Yuuri pulled back to look in his eyes.  “I think…you are allowed to be human, to have a past, to have things…challenge you.”

 

“And so are you,” Victor pointed out as his forehead dropped to Yuuri’s.  His hand slid from Yuuri’s hair to his chin, his thumb fluttering over Yuuri’s slightly parted lips.  He could feel the younger man’s breath.  “You hold yourself to an impossibly high standard that you would never hold anyone else to…my Yuuri.  You, too, are allowed to be human.”

 

Yuuri blinked, then blinked again, his blinks becoming rapid as he felt his own tears release, feeling those arms wrapping around him once again.  This “feelings business” became so sticky between them.  He…loved Victor.  And he felt that love returned in the other man’s embrace.  He clung to Victor as he pulled himself back under control.

 

“I should shower,” Yuuri murmured shyly.  Victor nodded as he released him.  Yuuri reluctantly turned towards the bathroom.

 

* * *

  
  
  


With so many emotions out in the open between them, Yuuri’s skate was at first stunted, uncertain.  He stumbled and fell more than once, his mind on all that transpired between them.  The next fall, he went down hard.  Victor called his name out in alarm and skated to his side, kneeling down.  Yuuri frowned in frustration and could see Victor’s lips thinning in concern.

 

“We should break,” Victor stated.

 

“No.  I can do this,” Yuuri argued.

 

Victor shook his head.  “I don’t want you injured.”

 

“I know my limits.”  Yuuri held Victor’s eyes, a stubborn set to his chin.  “Give me one more time,” he stated quietly.  “If I fall, I’ll come off the ice.”

 

Victor frowned in response.  “Fine.”  Giving him a hand up, he startled Yuuri by pulling him close, murmuring in his ear, “Your mind is a million miles away, caught up in things that are in the past.  I want to see you seduce me.  I know that you can.”  Releasing him, Victor backed off towards the barrier and started the music once more.

 

Yuuri met his eyes as the Spanish guitar tripped through its opening notes.  Playing off the words that Victor had left with him, he ghosted his hands seductively down his body before throwing a wink at the other man.  His next turn offered hip, demanded Victor’s eyes to watch him, drew attention to his…assets.  He danced across the ice, the flutter of the skirt flirting with the movement of his hip, the turn of his step sequences, his spins, and his jumps.  He still touched down…but as he drew up before Victor after his closing pose, breathless, he was pleased to see the blush across Victor’s cheeks.

 

“How did I do?” he rushed, grabbing air for his lungs.

 

Victor didn’t speak at first and Yuuri began to shift nervously.  He opened his mouth once, then another time before words found their way to the surface.  “I think…we’ve moved beyond the pork cutlet bowl.”

 

Yuuri’s mouth opened in surprise before laughing.  “I only said that because…well, I was afraid to tell you that  _ you  _ were my Eros.”  He could feel the color rising in his cheeks at the confession but it didn’t feel so off when Victor’s color answered in kind.  He felt a hand on his hipbone, a thumb moving back and forth.  Victor drew him near but as those lips would have touched his, Yuuri turned, ducking away shyly, feeling those lips on his cheek.  He heard a soft chuckle against his ear as those arms wrapped around him.

 

“Not yet, then,” Victor murmured.

 

* * *

  
  
  


They walked home in a comfortable silence, fingers threaded together.  As they drew near the beach, Victor gave a tug and Yuuri easily followed.  They sat in the sand watching the surf.  “I’ve been thinking about your free skate.  I think you should pick the music…something that speaks to you.”

 

“I…my coach has always picked for me.  I don’t trust my instincts.”  Yuuri watched the ebb and flow of the ocean uncertainly.

 

Victor studied the man next to him.  “You’ve never picked your music?”

 

Yuuri sighed.  “Well, once…but…my coach didn’t think it would win.”  Yuuri hesitated, reconsidering his words.  “Well, actually he asked if I thought I could win with it.”  He fell quiet for a moment.  “I wasn’t certain.”

 

“Do you still have it?”

 

Yuuri pulled out his phone and found it.  “A friend composed it…it was supposed to represent my career.”

 

Victor listened thoughtfully.  “It’s missing something…like it is incomplete.  There is something there but, you aren’t completely represented.  I agree.  You could not win with this…not like it is.”

 

Yuuri studied his phone thoughtfully.  “Per-perhaps I should have her try it again.  Do you think?”

 

Victor closed his hand over Yuuri’s.  “What do you think?”

 

“I think…there is more to me than my career.”  He glanced up to Victor for reassurance.

 

“Exactly…by focusing just on your career, you’ve left so much of yourself out of the piece,” Victor confirmed.  “Talk to your friend and see what she can come up with.”

 

“I will…thank you,” Yuuri answered.  He felt Victor’s arm slip around his hip and pull him close.   Drawing a shaky breath, he murmured quietly, “S-sorry about earlier.”

 

Victor rested his cheek against Yuuri’s hair.  “What do you mean?”

 

“About…not kissing you.”  He stared at the ground in front of him, his fingers pulling at the cuff of his shirt worrying the threads.

 

“When you are ready, you won’t turn away, my Yuuri.  I told you I wouldn’t push you.  Don’t be sorry,” Victor reassured him.  “Come to me when you are ready.  I’m willing to wait for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...have we noticed that something hasn't been dealt with?


	23. Unsteady (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor continues to fight his depression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These next few chapters have a few difficult parts to them. Just a warning.

* * *

 

[ Unsteady ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsVXnCGij5o)

 

Good days seemed to bring with them bad.  He had felt Yuuri’s arms around him the previous night, but Yuuri’s confusing signals kept him reeling.  He didn’t blame him, he couldn’t.  He wasn’t even upset.  He just didn’t know the rules of the game, he couldn’t read the signals.  Then, inevitably, the deadness returned, and he found himself struggling for breath all day, covering his responses with fake smiles.  Yuuri worked hard for him.  He couldn’t fault the skater.  It was all him.  They returned to the inn early with the intention of going to the studio for the afternoon.

 

Back home, Victor felt himself giving in to the dead weight of his legs.  He climbed the stairs wearily, saying he’d be back down after a short nap.  Yuuri watched him with concern but let him go.

 

Two hours had passed by and Victor spent them staring at the ceiling, watching the shadows elongate.  Makka huffed beside him, giving up on pulling him out of bed and resigning to lie next to him.  Footsteps in the hall alerted him that Yuuri noticed he was missing.  The brunette tapped on the door before hesitantly sliding it open.  “You didn’t come down after your nap,” Yuuri murmured with concern.

 

“I was fascinated by the shadows cast by the clouds drifting past the sun,” he responded emotionlessly as he continued to study the shadows.  He watched Yuuri raise an eyebrow as if to say  _ really? _  Victor knew he wouldn’t buy it.  He shoved his hands back through his hair and drew in a deep breath.  “What do you want me to say?”

 

The brunette sighed.  “The truth…you’ve been off all day, forcing your enthusiasm with tight smiles.”

 

Victor spread his arms out in surrender.  “I’m having a hard time holding it together.  I feel so unsteady.  It wasn’t supposed to be like this, Yuuri.  I thought…I hoped once the loneliness was dealt with the rest would fall into place.”

 

“I can be your safe place.  I can even ground you.  But…I can’t fix you, Vitya.  Even with a counseling background, even with a psychology degree, I’m too close.  And I know this is over my head.  I don’t want to fail you.”

 

Victor could hear the worry in Yuuri’s voice and he hated it.  He could feel himself wince inside.  Victor shifted his eyes and studied the brunette _.  I put too much on you.  This isn’t your mess.  I shouldn’t expect you to carry this.  I need to at least fix this much. _  “You won’t fail me, Yuuri.  I may fail myself, but you won’t fail me.”

 

“I think you need to make that appointment we talked about,” Yuuri pressed.

 

Victor pulled back his legs and crossed them into a butterfly as he sat up.  He frowned but held out his hand waving his fingers to motion Yuuri to him.  Yuuri crawled across the mattress and found a place next to him.  Victor drew a shaky breath resting a hand on the bend of Yuuri’s hip.  He opened his mouth but seemed to lose his words.  He instead crawled into Yuuri’s arms.

 

Yuuri’s arms flew out in surprise before wrapping around him.  “Oh, okay, Vitya.  I’ve got you.”  He held onto the older man, his brow furrowed thoughtfully, his cheek pressed into Victor’s hair.  They remained in silence for a few moments before Yuuri settled him back, lifting his chin to hold his eyes.  “We made a promise.  You said you’d take care of yourself.”  He pulled out his phone and found the number.  Dialing it, he exchanged a few words before handing it to Victor.  “Make the appointment.”

 

Victor took the phone and hesitantly greeted, “Hello?”

 

“Hello, this is Dr. Sasaki’s office,” the receptionist greeted in heavily accented English.  “How may we help you?”

 

“My name is Victor Nikiforov.  I…need to make an appointment.  I…am struggling with my depression...and...and I know that...it brings suicidal thoughts when it’s...when I’m like this.”

 

“Are you alone, sir?”

 

“No.  I’m with Katsuki Yuuri, he’s a close friend.  He is the one who made me call.”

 

“Is your life in danger?  If so, I can arrange for a bed in the hospital.”  The voice on the phone remained calm, but Victor would hear the strain in her voice as she became aware of a possible danger.

 

“N-no...I just need to talk to the doctor.” Victor tried to keep his voice impassive.  He knew that being too quick to explain could be a warning sign they were trained to detect.

 

There was a pause.  “Can you be here tomorrow?  I can get you in at eight in the morning.”

 

Victor muted the call.  “She said eight…can we get there by eight?”

 

Yuuri nodded, giving Victor’s hand a quick squeeze.  “We’ll grab the 6:30 train.”

 

Victor sighed but nodded in agreement.  Taking the call off mute, “I can make that appointment.”

 

“It’s important that you not be alone between now and then.”

 

“I have Yuuri.  He won’t leave me alone,” he spoke with quiet confidence as his free hand reached out for Yuuri’s.

 

“We will see you then.”

 

Victor glanced at the time on the phone before handing it to Yuuri.  “They were open late.”

 

“Several of the psychiatrists network their incoming calls to a common receptionist in the evening hours.  Sasaki-sensei is on call for emergencies tonight.  Are you at risk tonight?”  Yuuri studied him, assessing him for any signs.

 

Victor paused and took stock.  “No…I’ll be okay.  I have you near…and I put away anything I would use to harm myself after that night at the cliff.”

 

Yuuri pulled him close.  “I know this is hard, Vitya.  But trust me.”

 

Victor leaned into Yuuri before nodding.  “I do trust you, Yuuri.  I’m just…scared.  I’m scared of myself and I’m scared of the treatment, of losing myself.”  He sighed before continuing, “But I guess if I’m at this place, I’ve already lost myself.  How…do I stop hurting myself?”

 

“You took the first step with that call,” Yuuri murmured, his hand sliding up and down Victor’s back in calm reassurance.

 

“I couldn’t do it on my own,” Victor confessed, an edge of self-criticism in his voice.

 

Yuuri tilted his chin and held his blue eyes.  “There is no rule that says you have to do it on your own.  I couldn’t.  My sister, my mother, my father, even my dance teacher Minako…they all stepped in.  It was my mother that made the call for me.  They went with me for that first appointment.  They settled me into the hospital for the first evaluation.  You don’t have to do this alone.  But you have to choose to do this.”

 

“The first time…I had Chris and Yakov.  They walked me in.  I don’t want to stay in a hospital, Yuuri.”

 

“They are first going to assess whether or not you are still a danger to yourself,” Yuuri stated honestly.  “Then they will determine what the best course of action will be.  I had to stay in the hospital because I fucked myself up with the meds I took.  Those had to be slowly worked out of my system.  Then they worked on stabilizing me with the new meds.  Is a hospital stay a deal breaker for you, Vitya?”

 

Victor frowned, tightening his lips over his teeth.  He was afraid but if he didn’t do everything necessary, he’d lose Yuuri.  He…needed Yuuri.  “No.  I just...I’m afraid.  Maybe it will be different.  Russian mental hospitals, even the nice ones...they are cold.  They make me think of a prison.”

 

Yuuri squeezed his hand.  “I know this is hard, Vitya.  Come down and let’s get you something to eat.  My mother is worried about you.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


 

The next morning, they were on the train early and Yuuri held Victor’s hand as they walked up the stairs to the clinic.  Yuuri stayed by his side while he filled out paperwork.  Victor held onto the brunette as he walked into Sasaki’s office.  Yuuri didn’t let go of Victor until he had to, until Victor was seated in a room to be evaluated.

 

He talked with the psychiatrist for a good hour, confessing the ebbs and flows of his depression, how Yuuri found him, and what was happening.  Sasaki held his hand as she told him that she felt the best place for him would be a hospital but that she would see to his care personally.  Victor was noticeably upset with this news, but remained calm.  Sasaki, used to the disappointment expressed by many in his situation, kept a calm demeanor, explaining the necessity of this move, and stressing that this was merely a temporary change.  He would not be separated or isolated from those he loved, as many feared.  She picked up the phone and made the call, and then led him out to talk with Yuuri.

 

Victor stared at the floor as he was transported to the hospital.  It was a three day, mandatory, observation.  Suicide watch.  Talk therapy.  Consideration for antidepressants.  He was afraid and his eyes must have said it all.

 

They checked Victor in and he was led to a room.  Yuuri joined him as soon as he finished speaking with the intake clerk.  Victor looked surprised as Yuuri pressed a tissue box in his hand.  It came with a plush cover, the shape reminded him of Makkachin.

 

“They have strict rules about what you can have here but they said this was okay.  It…was mine,” Yuuri stated.  “I kept it with me...when I went in.”

 

“You knew I’d have to stay,” Victor surmised.

 

Yuuri nodded, studying his feet afraid how Victor would react.  “I suspected.  But I knew the hardest part would be walking through the door.  Are you…angry?”  He looked up, his eyes glittering with unshed tears.

 

Victor considered the words before shaking his head.  “N-no.  I just…what about your training?”

 

Yuuri sighed.  “You need to worry about you right now.  I will continue to build the muscle memory for the program.  And I will contact Ketty about the music.  I have Minako, Yuuko, and Takeshi to keep me on track.”

 

“You’ll come see me,” Victor asked, worry threading his voice as he faced the uncertainty of the stay.

 

Yuuri slid an arm around his shoulder as he settled down beside him, one hip on the mattress and the other leg holding him in place.  “The moment they allow it.  But you can call me…in the evenings.  Okay?”

 

Victor nodded, pulling his knees up to his chest.  “I’m already so used to you being near.”

 

“I know…so am I,” Yuuri whispered.  “But I will give up these few days if it means you can be with me longer.  Let me be selfish about this.”

 

Victor felt a weak smile surface.  “You?  Selfish?  Never.”

 

Reaching out with his other hand, Yuuri slid the fingers along his chin, turning him to face the younger man.  He blinked, looking for courage then finding determination, he confessed, “I…I love you, Vitya.  I know...I’ve been holding back.  I didn’t want to complicate things because I knew you were struggling.”

 

Victor’s breath caught and he felt the tears break free.  He reached out for Yuuri.  Yuuri held onto him with both arms until he steadied himself once more.  “I…love you…Yuuri.  I’ve been afraid to say it.”

 

“It’s hard for me, as well.  But I needed to say it, and I think you needed to hear it.  I’m not going anywhere,” he murmured.  Reaching out, he placed a hand over the other man’s heart.  “Right here.  My thoughts will be on you the entire time.”

 

Motion caught Victor’s eye and he lifted his eyes to the orderly.  “He has to go now, doesn’t he?”

The orderly nodded.

 

Victor reached out and hugged Yuuri close once more.  “I’ll work hard to get out, Yuuri.  I’m still scared but knowing you’re waiting on the other side…that helps.”

 

Yuuri smoothed his hair.  “You just do what you need to get better.  I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“And if they keep me a month?”  Fear crept into his voice and he winced.

 

Yuuri slid a finger along his jaw and held his eyes earnestly.  “I will still be waiting.  Don’t rush them and be truthful.  They can’t help you without your trust in them.”

 

Victor nodded.  He hesitantly released Yuuri but held fast to Yuuri’s hand.  “This is hard.”

 

“That’s what makes it worth it.  You have to work for the most important things in life,” Yuuri’s voice held quiet assurance.

 

He knew Yuuri was hiding his own anxiety but he clung to the promise of that assurance.  And Victor knew about working hard for what was important.  If skating taught him nothing else, it taught him that.  Victor drew a deep breath then let it out, he slowly let go of Yuuri’s hand.  “I can do this.  Look out for Makkachin for me.  And call Yakov and Chris.  They worry.”

 

“Yes, you can.  And of course I will.”

 

The orderly cleared his throat.

 

“I have to go now, Vitya,” Yuuri cried out softly, his voice sad as he slowly stepped away.  “I’ll be back as soon as they let me.”

 

As Yuuri walked out of the room, Victor pulled the tissue box to his chest.  Perhaps it was a silly object to use to ground himself to but…he needed something.  Closing his eyes, he bit back the tears as he curled up on his side.  He would get better and return to Yuuri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates and Magrathea, for your edits. 
> 
> Readers, what are you thinking?


	24. Back from the Edge (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri feels guilty and a little lost without Victor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: There is a mild mention of a non-con element. Some would define this as "dubious consent". And perhaps it is...it isn't clear in context. Yuuri can't even say for sure. It is another missing night.
> 
> Thank you for proofing this, Magrathea and BluSkates.

* * *

 

[ Back From the Edge ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9vKw1_g-9s)

  
  


Yuuri arrived back at Hasetsu and looked up with surprise to see his sister standing there with Makkachin.  He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment before going to her side.  “How are you?” she asked.

 

“I had to leave him there.  He’s…on suicide watch.”  His voice cracked and he closed his eyes to resist the tears.  He could feel his sister’s hand running up and down his back reassuringly.

 

“It was the right thing, Yuuchan.  You know that.”  Mari said in a steady voice.  With firm pressure on her hand, she guided him toward the parking lot and the van from their inn that Mari had driven.

 

Yuuri reached for Makkachin’s lead, taking it from her.  He paused and then knelt down beside the dog to run his fingers through her curls.  “Knowing that this was best for his safety and health doesn’t make this any easier.  Why are you here?”

 

She shrugged.  “Because I knew you would take this hard.”  He felt her fingers scratch through his hair and found himself leaning against her hip.

 

Yuuri smiled weakly.  “You read me too easily.”

 

“Like when you fell in love with him the moment he arrived?” she teased.

 

He chuckled even as his cheeks started to pink up.  “Maybe…I’d like to think some thought went into it.  I was…in like.”

 

“And now?” her words were quiet.

 

Yuuri’s expression softened.  “I’m definitely in love…and it hurts.  I feel like I abandoned him.”  He wrapped his arms around Makkachin and held her for a few moments.

 

Mari let him be still and silent until he pulled back from the dog.  She scruffed his hair before pulling him up into a rough hug.  “He knows you haven’t abandon him, idiot.  How many times have you been in his shoes?”

 

Yuuri closed his eyes and thought about it.  “Three.  Once here and twice in Detroit.”

 

“You know, you never talked about what happened in Detroit.”  She unlocked the van and watched Yuuri load up Makkachin before taking the front passenger seat.

 

He shrugged when he met her eyes.  “I talk about it…with my therapists.  Phichit knows some of it, too.  It’s just…personal.”

 

“I know the first time you were hospitalized was due to pressure.  What about the other time?  We just received a call that you were taken to the hospital and another when you came home.” she prodded gently.

 

“I-I don’t talk about it.”  Yuuri breathed out, lost in the nightmare of that night.  It wasn’t meds that time.  He lost himself in the shower, completely out of it.  The water streamed over his body until it faded to cold.  Phichit came home and found Yuuri curled up frozen against the back of the shower.  Yuuri didn’t talk.  He couldn’t.  He then heard Phichit talking urgently on the phone.  After, there was the sound of sirens.  He lay in the hospital bed blankly staring at the wall.  Phichit tried to get him to talk.  Ciao Ciao tried to get him to talk.  The attending physician, the nurses, the psychiatrist all worked to get him to talk.  He never talked about it.  They released him after they had determined he was no longer a threat to himself.

 

He pushed back the memory.  They had arrived at the inn and his mother came out to greet him.  He went into her arms and felt a sob release.  “Come here, my son.  What a difficult day you faced!”  She led him inside.  Behind him his sister studied him with a worried expression.

 

* * *

  
  
  


The first call was the hardest.  He dialed Yakov’s number with a tremulous finger.  Several rings went by before the coach picked up.  “ _ Da _ ?”  The old man’s voice was harsh, rough edges like the man himself.  Victor had warned Yuuri about this.

 

“Mr. Feltsman?” he asked uncertainly.  He took a deep breath.  He had to do this.  “This is Yuuri Katsuki.  I’m calling about Victor.”

 

There was a hesitation, the battered voice picked up a withered tone.  “Is Vitya okay?”

 

Yuuri shook his head.  Of course, the coach wouldn’t see it.  He pushed words out.  “I…I took him to see my psychiatrist.  He’s been…admitted in the hospital.”

 

There was silence on the other end.  Finally the coach stated, “You got him to get help.”

 

“Y-yes, sir,” Yuuri answered nervously.

 

He hard a sigh through the connection.  Finally, the coach responded.  “Good.  Then you’ve done more than the rest of us could manage.”

 

“I…don’t know how long he will be there,” Yuuri murmured.

 

“Hopefully long enough to get the help he needs,” Yakov gruffed.

 

Yuuri thinned his lips.  “I hope so, too.  I will encourage him to stay as long as needed.”

 

The old coach sighed and muttered something in Russian.  “He is coaching you,  _ da _ ?” he finally stated.

 

“Yes, sir,” Yuuri answered startled.

 

“Well, send me your video while he’s in the hospital.  At least I can help him that way.  I know Vitya.  He’s sitting in there worried about how your program is going to suffer because he is there.  His mind is always on the ice.”

 

Yuuri recovered his voice after a moment of surprise.  “I will, sir.  He will try to call you later this week but he didn’t want you to worry.”

 

There was silence once more before the coach answered quietly, “I always worry about Vitya.  Ever since he came to live with me.  Even more so since he left.  Thank you for calling and letting me know.”

 

“Y-you’re welcome, sir,” Yuuri responded.  The call went dead, ended abruptly by Yakov.  Yuuri worked up the nerve to make the second call.  He had Chris’s number already although he had never called it.  He shared text messages back and forth from time to time, though.  Sometimes chatting between himself, Phichit and Chris.  He pushed the call button.

 

“ _ Salut _ , Yuuri.  I never hear from you!”  Chris’s voice was cheery as he greeted him.

 

Yuuri gathered his courage.  This was Victor’s best friend.  They were lovers at one time.  He was one of the most important people to Victor, part of his family.  “Hello, Chris.  I…Victor wanted me to call you.”

 

His voice shifted, concern clearly edging the normally upbeat manner.  “Is he okay?”

 

“H-he is in the hospital,” Yuuri bit out.  He drew a ragged breath.  He wasn’t used to being responsible for someone else.

 

“He tried to hurt himself,” Chris stated flatly and Yuuri could almost imagine the Swiss man tightening his jaw and closing his eyes.

 

Yuuri’s breath became sharp as he swallowed down the sob.  Finally, he started tumbling out his words, knowing Victor would be fine with anything he told this man.  “I don’t know if he would have…but it scared me, Chris.  He was standing so close to the edge of the cliff and it took so much to call him back from it.  When I got him away from it, I made him promise to get help.”

 

“He’s always the worst after a win,” Chris stated quietly.  “It’s become habit to watch over him when it happens.”

 

“The psychiatrist committed him for observation and evaluation.  It’s a mandatory three days.”

 

Chris took a deep breath before answering.  “It will be a month at least if they want to get him in order.  At least the psychiatric services are better in Japan than Russia.”

 

Yuuri nodded, his own thoughts scattering.  “Yakov’s going to watch my video so Victor doesn’t have to worry.”

 

Chris chuckled softly.  “It’ll help but he’ll still worry.  He’s very dedicated to his decisions.”

 

Yuuri chewed his lower lip uncertain whether or not he should delve into this next area.  Taking a deep breath, he jumped in.  “Chris…when you dated him, was it up and down?”

 

“Always…we had periods of quiet that would lull me into a false sense of security but there were always up and down.   I remember fighting with him when I learned he had stopped taking his meds.  That was the worst fight.  Breaking up…that was almost easy.  Just letting go.  He needs an exclusive relationship, someone that understands what he is going through.  I just knew he needed help but it was hard to get him to get help.  He needs someone who he cares about enough to do the work.”

 

“I saw the tattoo not long after he arrived and began watching for signs,” Yuuri confessed quietly.  “He hides them well but there are cracks in his armor.”

 

“I’m glad you were paying attention.  Yuuri, he cares a great deal for you.”

 

“I know.  I still don’t know why me…but I know he cares.”

 

“We don’t always know what pulls us to another.  But I watched the two of you dance that night and it was as if something pulled you together…like sharing each other’s gravity.  And he was having a hard time that night.  By focusing on your needs, I think he was able to find a foothold out of his own struggles.”

 

“I’m messed up, too.  This could explode on us.  What if I’m not enough?” he asked uncertainly.

 

Chris hesitated before answering.  “If you…if you love him, you will be enough.  He will meet you where you’re at.  Just do the same for him.”

 

“Thank you, Chris,” Yuuri whispered.

 

“Thank you, Yuuri, for watching over my friend.  He’s very important to me.”

 

“I know,” Yuuri murmured.

 

“Take care of my friend, Yuuri.   _ Allez _ .”

 

“I will.  Bye, Chris.”

 

He stared at the wall absorbing Chris’s words.  _  I love him.  I need to meet him where he’s at.  What can I do to make him worry less?   _ He closed his eyes thinking about their last conversations.   _ The free skate program.  Ketty. _

 

**Yuuri/ Do you have Ketty’s contact information?**

 

**Phichit/ Yes.  Don’t you?**

 

**Yuuri/ I deleted it when I didn’t go with her music.**

 

Yuuri soon got a text with the forwarded contact information.

 

**Phichit/ What are you going to do with it?**

 

**Yuuri/ Ask her if she will rework the piece.**

 

**Yuuri/ She may say no.**

 

**Phichit/ She may say yes.**

 

Yuuri’s finger hovered over the call.  Glancing up at the phone, he calculated the time difference.  It was mid-afternoon there.  Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes tight and touched the call button.

 

A surprised cheerful greeting answered.  “Hello?  Is that you, Yuuri?”

 

“H-hi, Ketty.  It’s been a while.”  Yuuri couldn’t hide the guilt and uncertainty in his voice but with the next line, Ketty seemed to ignore it.

 

“I’ll say.  Aren’t you in Japan?”

 

“Yes, I am.  I’ve been working with a new coach.”  He felt himself relaxing at her words.  She made it easy for him.

 

“How’s that going for you?”

 

“It’s been interesting.  Different.”

 

“Well, that’s cryptic,” she responded, amusement filtering through the call.  “What can I do for you, Yuuri?”

 

“I wanted to call about that piece you composed for me.  I-I’m sorry I didn’t go with it.”

 

“Don’t worry about it.  It always felt incomplete.”

 

“Th-that’s what Victor…my coach said.”

 

“Did you say Victor?” she asked, her voice lilting with excitement.  “Are you being coached by that celebrity skater you crushed on?”

 

“Maybe?”

 

“Oh, jeesh…what’s that like?”

 

“It’s been interesting…Ketty, I-I really like him.  He’s going through some struggles himself.  I want to…could you rework the music for me?”

 

“Sure.  What do you have in mind?”

 

“I want it to go beyond just my career.  I…I want it to focus on...on love.”

 

“Oh, okay,” she responded with surprise.  “Tell me your story.”

 

“For the longest time I felt alone, like I was fighting alone.  I failed to see all of the people around me, supporting me, as I fought to be…worthy of their love.  And then…I failed.  I hit hard and it felt like I couldn’t pull myself up.  But in that failure, someone saw me, reached out to me, cared for me, and helped me to find my feet again.  He is…wound up in my life and I don’t want to let him down…I don’t want to let him go.”

 

She was quiet at first and he wondered if she was sitting there with her eyes closed tapping out the time with her pen against the table like three years ago when they talked about the original piece.  “I think I have some ideas,” she said finally.  “For that depth, I need to move beyond the piano.  Victor Nikiforov.  Right?”

 

“Yes.  Why?”

 

“You told me he would have his programs composed for his choreography.  Therefore, I should be able to listen to the music he skated to in order to gain an idea of how he has influenced your life.  I think…there should be an underlying theme of Victor because he was always a part of your skate life.  He inspired you to chase after him.  Yes, I’ve got an idea.  I’ll get it to you as soon as possible.”

 

“Thank you, Ketty.  I don’t know how…”

 

She cut him off.  “Don’t worry about it.  I’ve wanted the chance to redo this.  I’ll be in touch.”

 

Yuuri disconnected the call and lay back wondering how Victor was handling the night in the hospital.  “Vitya, I fought for you.  Now it’s your turn…to fight for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a strong proponent to always go with friends when you drink and you take care of each other. And if you have a friend who gets drunk to the point where they don't remember, they should not be making decisions such as going home with another. So look out for one another and make sure if you arrive together, you leave together.


	25. Fighting (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor starts to open up to the counselor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we dig more into Victor's backstory here. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of suicide and self-harm.

* * *

 

[ Fighting ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzOKf4ndQOE)

 

 

Victor’s eyes opened with a start.  He sat up and looked around the room, disoriented.  The cinderblock walls were painted white, green industrial tile lined the floor, sealed windows, institutional bedding…and slowly reality filtered in.  He frowned and sucked back the sob.  He wanted his Yuuri.  He wanted his Makkachin.  He wanted his designer pajamas.  He moved to the bathroom and splashed water on his face.

 

It was then that he noticed a gym bag.  It was tagged with his name and he realized the bag had gone through an inspection.   _ Me, too.   _ He blinked away the tears, a smile finding its place as he realized that Yuuri had gone home, packed him a bag of the things that would make him comfortable and brought it back.  He unzipped it and realized Yuuri could read his thoughts.  He pulled out his pajamas and smiled happily.   _ One out of three, I’ll take it. _  Several pairs of sweats, t-shirts, socks, underwear, a pair of slippers, and his slip on sneakers were also packed up for him.  Inside one of the sneakers was tucked a note explaining he wasn’t allowed shoestrings.  He also found a personal care bag holding the products he indulged himself with, the expensive brands felt like home.  In a pocket, he found a note:

 

_ Vitya~ _

 

_ I can’t come visit you until Saturday but I knew you’d miss some familiar comforts.  I hope I’ve found everything you’ll need.  I’m sorry I couldn’t come to see you but know that I’m thinking about you and look forward to your calls. _

 

_ Love, _

_ Yuuri _

 

Victor smiled, kissing the note and setting it on his dresser.  He then unpacked and organized his clothes into the drawers.   _ I’ll do my best, Yuuri, so I can come back to you sooner. _  Gathering a suit of clothes, he showered and dressed, depositing the dirty ones into the laundry bag.  He wondered to himself about how that worked as he stepped out into the hall.

 

Activity bustled and he realized that in his previous day’s daze, he failed to take in his surroundings.  His room opened into a hall that led to a large communal area that held several tables, bookshelves filled with various activities and books, a couple of seating areas, and a television off in one corner.   One end opened to the nurses’ station.  Another hall led into the opposite direction as the one he stayed on and a third was opposite the nurses’ station but had a different appearance.

 

One of the nurses noticed his entrance and approached him.  “Nikiforov-san, you are up early.  Breakfast will be served in half an hour.  But if you like, I can orient you now.”

 

“Please.  I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing,” Victor responded rubbing his hands nervously.

 

The nurse smiled pleasantly, his face held a calm, but light countenance.  “This facility is modeled after western facilities.  The physicians and psychiatrists have been working hard to change some of the treatment for mental health in Japan.  It’s a slow process to change ideas and lift stigma but this facility chooses to treat our residents with dignity.  This ward is specific to those who are dealing with depression and anxiety.  It is a secure ward and patients can only leave when escorted by a doctor or nurse.  Your meals, sessions, and many of your therapies will take place in this section.  The east and west wings are residents’ rooms.  The south wing is where you will find therapeutic services.”

 

“I don’t suppose there is a gym,” Victor voiced hopefully.

 

He smiled and motioned for Victor to follow him.  “Let me show you.”  They proceeded south down another corridor.  “This central space is where you will socialize and take your meals.   The other residents will start to emerge soon.  However, if you are an early riser, you can get a jump on other services.”  Opening the first door on the right, Victor noticed laundry facilities were available.  “You will need to launder your own clothes but there are three sets available.  The soap is fed directly to the machines.”  Across the hall, he opened another door.  “This is the gym equipment we have available on this floor.  It’s not extensive but it will allow some independent physical activity.  You will also have outdoor time included in your therapy.”  

 

Victor ran his fingers along the handles to one of the treadmill.  An elliptical stood next to it.  No weights but there was space for stretches.  He was spoiled, used to the best possible equipment but he knew how to adapt to what they could offer here.  There were times that hotels had fewer amenities.  He would treat this in the same manner. 

 

Returning to the hall, he motioned the next few doors.  “These are quiet rooms for meditation and prayer.  We support various beliefs and philosophies at this facility.”  The hall ballooned open into a large seating area.  “This room is for large group.  It meets after breakfast and after lunch for a quick intake.  Down the hall, you will find the various therapy centers.  Do not worry about being lost.  We will make sure you are in the right place at the right time.”  An electronic bell chimed.  “And that’s the signal that breakfast is served.  Come, let us start our day.”

 

Victor reentered the common space.  Four men and three women had converged on the space and only one other was of European descent.  He shifted uncomfortably.  Two of the residents spoke only broken English.  The one other European, of course, spoke only Finnish.   _ Fun…at least one of the nurses spoke a common language. _

 

After breakfast they were ushered into group.  He watched with wide eyes as each person spoke about their goals for the day although he only caught a word here or there.  When the therapist turned to him, he swallowed uncertainly.  “I-I want to be happy?”

 

The therapist gave him a tolerant smile.  “That is not a goal,” she explained.  “Goals are measurable.  However, in your first session, you will discuss goals.  Maybe when we meet again, you will have started making your first goals.”  She smiled once more and nodded.

_ Okay, being happy is not a goal.  Goals.  Measurable.  Like winning gold at the Worlds.  I know this.  Goals.  To be happy with Yuuri.  But…that’s not measurable. _  He walked out of group mulling over his goals.  It was then that he met Sasaki-sensei.  The relief must have registered on his face.

 

“The first few days are difficult,” she reassured him.

 

“I…I just want to go home.  What do I need to do?  What’s the quickest path?”

 

“So your first goal is to go home,” she clarified calmly.

 

Victor blinked.  “That can be a goal?”

 

“Of course.  But it can’t be your only goal.  Let’s talk about where you want to be when you leave.”

 

Victor leaned back in the chair and stared up at the ceiling.  “I want to be with Yuuri.”  He could hear the frustration in his voice.  He looked over to where Sasaki-sensei was sitting.  Was the corner of her mouth quirking into a smile?

 

“Sorry,” she apologized.  “It’s just that…okay, let’s look at what steps we need to take to get you home.”  She pulled out a paper.  “The first step is to make sure you are not a danger to yourself.  You self-reported a suicide attempt.”

 

Victor took a deep breath and nodded.  “I…I don’t want to die.  I…never wanted to die.  I just want…I need to feel something.  That’s why I cut myself.  The numbness, it becomes overwhelming.  Then I feel like I am drowning.  And I just want it to stop.”

 

“When did you first start feeling this way?”

 

“I think…I was seventeen?  I…realized that my parents didn’t want me.  They didn’t contact me on my birthday.  Then…I thought back and realized that I hadn’t heard from them in over a year.  My father…he didn’t want a gay son.”

 

“Are you comfortable in your sexuality?”

 

“Are you asking me if I accept being gay?  Yeah, yes…of course.  It’s who I am.  I’m Victor Nikiforov and I’m gay as fuck.” Victor saw that his attempt at levity, while not offending the doctor, failed to amuse as well.  He toned it down.  “It came as no surprise, really, when I came out.”

 

“Before your family ceased contact, did you experience bouts of depression?” she probed, keeping her voice even.

 

He frowned, digging back in his memory.  “I don’t know…maybe.  I didn’t really think about it.  I went to school, I skated.  Then I started taking my lessons at home so that I could work it around my skating. I was too busy to notice anything else.”

 

She shifted the focus.  “Tell me about your mother.”

 

“Sh-she would comb my hair and make me beautiful, show me off to her friends.  Then, when she was done, when she got the attention she was after, she would send me away.  She…she never held me, never hugged me.”

 

“Who held you as a child?”

 

Victor was still.  He opened his mouth several times but then…he stopped.  He didn’t have an answer.  Finally, he said, “Yakov saw me skating.  I remember that day.  I was…seven, I think?  I was there on a school trip.  He asked my teacher about me, and contacted my parents.  My father scoffed.  My mother…she combed my hair.  Figure skating was not…for men.  But then Yakov told them that my training would be supplemented by the government, that I had talent.”  He fell silent as the memory came into place, blinking his blue eyes rapidly.  “I thought…maybe if I could be good, they would want me.”

 

“Did you have any siblings?”

 

“I have an older brother.  His name is…Vladimir.  Papa called him Vovchik.  He…didn’t like me.  My brother called me  _ devka _ – girl.  He pulled my hair, pushed, shoved, hit.  My father…he said it would make me strong.  He never intervened.”

 

“Tell me about Yakov.”

 

“Yakov.  He’s my coach.  He came to my parents’ home every month for a year until they relented.  I was put into ballet lessons and figure skating lessons.   Of course, this gave Vladimir more ammunition to use against me.  My mother?  It meant I wasn’t underfoot.  When I was home, she’d fix my hair, parade me out, tell her friends I’m going to be famous, then put me away.  I was like…a doll.  My father didn’t look at me.

 

“But Yakov, he taught me real strength, the strength that comes from discipline, self-control.  I learned how to become an artist, to express myself, to create myself.”  Victor pulled one knee to his chest and rested his cheek against it.

 

“When you say created yourself, what do you mean?”

 

“I learned how to make myself over.  I thought if I could become what they wanted, they would accept me, love me.  It didn’t work, though.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“When I became a teenager, I moved in with Yakov and his wife to train full time for the Junior Division.   My parents…weaned themselves away from me.  Then one day, I looked around and they were gone.  I thought I’d feel alone…or rather, more alone, but I didn’t.  Then I won the Junior Grand Prix.  The reaction of the crowd filled a void in me.  I…was accepted.  It felt warm, invited me in.  Until…it was gone and I was left with nothing.

 

“I knew I needed that feeling.  So I kept winning.   That was the only option.  I pushed myself, stretched myself.  But the nothing came faster each time.  That’s when the numbness started growing in me.  It was excruciating.  The emptiness was like this gaping hole inside me.  And I was nineteen.  I needed to feel something.  So I cut myself.  Just small little cuts.”

 

“Tell me about cutting.”

 

“The first time, it was on my wrist.  When I realized what I had done, I knew I had to hide it.  So I wore a wristband.  The next time, I put it on my hip.”  Victor felt his lips twitch into a smile.  “But I could feel.  I wasn’t numb.  It was pain, but it was exquisite pain.”

 

“What caused you to tip over the edge?”

 

Victor frowned.  “It was several years later.  I think I was twenty-three, almost twenty-four.  That’s when the feeling of winning no longer filled the void.  It all became meaningless.  I started cutting to feel, but it wasn’t enough.  I kept cutting deeper.  My friend Chris found me bloodied with a razor.  I tried to tell him I didn’t want to kill myself, I just needed to feel something.  He stopped me before I cut too deep.  I ended up in a hospital.  A whole month away from training.”  He leaned back in the chair shifting uncomfortably, listening to the creak of the legs against the tile floors.

 

Sasaki studied a file for a moment.  “During your stay, you were placed on antidepressant therapy.  Why did you stop?”

 

“I...”  He stopped, took a deep breath.  “It was a different form of drowning.  Slow.  Like I was sinking into quicksand.  It…was killing me.  I never wished to die.”

 

“Why Yuuri?”

 

Victor smiled.  “He made me feel again.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“He…looked at me and something inside me woke up.  I thought…that was all that I needed.  If I could just get to where he was, I’d be okay.  But…the numbness returned.”

 

“What do you want?”

 

“To feel again…on my own.  And to return to my Yuuri whole.  To know that what I feel is real.  To surrender to his touch.  To feel him in my arms.  And to know I won’t leave him alone.  I want to keep my promises I made that day when he pulled me from the cliff.  I don’t want to disappear.”

 

Sasaki smiled.  “You are already moving to the next phase of treatment.”

 

“Can I be well?”

 

“It is a slow process but if you are courageous, you will stabilize then improve.”

 

“What’s the process?”

 

“We will develop a treatment.  First we stabilize you with medication.”

 

The small smile that formed on Victor’s face, froze and fell away.   _ Medication _ .  “Will I always have to take medication?”

 

“It’s possible, but not certain.  If we can find the root cause, then through therapy, we may be able to move past it.  However, with depression, sometimes it is a lifelong commitment.”

 

Victor’s thoughts moved inward.  “Yuuri takes medication.  He says sometimes it has to be adjusted.  It helps him to focus, to feel less.  Will your medicine help me to feel more?”

 

“It’s like turning up a dial.  We’ll be adjusting it, fine tuning it, until you are where you need to be.”

 

“What comes after that?”

 

“We work on the underlying cause.”

 

Victor pursed his lips then nodded.  “Then let’s get started.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for taking care of me, BluSkates and Magrathea. And thanks to all who are reading this story. Your comments and kudos encourage me to keep going. I'm striving for two posts a week for each story with drabbles and shorts on Sunday.
> 
> Please check out BluSkates and Mgarathea's stories as well and show your support through kudos and comments. Our compensation is when we hear from you. Thank you!


	26. Incomplete (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri’s first visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, new posting schedule because school is starting back and I need to put my craziness in order. I'm trying to work ahead so that I won't have any breaks in posting but we shall see how that works. So here's the plan:
> 
> Glitters will post on Monday and Thursday  
> Lifeline will post on Tuesday and Friday  
> Semicolon will post on Wednesday and Saturday  
> Drabbles which will include Sasha and BFT will post on Sunday

* * *

 

[ Incomplete ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=444IEF3_KSQ)

 

Yuuri shifted nervously on the train, the sack next to him contained the items Victor had requested during their last phone call.  On the phone Victor pushed the idea of hope, making his voice sound happy.  Yuuri knew better.  He knew he wasn’t getting a genuine version of the Russian figure skater.  Victor, Yuuri knew, could put on a show.  He hoped he was being honest with the therapist.

 

The train pulled into the Fukuoka station.  Yuuri unfolded himself from his seat and joined the flow exiting the train.  He would take the subway to the closest stop then walk the rest of the way.  It was a pleasant day out, this walk would be easier than the last.  He remembered when he had brought Victor’s clothes.  He was so upset that Minako had volunteered to come with him, to keep an eye on him.  The entire time he talked about how he had abandoned Victor, how Victor would see him as just another person who walked away from him.

 

After several phone calls over the course of the week, he felt a little more confident in this decision.  Victor was talking with Sasaki.  He also had a nurse that spoke English quite well.  He talked about the other residents only in their ability to speak to him or not.  They were all polite but mostly quiet.  Most importantly, Victor talked about his goals, one of which was to go home, to be with him.  Yuuri didn’t know what to think about being one of his sigils for getting better.  But Victor was very determined and that was good.

 

Entering the hospital, he checked in at the main nurses’ station verifying that he knew where to go.  “Seventh floor…I helped check him in.”  Saturdays were loose and easy.  Eight hours of uninterrupted visitation.  He remembered the phone call last night.  Victor had been upset.  It was strongly recommended that he stay there for at least the duration of the month.  He stepped off the elevator and walked towards the nurses’ station on the anxiety and depression floor.  They took his bag and inspected its contents.  Yuuri was grilled on the list of contraband to make sure he wasn’t bringing anything in.  Finally, he was returned the bag and walked through the break that separated him from Victor.

 

* * *

  
  


Victor was sitting on a sofa, nervously smoothing out the fabric of his pants.  It was the pair he had been wearing when Yuuri checked him in.  His only nice pair.  Yuuri smiled, realizing  that Victor wanted to look nice for him.  Victor looked up and his expression lit up.  “Yuuri!” he greeted as he found his feet and walked directly to him, taking his hands into his own.  “I’ve missed you.”

 

Yuuri dropped his head shyly.  “I-I’ve missed you, too.”

 

“How long can you stay?”  His blue eyes searched the younger man’s, unreserved, open.

 

Yuuri shrugged self-consciously.  “The entire day…they said visiting hours are for eight hours.  I called ahead.  I am allowed to walk with you in the gardens?”  He could see the excitement at the prospect dancing in Victor’s eyes.  He continued, “And they have a cafeteria we can eat at.”  He had called ahead to see what was allowed.  He wanted to make the most of their visit.

 

Victor nodded.  “I only get off this floor with a nurse.  Well, an escort.  It will be nice to leave for a few hours.  If I continue to improve, maybe I can get privileges to leave the hospital next Saturday.”

 

“I want you to get better,” Yuuri murmured.  “Oh, I brought you the clothes you requested.”

 

“Thank you.  I’ve been involved in dance therapy because I talked about how I use figure skating as an outlet.  And well, the shoes aren’t the best for dancing.”

 

Yuuri smiled.  “They don’t allow for the slide.”

 

“Exactly!  Did you bring the extra tee-shirts and pajamas?”

 

“Yes.  I don’t know why I just brought two sets.”

 

“Well, the first medication they put me on causes me to sweat at night.  I’m being adjusted on Monday, I think?”

 

“When I was in the hospital, the two most important parts of my treatment were getting my medication right and learning to talk openly with my therapist.”  He followed Victor back to his room.  As he reached to close the door, Victor shook his head.

 

“We have to keep the door open during visitation,” he explained.

 

Yuuri blushed.  “It was an unconscious action.”

 

“I know…I-I want to be alone with you, too,” Victor responded shyly, his own cheeks pinking with the admission.  Yuuri watched Victor put his clothes away with precise folds.  He had noticed when he went to pick out Victor’s clothes the first time that the drawers were the neatest he had seen, every item folded crisply like in a department store including his underwear and socks.  He watched Victor worry a fold into submission before closing the drawer.

 

Yuuri smiled as Victor turned towards him.  “Shall we take a walk?”

 

“Please.  I would love for some time out of here.”

 

They approached the nurses’ station where Yuuri signed Victor out.  He couldn’t be signed out of the building yet, but he could be signed out of the ward.  He guided Victor towards the elevator and they waited for the nurse to unlock the doors.  Stepping inside, they were alone.  As the doors closed, he suddenly had Victor in his arms, a tight embrace.  They said nothing, just held onto one another as the car took them down seven floors.  As the door chimed, they broke apart, but Yuuri reached out and took his hand.  Victor looked at them, his eyes studying where the fingers slid between one another, a smile touching his lips.

 

The gardens were beautiful.  Several paths took them to different zones and Yuuri guessed that Victor must have spent quite a bit of time there as he showed Yuuri around talking vibrantly about the meditation garden and the butterfly garden.  “I think I wish I had a meditation place at Russia.”

 

“It’s not hard to set one up,” Yuuri assured him.  “I have a friend that put one together in an empty closet.”

 

Victor considered those words.  “There’s that storage room off from my room at the inn.”

 

“That would work great.  Now, what are some things that help you feel calm.”

 

“Music.  I’d need some kind of music.  I like the sound of water, too.  That room has a window.  So we could put something green in the space.  And I’d need a place for Makkachin to lie down.”  He paused, taking a deep breath.  “I miss her.”

 

“I’ll find out if I can bring her next time.  If they say yes, I’ll borrow the car.”

 

“You hate driving!” he protested.  “And I don’t want to inconvenience your parents and sister.”

 

“We’ll just plan around it, Vitya.  And…driving makes me a little anxious but I can drive as needed.”

 

Victor stopped and faced him, dropping his forehead to Yuuri’s shoulder.  “I come here to help you and end up being so much trouble,” he pouted.

 

Yuuri stood there quietly for a moment then stepped back to lift Victor’s chin.  Holding his eyes, he stated calmly, “You came here to be  _ with _ me…and I thank you for trusting me enough to get help in the middle of this.”

 

Victor’s lips parted.  It was true.  “I  _ did _ come here to be with you.  I need…I love you.  I-I think I’ve been in love with you since the banquet,” he confessed.

 

Yuuri caressed his cheek with the back of his fingers.  “I’ve looked up to you since I was young.  I had a crush on you since around the age of twelve.  I am still having trouble believing that you want to be with me…but I want that.  I want this more than anything.”

 

“Even with all of this?” he motioned around him, then dropped his chin.  “I have…so much wrong with me.  I’m…messed up, Yuuri.  What if…they can’t fix me?”

 

Yuuri took a deep breath then let it out slowly.  “Do you see me as broken?”

 

“No.  You are strong.  You don’t let your anxiety defeat you.”

 

“And you’ve tried to stand strong against your depression.  Now you are going to learn how to face it.  It’s no different than learning how to work with our body to do a jump or a spin.  If you wing it, you’re going to fall flat on your face.  You have to learn to work with your mind just as you have to learn to work with your body.”

 

“You make it sound easy.”

 

Yuuri laughed gently.  “It’s far from easy.  But it’s worth the hard work.   _ You’re _ worth the hard work.  And it’s not because you are a world champion or a celebrity.  It’s because you are Victor…and if you take everything else away, you are still worth the hard work.”

 

Victor drew in a ragged breath as he tried to stop the tears but they came anyway.  “Oh, Yuuri…”  He dropped his head once more onto Yuuri’s shoulder.  Yuuri held him, his arms accepting Victor.  He pressed his cheek against that blonde head and grounded the older man with his strength.  Victor finally drew in a cleansing breath and straightened up in his arms.  “I wish…I wonder where we would be if we had found each other sooner.”

 

Yuuri’s hand cradled his cheek.  “You could have been dealing with me in the hospital.”

 

Victor’s eyes widened in surprise at the admission.

 

“I’ve been in the hospital three times, twice in Detroit,” He stated quietly.  “It’s likely that I will go in again.  More than once.  I’m just glad they have this facility.  The others in Japan…they aren’t so nice.”

 

“It wasn’t here when you first went in,” Victor deduced.

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “Sasaki-sensei came to my rink after the hospitalization.  She had been referred my case.  It was through working with her over the years that I was able to go to Detroit.  And I knew when I came back that I wanted her to take my case once more.  Thankfully, she has a ‘once a patient, always a patient’ policy.  So I was able to walk right in.  She’s in high demand because of her western ways.”

 

“How did you get me in…and so quickly?”

 

Yuuri smiled and shrugged.  “She was on call that night and I knew it.  That’s why I chose that night to press you on your promise.  You hide it well, you know.  When you can.”

 

“Years of practice.  But sometimes it’s overwhelming.”

 

“I don’t hide my anxiety well.  Perhaps when you are released we can set up an appointment together to discuss the best ways to support each other.”

 

“I…I think I’d like that.  I was…kind of on my own last time.”

 

“Chris told me your biggest fight was over your meds.”

 

Victor’s eyes grew a little distant, his smile bitter.  “I think I was clinging to Chris like a life preserver and he…he knew it.  And he held on as long as he could.  Until I pushed him away.  We weren’t good for each other.”

 

“He’s a good friend, Vitya,” Yuuri murmured, taking Victor’s hand.  “We hold onto those…the friends that have seen us when the veil drops.”

 

“The veil…I never thought of it like that.”

 

“If they can handle us…you and I…at our worst, then they are the friends worthy of keeping.  You notice I don’t let many get close.”

 

“Phichit…Yuuko and Takeshi…Minako…your family.”  He hesitated for a moment.  “Celestino?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Those are the ones I let in the most.  Ketty…the one who composed my music…she was close but I pushed her away.”

 

“How did Chris respond when you called him?”

 

“I think…relief?  He’s been worried about you, and probably worried you’d hide this from me.”

 

“I would have if I thought I could…but you were so open with me.”

 

Yuuri looked down guiltily.  “About that…someone on your side…Lilia?  She contacted Minako, but I wanted to hear your story from you...I’m not usually…so forthcoming, but I thought if I could be...”

 

“I see,” Victor said quietly, withdrawing his hand.

 

“Please don’t be mad,” Yuuri murmured, his lower lip quivering.

 

Victor drew a deep breath.  “I-I’m not?”  His expression was pained as if he was trying to figure out what he was feeling.  “I think…have you been trying to get me to this place?  Were you planning this with Yakov?”

 

“N-no?  I didn’t reach out to Yakov until you asked me to.  I just…I met you where you were, Vitya.  Just as you do with me.  This is the result because this is where you needed to be.  I didn’t mean to deceive you…I didn’t even think of it that way.  I was…just worried about you.”

 

“So this is out of pity,” Victor spit out.  He may have said he wasn’t angry, but Yuuri could hear the lie of it in his voice.

 

“N-no.  Never.  Worrying about someone is…caring.  Not pity.  I didn’t feel sorry for you.”  He grew quiet.  “I’m sorry you are taking it that way,” he murmured, turning away to hide his tears.  He knew how brutal mental illness could be towards those who love them but this was the first time he stood on the receiving end.  Normally he was the one lashing out.  He forced himself to breathe through the panic rising up inside.  He shoved the taunting voices back.   _ You’re ruining this.  He’s not going to want you now.  He’ll never forgive you. _

 

Victor must have sensed his distressed.  A hand reached out and rested on his shoulder, turning him towards the other man.  “I’m sorry.  I’m frustrated…and reacting hard to any piece of information I get.”

 

“Have you called them?”

 

Victor shook his head.  “No…only you.”

 

“You should call them…they worry.  They…text me daily to make sure you’re okay.  Yakov…he’s been looking over my video.  He says at least he can support you this way.”

 

“Who all texts you?”

 

“Yakov, Chris, and Yuri.  I’m sure others are finding out through them.  Minako works with me and she may be talking to Lilia.”

 

“I…didn’t think to call anyone.  Not after I became locked into this place.”  He closed his eyes and corrected his words.  “No, that’s not right.  I didn’t want anyone else to see me like this.  Is that wrong?”

 

“For someone who always tries to put their best foot forward, I think it would be odd if you didn’t feel that way.  But some of us look beyond the mask you wear.  Some of us worry about the real you.”

 

“I-I’ll try to reach out this week,” Victor promised.

 

* * *

  
  


The rest of their visit passed without incident.  They found a ballet studio and Yuuri danced through his choreography and then sat with Victor as they looked through video on his phone.  Before he left, Victor asked Yuuri if he could send the video of his skating to him…just in case he got extended phone privileges.

 

Yuuri hesitated.  “I want you to focus on getting yourself better.”

 

“I am…but the ice.  Please…I won’t overdo it.  I’m sure it will be limited, what time I get.”

 

Yuuri tightened his lips and sighed audibly.  “I’ll send it, but promise me you will continue to put yourself first.  I’m not your focus right now.  I have people looking out for me while you are away…and I can take care of myself.  We will have plenty of time to correct anything once you get out.”

 

“Thank you, Yuuri!” he answered, his eyes lit up.  “Dance doesn’t quite do it for me.  This will help.”

 

Yuuri shook his head tolerantly.  They were near the nurses’ station at this point, reluctant to part but knowing they must.  Yuuri started when Victor hugged him but quickly relaxed in the older man’s embrace.  How could he deny him this?

 

The train ride home was lonely and he felt empty inside, like he had left a part of himself back with Victor.  When he stepped off the train, he smiled.  There stood Mari with Makkachin on her lead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much, BluSkates and Magrathea, for the editing and discussion to help me get this together. You both are the best of friends!
> 
> So, sound off and let me know what you are thinking!


	27. I’ll Be Good (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Relationships...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much, BluSkates and Magrathea! I know things are busy but I appreciate that you help me go through these chapters.

* * *

 

[ I’ll Be Good ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POqEVwROEQs)

 

Nurse Akio brought a cup of tea and placed it in front of Victor as he sat across from him with his own tea.  He then reached into his pocket and placed a jar of jam.  “I understand Russians have strange habits...such as adding jam to their tea.  I hope you will find my offering acceptable.”

 

Victor’s lips parted in surprise.  “I think that’s the kindest thing someone’s done for me in this place.”  He added a spoon of jam into his tea and stirred thoughtfully.  “Not that this place is bad...it’s just not…”

 

“Home,” Nurse Akio finished for him.  “It’s the one thing we can’t create in this environment.  So we strive for the next best thing.  We show you the way to get back.”  He sipped his tea while studying Victor a moment before he asked, “Are you lost?”

 

Victor stuttered as he sipped, and immediately clattered his cup to the table, sighing as some spilled.  Akio leaned forward  and wiped the surface with a towel.  Victor frowned through a sigh.  “I...don’t know?”

 

“It’s hard to know if you are lost when you don’t know the destination.”

 

Victor nodded.  “My destination is back to my Yuuri.  I think it’s the starting point I’m struggling with.”

 

“So you find yourself in the middle of a map and you aren’t sure how you got there,” Akio surmised.

 

Victor sighed.  “That pretty much sums it up.  I mean...yeah, my parents not giving a shit about me probably gave me a push.  My brother wishing I was never born likely nudged me further.  But...why is it that when I’m at the top, I start to spiral downward, I crash, I burn?”

 

Akio considered his words.  “Some will say that when we are at the top there is only one way to go.  But it seems to me that you haven’t given yourself permission to be happy.  Somewhere along the way, you forgot to tell yourself it’s okay to be loved.  And perhaps you need to tell yourself that it’s okay to fail.”

 

“Okay to fail.  But then everyone will withdraw their love.”

 

“Not real love, and not the people who truly matter to you.  Failure is very helpful in this aspect, it weeds the garden, leaving you with the true gems.”

 

“The roses,” Victor murmured.

 

Akio shook his head.  “No.  The dandelions.”

 

Victor looked at him in surprise.  “Dandelions.  I thought you said we were weeding.”

 

“Roses have thorns.  They possess a beauty but that comes with a price; they steal your life blood.  They are vindictive.  Dandelions are tenacious and they hold onto you and will even grow when the ground is questionable.  They don’t abandon you.  They don’t require you to be perfect.  They love you unconditionally.”

 

Victor closed his eyes and considered the words.  “Yuuri...is my dandelion.”

 

Akio smiled over his empty teacup.  His work was done for now.

 

* * *

  
  


Victor held his phone and considered his options.  He sent a quick text to Yuuri.  Yuuri texted earlier, wanting him to call Yakov.  Yuuri said it was important Victor not to lose touch with the others who care about him.  He opened up his contacts.  Staring at Yakov’s name, he worked up the courage.  It was six hours earlier.  Noon.  Perhaps Yakov would have time for him.  He pressed the call button.

 

“Vitya?” Yakov answered immediately.  Victor felt a smile tug at his lips.

 

“Yakov.  I only have an hour to call people.  Yuuri said...I should call you.”

 

He heard Yakov take a shaky breath.  Yakov, the stone wall, trembled in his breathing.  Victor’s lips parted in realization.  The old man worried about him.  “He said you were getting help.  He said you willingly went for help.”

 

“I-I’m trying Yakov.  I wasn’t ready before.  I know...you tried.  I know you didn’t give up on me, Yakov.  But...I wasn’t ready.  All I could do at that point was survive.”

 

“And now?”

 

“I found my reason.  I found...my family.  I know that doesn’t make sense.  Both you and Lilia looked out for me, finished raising me, guided me...and I-I am grateful.  Without you, I would not have made it this far.  And I’m not talking about skating, Yakov.  I wouldn’t...have survived.  And you let me be me.  With all of my drama.”

 

“Vitya…”

 

“Let me finish, Yakov.  I need to say this.  You...are also my family.  I had to come here to see that.  I’m sorry I didn’t see it before.  I...lost my way and I needed to find my compass.”

 

“And your compass is Katsuki?”

 

“Yes...I don’t know why...but he’s been looking for me his whole life.  And I...I’ve been looking for him.  I just didn’t know it...until I saw him.”

 

“I don’t want you to be hurt.”

 

“Yuuri won’t hurt me, Yakov.  He makes me work hard to be better.  Does this make any sense?”

 

The coach sighed heavily.  “I couldn’t help you.  I knew that.  You wouldn’t take your medicine.  Every time you ran late to practice I worried that would be the time I would find you.  You didn’t seem to want help.  And I couldn’t force you to get it.  I am honestly glad you found a reason to live, Vitya.”

 

“Thank you.  I...didn’t want to lose you as my family.”

 

“You haven’t lost me, Lilia or me.  Keep working to get better, Vitya.”

 

“I will.”

 

“And Vitya...don’t forget to call...home.”

 

Victor sniffed, feeling the tears glitter in his eyes.  “I won’t, Yakov.  I promise.”

 

* * *

  
  


Victor moved through the routine of his days and time circled around.  Yuuri told him he was glad that Victor had called Yakov but he still had another call to make.  Chris.  His best friend.  The man who saved him the first time.

 

“Allo, Chris?”

 

“Vitya!  Mon dieu!  How are you?”

 

Victor took a breath.  He felt shaky that day.  Therapy had been rough.  He spent an hour talking about the abuse he suffered from his brother.  There’s no wonder he’s messed up.  There’s no wonder he had to relearn what family meant.  “Chris...I am dealing.  I am actually talking this time.  About real things.  About...the beginning.”

 

“I’m glad to hear that,” Chris murmured.

 

“Thank you for loving me, Chris.  I wouldn’t have made it to this place without you.”

 

He heard Chris sniff.  “Damnit, Vitya.  Now you’ve made me cry.”

 

Victor laughed, his own laugh teary and rough.  “Well, at least it’s good tears this time.”

 

“My eyeliner is running!”  Victor listened as Chris turned to speak with his date.  “Lawrence, it’s fine.  I’m talking to Victor.  He’s getting help.”  Victor heard in the background the older man responding “It’s about fucking time.”  Then Chris was back.  “Sorry about that.  Lawrie was worried when he saw my tears.”

 

“How’s it going between the two of you?” Victor asked.

 

“Oh, this call isn’t about me,” Chris deflected.

 

“The hell it isn’t.  Tell me.  I spend too much of the day focused on me,” Victor argued, a smile tugging his lips.

 

“Well...it’s funny you ask that.  Because...well,” there was a pause but Victor can hear his smile in the silence, can imagine Chris reaching over to take Lawrence’s hand and his friends happiness was important to him.  “We’re getting married, Victor.  Something quiet...it’s for us.  But I’ve decided...I don’t want to chase so many hearts.  I just want to focus on one.”

 

“Wow, Chris.  Does that mean...are we still…”  Victor bit his lip.  It was a happy moment but it still made Victor sad;  he worried about getting left out in the rain.

 

“Oh, Vitya...you are always a part of my life.  And truly...haven’t we moved past...the physical?  Don’t you have someone important to you as well?”

 

“I...I wasn’t worried about the physical.  I just didn’t want to lose my best friend.”

 

There was a pause.  Then Chris returned with a horrid screech that Victor recognized as Chris’ sob.  “My god!  I’m your best friend!  Of course, always and forever.  Perhaps...I mean it’s going to be small...but you and Yuuri should come see us marry.”

 

“I wouldn’t miss it,” Victor murmured.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Victor walked into the studio.  When others sought meditation, he asked if he could meditate through dance.  The result, Nurse Akio brought him to the studio downstairs.  It was used for guided exercises, Tai Chi, yoga, and other group expressions but at the moment it was unoccupied.  He closed his eyes and allowed a song to filter into his memory.  With continued progress, he’d have more access to his phone in another week.  For now, he’ll have to dig the music out of his thoughts.

 

He started at the barre and went through the basics to prepare his muscles for the movements of dance.  The routines were drilled into his muscle memory by Madame Lilia as she taught him to use dance as a tool for skating.  Yuuri revived that.  He remembered watching Yuuri in the studio, his stretches elongating his form, his expression creating mood, his motion drawing the eye, demanding that Victor watch him just as on the ice.

 

Yuuri used dance to show his emotion, his pain, his struggle.  Victor furrowed his brow and began to move in slow stuttered motions.  He started in sadness, but soon anguish and frustration entered his soul.  He danced around the room...and he felt.  He felt anger.  He felt pain.  He felt anguish.  He felt fear.  Rejection.  Loss.  His movements became raw, frayed, erratic.  Then he dropped to the floor.  Fragility.  Broken.  Torn.  He remained for a time as if lost within himself.  Prone.  Fallen.

 

Then...something started to bloom.  As if the fallow ground had rested long enough to welcome new growth.  He opened his eyes.  He reached out and his fingers touched...hope.  And that hope came in the form of Yuuri, a beautiful, brown-eyed Japanese man that reached out to him when he was lost, not once, not twice, but possibly since the beginning of his spiral into darkness.  Yuuri said Victor first captivated him when he was twelve and Victor was sixteen.  Sixteen.  The year Victor began to feel the final breaking from his family.  The year Victor felt the first sting of depression.  The year he learned how to disappear into a persona. 

 

Yuuri began reaching for him...began climbing towards him...journeying over ten years to find him and drag him back from the brink.

 

Yuuri...was his hope.

 

Yuuri...was where his story continued.

 

Yuuri...felt so far away at the moment.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Victor curled up in the corner of his room cradling his phone and waiting for the facetime call to connect.  Finally it went through.  “Yuuri!”

 

“Vitya, how are you?”

 

“I talked to Yakov and Chris.  But I miss you.  They took all of my call time.”

 

“I missed you, too.  How are your therapies?”

 

Victor shrugged. He had a frown that made Yuuri uneasy.  “Are you okay, Vitya?”

 

Victor sighed.  “It’s just hard,” he responded as he toyed with a fray on his shoes.  He decided he needed a new pair.  Closing his eyes, he allowed his head to drop back against the wall.

 

Yuuri considered the man in the phone.  “Tell me about your day.”

 

“I had breakfast then intake.  Of course, everyone speaks Japanese except for me and no one seems really to speak English.  Not a lot.  Even the one guy that’s from Europe speaks Finnish and Japanese.”

 

“Some of the younger residents may have had English in school but are shy to use it.  I’m sorry you’re struggling.”

 

Victor shrugged.  “It’s not all bad.  After intake, I went into a session with Sasaki-sensei.  We talked about my family.  Not the people I truly consider my family but the ones that are blood related to me.  Because...Yuuri, I came here to find my family.”

 

Yuuri’s lips parted in surprise.  “Vitya…” he breathed.

 

“I’ve been lost for so long, Yuuri.  But I’ve never missed anyone like I miss you.  I know I need to be here.  I know I need to fight and learn how to be better so that we can have a long life together.  But today…”  Victor sighed, his lips turning down unhappily.  “Today, I really miss you.  I want to curl up in your arms, Yuuri, and know that I’m safe and loved.”

 

“You  _ are  _ loved, Vitya,” Yuuri stressed.  “And not just by me.  I want you to think about that...and when I come see you, we are going to walk and talk about everyone who loves you, who truly loves you.  Not the persona, but Vitya.  Not the skater, but Vicchan.”

 

Victor smiled softly.  “Yuuri, how did you do that?  We are so far apart physically but I feel your arms around me at this moment.  Thank you, Yuuchan.  I needed that.”

  
  


* * *

 

 

“You help with English?”  Victor looked up surprised to see one of the Japanese residents approaching him.  Her amber eyes studied him uncertainly.

 

“My English is not the best.  It’s my third language after Russian and French,” Victor answered.

 

She frowned.  “My sister in America.  I go see her.  You help with English,” she stated motioning in his direction.  She then shifted her gesture towards herself.  “Ami help with Japanese.”

 

“Well, Ami-san, if we are both stuck here, we might as well make the best of it.  I am Victor,” he agreed, smiling warmly.

 

She answered with a smile touching her chest.  “I am Ami.”  She then led Victor around the room, touching objects and saying the Japanese word for it.  Victor followed up with the English word.  The next morning during during intake, Ami stated, “I try speak English for Victor-san.”

The therapist nodded, smiling encouragingly.  Victor responded with an appreciative “ _ arigato _ ”.

  
  


Notes:

 

[ Emotions and Depression ](https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lets-connect/201107/emotions-and-depression-0)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some ups and downs in this chapter...I hope you loved it!


	28. One (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri interacts with his family and friends as he struggles with Victor's separation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates and Magrathea, for getting this edited at the last minute. My apologies for waiting until the last minute to get it written. 
> 
>  
> 
> There has been a sad lack of Ed Sheeran songs in this story. That must be rectified! ;)

* * *

 

[ One ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ix9NXVIbm2A)

 

 

**Phichit/ Wonders if his best friend is still alive…**

 

Yuuri laughed at his friend’s antics.  Phichit always had a way of letting Yuuri subtly know that he has been silent for too long.  

 

**Yuuri/ I’m alive...I’ve been keeping busy.**

 

**Phichit/ Skating?**

 

**Yuuri/ Skating, dancing, helping with the inn.**

 

**Phichit/ Is this guilt busy?**

 

**Yuuri/ Maybe?**

 

**Phichit/ Yuuri…**

 

Yuuri steadied himself.  Phichit was a wonderful friend, but he was able to cut to the heart of the matter right away.  Today was no different.  Yuuri was wracked with guilt over Victor right now.

 

**Yuuri/ I…**

 

**Yuuri/ I miss him.**

 

**Yuuri/ And it’s my fault he’s so far away.**

 

**Phichit/ If he didn’t get help, worst case scenario?**

 

**Yuuri/ He could have taken his life.**

 

Yuuri knew the answer right away.  He had seen the evidence of it first hand that night.  It horrified him, but it didn’t make the pain and guilt dissipate in the least.

 

**Phichit/ Exactly.  As your friend, I don’t want you to go through that.**

 

**Yuuri/ I wouldn’t be able to come back from it.**

 

**Phichit/ You did what was right; you took care of him.  Now.  Are you taking care of Yuuri?**

 

**Yuuri/ I’m taking my meds but I haven’t been meditating.  I dance and skate.  My eating has been shit but Mom caught on and put both Minako and Mari on me to make sure I eat enough.**

 

**Phichit/ How much?**

 

**Yuuri/  A little over 2 kg**

 

**Phichit/ Yuuri!!!  Is that over two weeks?**

 

**Yuuri/ Maybe a little less than that.**

 

**Phichit/ Shit!  Do I need to move in with you until Victor comes home?**

 

**Yuuri/ No.  I’m fine.  Really.**

 

**Phichit/ For the record, I don’t believe you.  I’ve lived with you for over the last three years.**

 

**Yuuri/ I have people looking out for me.  Please don’t worry, Phi!**

 

**Phichit/ I’m your friend.  I worry.**

 

**Yuuri/ I love him, Phi.  I could have lost him.**

 

**Phichit/ You didn’t.  You found him and you got him to get help.  You said Yakov and Chris couldn’t do this.  He loves you enough to try to take care of himself.  You need to do the same.**

 

Yuuri looked down at the words on his screen.  He knew that Phichit was correct.  The man knew him well enough to be able to make him see the truth of the moment, even if his anxiety was working against him.

 

**Yuuri/ You’re right.  Thank you for being my friend.**

 

**Phichit/ I’m the best of friends!**

 

**Yuuri/ Yes, you are.  I’ll do better.**

 

**Phichit/ Good.  Now, how is he?**

 

**Yuuri/ Better.  He finally called Yakov and Chris.  I’ve received permission to bring Makkachin.**

 

**Phichit/ And his meds?**

 

**Yuuri/ It’s a process of adjustment.  He’ll still be adjusting when he comes home.**

 

**Phichit/ I hope he sticks with it.**

 

**Yuuri/ Me, too.**

 

Mari called out to him and Yuuri frowned at his phone.

 

**Yuuri/ Gotta go.  Cops are after me.**

 

**Phichit/ Don’t hide in the closet.  They always check.**

 

**Yuuri/ Under the bed’s out, too.**

 

**Phichit/ Good luck!**

 

Yuuri slipped his phone into his pocket and left Victor’s room.  He found himself drawn to the space in Victor’s absence and would sleep wrapped up in his blankets cuddling into Makkachin’s soft fur.  He probably needed to wash the bedding but he didn’t want to wash away Victor’s scent.  He also found himself sleeping in the older man’s t-shirts.

 

He stumbled down the stairs with sleep mussed hair and found his sister.  “What do you want, Mari?”

 

“You’ve slept long enough.  Come help me with laundry so we can finish before dinner.”

 

Yuuri ran his fingers through his hair.  The shirt he wore hung on his frame and Mari eyed him critically from behind.  She knew that his first impulse was to overeat while he dealt with his problems.  If he reached the point where his anxiety flipped and cause him to not eat, then his headspace was in a much worse condition.  Maybe she could draw him out while they worked.

 

“So, have you talked to Victor today?”

 

“He texted me that he was calling Chris,” Yuuri stated as he began removing the next load from the dryer and transferring the wash over.

 

“You didn’t say much about him yesterday.”

 

“He is working on his therapy but it’s going to take a few more weeks.”

 

Mari frowned.  “How did your skating go?”

 

Yuuri turned towards her and raised an eyebrow, frowning in exasperation.  “Why don’t you say directly what’s on your mind?”

 

“You are more withdrawn.  Even when you work with us, you don’t talk.”

 

“I’ve got a lot on my mind.  I’m worried about Victor.  I’m worried he’s going to hate me when this is all over.”

 

“Did you hate us?”

 

Yuuri huffed.  “You don’t want to know what was on my mind back then.  I was so fucked up on meds, yeah, I honestly could say I hated you, all of you.  I blamed everyone.  But then I blamed myself.  I don’t know which was worse.  In the end, I learned to hate the anxiety.  But it took me a while and a lot of anger to get there.”

 

Mari had stayed silent while Yuuri ranted for a few moments.  Then she remained quiet, letting him settle after getting the emotions out.  She started softly, coming over to him, “I hate the anxiety, too.  I watched you disappear and I wasn’t sure you’d ever come back.”

 

Yuuri kept his eyes on the sheet that he held, but hadn’t folded yet.  “Sometimes I worry that I’m not me.  I worry that the meds have changed me into someone else.”

 

“I know you, Yuuri.”  She took the bottom half of the sheet from him  bringing the corners to meet the ones in his hands.  Folding his hands together with hers she got him moving on the sheet.  He was able to finish the task himself, and she smiled.  “You are most definitely you.  You’re my dorky, shy, nerd of a brother.”  She ruffled his hair.

 

Yuuri blinked at her then suddenly grinned.  “And you’re my grumpy, takes no shit, blunt as hell, sister.”

 

“You wouldn’t have me any other way,” she pointed out.

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “No, I wouldn’t.”

 

She smirked at the mannerism he brought from the States.  “You know that drives Mom nuts.”

 

“So do your cigarettes,” he pointed out with an eyeroll.

 

“No way!” she argued back.  They walked out with baskets of laundry to put away.  “Meet you at dinner,” she called out.

 

Yuuri smiled and nodded.

 

* * *

  
  


The youngest Katsuki felt the gloom settle on him once more after walking Makkachin.  He played with his food listlessly while his parents looked on with worry.  “Vicchan is in a good place,” his mother fussed.  “So much better than what we had available.”

 

He looked up and he saw the shadow of guilt on his mother’s face.  He sighed and offered a reassuring smile.  “Kaasan.  We did the best we could back then.”

 

“But they overmedicated you!”

 

“They did.  I know.  But the alternative was worse.  I couldn’t function.  And I also know that Vitya is where he needs to be...but it’s not easy.”

 

“It wasn’t easy for us.  We didn’t know how to take this from you.”

 

“You couldn’t.  I just had to learn how to live with it.  Once I met Sasaki-sensei, it was much better.  She got my meds sorted out.  They may have to overmedicate Vitya at first and then bring him down slowly until he’s leveled out.  I...I just want to make sure he lives, really lives.  I feel so much at once when my anxiety kicks in overdrive.  I can’t imagine what it’s like to feel nothing, to feel numb.”

 

“My sister...she was like that.”  Hiroko looked down into her dinner bowl.  She was quiet for a moment, recalling memories she seldom shared.  “We didn’t know enough back then.  I was twelve when she took her life.  They said it was easier to say she killed herself then to say she was mentally ill.  I did not want that for you.  I would rather deal with your anxiety than ever lose you.”

 

Yuuri smiled gently, taking her hand and squeezing it.  “I knew that, Kaason.  I never felt that you were ashamed of my illness...except when my anxiety was high.  But when my anxiety does my thinking for me, it’s not me, it’s not a real thought.  And that wasn’t your fault.  I just didn’t want to be a burden.”

 

“You are never a burden.  We are your parents.  It scared us.  We didn’t know what to do at first.  But we always wanted your happiness.”  She sighed heavily.  “It was hard to let you go to Detroit, but we knew it was best for you.  And it is hard to let Vicchan stay in the hospital, but you know it is best for him.”

 

Yuuri frowned and nodded.  “How did I end up so wound up in him in such a short time?”

 

“Such a short time,” she stated disbelievingly.  “You’ve been falling in love with him since you were young.  He gave you something to work towards so you didn’t get held back by your anxiety.  But I could see the look on your face when you watched him skate.”

 

Yuuri blushed, dropping his eyes to his lap.  “I hope...he isn’t disappointed in me.”

 

“How can he be disappointed in my beautiful son?”  She clicked her tongue.  “He is completely taken with you.  Let him love you, son.  You will both be happier for it.”

 

He managed to finish his meal to her satisfaction.  He slept once more that night wrapped up in Victor’s blankets and dog.

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri stood at the nurses’ station when Victor spotted him, Makkachin in a short harness, the lead relinquished to the nurses until he left.  Victor shifted indecisively.  He couldn’t decide which to embrace first when Yuuri dropped down and whispered in Makkachin’s ear, “Go to papa.”  Releasing the dog, she ran and knocked him down.  Yuuri closed his eyes as he listened to the beautiful sound of Victor’s laugh, his steady stream of coos as he greeted his dog.  It was definitely worth bringing Makka on the train.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that last scene was one paragraph on purpose. I'll pick up with Victor's point of view of the visit next chapter.


	29. Antidote (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor uses dance to express his struggle with depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates and Magrathea, for editing this for me.

* * *

 

[ Antidote ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXpjUePKFGk)

 

 

Victor relished in his time with Yuuri, spending the visit finding places to be alone with his Yuuri and Makkachin.  In the dwindling hours, he pulled them back to his room, wrapping Yuuri up in his arms as they snuggled together in his bed.  Makkachin stretched out along their legs, her head resting on his hip.  

 

“I don’t want you to go,” Victor murmured against Yuuri’s hairline.  

 

“I know, Vitya.  You are doing so much better, though.  I’m proud of you,” Yuuri encouraged, snuggling his head under Victor’s chin.

 

Victor sniffed back his tears.  This was the hardest part.  Parting with one another.  “When I get out, I’m going to stay on track.  I never want to go through this again.  Being apart from you.  I finally found you.”

 

“I’m not going anywhere, Vitya.  Just get better...so we can be together for a long time.”

 

Victor nodded, taking in a ragged breath.  “I will.  I am.  I fought everyone before.  Now I’m working hard.”

 

Yuuri lifted his chin blinking back his own tears.  Their noses met and Yuuri breathed in shakily.  His body was screaming for this man next to him, to know him better.  But he knew it wasn’t the time.  Victor must have thought the same.

 

“I really want to kiss you, Yuuri,” he admitted softly.  “But not here.  I don’t want our first kiss to be here.  So...if it’s okay, I’m going to kiss your forehead.”  He lifted his chin to tenderly brush his lips against Yuuri’s head.  “I won’t rush you when I get out.  I just wanted you to know I still want to kiss you.”

 

“I-I want to kiss you, too,” Yuuri confessed.  “But I agree...not here.  Soon, though.”

 

When Victor walked Yuuri to the nurses’ station separating Victor from the world, he was once again reluctant to let Yuuri go.  His fingers lingered, holding onto Yuuri’s, his eyes holding the younger man’s captive.  “I get increased phone privileges next week.  Send me a video of your skating.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“I need to see you dance on the ice, Yuuri.  I miss it.  Next week, they said I might get to leave during your visit.  Maybe we can find a rink.”

Yuuri smiled shyly.  “I’ll see what we can do.”

 

“Thank you,” Victor murmured drawing him close, into an embrace.  He rested his cheek against the top of Yuuri’s head.  “I know this isn’t easy.  Thank you for staying by my side.  And thank you for bringing Makkachin.  It means a lot.”

 

“I’ll do anything I can to make your stay bearable.”

 

Victor pulled back and grinned.  “Then send me a video!”

 

Chuckling, Yuuri nodded.  “I’ll get Yuuko to help me out.  Don’t worry.  I’ll send you a video.”

 

“Thank you.”  They reluctantly parted, fingers lingering until the last minute.  Then Yuuri was gone and Victor was left to watch him disappear.  He finally returned to the common space.  It always felt sad when family left.  He found a chair that wrapped around him and pulled his knees to his chest, leaning into the weaving of the egg shape.  The chair swung in a comforting action.  He remained still, lost in his thoughts until some small hands touched the caging.

 

“Victor-san is sad.”

 

He shrugged.  “Ami-san is not?”

 

“Maybe a little.  My sister sent letter.  She wants me to move to America.  Okaasan not sure.”

 

“Your English will get better once you are there.  You will do fine, though.”

 

“Thank you, Victor-san.  Your Japanese is getting better, too.”

 

“I won’t be able to pass the language exam, but maybe I can talk to my partner’s family.”

 

“It will be good, then.”  She smiled reassuringly.  

 

* * *

  
  


Victor’s week improved by having access to his phone in the evenings.  He had to turn it in before lights out but he now had four hours instead of one.  He studied Yuuri’s video and texted corrections.  He traded texts back and forth with Chris.  He talked to Yuuri every evening, sometimes lingering as bedtime approached.

 

Midweek, he talked Nurse Akio into allowing him to bring his phone to the dance studio where he used his music app to find the music for the choreography he was working on.  He would eventually turn it into a skate.  For now, he worked on the artistry, the interpretation.  It was his depression, his struggle with mental health, and he worked to find his [ antidote ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXpjUePKFGk).

 

The piano embraced him and he released all of his masks.  He felt the struggle, the desire to remain, to be left alone.  Then the increase in the music where he realized he needed help.  He didn’t know how to get it, how to open up.  The years of cutting were his cry for help.  It took so long for someone to hear.  It took a desperate move in a hotel room to show others he was so afraid.  He wanted to be okay.  He wanted to be healed.  But he was afraid of letting go of what was comfortable.  He was afraid of how the change would affect his performance, his way of gaining love.  He moved slowly through the words, feeling the poison seep in.  Showing his struggle to regain his feet, his skewed view of his worth, his rejection, his mother calling him a mistake, his father disowning him.  He ended kneeling, lost in the darkness.

 

He knew he’d follow up with something showing his triumph, but this was his realization that he needed help.  It was cathartic, the admission using the expression of music.  The playlist clicked over to [ Drown ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FU5ifmugneM).  He turned into the music and let the words guide him into another release of music.  His cries became frantic as he reached out begging to be seen.  He knew he needed help, even when he left, he wouldn’t be able to do this on his own.

 

It wasn’t until [ Survive ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oqvSIrU_4I)clicked forward that he felt the soothing balm of the healing.  Yuuri showed him love, showed him that there was more than just surviving, more than just living to other people’s expectations.  Yuuri accepted him, a disaster of a human being; he had found a way to reach him, and led him toward the light.  Yuuri, his compass, his hope, his dandelion.  When he finished wrapping his arms around his legs, he knew that he had his answer.  

 

_Yuuri, my compass._

 

_Yuuri, my dandelion._

 

_Yuuri, my hope._

 

_Yuuri, my world._

 

Victor smiled as he stretched back against the world.  He burned through his darkness like sunshine.

 

_Yuuri, my sun, solntse moyo._

 

_You won’t let me get lost._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this!


	30. Human (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets start to tumble out in Yuuri's world.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Talk about past rape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Magrathea, I sneaked something in there for you (because this story's your favorite) so you're going to have to reread this. Thank you for your edits and talks through this. BluSkates, I haven't forgot about you. You catch my sneaks in my other stories with Douglas and all. Thank you, as well. You are both so awesome.
> 
> Also, for those who are reading BluSkates' story...how many want a Douglas side story? (I know I do!) 
> 
> And for those who love the theme to this one, you need to read Magrathea's stories!

* * *

 

[ Human ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_jEKKUTEDM)

 

Yuuri felt the heaviness settle on him.  Sighing, he rolled over and tried to shove it aside.  He knew the signs.  Depression was a familiar bedmate to anxiety.  He missed Victor.  Logically, he knew that Victor was in the best place for him, but he missed him.  Finally, he pushed up out of bed.  Looking at his phone, he knew it was an hour before his family would be up.  Makkachin lifted her head and watched him.  Tilting his head, he smiled softly.  “Do you want to go for a morning run, girl?”  She boofed softly in reply.  Following Yuuri to his own room, the brunette pulled out his track suit with reflective panels.  “I hate mornings but I think my body misses meeting Victor for the day.  So, here I am, getting ready to run.”

 

As they slipped out of the inn, Yuuri turned his feet down a familiar trek.  He could feel his thoughts crashing around him.  He knew that they were rabbit trails, false paths that his anxiety and depression dragged him down.  He finally drew to a halt near the beach.  Sitting in a grassy patch, he scratched through Makkachin’s fur as he watched the sun rise.  “I can’t do this, Makka.  I need to be strong for Victor.  This is no time for me to break down.”

 

The dog nuzzled his hairline, licking his cheeks and forehead.  Yuuri leaned into the dog and drew a ragged breath.  “I know...you miss him, too.  It’s not fair.  Mental illness is never fair.  It takes and takes and takes...never giving back in return.  And it doesn’t just take from those who are ill, but from those who are unfortunate enough to love us.”  He winced at his word choice.  He knew that statement came from his anxiety, which was breaking through.  He knew his family and friends never considered themselves unfortunate.  He certainly didn’t feel unfortunate to love Victor.  He did the math then pulled out his phone.

 

“Phichit?”  He could hear the uncertainty in his voice.

 

“Yuuri!  Are you okay?”  Phichit met him with concern.

 

Yuuri sighed, leaping into a confession.  “I’m just...it’s a bad day, Phi.  The whole world’s crashing around me.”

 

“Where are you?”  Worry lined his friend’s voice.  Yuuri knew his first priority would be to make sure he was safe.  They lived together too long.

 

“On the beach.  I went running with Makkachin.”

 

“Okay, talk to me about your mental state.”

 

Yuuri drew in a deep breath and let it out.  “I can feel the depression curling in and wrapping around my anxiety, Phi.  This is the worst time.  Victor is…”

 

“Safe...away from this.”

 

“He’s safe,” Yuuri repeated.  “He’s safe from me.”

 

“That’s not what I said,” Phichit cut him off.  “You are not a danger to anyone...except maybe yourself.  But Victor is safe where he can get the help he needs.  So now it’s time to decide what help you need.  You’re self-care is just as important.”

 

“He wants to kiss me, Phi.”

 

Across the ocean, Phichit closed his eyes.  He was the one that found him that night.  He knew that he knew someone hurt his friend.  But Yuuri never admitted to it, never said the words.  “What do you want, Yuuri?” he asked gently.

 

“I-I want to kiss him, too,” Yuuri admitted.  “But...what if...I’m scared, Phi.  I love him, but I’m scared.”

 

“I’m sure he’s scared, too.  For many of the same reasons.”

 

“I-I was raped, Phi.  What if he doesn’t want me when he finds out?  What if I can’t…”  He trailed off, uncertainty and pain teaming under his skin.  Hot tears sliding down his cheeks.

 

Phichit’s lip quivered, crying with his friend.  “Oh, honey.  I wish I was there to hold you and take care of you right now.  I know it was hard for you to say it.”

 

“I have to tell him, don’t I?”  Yuuri worried his lower lip between his teeth.

 

“That’s  something you need to decide.  No one can make you.  You decide when and if you are ready.  But I think talking about it will help you move past it.  Talking will help with the increased frequency of your depression, your anxiety, and your panic.”

 

Yuuri nodded even though Phichit couldn’t see him.  “Sasaki-sensei knows there is something I haven’t said to her.  She isn’t forcing me but she’s given me a lot of openings.”

 

“Perhaps that’s where you need to start,” Phichit suggested knowing his friend might just need a little push.  “You’ve opened up to me, Yuuri.  That’s a good first step.  Now, it’s time to let your therapist in.  I know you trust her.  You wouldn’t let her treat Victor otherwise.”

 

A smile snuck in and tugged at Yuuri’s lips.  “I wouldn’t have.”  He fell quiet, watching the movement of the ocean.  He knew Phichit would wait for him.  Their relationship was like that.  Phichit watched over him, waited for him to come forward.  Finally he spoke.  “What if I’m too broken?  I’ve not really gone out since then.  I’ve not...dated.”

 

Phichit considered his words, half afraid he was wrong about Victor.  “Has Victor made any move to rush you?”

 

“N-no.  He says he’ll wait for me to be ready.  He’ll wait for a kiss although…” Yuuri let his words fade.

 

Finally, Phichit prompted him softly.  “Although?”

 

“I’ve told him that I love him,” Yuuri rushed.  “He says the same...that he loves me.  And...we have slept in the same bed.  Nothing more than holding each other but...everything is backwards and out of order.”  Yuuri fell back into the sand, Makkachin managed to wrap around and catch Yuuri’s head with her body.  Yuuri’s free hand reached up and knotted into her fur.  “I can’t even do this right.”

 

“Hmmm...you say it’s not right, but this is what I see.  Two men found each other, and even though their mental illnesses tried to pull them apart, they found their ways to each other.  I see my best friend found a way to get his boyfriend to get help that he had refused to get otherwise.  I see my best friend slowly opening up in his own way to let someone else into his heart.  I see someone who loves deeply, so deeply that he thinks he needs to protect everyone from himself.  Except, we want you in our lives...just as you are.  And you saved Victor.”

 

“What if I can’t save myself?”

 

“Five years ago would you have reached out for help?” Phichit asked softly.

 

Yuuri turned the words over before answering, “N-no.”

 

“You are already saving yourself.  You will be here for Victor and you both will support each other.  And if that isn’t enough, you have us.  You have your family, me, Chris…”

 

“How do you know Chris?” Yuuri murmured.

 

“He might have contacted me about a note someone left for my best friend,” Phichit admitted.  He winced, uncertain how Yuuri would take it.

 

“You didn’t tell me,” Yuuri whispered.

 

“I didn’t know how you’d take it.  But I did know this.  Victor didn’t hurt you.  He took care of you and made sure you were safe.  And he wanted to get to know my best friend.  I didn’t want to scare you away.”  Phichit waited for Yuuri to respond, nervous because this might not have been the best time to put that out there.

 

“I would have...panicked,” Yuuri admitted after a moment.  “I’m glad you didn’t tell me.  Does Victor know?”

 

“I’m not sure if he knows Chris knows about the note.  Chris knows you were the only chance Victor had.  He was worried about him.  And...I was worried about you.”

 

“So you two pushed two disasters together,” Yuuri surmised, wincing at the bitterness he heard in his voice.  

 

“Well, I wouldn’t put it like that,” Phichit replied.  “We thought...perhaps you each held the missing pieces of each other.  We both wanted you two to be better.”

 

“I will always have this.  Anxiety is a life sentence,” he stated in frustration.  “You can’t fix it.”

 

Phichit’s voice became a plea.  “It doesn’t mean you can’t find happiness.  It doesn’t mean you can’t have more quality of life, Yuuri.  That’s what I mean by better.  For the longest time, you disappeared into yourself.  You were the ice, you were your school lessons.  I haven’t heard you laugh hardly at all.  I miss your laugh, Yuuri.”

 

“I think I laughed that night...when I met Victor.  I don’t remember much, just snatches, my memory’s blurry.  But I think I laughed that night.”

 

“I want you to be happy.”

 

“I want that, too.”

 

“And Chris wants the same for Victor.”

 

“I don’t deserve you as a friend.”

 

Phichit chuckled warmly.  “Doesn’t matter.  You’re stuck with me.  Friends for life!”

 

“Friends for life,” Yuuri repeated, a smile touching his lips.  “Thank you, Phi.  I needed this talk.”

 

“Anytime,” Phichit answered warmly.  “And Yuuri?  Give yourself permission to be happy.”

 

“I’m trying.  But I need to talk to my therapist.”

 

“Yes.  Step two.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

* * *

  
  
  


Yuuri sat across from Sasaki-sensei.  His hands nervously wrung against each other.  The therapist studied her long time client with knowing eyes.  “Something is upsetting you, Yuuri.”

 

The young man nodded his head, his breath rattling as his anxiety hitched.  

 

She leaned forward and took his hands.  “Yuuri-san.  It’s me.  You know me.  We’ve worked together for years.  This is a safe place for you.”

 

Yuuri nodded once more, his eyes remaining unfocused.

 

“Yuuri, tell me five things you see.”

 

Yuuri’s eyes shot around the room, his movements jerky.  “D-desk, t-tea, rug, books, chair.”

 

“Good, Yuuri.  Now close your eyes.  Four things you hear.”

 

“M-my breathing.  Wind through the leaves outside.  Shoes clicking against the floor.  A voice blending in with music.”

 

Sasaki’s eyes narrowed.  Those last two items were not present.  “Yuuri are you with me?  Here at the office.”

 

Yuuri shook his head slowly.

 

“Where are you?” she guided.

 

His breath hitched.  The memory was so vivid.  “At a party.  In Detroit.  Too much alcohol.  My head is fuzzy.”

 

She frowned.  Alcohol doesn’t blend well with his medication.  She held her remark back.  “What happened at this party.”

 

He continued to answer in short sentences.  “I was dancing.  He got me in a corner.  I didn’t want to kiss him.  He forced it.”

 

She bit her lip not liking where this was going.  “Did you get away?”

 

“I thought I did.  I left the party.  Phichit was still there.  My apartment wasn’t far away.  I walked.  I made it to the stairwell and was climbing up.  It was the first landing.  No one was there.  I couldn’t fight him off.  Too much alcohol.  I was dizzy.  I could see him over me.  I felt cold air.  His hands are on me, in me.”  Yuuri’s breathing quickened, his panic threatening to shut him down.  

 

“Yuuri you are safe.  We’re in my office,” Sasaki soothed, her hand rubbing his, grounding him.  “Are you with me?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I need to say this.  I need to get this out.”

 

“I’m listening, Yuuri.”  

 

“I managed to pull myself up.  My pants were around my knees.  I pulled them up.  I ran to my apartment and locked the door.  I was in the shower when Phichit came home.  I couldn’t answer him.”

 

“You were taken to the hospital after this.”  She remembered being informed and reading the clinical reports.  However, the rape was omitted from her documents.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I didn’t talk about what happened.  They...they knew.  I just couldn’t say it.  Th-they examined me.  G-gave me medicine.  Tested my blood.  They asked me if I wanted to talk to the police.  I...I couldn't answer them.”  He stilled after that, well, not exactly.  He picked at his skin, scratching, tightening inward.  Sasaki watched him draw inward and knew he needed another push.

 

"After the ER, what happened?"

 

"Because I couldn't talk, I was taken to the psychiatric ward.  Phichit had brought my medicine so they were trying to figure out how to treat me.  But I never talked about it, not even after I found my words."

 

“And now?  What's changed?”  She moved him forward with her words, grounding him to the present.

 

“Victor.  I was in another situation where I drank too much.  But this time, he took care of me.  He made sure I was safe.”  Yuuri’s eyes fluttered open.  Finding her eyes, he silently pleaded with her for help.  

 

She offered a thin smile of agreement.  "I will help you, Yuuri.  I've been waiting for you to open up.  How many times have we talked about your mother's cooking and your sister's boyfriend?  Now we can do what is needed."

 

Yuuri sighed, looking at his hands.  "So many times I lost blocks of time.  Usually Phichit watched over me.  But there were times I didn't know what happened.  But this was different.  I...knew but I didn't.  And now that I remember fully, I want...I need help.  I...want to be with Victor.  I don't want this to be a roadblock."

 

She pursed her lips, concern evident in her expression.  “Okay, Yuuri.  I know we normally meet twice a month.  I’m going to be honest.  I want to talk with you more.  I think we need to address this.”

 

“I’m asking for help,” he whispered.

 

“Good.  Can you meet with me twice a week?  I can help you move past this.  There’s been an anomaly in your case, something that couldn’t be treated with drugs.  But until you were willing to talk to me, I couldn’t help you.”

 

“I’ll do what’s needed.  I need to get past this.”

 

“Then let’s begin…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many secrets...everyone has a past. What are you thinking?


	31. Breath & Sound (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Victor joins Yuuri in an outing outside the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some emotions take place here...of course, all of my stories seem to be very emotional lately.
> 
> Thank you, BluSkates and Magrathea. I appreciate your input and edits more than you know.

* * *

 

[ Breath & Sound ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVltvZW9KOU)

 

Victor waited eagerly for Yuuri’s arrival in the common lounge, watching the minutes tick by.  He had earned the privilege to leave grounds in Yuuri’s care and today would be his first trip outside.  It was interesting to be locked up willingly, to not be able to leave, through his own choice.  However, this choice would, hopefully, save his life.  This choice was part of his commitment to Yuuri, to himself, and to their life together.  If he wanted to be a part of the other man’s life, he had to be willing to not only receive help, but to actively seek it out.

 

The other side of that coin was that he could go to Yuuri, talk about it, and Yuuri would support him in his struggle, guide him to the help he needed.  Yuuri didn’t see his flaws, his imperfections, his instability as weakness.  He saw Victor as strong, willing to fight.  And because of that, Victor found the strength he needed to seek out the necessary help, even when he was falling apart.

 

The clock clicked into place, marking ten in the morning.  Victor, his eyes trained on the nurses’ station, spotted him--his Yuuri.  Could he call him that?  They had said ‘I love you’ to each other, after all.  He felt the excitement build in his chest as the younger man approached him.

 

He remembered the phone call home, talking about how he felt something, how he danced through his emotions.  Yuuri listened and Victor could feel his quiet smile through the conversation, the soft encouragements that the younger man would offer.  And now he was here, never late, always making sure he had the most time possible.  Yuuri came through the door and stepped straight into Victor’s space.  “I understand you get to leave for a few hours,” he teased softly.  “Would you like to go out and see some new territory?”

 

“Yes, please...as long as I’m with you…” he trailed off feeling a blush climb into his cheeks.  There was a time when he’d rarely blush, where he was so closed off to his emotions that he had forgotten how to respond genuinely.  Everything had become a performance, one that he learned to fake to perfection.  Yuuri didn’t permit that.  The doctors and nurses coordinating his mental health program at the hospital didn’t allow that either.  He was slowly learning to be real; though with Yuuri, the real Victor surfaced much more easily.  Yuuri touched something in him that had been dormant for so long he forgot it existed.

 

Yuuri took his hand and tugged him towards the entrance.  Stopping at the nurses’ station, they signed out.  With a buzz, the door opened for them.  Yuuri grabbed the bag he’d been forced to leave on the other side.  A short elevator ride to the lobby floor opened to show the last barrier to the world.  This barrier had been one that Victor helped to build in order to keep him inside and working towards his health.  But this time Victor’s name was on the list and he would be allowed to pass through this barrier, if only for a short time.

 

As he stepped out into the sunlight, he couldn’t help but smile.  This sunshine on the curb felt different, more open than that of the garden.  It trailed its fingers down his arms, warmed his skin, kissed his cheeks.  Yuuri led him onward, down the block and across the street.

 

“So, I thought we’d skate.”  Yuuri looked into the ocean blue eyes, gaging Victor’s reaction.  “Nothing fancy, a public rink.  But it’s ice.  Then lunch at this cute, little restaurant.  And since we are out, I thought we’d finish up by wandering along the piers.”

 

“That sounds...perfect,” Victor whispered, but truthfully Yuuri could have suggested deepsea diving followed up by cleaning the subway and it would be perfect.  He just wanted time with the man.

 

Yuuri smiled shyly as he led Victor through the pedestrian traffic and into the subway system.  Soon, they were at their stop and Yuuri led Victor to the rink.  “I called ahead.  They have an early skate and a later skate, but I thought you’d be eager to hit the ice sooner.”

 

“You’re right.  I miss that almost as much as I miss you and Makka.”

 

Yuuri blushed but nodded.  “Come on, then.”  He went up to the counter and Victor listened as Yuuri handled the transaction, surprised at how much of the conversation he picked up.  Ami-san was right.  He was improving.

 

Past the entrance, they found themselves at the benches where Yuuri unzipped the bag and revealed their skates.

 

“I can’t believe you thought to bring my skates!  Did you break into my locker?.”  Victor teased with an arched eyebrow.

 

Yuuri smiled, running his hand from Victor’s hand up to his elbow while shyly peering through his lashes.  His voice came out soft, almost shy.  “It was no trouble.  Not really.  You are doing so much...it was the least I could do.”

 

Victor smiled in response.  On impulse, he leaned forward and brushed a kiss on Yuuri’s forehead followed by a whispered “ _ spasibo _ ”.  Yuuri’s answering blush and the slight tremble of his hand against Victor’s arm warmed something inside the older man.

 

“I was telling Phichit that everything is so out of order with us,” Yuuri demured.

 

Victor reached out and traced Yuuri’s jaw, lifting his chin.  “Our path was never meant to follow traditions.  We speak our own language.”

 

Yuuri stared up at him, his lips slightly parted as he held onto Victor’s eyes before drawing a ragged breath and falling into the older man’s embrace.  Victor wrapped his arms around him and murmured tenderly, “What’s this?”

 

“I just...I needed to feel you.”

 

Victor’s expression softened, his cheek resting against Yuuri’s hair.  “Of course, my Yuuri. Whatever you need.”

 

Slowly they parted and Yuuri covered his emotion by tying his skates.  “Are you ready?”

 

“Always...with you,” Victor responded, holding out his hand.

 

They were soon on the ice warming up as they zoomed around in circles, music box music tinkling through the speakers, surrounded mostly by children.  It was on the third circle that Victor leaned in and mentioned, “I think they have figured out who you are.”

 

Yuuri really looked around this time and noticed fingers pointing and giggly talking among the young skaters gathering at the ends of the rink and by the boxes.  “I’m sure it is you.  Your silver hair is much more distinctive.”

 

Victor laughed.  “As the only Russian in Japan, I’m sure.  But that doesn’t mean your fans don’t recognize you.”

 

“I don’t have fans,” Yuuri argued, swatting at Victor.

 

Victor turned two-footed on his skates and, raising up to gently dig the toepicks in, halted, staring at Yuuri in disbelief.  “You are the top skater in Japan, their Ace.  Trust me, Yuuri, you are more recognizable than I am in this place.”

 

“Wh-why?  I keep messing up.  I-I haven’t  won any major competitions since juniors.”

 

Victor shoved his hand through his hair in frustration.  “You truly have no idea just how amazing you are.”

 

Yuuri glanced down bashfully, “I’m nothing special.”

 

Victor rolled his eyes, scruffing Yuuri’s hair before pushing off, moving slowly backwards.  Arching into a backwards edge he turned and took off, building a little speed before entering the cones blocking off the center and launching in a waltz jump.  It brought forth some excited claps from the little ones.  Victor skated back to Yuuri raising an eyebrow in challenge.

 

Yuuri sighed but relented, building his speed, and launching into a double axel.  The kids squealed in excitement and then he heard his name.  Victor leveled a gaze that clearly said “I told you so”.  Yuuri responded by sticking out his tongue and turning to skate away with attitude.  Victor smiled, enjoying the view of what he considered Yuuri’s finest asset.

 

As they prepared to leave, several skaters came to them and asked for autographs.  Yuuri looked at Victor nervously but Victor smiled reassuringly.  “We have time.  This is important to them.”  They settled into a half hour impromptu autograph session and a few of the children even asked for Victor’s autograph.  Yuuri looked to Victor for guidance and would follow the behavior modeled.  As they left, Victor murmured, “I always make time for the young skaters.  A moment of kindness means so much to them.”

 

“I just...I’m anxious around crowds.  I don’t mean to put people off,” Yuuri admitted.

 

Victor slipped an arm around his shoulder.  “I know.  Perhaps this is another way I can help you.  Handling fans is second nature to me.”

 

“I don’t do well with fans, press, people in general.”

 

“We’ll figure out the best way to put you at ease.  It’s straining being in the public eye,  as evidenced by my new residence,” he admitted wryly.

 

Yuuri wrapped his arm around Victor’s waist.  “Not too much longer.”

 

“If I have another good week, your next visit could be taking me home.”

 

“I would love that...but only when you’re ready.”  He leaned into Victor’s side.  He was supposed to be supporting Victor but somehow Victor became his strength.  He closed his eyes, his thoughts tumbling around between guilt and the comfort of Victor’s presence and touch.  A squeeze brought him back.

 

“Now where is this cute little restaurant of which you spoke?” Victor asked with a wink.

 

The walk wasn’t far, just a few blocks, and they entered  [ Chikae Fukuoka ](https://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g298207-d1238126-Reviews-Chikae_Fukuoka-Fukuoka_Fukuoka_Prefecture_Kyushu_Okinawa.html) .  “This place has amazing seafood, very fresh,” Yuuri explained.  They chatted idly while waiting in line before they grabbed a pair of seats at the bar.

 

Victor’s eyes widened, tapping his toes excitedly against the kick bar on the stool as he took in all of the options and the huge tanks.  “Yuuri!”

 

Yuuri laughed in response.  “I knew you’d like it here.  You love trying new foods.”

 

“I think I could eat here every day and not try everything!”

 

They ordered several dishes to share and Victor could almost forget that he had to return to the hospital in only a few more hours.  He knew Yuuri wouldn’t normally come here, as crowded as it was, but he made the exception for Victor.  The older man appreciated it.  They traded dishes back and forth and talked about the flavors, comparing what each of them liked and disliked.

 

Two hours easily passed by, and as they rose from their chairs, their steps were slow.  He had two more hours until they had to head back to the hospital.  Check-in was at six that evening.  Yuuri led him to the canal and they followed it downstream towards the bay and the subway station, unhurried, fingers entwined, leaning into one another’s space.

 

“I don’t want to go back,” Victor murmured as they drew near the station.  “I want to go home with you and snuggle up, watching movies from your little bed.”

 

“We’ll do that the day you come home, Vitya,” he promised.

 

Victor pulled the Japanese man in front of him.  “Yuuuuuchan,” he pouted but then he brushed a kiss against his forehead.  “Thank you.  I know I’m being difficult now but I really appreciate the thought you put into today.  I really appreciate your struggle with the anxiety caused by crowds, and yet you did this for me.”

 

Yuuri dropped his head against the older man’s shoulder.  He knew such public displays were frowned upon but right now, he was focused on Victor, a man who spoke through touch.  And he wanted to meet his partner where he was.  “It should be about you, today.  I know how hard you are working to get better.”

 

“I’ve been doing well on this last run of medication.  I’m hoping it’s good enough to release me and then we can just tweak it as we go along.”

 

“Has Sasaki-sensei talked to you about what will happen after your release?”

 

“She said she wants to meet once a week until she’s certain my moods are stable.  Then she’ll back it off to twice a month.  Isn’t that your schedule?”

 

“Ummm, yeah,” Yuuri said dropping his head, a curious blush rising up in his cheeks.  He dropped his hand and tugged at his fingers, before worrying his sleeve.

 

Victor studied the response and frowned but didn’t push.  Whatever was bothering him, Yuuri would say when he was ready.  The younger man guided him onto the train, fingers brushing against his under the guise of the crowd.  Yuuri didn’t completely shut down but something was off.  What had he said to bring about this sudden change?  Yuuri didn’t appear mad.  Just...closed off.  Like Victor had stepped into personal territory.  Victor’s thoughts bounced around as they held onto the bar.

 

They reached their stop quickly and Yuuri led him off the train.  Pulling out his phone, he murmured, “We still have an hour and a half.”

 

“Okay, can we...I just want to be alone with you.  Is that okay?”

 

Yuuri nodded and considered their location before grabbing hold of his hand.  Their fingers tangled and Victor felt a little relief at the touch.  Yuuri guided him into a park and his eyes widened as he realized where he was at.  “Oh!  This is the one outside the hospital.  I sometimes people-watch out the windows.”

 

“Yes.  We can get back inside pretty quickly.  I’m putting a twenty minute alert  on my phone.”  They walked under the trees until Yuuri pulled him around a corner and suddenly Victor looked around and realized between the trees and the bushes, they were relatively secluded.  In the distance, though, they could hear the squeal of children.

 

Yuuri was quiet.  His steps uncertain.  Victor waited to see if he’d open up.  Finally, he prodded a little.  “Are you upset with me?”

 

“What?  Nonono.  Of course not,” he protested.  “It’s just...I asked you to come here, to deal with your struggles.  And well...I’m seeing Sasaki more often.”  He looked up at Victor uncertainly.  “I’m not ready to talk about it.  Not now.  But I will.”

 

“Okay,” Victor said accepting.  “You’re seeing Sasaki.  So I know you are taking care of yourself.  Remember, we have to do our best for each other.  We promised.”

 

“I’m...trying.  It’s just...not easy.”

 

“I know,” Victor answered quietly taking a step closer to the smaller man.

 

Yuuri glanced up at the approach before stepping into Victor’s space and wrapping his arms around his waist.  As Victor held onto him he realized the other man was trembling.  His arms tightened protectively.  “Don’t be afraid,” he murmured, pressing his cheek against the brunette’s head.  “Not of me.”

 

“N-no, never of you.  It’s just...it’s big.  And I’m afraid.  And it’s not the right time.”  He turned and wiped his eyes into Victor’s shoulder.

 

“Like the kiss.  Okay, we’ll wait.  When you’re ready, I’ll listen and hold you and take care of you.”

 

Yuuri looked up at that promise.  “Vitya…”  And, as if compelled, he brushed a kiss against Victor’s cheekbone.  Victor’s lips opened in surprise as his fingertips went up to the warmth Yuuri left behind.  “I want...more,” the younger man whispered.  “But...I can’t.  I’m not...there’s too much.”

 

Victor nodded accepting the cryptic statement.  “I’ll be home soon,” he promised.

 

Yuuri smiled, sad and soft, but there was a glimmer of hope in his eyes.  “This was supposed to be about you today.”

 

“Perhaps...it was about both of us.  You may be on the outside, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t been bruised in all of this as well.  I...kind of like that we take care of each other.  This isn’t one-sided.”

 

“Me, too,” Yuuri admitted.  The chime went off on his phone and Yuuri sighed regretfully.  “It’s time.”

 

“I know.  Walk me back, Yuuri.  Next time, I hope to come home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters and Victor comes home. I don't know about you but I'm ready for his release!


	32. 5am (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri is nervous about Victor’s coming release but excited at the same time.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of past rape (non-detailed).
> 
> This chapter is emotional. Grab a box of tissues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My writing has been a bit angsty lately. I had to assure BluSkates that I was okay. My characters are struggling though. So I hope all are holding strong. 
> 
> Thanks so much to BluSkates and Magrathea...I know my writing is hard sometimes. I appreciate you both sticking by my side. Soooo many (((hugs))).

* * *

 

[5am](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qge9mS3umFk)

 

 

Yuuri tossed and turned; the nightmares became more and more real as details started filtering into his memories.  Hearing Makkachin’s concerned whimpers, he suddenly shoved up out of the blankets.  The large brown poodle nosed his side in an urge to communicate.  “Thank you, Makka,” he murmured.  “I needed that.”  He lay back and looked at the ceiling.  “How am I going to tell him, Makka?”

 

The ceiling provided no answers, so he pushed himself up and padded down the hall to his own room.  He emerged minutes later in his athletic clothes.  Tiptoeing down the stairs, he slid his feet into trainers.  As he reached for the door, he felt a paw.  Kneeling down, he buried himself into the curls.  “Do you want to go with me?” he murmured.  “I could use the company.”

 

Makka whined softly in reply, lifting a paw onto Yuuri’s shoulder.  The man pulled the leash down and attached it to her harness before guiding her out the door.

 

He ran, slowly for Makka, but he ran.  He ran from the ghosts of his past that had been chasing after him, shadowing his feet.  Yuuri sucked back a sob.  He ran.  He ran from the pain of separation, of Victor’s struggle, of the constant battle with mental illness.  He ran.  He ran from the thoughts that tore him down, that told him he was not enough.  He ran...until he couldn’t run anymore.

 

He found a secluded patch of sand and collapsed down into a heap.  Unfolding himself, he lay back, Makka dropping down next to him and huffing.  “I know...it doesn’t make sense, girl.  I can’t order my thoughts.  I’m going to see Sasaki-sensei later.  Would you like to go with me?  I know...I’m having a hard time.  I don’t relish going alone.”

 

She answered him with a soft “boof” before snuffling his hair.  He laughed softly in response, his fingers tangling into her fur.  “Vitya loves you dearly.  I can see why.”  He blinked back tears.

 

* * *

  


Mari watched from the curb, the smoke curling up into the night air from her cigarette.  She had heard his distress in his sleep, she felt him moving through the house, she had seen him leave, an uneasiness settling in her gut.  When he didn’t return in a reasonable amount of time, she grabbed the keys and drove to find him.  Something was eating at her brother, and she worried it was something more than Victor’s absence.  The figure stood up and turned, his dropping shoulders showing that he saw her.  She flicked her ash and waited.

 

“Mari-neesan,” he whined.  “Why are you here?”

 

“You know, Yuuri, we give you your space so long as you aren’t showing signs of struggle.  What’s going on, little brother?”

 

Yuuri sighed as he guided Makka into the backseat before climbing in next to her.  “It’s nothing,” he muttered, staring out the windshield.

 

Mari raised an eyebrow disbelievingly.  “Fine.  Don’t tell me.  But I’m not the only one keeping an eye on you.”

 

He dropped his eyes to his hands, fidgeting with his sleeve, the edges starting to fray.  “I-I’m getting help,” he admitted.  “I’m seeing Sasaki-sensei twice a week now.”

 

“Is it enough?”

 

Yuuri shrugged and turned towards the side glass.  “I can’t talk about it with anyone else.  Maybe Phichit, but not really.”

 

“Is it about Victor?”

 

“A little yes...but mostly no.”  Yuuri breathed on the glass and drew circles in the fog.

 

His sister leaned back, staring out the windshield.  “Should we be worried?”

 

Yuuri didn’t answer right away.  “I-I’ve been having more nightmares.”

 

“I know,” she stated quietly.  “My room is right below yours and Victor’s room.”

 

“Y-you know I’ve been staying with him?” he asked suddenly, startled out of his thoughts.

 

Mari chuckled softly, feeling some of the tension break.  “Yes, Yuuri.  We all know.  Although watching movies until you pretend to fall asleep together?”  She clicked her tongue, her eyes teasing.  “I know it’s been hard,” she added sobering.  “You don’t have to do it all alone.  We want to help.”

 

Yuuri shrugged, twisting his lips into a sad half-smile.  “It’s...my own fuck up.”

 

Mari barely blinked at the use of profanity, something she rarely heard except when his anxiety was high.  But this didn’t read like anxiety.  “Can we fix it?” she asked.

 

He shook his head.  “I’m trying...to fix me.  I don’t...know how.”

 

She sighed.  “Can you tell me if I promise not to tell mom and dad?”  She turned to study him, reading the doubt in his expression.  “Yuuri, you have more shit on me then I could ever have on you.”

 

“I-it’s awful,” he broke.  He could feel the tears streak down, he knew he needed to talk.  But he was afraid that, once he started, it would all pour out.  Mari slid a hand over his and he stared at that connection.  If he could tell anyone in his family… “It was a party.  On campus…”  The words started to tumble out and he continued until it was all out.  He was doubled over sobbing but he felt his sister’s firm hand circling his back.  Drawing a ragged breath, he sat up, his eyes pleading.  “I haven’t told him.  I know I have to.  He needs to know why I’m so fucked up.”

 

Mari held her fury in check.  If she knew who the scum that hurt her brother was, he would be unable to walk, unable to reproduce.  “Hey, there.  Don’t talk about my baby brother like that,” she chided gently.  “Give it time.  When you’re ready, it’ll come out.  Like tonight.”

 

Yuuri pulled his knees to his chest, resting his cheek on top.  “I hate the nightmares,” he whispered.  “It’s like it happens over and over again.  For the longest time, I didn’t remember the details.  But now that they’ve started coming back, I can’t seem to stop them.”

 

She considered him thoughtfully.  “Do you remember when you were little and you would have nightmares?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “You would check my room for monsters while mom would make me some tea and then tuck me back in singing a song...what was that song?”

 

“Are you asking me to sing it?” she asked wryly.  He smiled weakly and she drew a deep breath.  “Okay, you asked for it.  Just remember.  I’ve been smoking since fourteen.”  She started with a soft hum leading into the lyrics just as their mother would begin.  Then the [ song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxx4z64GH38)wound around him, spinning memories and forgetting them, focusing on living in the present.  Her voice was deeper than that of her mother but the song still warm and soothing.

 

Yuuri leaned back into the seat.  “I think...I can sleep now.  Thank you, Mari-neesan.”

 

“Anytime, little brother,” she said softly.  She turned the keys in the ignition and pulled out onto the street, her brother’s soft snores filling the car as she drove back through town in the quiet early morning streets.  When she arrived home, she shook her head at the sight of her mother waiting next to the door.  Hiroko always gave her children the space they needed but she still worried.  Giving her brother a gentle shake, she murmured, “Why don’t you go to mom and get that tea?”

 

He nodded sleepily, climbing out of the passenger seat and stumbling into his mother’s waiting arms.  Hiroko led him inside as Mari unloaded Makkachin.  “You know you are stuck with both of them,” she muttered at the dog.  Then glancing wistfully towards her brother, she added, “Take good care of them.”  She chuckled at the “boof” the dog offered as an answer.

 

* * *

  


Yuuri sat in the reception of the psychiatrist’s office, Makkachin lying down next to his feet.  Sasaki came out of her office and raised an eyebrow.  “You brought a friend,” she observed.

 

“I think I needed some reinforcement,” Yuuri admitted.

 

“Come inside.  I already have you a cup of tea steeping.  Let’s see if we can put you at ease.”

 

“Thank you,” he responded, giving a gentle tug on the leash.  Makka fell into step with him as he went into the familiar space and curled up into the overstuffed chair.  “Makkachin is Victor’s dog.  She misses him, too.”

 

Sasaki raised an eyebrow as she placed the cup on the table next to him.  “Is that why you are struggling?  His absence?”

 

“No...it’s about his eventual coming home.  He says it may be this weekend.”

 

She smiled but offered no information.  “What about his coming home has you worried?”

 

“H-how do I know it’s okay to tell him?”

 

She studied the Japanese man as he picked at the hem of his shirt, his eyes glued to his hands, his shoulders curved inward.  “I told Mari,” he finally whispered.

 

“You told your sister.  How did you know it was okay to tell her?”

 

“Be-because she makes it safe.  And she found me when I was upset.  I knew she’d get it out of me eventually.  So it’s sometimes best to come clean.”

 

“Sometimes.  But would you have told her if you weren’t ready to talk about it?”

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “I didn’t...tell anyone.  For a long time.  Not until right before I came to see you.  It just...it was too much.”  He looked up, tears stinging his eyes.  “What if it’s too much at the wrong time and I tell Victor and h-he ends up worse?”

 

“Yuuri, you are not the cause of his depression anymore than he’s the cause of your anxiety.”

 

“I don’t want to add to his stress,” Yuuri pressed.

 

She sighed, staring over her teacup.  “Lack of communication adds stress.  When you are ready, you will talk about it.  With whomever you need to talk about it.”

 

Yuuri rubbed his ear, a self-comforting action Sasaki noticed.  “S-so I shouldn’t worry about it?”

 

“No, you should take care of yourself.  And if that means talking to a trusted friend or family member, so be it.”

 

“H-he’s more than a friend, you know,” Yuuri admitted with a blush.

 

“I know,” she answered.  “Now, let’s talk about you.  What do you want to work on?”

 

Yuuri sighed.  “The nightmares…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So next chapter...Victor does come home.


	33. Supermarket Flowers (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor is released from the hospital. A new song and determination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming home...and it's time.
> 
> Thanks so much for your support, BluSkates and Magrathea! I know I've been on a Semicolon writing binge!

* * *

 

[ Supermarket Flowers ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIB8EWqCPrQ)

 

Victor stood by the window, antsy.  His clothes were packed.  His papers were organized.  He just had to wait for Yuuri.  They were going to walk to Sasaki-sensei’s office to discuss his care at Victor’s request.  He wanted someone else aware of his medication who could navigate the language barrier.  He wanted that someone to be Yuuri.

 

He spotted Yuuri in the crowd, his poodle eagerly tugging at the leash as they navigated the last few steps to the hospital.  Gathering his duffel, he walked to the nurses’ station and waited.  A cheery bark told him that Yuuri was on the floor.  Victor was buzzed through the exit and stepped before Yuuri.  “I made it.”

 

Yuuri studied him warmly.  “Are you ready for this?”

 

“Yes.  Sasaki-sensei wanted us to come by her office after you picked me up.”

 

“Then let’s go.   I drove so we can put your bags in the back of the SUV.”

 

“Thank you,” Victor responded, gratitude punctuating his words.  A quarter of an hour later, Victor’s bags were stowed and they were taking the elevator to the psychiatrist’s floor.  “Yuuri...I’m not well.”

 

“I know, Vitya.  Depression, like anxiety, can be a life sentence.  However, you will learn better how to take care of yourself.  You already have learned some ways.”  They exited the elevator and Yuuri led the way into Sasaki’s office.  She came out and greeted them.  “Come in.  I’ve been catching up on charting while I waited on you to arrive.”  She led them into her office and motioned for them to take a seat.  Soon, they had warm mugs of tea in their hands and she sat across from them.

 

Yuuri leaned forward to open the conversation.  “Victor has told me that he wants me to be involved in his accountability.  But I think…”  He hesitated looking at Victor.  “I think this should be a two way street.  I know you are going to talk to us about Victor’s medications and his self-care needs.  Strategies that he’s found success with.  I want...to do the same.  I want to share my medication information as well as my care.  In fact, it’s necessary since he will be traveling with me in competition.  I’ve already kept one coach in the dark and it proved disastrous.  So, I want to be completely open about my anxiety.”

 

Sasaki studied the two men before her before agreeing.  “Very well, I’ve got consent forms for you both to sign that will allow me to legally share the information with your...partner?”

 

They shared looks and Yuuri glanced down shyly, blush creeping up his cheeks.  Victor spoke up.  “We haven’t discussed the nature of our relationship but...I think partner is a good word for it.”

 

Yuuri glanced up at him then dropped his head once more but as Victor threaded his fingers through his, he nodded in agreement.  They filled out the consent papers in front of them with Yuuri clarifying a few of the statements.  Finally handing them over, she laid out the charts that explained Victor’s medications, the drug interactions, the timing, and the possible side effects.  Victor commented on the dry mouth that he noticed and she made note of it.  Then came Yuuri’s charts.  Victor’s eyes widened.  Yuuri was on two medications for his anxiety, one in case he has a panic attack, and one antidepressant.  Yuuri explained that he had them mixed in with his nutrition supplements in a container and promised he’d help Victor organize his in a similar manner.

 

“I actually have a pill case that makes me think of Vicchan or Makkachin.  We should get you something like Hello Kitty to make it different,” Yuuri teased.

 

Victor laughed.  “Okay.  Pink is my favorite color.”

 

Once their timing was worked out and both had a better understanding of their medication plan, they moved onto alternative remedies.  Victor talked about his journaling and his need to check in.  Yuuri told Victor about his breathing and the signs of panic as well as his known triggers.  But he warned Victor that sometimes it happens without warning, that his thoughts become jumbled and can take him down a false path.  They talked about different ways to ground one another, Victor’s need for touch, Yuuri’s need for voice and permission before touch when he’s panicking.

 

“What kind of touch helps?” Victor asked.

 

Yuuri demonstrated with the comforting circles on his hands and then rubbed circles onto his back.  “And just keep talking to me, soft easy tones.  The important part is to keep calm.  When I’m like that, I get upset when I think I’m bothering or upsetting other people...like they won’t want to be around me after I crash.”

 

“Yuuri…”

 

The younger man shrugged.  “I can’t help it.  Like I said.  False paths.”

 

Victor finally asked the doctor, “How often do you think I should come in?”

 

“I think...two days a week to start.  I was leaning towards one but you two are dedicated to supporting each other.”

 

“And I come twice a week,” Yuuri murmured.  “Some days are harder than others.”

 

“Of course.  I’ll be here for you,” Victor promised.  Turning to Sasaki, he added, “Yes, set my appointments with Yuuri’s.  I’m sure I need to continue talking about my...biological family.”

 

Sasaki smiled in acknowledgement.  “There will be plenty to talk about.  Okay, I’ll line your appointments up.  That means I’ll see you both on Monday.  It’s soon but...that might be a good thing.”

 

* * *

  
  


Victor climbed out of the SUV and looked around.  Friday in Hasetsu was a calm, almost relaxed atmosphere.  People were walking or driving home to their families.  The regulars were finishing up at the onsen.  As Yuuri led Victor in, they caught the tail end of the dinner rush.  

 

“Welcome home,” Hiroko called out from the kitchen door.  Mari waved after she delivered a meal.

 

“Oh, they could use some help,” Victor observed.

 

“I’ll grab an apron and help Mari.  Why don’t you go into the kitchen and see what mom needs?”

 

Victor nodded, thankful his part was a little less chaotic.  He walked around the perimeter of the room until he came to the kitchen door.  Opening, he greeted Hiroko.  “Hello, Mama, how can I help?”

 

She looked up cheerfully.  “I can always use a dishwasher.”

 

Victor chuckled and pulled on the full apron before stepping in front of the sink.  He listened to her humming as he washed and dried each dish.  Every so often, Yuuri or Mari would arrive with the dishes from a bussed table.  Yuuri’s arrival would include a brush of hands that would cause a rush of warmth under the older man’s skin.

 

“You seem happy,” Hiroko hummed handing him another pot.

 

“It’s strange.  How could doing dishes make me so happy when I was miserable doing what I loved?”

 

“Doing what you love can only make you happy if you are with the ones you love,” she answered as she whisked a pan.  “So many people think that if they do what they love, they will be miraculously happy.  But it’s only part of it.  You have to find your people, your family.  That’s how you find happiness.”

 

Victor frowned for a moment.  “I’ve spent my life trying to forget about my family.”

 

“Family isn’t forgettable.  And family isn’t always the ones that brought us into the world.  Some find family in the strangest places, the furthest corners of the world.  Don’t you agree, Vicchan?”

 

A smile ghosted Victor’s lips.  “I do indeed, Mama.”

 

Once the evening crowd cleared, Victor and Hiroko joined the rest of the gathered group for family dinner.  Family dinner on the weekend included the waitstaff and a few stragglers.  Minako would come in before working at her bar.  Sometimes Yuuko, Takeshi, and the girls would show up.  And various other family members would show up.  A random cousin.  The gay uncle from across the bay with his partner.  Yuuri’s grandparents.  Various friends of Mari.  This night was no exception.  And Victor...fit right in.

 

Thanks to Ami-san, he followed the conversation better than before, even contributing some.  Yuuri or Mari stayed close by, in case he struggled, but Victor felt a sense of comfort and home settle around him.  As the evening broke up, the boys were run off by Hiroko.  They climbed the stairs, fingers tangling together.

 

“Did you still want that movie?” Yuuri asked as they paused in the hall.

 

Victor sighed, contentment settling in his chest.  “I don’t want to be somewhere other than with you.  A movie will be fine.”

 

“How about...listening to something with me.”

 

Yuuri tugged his hand.  “We talked about my free skate...and well, I commissioned another biographical piece.  It’s from the same artist as before.  But, as you said, it was incomplete.”  He settled Victor onto his bed and scuttled through the items on the surface of his desk before he returned with a splitter jack and a second set of earphones.  “I haven’t listened to it yet.  I wanted to hear it with you.”  Yuuri’s eyes glittered with excitement.

 

Victor accepted the earpieces and tucked them into his ears.  Yuuri selected the song and they were surrounded by the delicate dance of fingers on a  [ piano ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwvF1Lgh61w) .  Yuuri watched Victor as he closed his eyes, marking time with his chin, his fingers dancing unconsciously through the air.  “You see it, don’t you?”

 

Victor nodded with a smile.  “I do see it.  I can see you dancing beautifully across the ice with this piece.  This...is you, Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri’s eyes brightened as he settled next to Victor, his head dropping against the older man’s shoulder, his fingers winding into the slender, pale hand, arms wrapping around Victor’s arms.  As the song came to a close, they restarted it...several times.  Finally, Yuuri pulled one earpiece away, allowing the music to tick over to the next song.  “The first time Ketty wrote it, I didn’t express myself well.  I told her that I wanted a song to represent my skating career.  At the time...my life...I wasn’t happy.  I had just come out of the hospital for the third time.  I...retreated to the ice and the ice became me for a long time, freezing into my veins.  I withdrew more from people...other skaters, students.  Ciao Ciao was worried and I know he called and talked to my parents and Minako.  Phichit tried to reach me.  I...was lost.  I think...coming home...I’m starting to wake up.  And you are part of that…”

 

“Just as you are part of my awakening,” Victor murmured softly.  “I want to support you, Yuuri, as you’ve supported me.  I hope you know that.”

 

He pulled himself in, making himself smaller in the shelter of Victor’s reach.  “It’s hard, you know, to let someone in...especially after closing everyone else out after so long.  But I’m trying, Vic...Vitya.”

 

“I think...that’s all we can do.  Try.  I’m trying, too.  My biggest fear right now is failing...and what you will think of me.”

 

“We all fall short from time to time.  I’m the king of failure.  When I fail, it is almost always most spectacularly with an audience.  Vitya?”  He looked up through his lashes though not lifting his face from Victor’s shoulder.  He waited until Victor turned and met his eyes.  “Just don’t give up.  On me...or yourself.”

 

“I won’t, Yuuri.  I promise.  For once, I feel...family.”

 

Yuuri’s eyes closed, resting next to Victor.  Victor thought he had fallen asleep when Yuuri began speaking softly.  “I had it...all along.  I just failed to see it.  Too much.  Thoughts poisoning my head.  I pulled away.  Sometimes I retreat too far.  I was...afraid I couldn’t find my way out.  But you have always been a ground for me.  When I couldn’t find my way out, I’d skate my way out, digging one of your old routines out of my memory.  I know them as well as my own.”

 

“Perhaps we can help keep the other from retreating so far this time.”

 

“Perhaps...as long as we keep trying.”  Yuuri paused, digging for courage.  “Vitya?”

 

“Yes, Yuuri…”  Victor’s voice hummed softly with sleepiness.

 

Yuuri sat up, hanging tight to Victor’s hand, ducking his head down shyly.  “Will you...sleep with me tonight?  I-I’ve missed your closeness.”

 

Victor gasped.  “I...wanted to.  I wasn’t sure where we stood.  I didn’t want to assume.”

 

Yuuri turned away, his cheeks pink from the admission.  “We’ve always used the excuse of falling asleep watching a movie or talking.  I...want you to stay.”  With that last line, he turned and held Victor’s eyes with determination.

 

“Oh Yuuri,” Victor murmured.  He had been so afraid of rushing Yuuri that he never thought the little excuses and invitations the younger man invented were his own shy way of calling out to him.  A smile tugged at his lips as he pulled Yuuri back to him.

 

Yuuri leaned in, tucking himself under Victor’s chin.  “I’m not...ready for anything else.  But I will be...eventually.”

 

“We have all the time in the world.”  Victor rested his cheek on Yuuri’s head and held onto him, embracing the moment as much as the man.

 

They reluctantly parted, seeking out pajamas.  Victor returned to Yuuri’s room settling next to the wall and pulling Yuuri back to his chest, brushing his lips through the brunette’s hair.  A contented sigh slipped from the younger man’s lips.  “Good night, Vitya.”

 

“Good night, Yuuchan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...thoughts? :)


	34. Scars to Your Beautiful  (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tentative reaching out by Yuuri...but he's afraid.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Memories of a past rape (first paragraph only).

* * *

 

[ Scars to Your Beautiful ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWfjlIMiqBg)

 

* * *

 

TRIGGER WARNING:  Memories of a past rape (first paragraph only).

 

* * *

 

 

_He felt hands on him, fingers inside him, unwelcome, a turning in his stomach.  He had to get away and he fought against them.  But he was lightheaded.  Dizzy.  Something was wrong and he couldn’t figure out how to escape._

 

Yuuri jerked in his sleep, a whine leaving his lips.  Gentle hands started soothing him along with a soft voice near his ear, but they were crowded out by the dream.  In Yuuri’s fear, he fought the other man, mistaking kind hands that loved for the ones from his past that caused pain.  Suddenly he sat up, his body drenched in sweat.  Turning uncertainly, he met concerned blue eyes.  He bent over his knees, hands on his face as he keened, the bitter tears falling.  Victor didn’t know what to do so he ran his hand up and down Yuuri’s back trying to give him space but maintaining a connection until Yuuri invited his closeness.

 

“Yuuri, slow your breathing down.  Breathe with me.  In and out.  That’s good.  Keep it up,” he continued to guide and encourage the younger man until Yuuri’s breathing settled.

 

Yuuri stared listlessly across the darkened room, the shadows watching from the corners.  He felt defeated.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

 

“Don’t apologize for your pain.  That’s one thing everyone told me while in the hospital.  I should never apologize for my pain.  You are allowed to feel what is true to you.”

 

Yuuri swallowed uncertainly, keeping his eyes averted and focused on the folds of fabric from his quilt.  “I thought...that if you were here, the nightmares would stay away.”

 

Victor leaned forward to try and catch a glimpse of his expression.  “Are these...nightmares why you are spending extra time in therapy?”

 

Yuuri sighed then nodded.  “More or less.  It’s part of it.”

 

Running his free hand through his hair, he thinned his lips.  A glance from Yuuri told him that Victor had his suspicions.  “You don’t have to tell me, Yuuri...not unless you want to.  But I will listen if you need to talk.”

 

Yuuri studied the shadows of the room uneasily.  Finally, he murmured, “I don’t want to talk.  Not now.  Too many shadows.  I just...will you hold me?”

 

“Of course,” Victor responded enfolding him in his arms.  Yuuri turned into them and buried his face into Victor’s shoulder.  “It’s okay, Yuuri.  I’ve got you.  Whoever hurt you can’t get to you now.”

 

Yuuri drew a ragged breath with that last sentence.  He knew he was trembling.  Victor didn’t even know what had happened but he seemed to be filling in the blanks.   _How will you react when I tell you?  I’m so afraid.  I don’t want to lose you._

 

Victor continued his soothing motions, his hands now making circles on the younger man’s back.  The firm motion relaxed him, giving him something to focus on.  Yuuri grabbed hold of Victor’s shirt and buried himself into the fabric.  He felt those arms tighten around him protectively.

 

* * *

  


The next morning they walked slowly through the twilight towards the rink with their fingers entwined.  Yuuri paused as their path trailed by the beach and felt Victor’s arms wrap around him from behind as they watched the ocean lap at the beach, the tops of the waves suddenly lighting on fire with the dawn rays.  “I love you,” he whispered, the cool air still holding the sense of intimacy.

 

Victor’s arms tightened around him.  “I love you, too, _zolotse_ ,” he whispered next to Yuuri’s ear and was rewarded with a shiver in response.

 

“I’m afraid,” Yuuri confessed quietly.

 

“Of us?”

 

“Of...losing us.”

 

Victor brushed a kiss into Yuuri’s hair.  “I’m not going anywhere, _lyubov moya_ ,” he responded.  “You saved my life with your love.  You give it meaning.”

 

Yuuri took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “What if...it’s so terrible you don’t want me anymore?”

 

“There is nothing you could tell me that would push me away,” Victor responded his voice full of emotion.  “You are beautiful even in your pain.  I never want to cause you pain, but I accept your scars...just as you accept mine.”

 

Yuuri’s breath sharpened as tears clawed at his throat.  Victor drew around him and Yuuri buried his face into Victor’s shoulder.  Tears dampened the fabric as Yuuri continued to cry in his embrace.  Victor didn’t waver.  He may not be good with tears but he could hold this man.

 

Finally Yuuri pulled away, studying his shoes and the ground around them.  “I-I think I want to go skate.”

 

Victor thinned his lips but draped his arm around Yuuri’s shoulders.  “Of course, my Yuuri.  Let’s go.”

 

* * *

  


An hour later, Yuuri warmed up on the ice beside Victor.  He allowed the coldness of the air to freeze out his pain.  Victor would cast his eyes full of concern towards Yuuri but the younger man would lift his chin and steel his nerves.  Sighing, Victor allowed himself to fall behind a little on the ice, watching Yuuri skate before him, the push and pull of his muscles.  As Victor realized the direction of his thoughts, he felt the blush creep into his neck and up onto his cheeks.

 

Yuuri turned on his skates and caught the tail end of that blush.  He averted his eyes momentarily disconcerted.  “ _Eros_ or do you want to work on the new program?”

 

“Let me see _Eros_ and we’ll pull it apart and see what we need to work on.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Yakov has been giving me guidance.  He offered...I hope you didn’t mind.”

 

“Oh, Yuuri...if I trust you in anyone’s hands, it would be Yakov’s,” Victor answered warmly.

 

“It’s just that...when I told him where you were, he offered.  I think...he needed to know he was doing something to help you.”

 

A smile touched Victor’s lips.  “I often underestimate the depth of care in the old man.  He has a hard time showing it.  I think...talking through my depression, I’ve become more aware of those who have watched over me through the years...despite those who tried to tear me down.”

 

“There are so many who care about you,” Yuuri murmured.  “And Chris and Yakov are so protective of you.”

 

“Sometimes...I think life deals us the wrong hand...that maybe we are born to the wrong people.  I wonder...what life would have been like if I had been born to someone like Yakov and Lilia or your parents.”

 

Yuuri contemplated those worlds a moment.  “Do you think...it would make a difference in your depression?”

 

Victor considered the words.  “I would still struggle with it.  Part of it is a chemical imbalance.  But part of it is due to things I’ve never dealt with...I’m starting to.  Deal with it, that is.  Now.”

 

Yuuri studied the patterns he was leaving behind in the ice.  “I-I am starting to, as well.  It’s hard.  I thought...if I ignored it, denied it, then it never happened.”  Yuuri then quieted.

 

Victor studied him and waited but Yuuri didn’t share any more.  “When you’re ready,” he whispered with a gentle brush of his fingers down Yuuri’s cheek, before skating back to the boards.

 

Yuuri studied him thinking, _ready to skate? Or ready to talk?  With Victor, it could be both.  How is it that you are in my life?_

 

He moved into position, closing his eyes as he centered his thoughts onto the story.  The beautiful woman…


	35. Safe and Sound (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor works with Yuuri to choreograph the new skate.
> 
>  
> 
> Trigger Warning: References to past rape (last scene, three paragraphs, non-graphic).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know! Two chapters in one day! They were both short and seemed to partner together. So I decided to give you both. Enjoy!

* * *

 

[ Safe and Sound ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fclJMBEGSfI)

 

* * *

Trigger Warning:  References to past rape (last scene, three paragraphs, non-graphic).

* * *

 

 

Victor watched as Yuuri transformed into the beautiful woman persona and danced before him on the ice.   _ How is it that you can show such sweet seduction, innocence and allure wrapped up in one person?  You think you don’t have it, that you can’t seduce me.  But you’ve stolen my heart and I can’t do anything but chase after you.  I hope you won’t push me away. _

 

Yuuri held  his finishing pose for a beat then skated towards him, uncertainty written across his face.   _ Oh, Yuuri.  You do not know how beautiful you are. _  He braked next to the boards chewing on his lower lip.   _ This is why your lips are always so chapped.  _  Reaching in his pocket, Victor pulled out the lip balm.  “Here.  Let’s protect those lips.”  Yuuri blushed at the familiar touch as slender fingers smoothed the salve over the supple surface.  “There.  Much better.”  He pocketed the jar and studied the man before him.  “Your step sequences and choreography hasn’t suffered in my absence.  We’ll need to work on your jumps, though.”

 

“I’ve been working through the drills.  I’m good through triples...”  Yuuri faded out, glancing at his feet, that uncertainty entering his body language again.

 

_ Oh, Yuuri, your confidence...once again.  I wonder where we’d be if I didn’t have to go in the hospital.  No, I can’t think like that.  The hospital was where I needed to be.  Where Yuuri wanted me to be so I’d get better. _  He smiled with encouragement.  “I know I push quads, but triple-triple combos…”

 

“Yes.  I know I can get by with them,” Yuuri stated with irritation, impatience quivering through him.  “But...I want to be able to do the other.  I want to add to my skillset.  Don’t give up on me.”

 

Victor smiled.  “Of course not.  We’ll keep working at it.  But a back up plan is always good.  Any given skate can force a change.”

 

Yuuri looked up sharply.  “Is that what you do?”

 

“Well, no,” Victor answered, running his hand through his hair in embarrassment.  “I did when I was younger.  But, no.”  Victor blushed at being pushed on this topic.  “But you...can be better than me,” he added, his voice softening.

 

Yuuri shook his head, turning away.  “I don’t think so.  But I’ll keep trying.”

 

Victor sighed.  Perhaps it was time to change the focus.  “Let’s listen to your new music.  Show me what you’ve got in mind.”

 

“M-me?”  Yuuri’s eyes widened.

 

Victor nodded, a grin making its appearance.  “Yes, you.  I know that you’ve got ideas.”

 

“But you see it...already,” he protested.

 

Victor placed his hands on Yuuri’s shoulder and held fast to his eyes.  “I have ideas...and I can merge our ideas if needed.  But this is  _ your  _ story.   _ You  _ should tell it.”

 

“I don’t know…”  Victor watched Yuuri’s hand rub behind his neck in his uncertainty.

 

“Just let me see what you have in mind,” Victor encouraged.  “Skate freeform to your music.  Let your body become the music.”

 

Yuuri thinned his lips and nodded sharply.  Turning, he skated to the center of the ice and waited in a starting position.   Victor pressed play and watched as Yuuri surrendered to the  [ music ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwvF1Lgh61w) .  Victor watched the story unfold, the faltering steps, the internal fight, the feeling of aloneness.  Then he watched how things slowly changed as Yuuri accepted him into his world, awakening to his...love?  God, how he loved this man.  Yuuri settled into a spin with the final movement, his hand reaching towards Victor.

 

Victor’s lips parted.  If he had any doubt of how Yuuri felt towards him, it would have been put to rest by the movement of Yuuri’s blades.  He watched the younger man skate towards him even as he felt his own expression draw into a smile.  He opened his arms, reaching around Yuuri and pulling him into an embrace.  “Oh, my Yuuri.  That was a beautiful start.  Let’s talk about what elements we’ll introduce.”

 

The time passed quickly and soon Yuuri was on the ice drilling the routine into muscle memory, making adjustments as Victor called them out.  Victor watched how Yuuri responded to his words, and when Victor skated out to him, to his touch.  Victor found his smile came much more easily in Yuuri’s presence.  And then his laughter followed.

 

As the day closed out, they walked out, a hard day behind them but with two programs in order.  “This was a good day,” Victor stated.  “In so many ways.”

 

Yuuri cast his eyes to the ground before him, a shy smile in place.

 

“Let’s go home by way of the beach.  We can catch the sun as it drops below the horizon,” Victor suggested.  He tangled his fingers into Yuuri’s and tugged him along.  They stopped as they drew near the sand and cut across the grass.  As Victor took his seat on the high ground, he pulled Yuuri around to settle between his legs, wrapping his arms around him from behind.   He could feel Yuuri relax in his hold even as he nuzzled the hair next to Yuuri’s ear.  “I want to kiss you,” he confessed.

 

Yuuri’s eyes shifted down and Victor could feel an uncertain tension in Yuuri’s body.

 

“You don’t have to if you don’t want.  I understand.”

 

“It’s not that...I don’t want to,” Yuuri murmured.  “It’s just...not yet, please.”  His voice was almost pleading.

 

“You need more time.  Okay, Yuuri.”  Victor tightened his arms around the man to reassure him that it really was okay.

  
  


* * *

TRIGGER WARNING - Alludes to past rape.  
  


* * *

 

Victor woke for the second time that week to Yuuri’s nightmares.  He tried once more to talk soothingly to the man, humming a lullaby his nannie had sung to him.  The soft tune seemed to settle him for a moment and Victor nearly fell back to sleep when he felt Yuuri’s movements, body jerking in a struggle.   _ He’s fighting someone.  _  Closing his eyes, Victor drew a ragged breath.   _ Someone’s hurt my baby.  _  Wrapping his arms around Yuuri, he said firmly, “I’ve got you.  You’re safe.  Nobody can hurt you now.”

 

The tears came, even in his sleep.  His words slipped free of the dream and into the night air.  “Stop.  Please.  Don’t.  I don’t.  Want this.”

 

Victor swallowed each word, each short phrase, feeling them like knives in his heart.   _ Oh, my Yuuri.  How could anyone hurt you?  My sweet Yuuri. _  And through his thoughts came his tears, crying for the man who now settled into his arms, who finally relaxed as the dream released its hold on him.   _ I know you are afraid to tell me.  But I’m strong enough to hold us both up.  I can do this, my Yuuri.  I can be the man you need me to be.  Please trust me. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to Magrathea and BluSkates! I know sometimes I write like I'm running out of time. I can't help it when the muse is present! 
> 
> I hope the rest of you are enjoying this. Let me hear in the comments below!


	36. Give Me Love (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri and Victor work out the design for his free skate costume and commission its creation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, Magrathea and BluSkates, for your steady eyes on this.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy the fluffiness!

* * *

 

[ Give Me Love ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQJs-ipDf6o)

 

Yuuri walked into the room and was startled to find Victor seated with a sketchbook.  “You draw?”

 

Victor chuckled.  “I draw.  I partially compose my own music.  My fingers have been involved in almost every aspect of my programs.”

 

“I...didn’t know that,” Yuuri stated surprised.  This was definitely something missed by the fans.  “What are you working on?”

 

“An idea for your free skate costume.  I think it should represent you just as the song.  Understated.  Reserved.  Elegant.  But then some surprising details.”

 

Yuuri crawled over onto the sofa beside him, crossing his legs into a pretzel as he looked over the sketchpad.  He could see a light penciled outline of his body and hair waiting for the details of the costume.  “Maybe something blue,” Yuuri suggested.  “But some violet to tie to you.”

 

A soft smile played against Victor’s lips.  “I think maybe something with a suit lapel.  Although you don’t remember it, I truly met you at the banquet.”

 

“But not overly masculine,” Yuuri added, then glanced down studying his hands.  “I sometimes like things a little softer.  But subtle.”

 

Victor smiled thoughtfully.  “Let me see.  Something to accent your waist.  Hmmm.  I’ve got an idea.”  Victor began sketching, starting with the lines of a suit jacket but then adding in details.  A fleur de lis in the panel.  A twist in the fabric at  the front.  Basic navy skate pants, all the glitz up top but understated elegance.  “I want this part, the black, to be sheer but the details will add the modesty back in.  Because overall, you tend towards modesty.  It should speak of shy elegance, of maturity, of growth.”  He finished adding in color “What do you think?”

 

Yuuri’s eyes widened.  “This is...wow.  I love it.”

 

Victor preened.  “Thank you.  Now to find someone who can make it.  Who’s done your costumes in the past?”

 

“There’s a place in Fukuoka.  They have my measurements from last year.”

 

“Let’s pay a visit.  We need to have your other costume altered to fit you appropriately.  You are shorter, and while it’s only a few inches the waist and hips don’t sit properly on you.  You are more slender than me.”

 

Yuuri fidgeted.  “But I gain weight.  Easily.”

 

“And you know how to lose it.  You are beautiful either way.  I hope you know that.”

 

“I...don’t...okay.  But…”

 

“And as hard as you’re working, I know you will be fine.”

 

Yuuri frowned but nodded.  “Okay.  We’ll take it in for adjustments.”

 

Victor reached an arm around the smaller man and pulled him into a side hug.  “Don’t worry.  We’ve got this.  You’ve got this.  Now, you have a contact for me?”

 

Yuuri nodded, pulling out his phone.  He texted the contact to the Russian and the other man smiled cheerily.  They made the call together and soon made arrangements to meet the couturier for costume fitting and creation.

 

* * *

  
  
  


Yuuri parked the car often used to pick up guests for the inn.  It was not in use today so Yuuri and Victor borrowed it for their errand in Fukuoka.  The brick structure reminded Yuuri of the brownstones he saw in Detroit.  He knocked and was soon admitted by one of the couturier's assistants.

 

She came out of her workshop, pencil shoved through her bun, a pincushion wrist bracelet on her arm and a tape measure draped around her neck.  Her face belied her age for she hadn’t changed much in appearance since Yuuri had first visited her shop with Minako years ago.  “Hello, Katsuki-san,” she greeted.  “This is your coach?”

 

“Yes, Akari-san,” he greeted with a small shy smile.  “Victor Nikiforov, Akari-san has created most of my costumes.”

 

“Hello,” Victor responded, his charm in place.  “It’s a pleasure to meet you.  I’ve looked over Yuuri’s past costumes and your workmanship is superior.”

 

She smirked but acquiesced.  She knew his type.  All charm and accustomed to getting what he wanted.  “Arigato, Nikiforov-san.”

 

Victor’s smile faltered uncertainly for a fraction of a second before he continued.  “I have a sketch of what we have in mind.”  Victor reached into the folder and pulled out her sketch.

 

“Oh, this will look elegant on Katsuki-san.”  She thinned her lips thoughtfully.  “Let’s see.”  She pulled down several bolts of fabric, spandex in dark blues, black tulle, and some lilacs and violets in spandex.  “This for the undershirt,” she indicated the latter.  “We pick from the blues for pants and jacket.  Then the black chiffon for insert.  And I think we pull in the shade from shirt for the applique.  Good?”

 

Victor grinned.  “Yes.”

 

“Come, Katsuki-san.  Measurements first, then colors.”  Soon she had his numbers and was holding up the fabrics to look at them against his skin glancing back at Victor for confirmation.  With the blues selected, she moved to the lavenders and violets until she found the correct shade for both his skin and to compliment the already determined blue.  “Go.  Put on the costume to be fitted.  This is a remake?”

 

“It’s one of my old costumes,” Victor supplied.

 

“I can cut, yes?”

 

“Yes.  Maintain the integrity of the design, but fit it to Yuuri.”

 

She nodded and soon he was back up on the pedestal pinning the fabric.  “Okay.  You need help to change?” she asked, glancing back at Victor.  “So you don’t mess with pins?”

 

Yuuri’s lips parted in surprise.  “I umm...I can manage.  Thank you.”  He disappeared into the dressing room while Victor ironed out the details of the second fitting with Akari.  When Yuuri emerged, Victor was waiting patiently while he handed the costume over to her care.

 

Yuuri mulled over his reaction to her question. _It’s not like we haven’t seen each other naked.  But...he hasn’t undressed me.  He hasn’t...seen me undress.  Not really.  Why is it...oh...because when it happened,_ he _did it._ He _pulled them off me._ Yuuri looked up surprised at the comforting hand on his back and it wasn’t until then he realized his breathing was becoming erratic and Victor was watching him with concern.

 

“Is everything alright?” he asked.

 

Yuuri ran a mental check before nodding hesitantly.  “I...got caught up in a memory.”

 

“It must not have been a good one.  Do you want to take a breather before we grab lunch?”

 

“Yes, please.  Someplace quiet.”

 

They walked to a nearby park, and Victor found a quiet corner where they sat down in the grass, legs butterflied.  Victor then took his hands.  “When I was in the hospital, one of the things we talked about was how to curtail spiraling thoughts before they took hold.  I liked the meditation rooms just fine, but I found I preferred meditating in the gardens, finding a quiet place to focus on me.”

 

“Did it help?  The meditating?  I always dance.  Or skate.”

 

“I made that argument as well but the therapist, Hashimoto, I believe.  He is an intern.  He suggested I have an alternative plan for when I don’t have those things available.  I didn’t think I’d like it but I am finding that it is helping me to learn how to settle my thoughts.”

 

“Mine start...taking me over.”

 

Victor hummed thoughtfully.  “The act of meditation should help a person to gain control of that with practice.  Perhaps you can practice with me?”  He held Yuuri’s eyes until he received an uncertain nod from the younger man.  Tapping his lips, he seemed to be recounting the steps.  “This is the basic idea.  We find a place to sit like this.  Then we close our eyes and focus on our breathing.  After a bit, our mind is going to start to wander.  I worried about that at first.  I thought I was doing it wrong.  But you bring it back to focus by gently bringing your thoughts back to your breathing.  Yes, you’ll realize your mind wandered but you’ll also start refocusing.  You keep that up until your mind is calm.  I now spend at least twenty minutes but usually closer to half an hour working on this.”

 

“So, I just breathe.”

 

Victor nodded.  “Yes.  We left so early this morning, I didn’t get the opportunity to do this.  Perhaps we can start now?”

 

Victor purposefully led Yuuri into the meditation with focus on their breathing.  They maintained silence for twenty minutes.  Yuuri could feel his thoughts slip away.  He could feel restlessness start to cause him to wiggle.  But when he peeked, Victor still sat serene before him.  Yuuri straightened his form and reset himself and would start once again.  Although he wasn’t sure how well he succeeded, after about twenty minutes, his mind was calmer and he felt more able to deal with people in a restaurant.

 

“Are you ready?” Victor asked as he held out his hand, helping Yuuri to his feet.

 

“Yes, thank you.”

 

After dropping into a shop for Hakata Ramen, they soon returned to the car, Yuuri a little steadier after Victor's care.  The afternoon was reserved for skating as the rink was closed to the general public that day.  Yuuri could feel the improvement in his routines, but he still didn’t feel confident in the programs.  Especially the new one.  Victor patiently drilled him until he made them break for dinner.

 

* * *

  
  


“Yuuuuriii.”  The Japanese man opened his eyes from where he was leaning quietly in the corner of the dance studio to see Minako standing over him.  He had been working through the _Yuri on Ice_ choreography and she caught him on a break.

 

“What’s up, Minako?”

 

“Where’s Victor?”

 

“He’s taking some personal time this afternoon.  I told him I wanted to spend some time in the studio.”

 

“It’s good that you take some time for yourself,” she agreed.

 

“I just needed some quiet time.  You know how I am.”  He watched her twist her foot as if she had something else.  He waited.  Finally she spilled.

 

“There is some interest in a modern dance class.  Would you be interested in helping me out with it?”

 

Yuuri raised an eyebrow.  “Are you behind on your skills?”

 

She opened her mouth in mock surprise.  Then rolling her eyes, she shrugged.  “I just know yours are more up to date.  You can bring in hip hop and other modern influences.  It’s one night a week and it’s no problem if you are out of town.”

 

He gracefully pushed up off the floor.  “I suppose...since you let me use the studio at my discretion, I could do this thing for you,” he stated with amusement.  “As long as it doesn’t interfere with my skating.  What’s the age group?”

 

“Mixed.  And mix in skill.  We’ll be using the large studio.”

 

Yuuri raised an eyebrow in surprise.  “What night?”

 

“Mondays.”

 

“That’s...in three days.  Do you have a choreography in mind?”

 

“Something.  Do you want to run through it with me?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  He watched her click on [ Stamina ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qL7Y7Y_enAg).  After he watched her run through the routine, he pursed his lips.  “How about something more like this.”  He took her more classical steps and pulled them forward, modernizing them with hip hop and jazz influences.  They worked together until she reflected his movements.

 

“So what are you trying to accomplish with this dance program?” he asked after they stopped for a water break.

 

“I would like to see more interest in dance, and I miss giving lessons.  So I put some interest flyers out.  And I sort of implied…” she trailed off looking at him with significance.

 

Yuuri shook his head as he sighed.  “You implied that I’d be involved.  Not that I mind...but couldn’t you ask me first?”

 

She hummed nonchalantly.  “I knew you’d say yes.”

 

“I feel like you are taking advantage of your influence as a teacher,” Yuuri chided, the corners of his lips quirked into a smile.

 

“I prefer to think of it as taking advantage of our friendship.”  She moved through a series of stretches and Yuuri followed her.  “I mean, I have been devoted to following you since before you started competing.”

 

“Of course.  And none of that following had anything to do with being in the presence of other skaters,” he teased.

 

“Maybe a little,” she agreed easily.  “But you need something that takes the focus off of you.  Seriously.  It will give you a chance to let your hair down.”

 

“As I said...as long as it doesn’t interfere with skate practice.”

 

“Good.  If it gets busy, perhaps you can at least help me with the choreography.”

  


* * *

  


**Notes:**

[ Fabrics for Figure Skating Costumes ](http://www.figureskatingadvice.com/2014/07/fabrics-for-figure-skating-costumes.html)

 

[ Curing Depression with Mindfulness Meditation ](https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/mindfulness-in-frantic-world/201110/curing-depression-mindfulness-meditation)

 

Regarding the second article, it is this author’s belief that there is no magic cure for depression.  However, we can learn coping strategies that makes the struggle more endurable and lessons the symptoms.  Meditation has been long held as an option for working through depression.


	37. Always (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri and Victor prepare for the upcoming competition.

* * *

 

[ Always ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWiRW0uJKk4)

 

Victor considered his skate as the other man ran through his program once more.  Calling out a correction, he remembered the nightmare the previous night.  Yuuri didn’t wake up, but his restlessness caused Makka to move off the bed they shared.  While researching his observations, Victor learned that his Yuuri was likely suffering from PTSD and that he should not wake him from these nightmares.

 

He tried to shake off his own exhaustion.  Perhaps they’d take a nap that afternoon.  He started when he realized his thoughts had wandered and Yuuri now stood before him.

 

“So...the Chugoku, Shikoku, and Kyushu Competition is in a week,” Yuuri began, tugging at his fingers.

 

“What’s got your nerves on edge?  You’re a world class athlete.  This is just a formality.”

 

“I-I know but...I failed in Nationals.  After bombing out in the Grand Prix.  That’s why we’re here.  Why I have to go to this competition.”

 

“I hardly say finishing sixth is bombing out.”

 

Yuuri studied his hands.  “It’s just...my anxiety has a tendency to crowd out what I know.  I know that I should be fine.  But...sometimes I shut down.”

 

“Why don’t you change and we can walk home?  I’m tired and so are you.  I was already thinking we should take a nap.  We can talk as we walk.”

 

Yuuri sighed but nodded.  “I don’t think I’m sleeping well.”

 

Victor smiled benignly.  He didn’t want to discuss the matter where little ears would hear.  As they left the rink, he steered Yuuri down a quieter path home.  As the people fell away, he started the needed conversation.  “Okay, let’s talk about your anxiety.”

 

“You know that sometimes it is much more prevalent.  The medication helps, but it’s not a perfect fix.  I can’t always stop the noise in my head.  And sometimes it’s hard for me to communicate that information.”

 

“Hard how?  As in you can’t find the words or is it that people are around?”

 

“A little of both,” Yuuri confessed.  “And people being around can sometimes make finding the words harder.”

 

“So...when things are too noisy, what do you need me to do?”

 

“Act as a buffer.  And sometimes get me to a quiet space.”

 

“Okay.  What signal do you want to use to let me know you need this nonverbally?”

 

Yuuri frowned.  “How about I tap my temple with two fingers since it’s about what’s happening in my headspace?”

 

Victor nodded.  “How else can I help you?”

 

Yuuri frowned.  “I don’t always interact well with others when my anxiety is high.  If you can help smooth the way, it would be great.”

 

“You don’t interact well with others?”

 

Yuuri raised an eyebrow.  “That can’t surprise you.  How do people talk about me when I’m not around?”

 

Victor frowned, but Yuuri had a point.  Except for those close to him, most would call Yuuri cold and distant, when he was merely just shy.  “I guess I’ve forgotten.  Okay, so this will work for now.  Definitely for this upcoming competition.”

 

“So...we have a plan.  You want a nap?”

 

“Yes.  I’m worn out.”

 

Yuuri frowned, concern written across his expression.  “Are you getting sick?”

 

Victor considered what he should say.  Thinning his lips, he finally decided honesty was the best course.  “I know you are struggling with something, Yuuri.  And I wake up to try and soothe you through your nightmares.”

 

Yuuri stopped, startled, his hands going to his mouth.  “Oh, Victor!  I didn’t know.  You don’t have to sleep with me.”

 

“I don’t mind sleeping with you.  Honestly, I prefer it.  It’s just that...I need some catch up sleep.”

 

“Th-they haven’t been waking me up.  I didn’t...realize they were...I didn’t know I was disturbing you.  I thought I was getting better.”

 

Victor took Yuuri’s hands in his and gave them a squeeze.  “Yuuri.  Please, don’t get upset.  I don’t want you to feel guilty about this.  That’s why I didn’t say anything until you asked.  I’m sure you lost sleep over my hospital stay, over my suicide attempts and mental stability.”

 

“I love you.  I don’t...mind...oh.”  Realization of what Victor had been trying to tell him finally dawned on the younger man.

 

“Yes.   _ Oh _ .  I don’t mind either...because I love you as well.  So don’t push me away.”

 

They walked a little further in silence, Yuuri lost in thought until his feet stilled and he looked up at Victor.  “Do I...do you hear me?”

 

“Mostly it’s just cries and soft mumbles,” Victor hedged.  It was the truth, but he knew more.  He didn’t want to force it out of Yuuri.  He wanted the younger man to feel comfortable enough to tell him.

 

Victor’s eyes followed the free hand into his partner’s dark hair, tangling into the sweat-stiff hair.  Those eyes widened when he saw Yuuri tug on his hair and he realized that Yuuri was trying to control his anxiety...with pain.  Sasaki-sensei warned him about this during one of their joint sessions.  Reaching out, he took the other hand and pulled it down, holding it in his hand along with the other.  “I love you,” he stated once more, his voice low and even.  “Nothing you can say or do will take that away.  Okay?”

 

Those brown eyes glittered and he could see the quiver of those lips before Yuuri buried himself into Victor’s chest.  Hiding, but at least letting Victor hold him in the process.  Those long arms enfolded Yuuri automatically.

 

Arriving at the inn, Victor climbed the stairs, Yuuri holding his hand and following him up.  He hesitated, though, when Victor started to pull him into his room.

 

“Maybe I should let you rest.  I can do other things.”

 

Victor frowned.  “This is because I told you about the nightmares.”

 

Yuuri dropped his eyes.  He was a lousy liar and Victor knew this.  His anxiety ticks would give him away.  Yuuri decided to go for avoidance.  “I think I should help with the inn.  You should get some rest.”

 

Victor watched him retreat back down the stairs.  Sighing heavily, he retreated to his room.  He lay back in his bed and raked his fingers through his hair.  “Yuuri…” he murmured in exasperation.  “I just want you to talk to me.  I’m tired...of dancing around this.”

 

* * *

  
  
  


Victor emerged from his nap and found Yuuri excitedly bouncing around the room.  Sitting up, he grinned.  “What’s going on?”

 

“They’re here!  The costumes.  She sent them over by courier.”

 

Victor’s chuckled.  “Well, let’s see the final result.”  He watched Yuuri disappear.  Yuuri hated to dress in the same room with others.  Victor had noticed this at Sochi.  Yuuri had his costume already on under his team jacket while the others used the shared locker room to change from their street clothes.  He could do his makeup but didn’t like to change with others. At first, Victor hadn’t thought much of it, but now that he understood more about the onsen, he realized that Yuuri had grown up with the sense of body shame that he obviously still carried.

 

Minutes later, Yuuri came back in the room dressed in blue.  “Beautiful.”  Victor watched the man fidget before him.  “Come here.”  Victor guided him to stand in front of the full length mirror.  He tugged at the fabric firmly, smoothing out the jacket, and pulling everything in place.  “There.  Perfect.”  He peered at Yuuri through the mirror holding his eyes.  “So beautiful.”

 

“My hair.  It’s a mess.”  Yuuri’s eyes darted away from his image.

 

“Do you know how you want to fix it?”

 

“I usually brush it back.”

 

“Why don’t you sit here?”  Victor guided Yuuri to a bench in front of the mirror and disappeared for a moment, returning with hair product and a comb.  He then carefully worked the product into Yuuri’s hair, combing the length.  He looked up and caught Yuuri’s expression in the mirror, his cheeks flushed, his lips parted.  Victor leaned around him to look at the genuine article and Yuuri shifted his eyes to Victor’s.

 

“It’s just...this, fixing another’s hair, is very intimate in our culture,” Yuuri murmured.

 

Victor knelt before Yuuri, his hand on the younger man’s cheek.  “We... _ are _ intimate.  We may express it differently from the rest of the world and that may one day change.  But we are together, a couple.”

 

Yuuri shifted his eyes down uncertainly but Victor lifted his chin to catch the brown until Yuuri relaxed in his gaze.  “I know,” he finally murmured.  “Is it...enough?”

 

“You are all I want.  You are more than I could hope for.  And you are most definitely enough.”  Victor then pulled Yuuri into his embrace, feeling the younger man relax, his cheek resting on Victor’s shoulder.  Victor rested against Yuuri’s head, turning to brush a kiss into his dark hair before resting his cheek once more.  “I love you, my Yuuri.  Never doubt that.”

  
  


* * *

NOTES:

 

[ What to Do When Your Partner has PTSD Nightmares or Night Terrors ](https://sleep.org/articles/deal-with-spouse-ptsd-nightmares/)

 


	38. Sinking Inside Yourself (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First competition…regionals. And Victor's first taste of dealing with Yuuri's anxiety in a competition setting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much taking place! I hope you love this chapter!
> 
> Thank you so much, Magrathea and BluSkates, for helping me get this together!

* * *

 

[ Sinking Inside Yourself ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lt0Ji14Zkyk)

 

Regionals were upon them in no time.  Yuuri knew Victor worried that he wasn’t there for him enough, but Yuuri also knew that Victor was confident in his ability to pull this off.  Yuuri...not so much.  He arrived at the rink already frazzled.  Turning to Victor, “I failed at Nationals last year.  How am I going to pull this off?”

 

“There was a lot going against you at Nationals last year.  You can do this, Yuuri,” Victor assured him.

 

Yuuri turned to face the rink when fellow skater Minami Kenjirou ran up to him excitedly.  “I can’t believe we are skating together again!”

 

Yuuri drew back as Minami, in his excitement, reached into his personal space.   _ Don’t touch me!   _ Yuuri flinched at the intrusion and surprise.  The reaction was visceral, and not missed by the younger skater.  Then he blinked, startled and upset at his reaction.  He glanced up at Victor and noted the narrowing gaze.  Yuuri chewed his lower lip, his thoughts picking apart the room around him.   _ Victor is unhappy with me.  Minami is expecting something from me.  I’m not going to be able to deliver.  I’m going to fail this just like Nationals.  Then Victor’s going to go home and leave me.  He’s not going to want me when I show him what a failure I really am. _

 

Victor stepped forward and smoothly covered for him.  “Yuuri’s just recovering from the flu.  He was just saying he was worried he’d make one of his teammates ill even though he’s been cleared to compete.  Don’t worry, Yuuri.  It’s fine.”  Turning back to Minami, he asked, “Are you a fan?”

 

“Uh huh,” the youth responded, his eyes going from one to another.  The accidental slight washed off the younger skater quickly and he was placated by Victor’s words.

 

Victor smiled warmly.  “Perhaps you’d like a commemorative photo?  Yuuri, do you think you can do a picture?”

 

Yuuri nodded stiffly.  Minami handed over his phone instantly and was back in his space, standing in front of him.  Yuuri forced himself to lean in as Victor smiled encouragingly.   _ Make it look real.  Don’t freak out.  You can do this.  _  Then he heard the click, backing away almost immediately.  The excitement of the other skater revealed he hadn’t noticed, too busy examining the pic.

 

After Minami left, Victor moved protectively in his space.  “Are you okay, Yuuri?”

 

Yuuri shook his head, bringing two of his fingers up to touch his temple; his headspace was not good.  “Need quiet.”

 

Victor led him out of the crowd and into a small alcove.  “How’s this?  Better?”

 

Yuuri nodded, collapsing into Victor’s space, head on the older man’s shoulder.  He felt those arms go around him, hugging him close.  “I can’t do this.”  His voice was small, panicked.

 

“You  _ can  _ do this,” Victor emphasized unwaveringly.  “It may be hard, but you can do this, okay?”

 

“Are you sure?”  Yuuri’s voice sounded childlike in its uncertainty.

 

“I believe in you, Yuuri.  I’ve seen what you are capable of.”

 

“So many people.”

 

“I know, Yuuri.  Let me handle the people.  You just follow my lead.  Okay?”

 

He could feel Yuuri slowly nod against his chest.

 

“Now, you only need to focus on one person.  Who’s that?”

 

“Y-you.”

 

“Exactly.  Skate for me.  You will be beautiful.”

 

Yuuri pulled out of the embrace, he blushed and nodded.  He still felt anxious, his fingers fraying at his sleeves.  But Victor offered to insulate him.  He might be able to do it with that insulation.  Victor believed in him.   _ Why does he believe in me? _

 

Drawing a steadying breath, he nodded, ready to return to the crowd.

 

Victor guided him back out, his arm wrapped around Yuuri’s shoulder protectively.  Yuuri felt himself relaxing under his guard.   _ Why does he care so much?  I’m going to fail.  I’m going to disappoint him. _  Yuuri glanced up at him.   _ But he believes in me. _

 

* * *

  
  


Warm up was a nightmare, and all too soon it was time for Yuuri to skate.  Quickly circling the rink he heard the crowd wake up around him.  _  Fans.  I’m going to disappoint them.  Shit!  My family is here.  Yuuko and her family are here.  Minako.  I’m going to fail.  I’m going to disappoint everyone. _

 

He took his starting position; the black costume, suggesting femininity, clung seductively to his body now that had been properly fitted.  He felt exposed by the netting and black, sheer fabric that revealed his skin underneath.  A series of well-placed crystals covered his nipple, giving him at least that shield.  Still, his need for cover fought against this.  _  Focus on Victor.  _  He turned toward the blur that was silver hair and ivory skin.  He knew that was Victor.  He moved his arms into place.   _ Victor believes in me.  Victor...loves me. _  He knew this, but it had been blocked out by his anxiety and as that thought trickled through, he found his smile.   _ Vitya, let my skate speak to you. _

 

The music began and Yuuri ghosted his hands down his torso seductively before offering a wink.   _ I love you...and I want you. _  Kicking into motion, he threw himself into the seductive scene, the flamenco movements catching the flair of his hips.   _ I know I have trouble showing it.  But the part of me buried deep inside needs you.  I just...don’t know how to access it.  I need you to help me to unlock it.  _  He teasingly moved through a jump leading into a spin.   _ So I’m tempting you to come after me, to tease me out of my shell.  Because I don’t know any other way to reach out to you. _  Yuuri wrapped his arms around him and held his position.   _ Because I don’t want to remain closed off to you.  Help me to open up, Vitya.  You’re the only one who can. _

 

It took a moment to realize the cheers because he was focused on one man, Victor.  Just as he’d been told.  Skating to the kiss and cry, he fell into Victor’s embrace, feeling a strong arm around his back and a gloved hand on the back of his head.  Locked in.  Safe.  No one could get to him if he didn’t want them to.  Pulling back, he took the guards and followed Victor over to the bench where he settled once more into Victor’s arms.  “Thank you,” he murmured.

 

“You were beautiful.  That was my thanks.”  Victor pressed his cheek against the younger skater’s forehead.

 

“My jumps were wobbly,” Yuuri protested then squinted at the scores as it went up.  “Is that?”

 

“94.36,” the announcer read off.  “A personal best for Katsuki Yuuri.”  And far above any of the competition.  Minami was next at just under 63.

 

Yuuri looked at Victor with wide eyes.  “H-how?”

 

“You were able to focus.  I told you that you had it in you.”

 

“You did...though I’m not so confident about my free skate.  We haven’t worked on it very long.”

 

“We have plenty of time to get it ready for the Grand Prix.  You can get through this.”

 

Yuuri nodded, but his sigh held doubt.

 

* * *

  
  
  


Yuuri closed his eyes in the open space, dancing through his free skate choreography once again.  Victor tried to get him to relax, but Yuuri could only picture himself forgetting half of his program.  Victor sighed from his reclining position.  “This is my fault.  I shouldn’t have been gone so long.”

 

“N-no!  You can’t do that.  Please, Vitya.  I don’t want to blame my skating for your depression.  You can’t do the opposite.”  Yuuri’s voice rose to a higher pitch as he spilled out his words, and it took a moment for Victor to realize he was in tears.  Yuuri breathed erratically with the emotion.

 

“Oh, Yuuri.  I didn’t mean to upset you.  I just hate that you’re so worried.  I want...I wish I could make it better.”

 

Yuuri came to his side and dropped down in front of him, “I can’t magically take away your depression.”

 

“I know that,” Victor protested but then he felt Yuuri’s fingers pressed against his lips.

 

“And you can’t magically take away my anxiety.  It’s aggravated in competition.”

 

“What...does it tell you?” Victor asked, his voice tremulous.

 

“That…” Yuuri thought for a moment before answering, “It tells me that I’m going to fail.  That you are wasting your time.  That...everyone including you will be disappointed in me.  Th-that...you won’t want me.  That you’re going to leave and that you secretly want to quit.”  Yuuri could see Victor’s eyes widening with each admission, protests on his lips.  “I know it’s not true.  But...the words are still there in my head.  And refusing to be silent.”

 

“How can I help?”

 

“You already do...by believing in me when I can’t believe in myself.  And I need that.”

 

“Always.”  Victor reached out to Yuuri and pulled him to his chest.  Yuuri shifted to lie on his back in front of Victor, his head resting on Victor’s arms, his legs folded over the curl of Victor’s.

 

“You...make me feel safe.  That helps, too.  You bear the brunt of the contact.  That helps...a lot.”

 

“I could tell you were struggling.  I went on instinct.  Which was to protect you.”

 

Yuuri smiled.  “I’m not weak, you know.”

 

“I know.  You are one of the strongest people I know.  But that doesn’t mean you don’t need someone to act as your shield.”

 

“My shield?”

 

“Even warriors carry shields.”

 

Yuuri smiled and nodded.  “I like that.”  Yuuri snuggled into Victor’s embrace.  “I think I’m finished.  I think I can sleep now.”

 

Victor led Yuuri back to the elevator that would take them to their shared room.  Inside the room, Yuuri nervously stood with Victor.  “I need to change,” he finally verbalized.

 

Victor looked towards the bathroom.  Yuuri shrunk somewhat.  “I don’t…”

 

“I can’t change with you here,” Yuuri muttered his fingers tugging at his shirt nervously.

 

Victor considered his options.  “I could step out in the hall.”

 

Yuuri chewed his lips.  “You shouldn’t have to...we sleep together, for fuck’s sake.”

 

“Yuuri, there is nothing conventional about us.  If you need me to step out in the hall for a few minutes so that you can change comfortably, so be it.  Just tell me what you want.”

 

Yuuri studied Victor’s feet.  “Please,” he finally whispered.

 

As Victor stepped out, Yuuri quickly changed to his pajamas.  He texted Victor to let him know to come back.  When Victor came back into the room, he smiled warmly.  “See?  Easy solution.”

 

“I need to talk to Sasaki-sensei about this.  We can’t do this forever.”  He watched Victor pull his sleepwear from his suitcase and walk into the bathroom.  Sliding down the wall, he felt his head bang against the surface.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered.  “I’m so fucked up.”

 

Victor came into the room and studied him where he sat before kneeling down before him.  “It’s okay, Yuuri.  This doesn’t need to be a big thing.”

 

Tears broke free.  “I’m not holding myself together.”

 

“Then let me help you.”  He turned and sat next to Yuuri on the floor leaning back against the wall beside him.  He reached his hand out and took Yuuri’s tangling their fingers together.  Yuuri remained stiff for a moment before melting against Victor’s shoulder.

 

“I don’t deserve you.”

 

“I think I said something similar when you found me staring over a cliff.  We’re both imperfect.  Let’s be imperfect together.  Let’s support each other.”

 

“I...would do anything for you.”

 

“And I, you.  So...together?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Together.”

  
  


* * *

 

 

Yuuri stood in the center of the arena as his music for his free skate began.  Victor wanted him to downgrade his jumps.  He can win without it.  He lifted his chin and began telling his story.

 

_ It was simple...a story about love.  I went through life not seeing it, not feeling I deserved it.  It took you walking into my world to open my eyes.  Through your love, I’m able to see the love of others. _

 

Yuuri’s jaw stiffened.  Stubbornness set in and he chose the more difficult jumps against Victor’s advice.  Yuuri pushed through.  He launched.  He tumbled against the boards but gained his feet finishing his skate.  Coming to rest, he looked towards Victor.  _  Is he mad? _  Victor stood with his hands on his hips.   _ He’s mad. _  Skating towards Victor, he then saw him hit his forehead with the palm of his hand.   _ Oh  _ but then those arms open up.  He reached out to throw himself into those arms only for Victor to pull back at the last moment with a shake of his head.

 

“You’re bleeding, Yuuri,” Victor pointed out leaning over him, handing him the tissue box.  Yuuri took the tissue and shoved it up his nose.  As they found their seats to wait for his score, though, Victor pulled him into his side brushing his fingers through Yuuri’s hair.

 

**165.2**

 

He finished first, gold.  Yuuri dropped his head disbelieving.  Even hitting the wall, he won.  First.  He earned his place in the Grand Prix series.  “So...we’re doing this.”

 

Victor grinned.  “Yes, we are.”

 

Yuuri leaned into him.  “I will need you more than ever.”

 

“I’m here for you.  Don’t worry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know about you, but I was ready for competitions to begin.


	39. Crystal (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That kiss!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter...it took me a while to get them there. 
> 
> Thanks for taking care of my stories, Magrathea and BluSkates.

* * *

 

[ Crystal ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVO7nj49odY)

 

Victor rolled over, his eyes fluttering open before the first light found its way into the room.  Yuuri slept peacefully, his exhaustion keeping him in its grip throughout the night.  Reaching out, Victor smoothed back Yuuri’s bangs before leaning forward to brush his lips over his sweet Yuuri’s forehead.  His fingers drifted over the younger man’s cheeks in a light caress before a soft whine brought his attention to the other constant in his life.

 

“Okay, Makkachin,” he whispered softly.  The dog took his tone in and kept his movements soft  and quiet as she watched him crawl awkwardly out of bed so as not to wake Yuuri.  He glanced back to look at his lover.  The younger man shifted and pulled his hand under his cheek, his sleep continuing, uninterrupted.  They had retreated to Yuuri’s room last night after dealing with a family gathering when they arrived home.  The younger man needed familiar spaces, his own creature comforts; Victor just wanted to hold him.

 

Victor crept downstairs, his robe offering a layer of additional warmth to the morning coolness.  Opening the door to the family entrance, he led Makkachin over to the side to take care of her business.  A rustle caused him to look up.  “You’re up early, Mari,” he murmured.

 

“Home late,” she corrected as she took a drag off her cigarette.

 

“Lover?” Victor asked with teasing curiosity.  He’d never seen Mari with anyone in particular.

 

She shrugged.  “Some would call it that.  We’re friends.  Nothing more.”

 

Victor nodded, knowing that relationship.  That was how he and Chris came together over the last year.  But there had been something more before that.  It didn’t compare with the depth of his feeling for Yuuri, however.  In the end, Victor and Chris couldn’t satisfy one another.  Something kept them from committing.

 

She snuffed out her cigarette.  “I’m going to grab a couple of hours of sleep.  Later,” she said with a ghost of a smile.

 

Victor nodded absently in her wake, the door already closing behind her by the time his thoughts caught up to him.  Sighing, he took Makkachin back inside and settled her down before he grabbed his practice clothes and dressed.  He felt heavy inside.   _ Yuuri… _

 

Exiting his door, his eyes flitted towards the other’s.  It was pushed open and he realized with a slight smile where Makkachin had disappeared to.  There was a reluctance in his movements, and he remained still, frozen in a moment, unwilling to move forward without him.  Glancing at his phone, he knew Yuuri would sleep half an hour longer.  Perhaps...breakfast.

 

He crept down the stairs, the early morning light breaking over the horizon and leaving everything in deep shadows.  Entering the kitchen, he filled the rice steamer and coffee pot.  The tea pot could wait.  With a cup of coffee in hand, he sat and scrolled through his phone until closer to Yuuri’s alarm.  The rice finished as he was preparing the eggs.  Simple, with a little broth, pinch of sugar, a single grate of ginger, added just as Hiroko showed him.  He filled the bowls with rice, then added the egg with a touch of soy sauce.  Filling Yuuri’s cup with steaming water, he placed the tea strainer in the liquid to steep as he climbed the stairs.

 

He pushed the door open with his foot and settled the tray just as the alarm went off.  He watched with a soft smile as Yuuri fought free of the blankets, reaching for the phone to silence the alarm.  Turning over, brown eyes rested on him and a smile touched his lips.  “Good morning,” he sighed.

 

“Hello, my Yuuri.  I made breakfast,” Victor greeted in return, his eyes tender.

 

Yuuri sat up, his eyes opening in surprise.  “Oh.  Thank you.”  Reaching for the second chair in the room, he moved to the desk next to Victor.  “This is a surprise.”

 

“I wanted...to be here when you woke up.  You slept so peacefully.”

 

Yuuri’s eyes flickered in surprise.  “Do I not normally?”

 

“Some nights better than others.  I thought we could go for our run together.”

 

Yuuri smiled, dismissing the statement for the moment.  “I’d like that.”  Taking a bite of the morning offerings, Yuuri smiled.  “These are like my mother’s eggs.”

 

“She’s the one who showed me how to make them.”

 

“You’re close...they are very good.”  He followed up with a sip of tea, closing his eyes to savor the breakfast blend with its notes of clove and cinnamon.  “Mmmm...this tastes like morning.  Thank you.  This is very thoughtful.”

 

Victor brightened at the praise.  “I’m a morning person so breakfast is my favorite meal to prepare.  I make blinis, omelettes, and a number of other things.”

 

“Something to look forward to,” Yuuri murmured tipping his cup in Victor’s direction.  Victor nodded as he finished off his coffee.  “Black?”

 

“It has a small amount of flavored creamer.  I think...hazelnut.”

 

“That’s Mari’s favorite,” Yuuri responded with a smile.

 

Victor washed their dishes as Yuuri dressed for the day.  They warmed up together before heading into a run, falling in step together.  Victor let Yuuri set the pace for the first half. Somewhere around the halfway point, Yuuri must have noticed Victor was flagging and lessened the pace to his.  Ten kilometers later, they were in front of the rink.

 

The day filled with happiness.  Victor watched Yuuri achieve jump after jump, flying really.  Yuuri’s eyes sparkled as he met Victor at the rail, accepting the water bottle.  “Maybe I should make you breakfast every morning,” Victor purred close to Yuuri’s ear.  He heard the surprised intake of breath which Yuuri covered by gulping down another drink of water.  He decided to join Yuuri on the ice for the next round.

 

Distraction came, but the good kind as Yuuri danced with him, teasing him with his movements.  Victor had to retaliate.  So he skated up behind him and tickled the skin up his side.  He was rewarded with a squeal and laughter.  He loved to hear Yuuri laugh.  It was the best kind of music.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Victor finished writing in his journal and ticked through several documents that had to be completed while Yuuri helped downstairs in the onsen.  He offered, but Yuuri knew he had work that he needed to take care of and waved him off, his eyes still sparkling from their afternoon skate.  Now with his desk cleared, he drummed through his social media.  He then pulled out the journal he shared with Sasaki-sensei regarding his moods.   _ How do I feel today?  Energetic, focused externally.  But how do I feel?  _  The busyness of the day kept him occupied, his mental energy pulled off of himself.   _ Happy _ .  Yuuri’s laughter, infectious.

 

A tap on the door announced Yuuri, and Victor invited him in.  “I finished.  You?”

 

Victor nodded.  “Yes, all finished.  Do you want to take a walk?  Watch a movie?”

 

Yuuri shrugged, a soft smile on his lips.  “I’m restless, so maybe a walk?”

 

Victor gracefully pushed up out of his desk and reached for his jacket.  Minutes later, they were headed out the door.  Two strides later, their fingers were entangled as they turned towards the beach.  Makkachin bounded around their steps sometimes leaving the path to chase a rabbit or lizard.  They finally arrived via the meadow and sat huddled together to watch the sunset.  Yuuri leaned in and Victor reached down to smooth his hair back.  “How are you feeling today?”

 

“Mostly tired,” Yuuri answered.  “But...good.  I knew I couldn’t settle down.  I’m glad we went for a walk.”

 

“Is something on your mind?”

 

Yuuri nodded against his shoulder.  He plucked up a blade of grass and began mutilating it as he worked through his thoughts.  “Today was a good day.”

 

“Yes, it was.  I want to have many good days with you, Yuuri,” Victor declared softly, his warmth countered by a shiver that vibrated down Yuuri.  “Are you cold?”

 

“Maybe a little.”

 

“Come here,” Victor directed, guiding Yuuri to settle between his legs, draping his jacket around Yuuri as well.  “Better?”

 

Yuuri nodded, sinking into Victor’s warmth.  They watched the sun touch the rim of the horizon, the water picking up the fire and dragging it across the surface in its waves.  A bark drew their attention and they saw that Makkachin had something cornered.  Standing, Victor pulled Yuuri to his feet, relinquishing his jacket to the younger man.  Those brown eyes looked up as if to ask  _ are you sure? _  Victor responded with an open smile.  He’d give everything up for this man.

 

They wandered over to the surf’s edge.  Victor chuckled.  “Leave the starfish alone, Makka!”  He picked it up and gave it a toss back into the edge of the surf.  He felt Yuuri snuggle into his side and reached an arm around him, his eyes resting on the sun, now half way into the sea.  “I live for beautiful moments like this,” he breathed.

 

“So do I,” Yuuri breathed and Victor got the overwhelming feeling he wasn’t talking about the sun.  Blush crept up his neck and into his cheeks as he glanced down to Yuuri.  Yuuri lifted up on his tiptoes.

 

The kiss startled Victor but he felt the warmth of those lips then their absence as well as Yuuri jerked back.  Opening his eyes, he watched Yuuri go pale, his hands over his mouth, his eyes wide.  “Yuuri…” he murmured, inviting Yuuri to come back to him with a reach of his hands.  Yuuri looked at his hand then Victor’s face, then bolted, running away.

 

Victor thinned his lips at the other man’s retreat.  “Makka, come,” he commanded.  The dog fell in next to him.  “We have to go after him,” he explained as he clipped the leash onto the poodle.  “I don’t know what happened, girl...but I have to follow.”

 

He took off in a jog after the younger man.   _ Where did he go?  Where’s his safe place? _  His feet took him to the inn.

 

Mari met him with her eyebrows raised.  “What did you do?”  Her voice was flat in its question but Victor knew better.  She’d rip him a new one if he did anything to hurt her little brother.

 

“I...don’t know.  He, uh, he kissed me...then ran off.”

 

She thinned her lips, her eyes darting towards the door.   _ Yuuri is inside. _  “He’s been through a lot,” she murmured.  “Be careful with him.”

 

Victor held her in his gaze, realizing she knew.  Possibly more than he had guessed.  “Always,” he answered.  She stepped out of his path and he realized that she was guarding him.

 

Inside, he met with Toshiya.  “Vicchan,” he greeted.  “Perhaps you can help me…”

 

“I’m sorry, Papa, Yuuri...he…”  He realized the old man’s eyes darted up the stairs and knew that he knew.   _ Shit!  He’s trying to keep me away. _  “Papa...I didn’t hurt him.  I wouldn’t.  He just...we’ve got to talk.”  The older man finally stepped down backing out of his path.  “Thank you,” he murmured turning to the stairs and taking them two at a time.

 

Hiroko looked up from where she crouched next to the door.  Sighing, she waved him over.  He sank down next to her.  “He has demons...they followed him here.  He’s fighting but sometimes they overwhelm him.”  She grasped his hands in hers, trying to convey her worry.

 

“Demons?”  Victor looked at the door and thought about the torment in the younger man’s dreams.  He didn’t believe in supernatural ideas, but he accepted her explanation quietly.  Perhaps it was better that she was unaware of the nature of his pain.  “I’m here, now.  I’ll guard him,” he promised firmly.  The woman nodded, releasing him.  She quietly backed away.

 

Tapping the door softly, he pleaded with a quiet voice, “Yuuri, love, let me in.”  There was silence then the door unlatched.  Yuuri stood before him worrying the sleeves of Victor’s jacket, his eyes hollow with pain.  “Oh, Yuuri…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And...that kiss...


	40. Beautiful Mess (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri hides after their first kiss, the reality of his world crashing in on him.
> 
>  
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Yuuri talks about what happened to him in this chapter. He shares his memories from the night of the rape.

* * *

 

[ Beautiful Mess ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=In61cSh0we8)

 

 

**TRIGGER WARNING:  Yuuri talks about what happened to him in this chapter.  He shares his memories from the night of the rape.**

 

 

 

Yuuri broke the kiss, his eyes going wide.  He took in Victor’s soft expression and watched it turn to concern.  On the edge of his thoughts, he admired the way the oranges of the sun outlined the older man, the fiery edge giving him an otherworldly appearance.  Victor could be Apollo, powerful and holding the sun within his grasp, but inside, Yuuri was falling apart and his only instinct...run.

 

He turned on the balls of his feet and took off, leaving the love of his life behind him, watching undoubtedly in shock and confusion.  He couldn’t deal with that right now.  He couldn’t process someone else’s emotions.  He couldn’t even process his own.  He could only...run.

 

His feet carried him back along the path.   _ Safety.  I need some place safe. _  And the closest place wasn’t the ballet studio.  The closest place wasn’t Ice Castle.  The closest place was home.  His room.

 

Yuuri rarely burst through the doors at the inn.  He never would run through the house with his shoes still on his feet.  Except...when his world crumbled.  His family watched in shock and horror as he ran past them, up the stairs, shutting the door firmly on everyone.

 

The buzz of family and guests filtered through the thin walls although he couldn’t make out the distinct voices.  He knew the routine.  They were clearing the building.   _ Great! _  Now his family was losing business because he couldn’t keep it together.  Minutes ticked by.  Then he heard a soft tapping on the door.  His mother’s soothing voice.

 

“Yuuri, dearest, will you come out?  Everyone is gone.”

 

He sniffed back, remaining silent just on the other side of the door.  He could make out the shadow of her presence under the door.  Feet...then a widening shadow as she sat down on the other side.  Just the door between them.

 

“Yuuri...please open the door.  We want to help you.”

 

_ You can’t.  Nobody can.  I’m drowning. _

 

“Yuuri...come on, dear.  We love you more than anyone.  Let us hold you.  Let us keep you from falling.”

 

_ I’ve already fallen.  Hard.  Deep.  This cavern is so out of reach.  You can’t jump high enough. _

 

Another shadow appeared on the other side of the door.  Victor.

 

He heard his mother talk to Victor through the door.  “He has demons...they followed him here.  He’s fighting, but sometimes they overwhelm him.”

 

“Demons?  I’m here, now.  I’ll guard him,” he promised firmly.  Then the woman seemed to relinquish her post to the Russian.  Tapping the door softly, he pleaded with a quiet voice, “Yuuri, love, let me in.”

 

Yuuri tugged at his sleeves.  Pushing up against the doorframe, he rose to his feet.   _ Victor can jump.  Victor is the only one that can pull me out of this canyon. _  He unlatched the door, worrying the sleeves of Victor’s jacket as he opened it, standing vulnerable before the other man.

 

From his position on the floor Victor took in Yuuri’s broken appearance.  “Oh, Yuuri…”

 

Yuuri dropped to the floor, nearly tumbling into his arms, his body shaking as the tears shattered him.  Victor held onto him, resting his cheek against the top of his head, brushing kisses through the strands, grounding him.  Yuuri clung to him.  Finally, he found words.  “I c-can’t do this…”

 

“Nobody is pushing you, Yuuri.  I said in your own time.  There is no rush.”  Victor’s words soothed, promised, comforted.

 

Yuuri sniffed, broken and raw.  He knew he had to do this.  Now.  He didn’t know how Victor would hold up to his words but perhaps...they could hold each other up.  He pulled back, sitting back on his knees, his fingers digging uncertainly through the fabric of his shirt, the sleeves of Victor’s jacket.  “It...started with a kiss…”

 

Victor watched him.  Waited.  Reaching a hand out, he entwined their fingers, quietly offering his strength.

 

“I didn’t...invite it…I backed away, and he cornered me.  It was a stupid party.  I didn’t even want to go.  I went because Phichit wanted to go.  And I was barely drinking that night.  Perhaps...if I drank, it wouldn’t have hurt so much.  I could...forget.  Like...the other...times.  But...I can’t forget.  He cornered me.  His mouth...it tasted like Jack Daniels and Dr. Pepper.  I wanted to vomit.  I pushed him away.

 

“I found Phichit.  I needed to get out of there.  I could feel his eyes on me, and I just needed to escape.  Phichit offered to walk me back, but we only lived a couple of buildings over.  I said I’d be fine.  I left.  Even the night air felt oppressive, but I thought it was probably my anxiety.  My feet, though...they got heavier.  By the time I reached the stairwell to my apartment, I was dizzy and confused.

 

“It was at the first landing I think that he caught up to me.  I tried to stop him.  I don’t know how long I was there.  When he was gone and I could move again, I pulled my clothes back on and went to my room.  I needed to get his smell off of me, out of me.

 

“Phichit found me in the corner of the shower.  The water was cold, and he said my skin was bright red.  I know he called for help.  They took me to the hospital.  My coach signed the papers.  I don’t remember how many days I was inside.”

 

Yuuri fell silent, leaning against the door facing, Victor’s hands in his.  A gentle tug from the older man and he was back in Victor’s arms, resting his head against Victor’s shoulder, Victor’s arms wrapped around him, holding him securely.  He waited out Yuuri’s silence, somehow knowing there was more to be said.

 

Yuuri drew in ragged breaths trying to control the emotions that threatened to overwhelm him.  He had to get it all out.  “I didn’t drink a long time after that.  The smell of cheap alcohol...especially Jack...turned my stomach.  And then I was at the Grand Prix Final and...everything went wrong.  Champagne doesn’t smell like the cheap stuff...so I drank one glass...then another...until I couldn’t feel anymore.  I wanted...to be numb.”  He paused sitting back.  At this point it became their story and he was inviting Victor back into the conversation.

 

“I wanted to feel...something.  I almost didn’t go.  I almost checked out that night.  But...Chris seemed to know something was wrong.  He made me go...and then...I saw you.  And something about you was...raw.  You...seemed to feel everything.  I envied that.  I didn’t know how to feel anymore.”

 

Yuuri nodded, “I don’t remember much of that night...just skips of memory.  More so since you shared with me.  I remember arms...very careful with me.  Coach checked on me later to make sure I was safe.  I knew when I woke up that for once, nothing had happened.  I was...taken care of even without Phichit watching over me.  It made me feel...safe.  And I think at that point things started unlocking inside of me, secrets I had put away.”

 

“I didn’t want to cause you pain.”

 

“You didn’t!  You made a safe place for me to deal with past pain.  To finally start to heal.  But...part of that was facing it, acknowledging it.

 

“When you were in the hospital...I said something to Phichit first, I called it by what it was.  I told him...I was...r-raped.”  He felt Victor’s arms tighten around him as he said the words.  “It was hard to say...it still is.”

 

“I wish...I could take this away.”

 

“You are.  Because I know I’m safe with you, I can let the wound be lanced and drained.  It...is just a slow process.  W-when I k-kissed you, I didn’t plan on it.  I panicked...I was so afraid everything was going to fall apart around me.  I didn’t know how to react.  I ran.”

 

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Victor reassured him.

 

“I know,” Yuuri stated, his voice rising in emphasis.  “I just...this shifts things between us.  I didn’t expect...the rush of emotion.  And...it scared me.  And...I knew I hadn’t told you...what happened.  I...didn’t know how you’d respond.”

 

“I knew,” Victor confessed in a whisper.  Yuuri’s eyes widened, his body language asking  _ how?   _ Victor whispered softly, “You talk in your sleep.  You have nightmares.  I stayed with you, trying to comfort you and ground you with my presence.  I didn’t know what to do...so I read up on what I could...and I guess my instincts were right to let you sleep and work through it.  I’ve known...since that first night back from the hospital.  I was waiting for you to open up.  I didn’t want to intrude on those feelings uninvited.  But...I knew.  I won’t leave you.”


	41. Hide and Seek (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor responds to Yuuri opening up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some emotions in this chapter. Definitely some emotions.
> 
> Thank you to my beautiful friends BluSkates and Magrathea for helping me to finish this off.

* * *

 

[ Hide and Seek ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlapKWfwv3A)

 

 

Yuuri hiccupped as he released the sob that he had barely been holding in check.  Victor’s arms tightened around him, repeating over and over, “I’ve got you.  Let it out.  You’re safe with me.”

 

Finally, he stopped, growing still in Victor’s embrace.  Victor lifted Yuuri’s chin and was met with a glassy stare; after too many tears his eyes had gone red.  Gripping Yuuri closer, he lifted him into his arms, carrying him down the hall and into his own bed.  He gently removed Yuuri’s shoes, his socks.  Drawing the blankets over him, Yuuri still clinging to the sleeves of his jacket, he left it.

 

Makkachin whined with concern and Victor invited him beside Yuuri with a tap on the mattress.  Yuuri wrapped his arms around the poodle and part of the tension left his body.  Stretching out behind him, he wrapped an arm around Yuuri’s waist.  The younger man slowly unwound, relaxing into Victor’s warmth.  His breathing finally evened out and Victor knew he slept.  Rising up, he found a small smile realizing, Yuuri still wore his glasses.  He reached out and gently removed them, placing them on the table next to the bed.

 

Sighing, he rose out of the bed.  He had a family to face.  Downstairs, he found them seated around the table, cups of tea and coffee before them.  Hiroko started to rise to get him a cup but he waved her down.  “I’ve got it.”

 

He returned, coffee in hand, taking a seat between Mari and Hiroko, across from Toshiya.  “He sleeps.”  His eyes rested on the small gathering of concerned family members.  Mari studied her mug and Victor knew she knew.  He could tell by her body language.  “You all overheard?”

 

Hiroko and the others nodded guiltily.  It was Hiroko who spoke, her voice warm even in its sorrow.  She reached out and took his hand, squeezing it.  “Thank you...for taking care of our son.  He...stopped talking to us around that time...when he was hospitalized.  He’s always been quiet, but it was worse...we didn’t know why.  His coach couldn’t tell us.  Confidentiality.  Yuuri’s an adult and parents don’t have rights to their health care.”

 

“He told me,” Mari confessed quietly.  “I had promised not to tell you or Dad...and then he told me.  It...somehow was more painful listening to it this time.”

 

Toshiya reached out and took his daughter’s hand.  “He always could open up to you when he couldn’t to the rest of us.  You knew first he was being bullied as a child.  It...doesn’t surprise me.”

 

“But I kept it from you,” she stated.

 

“You would have told us if you felt he was in danger.  We trust you to know what needs to be done,” her father said quietly, his voice reassuring.

 

She nodded, the guilty knowledge finally off her shoulders.  It’s not the first time she carried it and she knew it wouldn’t be the last.

 

“You met him...in Sochi?” Hiroko asked.

 

“Yes.  Something about him made me feel protective over him...then as time went on, I realized how I felt towards him.”

 

She sighed heavily working through her own thoughts.  “He’s loved you for as long as I can remember.  Since the first time he saw you skate.  We thought it was just a crush.  You were a celebrity.  But...he continued to reach towards you.  He used you as his touchstone, his guidepost.  When things became difficult, he would look towards you to guide his steps.  I think only you could have helped him through this.”

 

“I would have been here regardless.  He’s...entwined around me.”

 

“Soulmate,” Mari supplied.

 

Victor found a soft smile...that was perhaps the best definition for what he felt.

 

They parted as their cups emptied, Hiroko waving him off when he offered to wash them.  Victor climbed the stairs and rejoined his Yuuri in bed, the younger man turning into his embrace abandoning his snuggles with Makkachin.  Poodle snuggles were all well and good, but the embrace of a lover even better.  Victor could attest to this although Yuuri was the only one he’d truly ever given that title to. _Lyubov moya, my love._

 

* * *

  


Morning brought soft filtered light as Yuuri slowly came to life in his arms.  Yuuri lifted his face to him, Victor long since awake and waiting, reluctant to leave him alone.  And Yuuri sought his kiss, this time open, and Victor’s arms tightened around him, hesitating at first before diving into those eager lips.  They kept the kiss on the surface.  There would be time to explore later.  For now, they relaxed into one another, reconnecting the broken threads after last night, and Victor felt the fibers of his love knotting and tangling into the other man’s.

 

Yuuri pulled back and they searched one another’s faces.  Victor lifted his hand and caressed softly down Yuuri’s cheek.  The other man tilted into it.  “I’m sorry,” Yuuri whispered, finally breaking the silence.

 

“Don’t be sorry.  Not for this.  I am only sorry that you went through so much pain to get here.  But don’t be sorry.  Not for this.  Not for us.”

 

Yuuri tucked in under his chin, tightening his arms.  “I’m not sorry for us...just for all...of the sorrow I bring to this.”

 

Victor tightened his embrace.  “I think we both bring our sorrows into this.  But...together, I believe we can weather these storms.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  They remained in silence for a few minutes before Yuuri spoke again.  “He was caught...eventually.  Someone else turned him in.  I couldn’t testify...I still couldn’t acknowledge it happened.  I hate that...someone else had to go through it because I couldn’t speak.”

 

“Don’t carry his guilt on you, Yuuri.  You had to take care of yourself first.  Before you can take care of anyone else, you have to take care of yourself.  It’s not selfish.  It’s survival.”

 

“Survival...I’m tired...of being in survival mode.  I want...to move forward.”

 

“Then...let’s move forward...together.”

 

“Together,” Yuuri repeated, his voice a soft whisper of promise even as he snuggled tighter and Victor found himself brushing kisses into his hair until Yuuri lifted his chin and met them with his own lips.  Soft, fluttery butterfly kisses.  They lay in for some time, the sun pushing past the horizon, shortening the shadows, sharing soft kisses and warm embraces, their words fading into whispered promises.

 

When they finally emerged, he watched Yuuri approach his family awkwardly.  They would have none of that, however, and merely pulled him into their arms embracing him.  No words.  Just quiet acceptance.  His father pulled away with a squeeze of his hand in reassurance.  His mother pulled him into the kitchen and Victor followed.  Soon they had breakfast before them.

 

“Are you skating today?” she asked, her eyes only momentarily darting to Victor before settling on her son.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I’m skating.  I need the ice to skate off these emotions.  I don’t know what it will do to the interpretation of my programs...but it’s just practice.”

 

“You always did find healing and solace on the ice.  Let me prepare your lunches to take along.”

 

Bentos in hand, they walked slowly to the rink taking in the air around them.  At some point during the night, it must have rained, pushing away the daytime haze.  The clarity in the air seemed to reflect the clarity that now existed between one another, fingers threaded together as they understood it.

 

As they warmed up on the ice, Victor murmured, “Perhaps...we can skate together.”

 

Yuuri peeked from beneath his lashes.  “What do you have in mind?”

 

“ _Stammi Vicino_.  I-it has a duet version.  I thought...perhaps we could work on a similar pairs skate.  I’ve been...playing with possible choreography changes.”

 

As he put the music in place, Victor described what he had in mind with the first play through, using his hands to express the words.  Yuuri then moved into the starting position and Victor started the music once more.

 

The initial choreography remained the same.  Then Victor skated in to join him.  Lifts...they played at with the idea, but agreed it would need work.  The tandem skating, though, was second nature.  They already skated through Yuuri’s programs in tandem from time to time.  The interplay, the intermingling, the touches, the soft exchanges...the intimacy.  As the song finished, Yuuri turned into his arms.  Lifting his chin, Victor lowered his to capture those lips in a kiss, his hands tightening on Yuuri’s hips even as Yuuri’s tightened around his neck.  Then Yuuri opened up to him and the kisses were no longer on the surface, as Victor’s tongue swept inside and Yuuri answered in kind.

 

And they continued to exchange kisses until they heard a clearing of a throat and broke apart.  They turned, pink in their cheeks, to face Takeshi standing with his arms across his chest.  “I thought I’d warn you before the triplets arrived.”  Yuuri’s lips parted but the full implication still hadn’t sunk in until Takeshi added, “With their camera phones.”

 

Yuuri’s lips formed an O.  Victor grinned, his arms tightening around Yuuri’s waist from behind.  “Message received, Takeshi.  Thanks for the warning.”

 

The other man waved with a chuckle and walked away leaving them to their own devices.

 

“Do you want to skate some more?” Victor asked.  Yuuri’s cheeks deepened their blush making Victor curious.  “Do you want to find some place more private and continue that kiss?”

 

“Mmmhmmm,” Yuuri answered, and as Victor squeezed his arms around him in reply, he squeaked.

 

They were dressed and on their way to the beach, lunches in hand.  They weren’t completely alone, but Yuuri took his hand and pulled him further along until the other people fell away.  Nestled in the taller grass, they could hear the ocean and they had one another.

 

Lunch dissolved between giggles, sharing their food, and stolen kisses.  There had definitely been a shift in their relationship and Victor relished in it.  Based on Yuuri’s behavior, he wasn’t alone in this.

 

Bentos abandoned, Yuuri settled in between Victor’s legs watching the ocean.  “I like this,” the younger man breathed.

 

“The quiet intimacy?” Victor supplied.

 

“And maybe...the not so quiet,” Yuuri added, pink rising up in his cheeks.  “I know it will be a while before we can...you know...but...this is nice.”

 

Victor dipped down, brushing a kiss behind Yuuri’s ear and hearing his squeak dragged a smile out in that kiss.  “This is nice...and I’m in no hurry for the other.  Let’s take our time.  The best things are meant to be savored.”


	42. Edge of Glory (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cup of China – Arrival and meeting friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this in all of it's glory!
> 
> Thank you, Blu and Mags, for reading through my work and editing brilliantly!

* * *

 

[ Edge of Glory ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=be9w4QpQ4Xw)

 

 

Victor frowned at his plane ticket.  Yuuri was aware that he didn’t typically fly coach, but he insisted Victor not bear excess expenses for first class accommodation.  Victor argued that this was an expense he was happy to bear, but Yuuri refused to budge.  It was only five hours to Beijing.  They could save the better tickets for longer trips.  As they crowded into the narrow seats, Yuuri reached for his phone and inserted an earbud then raised an eyebrow as he offered the other to Victor.  The older man tucked it into his ear as Yuuri selected a playlist.  Oh.  _  These are Victor’s skate songs. _  Perhaps it’s not overly embarrassing and they helped to relax him.  He tapped his foot up and down.

 

“Does flying make you nervous, Yuuri?”

 

Yuuri half-shrugged.  “Only during take-off and landing...and maybe if there is turbulence.”

 

Victor thinned his lips thoughtfully.  Leaning forward, he pulled out the blanket he brought on board and tucked into the folded fabric, Yuuri spied the tissue box shaped like Makkachin.  Spreading out the fuzzy blanket to cover himself and Yuuri, Victor snuggled into the other man’s side.  “You know, I’ve been thinking,” he began.

 

Yuuri cocks an eyebrow and asks, “Should I be worried?”

 

“No no not at all,” he rushed with a grin, tangling his fingers with Yuuri’s.  “I’m thinking we should be completely open with our relationship, just lay it out there for everyone to see.”

 

“I don’t usually…” Yuuri trailed off uncertainly.

 

“Stay with me,” Victor continued.  “People are going to ask.  Let’s just be us, no pretenses for the press.  So...if I wanted to kiss you…” he trailed off even as he lifted his chin capturing Yuuri’s lips with his, releasing Yuuri’s fingers to slide the hand over his cheek pulling him into the kiss  inviting Yuuri deeper. Like that day on the rink, swallowing Yuuri’s surprise, his nervousness, his opening up, and his surrender.  He released Yuuri and held his eyes, pupils showing a flicker of fire as Yuuri blinked at him uncertainly.  “There...and now you can relax,” he murmured.

 

It was then that Yuuri glanced out the window and realized what Victor was about.  “Y-you were distracting me…”

 

Victor grinned up at him, humming an affirmation, before settling back down resting his cheek against Yuuri’s shoulder.  Yuuri shook his head but smiled as he slipped an arm around Victor’s shoulder.  Replacing the earphone that fell askew during the kiss, he closed his eyes and lost himself in the music, remembering the beautiful programs Victor skated.  He could feel the even breathing of Victor in his arms and wished he could find sleep so easily.  Instead, he dozed off and on, hugging Victor in his arms and listening to music.

 

* * *

  
  
  


Victor handled checking them into the hotel and guided Yuuri up to the room.  Opening the door, Yuuri spotted the double beds and frowned thoughtfully.  He’d grown used to Victor sleeping next to him and wasn’t sure how this would affect his performance.  It wasn’t as if they were having sex.  They embraced, held onto one another, kissed.  Yuuri chewed his lip wondering about the pace of their relationship.  He peaked towards Victor who was humming as he hung up their clothes and settled them in.

 

“I never understood people who left everything in their suitcases.  Things need to hang and breathe,” the older man stated as he added the last of their hanging clothes to the rack.  Turning to Yuuri, he smiled warmly.  “Do you want to go out?”

 

“I’m...a little tired,” Yuuri confessed.

 

Victor’s brow furrowed.  “Did you not sleep on the plane?”

 

“Not...much,” Yuuri confessed.  “I don’t travel well.”

 

“Okay.  Why don’t you rest and I’ll get the lay of the land?  If I’m not back when you wake up, text me and we’ll go get dinner.”

 

“We have the press conference later,” Yuuri reminded him.

 

“I’ll be back before then.  Don’t worry,” Victor answered with a smile.

 

Yuuri watched him slip away before curling up under the blanket.  He was soon asleep.

 

A hand smoothing his hair from his brow brought him back to reality a couple of hours later.  “I thought you’d want to shower,” Victor murmured.

 

“Th-thanks.  You’ve already showered?”

 

“Yes.  Are you inviting me to join you?” he teased with a wink.

 

Yuuri’s mouth fell open as his cheeks heated up.  He fled the room as Victor chuckled.  Facing his reflection in the mirror, he asked himself once more,  _ am I making him wait too long? _

 

He emerged to find Victor organizing their things and making sure everything was laid out for the next few days.  He had a notebook out and wrote down what he needed to remember, considering the upcoming practices and competitions.  Looking up as Yuuri approached, his eyes smiled.  “Well, my Yuuri, are you ready?”

 

“Somewhat?”

 

Victor’s brow furrowed.  “What’s got you worried?”

 

“The press.  I always struggle with what to say.  I come off as...nervous and ridiculous.”

 

“Oh, no, Yuuri...you’re adorable.”

 

Yuuri gave him a self-deprecating stare.  “Only you think that.”

 

“Me and all of your fans,” Victor argued.

 

Yuuri sighed.  “You aren’t helping.”

 

“Okay,” he responded, taking Yuuri’s hands and holding his eyes.  “What do you need from me?”

 

“To know you’re there for me, with me.  And if I falter, pick up the pieces.”

 

“That I can do.  Don’t stress out about these press fillers.  They are minor, okay?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  He allowed Victor to take his hand and guide him towards the door.

 

* * *

  
  


The press gauntlet was chaos, enough to set Yuuri’s nerves on edge and he found himself working his zipper, tugging on his sleeves, and shrinking back.  A firm hand on his back, though, helped to ground him.  “I’ve got you,” Victor murmured next to his ear.

 

The intimacy was caught by some of the reporters and they approached the couple.  “Mr. Nikiforov, Mr. Katsuki, how has this change in coach affected you?”

 

Yuuri looked at Victor uncertainly.  “V-victor works well with me, meeting me where I am,” he responded.  A squeeze of the hand on his side reassured him.  _  He said we should be open.  We aren’t hiding who we are. _

 

“It’s been suggested that this is more than just a coach-student relationship,” another reporter pressed.

 

Yuuri looked uncertainly towards Victor who met his eyes with a soft smile.  “Of course.  Yuuri gives my life a new dimension and is patient as I figure out how to properly coach him.  He teaches me as much as I teach him.  And in the process, we are bound to become close.”

 

“How close?”

 

Victor chuckled.  “That doesn’t sound like a skating question,” he deflected.

 

Another reporter attempted a rephrase.  “Your theme this year is love.  You’ve indicated that this is because of Victor Nikiforov’s influence in an earlier press conference.  Do you care to elaborate on this, Mr. Katsuki?”

 

“No, I do not,” Yuuri responded, catching Victor’s smile.

 

“How much power of love will your skating have?”

 

Yuuri glanced at Victor not sure how to answer that question.  Victor frowned, impatient with their silly questions.  “Come on, Yuuri, there’s Yakov.  Let’s go say hello.”

 

Yuuri was uncertain, torn between press obligations and Victor.  “I-”  His eyes turned back to the reporter, his cheeks pinking up.

 

Victor then realized he had lapsed in his duty and stepped up, putting a hand back on Yuuri’s waist.  “You will have to watch his program to answer that question.”  He then tugged on Yuuri’s hand and pulled him away.

 

“Don’t we-” Yuuri stuttered, chasing after him as Victor pulled him along.

 

“No, we don’t.  They have a few sound bites.  That’s all they need.”

 

“Oh.  Ciao Ciao always made us stay.”

 

“Do you want to continue answering their ridiculous questions?”

 

“I thought you said you wanted us to be open,” Yuuri argued, confused.

 

Victor chuckled, pulling Yuuri into his side.  “Do you not think that the way I held onto you implied intimacy?  We can be open and still not shout it out.  I am in no way planning to hide how I feel, but I also do not think they have a right to our relationship.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Victor nodded.  “Remember, reporters will take whatever they want from you and don’t care what they leave behind as long as it sells a story.  There are exceptions, but they are rare.”

 

“I suppose...I knew that.  I’ve always been private.”

 

“I know.  I didn’t realize I created a misunderstanding with my words.  I thought privacy was still implied.  Let them observe.  Let them infer.”

 

“Okay.  I’ll...follow your lead.”

 

“As you did so excellently earlier.”

 

“I practically fell on my face.”

 

“It takes practice.  You did fine.”

 

Yuuri drew a deep breath but nodded.  “You wanted to find Yakov?”

 

Victor wrapped his arms around him.  “I think we missed him.  He doesn’t stay at the gauntlet any longer than necessary.  We’ll catch him over the next few days.  Let’s go get hotpot.”

 

* * *

  
  
  


They were laughing as they entered the restaurant, Victor’s arms slipping around Yuuri’s waist easily.   _ This is what he meant when he said to be open.  To be ourselves.  To not hold back.  And...this feels so real, so tangible to have him close like this. _  Then a brush of lips against the back of his neck clicked that thought back into place.   _ This  _ is _ real. _  Yuuri turned to smile.

 

Victor guided him back to their table.  As they settled into the booth, they leaned together to take a selfie that Victor posted on Instagram.  He then proceeded to order a number of things on the menu, laughing at some of Yuuri’s protested responses.  “I don’t eat raw food before competition.”  Victor offered him a drink which he turned down.  “Also, taboo before competition.”

 

Victor drank it down and they were enjoying the food before them when Phichit showed up with Ciao Ciao in tow.  “Hello,” Victor greeted exuberantly.  A few drinks already making him tipsy.  Yuuri watched him uncertainly, worry in his expression.

 

Phichit caught it and texted him.

 

**Phi/ What’s wrong?**

 

**Yuu/ He’s not supposed to be drinking**

 

Yuuri reached for his next drink and watched Victor pout in response.  “I think you’ve had plenty,” he pressed.  Victor relented but became clingy.  Yuuri chewed on his lip and glanced over at Phichit uncertainly.  “Maybe we should head back to the room.”

 

“No no it’s okay,” Victor protested.  “Let’s stay.  Talk to your friends.”

 

They continued to eat as a couple of other skaters came into the restaurant, visiting and taking pictures.  Victor laughed and charmed the lot of them but Yuuri’s expression was forced.  As the others started to leave, Ciao Ciao leaned forward.  “Do you need help getting him back?”

 

“I’m fine, really!” Victor responded, overbright.

 

“Why don’t we walk back together, okay?” Phichit offered.  “The more the merrier, right?”

 

Yuuri gave them an appreciative smile.

 

Victor followed the direction of Yuuri’s tug as they started to leave only to still.  “Yakov!”

 

The old coach studied him with a stern expression.  “Vitya,” he returned.  “You’ve had enough.  Go home and sleep it off.”

 

“Yuuri’s already cut me off,” he whined.

 

Yakov met Yuuri’s eyes and the Japanese skater was certain he was reading the exasperation.  “Your skater shouldn’t have to cut you off, Vitya,” he admonished.  “Go back to your room.”

 

Victor pouted the rest of the way home, sometimes his feet stilling, losing himself in his thoughts.  Yuuri was more than thankful he had his old coach and best friend accompanying them back to the room.  Once they reached the door, he pushed Victor inside with the order, “Get ready for bed.”  Turning to the others, he sighed.  “I haven’t seen him like this.  I don’t know what to say.”

 

“Don’t worry about it,” Ciao Ciao stated.  “He’s young and he’s going to make mistakes.  Let him sleep it off.”

 

Yuuri nodded, murmuring “good night” as he backed into the room.  They waved goodbye and continued down the hall to their rooms.  Turning around, he found Victor in tears.  “Sweetheart,” he murmured.

 

“I messed up,” Victor exclaimed.

 

“No, baby...we’re still figuring this out,” Yuuri reassured him.

 

“But...I’m supposed to be taking care of you.  Yakov’s right.  You shouldn’t have to cut me off.”

 

“We are supposed to take care of each other.  Your head is still fuzzy from the alcohol.  Let’s sleep and talk about this in the morning.”

 

Victor sniffed.  “I don’t know...what’s happening to me.  I was fine...then I wasn’t.  I thought...this is how I tried to fix it before.”

 

Yuuri slid his hands over Victor’s.  “And that didn’t work.  That’s why you came looking for me.”

 

Victor nodded.  “I didn’t realize how easy it would be to fall into old habits.  I’m sorry, Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri guided him under the covers and tucked them up around him.  “Do you want to sleep alone tonight?”

 

Victor’s lip puckered breaking Yuuri’s heart.  “N-no...but perhaps I don’t deserve your company.”

 

“Don’t be silly,” Yuuri muttered, indulgent exasperation settling in on his expression.  “Let me change and I’ll join you.”  Yuuri found his pajamas quickly enough.  It was then that he noticed the obsessive precision of how their belongings were organized earlier.  _  Why didn’t I notice this earlier?  He was trying to tell me and I just didn’t see it.  _  He then remembered how Victor kept pulling him away at the press conference.  _  He was telling me he was at his limit.  He wanted to be there for me but he, too, has his limits.  We’ll need to talk about this.  _  Turning to Victor who was staring across the room into nothingness, Yuuri frowned.   _ Tomorrow, not tonight. _

 

He reached for the medication organizer and pulled out his and Victor’s evening meds.  Bringing his lover a glass of water, he handed him the pills.  “What if they don’t work?” Victor whispered.

 

“Then we talk to Sasaki-sensei and have her make adjustments.”

 

“I just...want to be settled.  I hate feeling out of control.”

 

“I know...but you need to tell me if you need help.  Even if I’m leaning on you.”

 

Victor’s eyes flicked up to meet his eyes.  “You were already stressed.  I didn’t want to add to it.”

 

“We’re in this together.”  Yuuri slid into bed next to Victor.  “Trust me.”

 

“I do...I’m trying.  It just...I didn’t expect to be like this.”

 

“I know.  It’s okay.  We’ll figure this out.”  He wrapped Victor up in his embrace and felt the man snuggle into him.  The body shook, just barely, but Yuuri could feel his tears dampening his shirt.

 

“I feel too much,” he whispered finally.  “It scares me.”

 

“It scares me when I feel too much.  But you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.  Can you sleep?”

 

“I think so.  I’ll try.”

 

“If you can’t, don’t suffer in silence.”

 

Victor nodded.  He then settled in next to Yuuri, his body stilling in the younger man’s embrace.  Yuuri watched him, taking in his vulnerability.   _ This is going to be much harder than I thought.  _  He smoothed Victor’s hair out and continued to weave his fingers through the tresses.   _ You’re worth it but it isn’t going to be easy.  For either of us. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so Victor unraveling at the competition took me by surprise. How about you? However, his character insisted on writing himself and unravel he did.


	43. Diamonds (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cup of China – Short Program (eventually) after facing how one affects another...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a backlog of these so I hope I don't lose ground in posting these. I hope you like where I'm taking this. ;)
> 
> Thank you, BluSkates and Magrathea, for your lovely edits!

* * *

 

[ Diamonds ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ya-kUZdoleY)

 

 

Victor rubbed his hand through his hair as he stretched out next to Yuuri.  It had been a rough night.  He felt Yuuri’s body next to him, wrapped around him from behind.   _Yesterday was not good.  I have to be present for Yuuri.  Especially in competition._  He pulled away from Yuuri and found his feet.  Heading to the bathroom, he tangled his feet in clothes shed on the floor.  “Yuuri,” he muttered then he frowned.   _No, these are mine._  He picked them up and dropped them in the laundry bag he had hung on a hook.  He glanced around, looking for more things out of place.   _Shoes._  He scooped them out of the haphazard location where he shed them and placed them next to Yuuri’s by the door.   _I went from one extreme to the other last night._

 

Bodily urges pulled him back to the present and he disappeared into the bathroom.  When he returned to the room he found Yuuri sitting up on the edge of the bed but not quite awake.  “Shall I order breakfast?” he offered cheerily.

 

Yuuri leveled a stare at him.  “You don’t have to do that.”

 

“What do you mean?”  Victor’s eyebrows raised in surprise.

 

“Force cheer into your voice.  In fact, I’d prefer that you didn’t,” he stated in a disgruntled voice.

 

Victor sighed, dropping the demeanor.  “I just...I don’t know how to fix this.”

 

“Of course you don’t.  We’re still figuring this out.  But that doesn’t mean you have to fake it.  Especially when we’re alone.  It’s harder for me to tell when something is wrong.”

 

“I-I didn’t want you to know.  I wanted you to be able to rely on me.  I’m your coach, after all.”

 

“Relying on you doesn’t mean that we disregard your needs.  Okay?”

 

Victor nodded.  He didn’t know what to say so he remained quiet and waited.

 

Yuuri looked up and met his eyes.  “You don’t have to walk on eggshells, either.  I’m not mad.  I just...I didn’t see what was happening.  The...organization of the room.  Do you always do that?”

 

“I-it helps me to keep control,” Victor confessed quietly.  “I unpack and set everything to order, planning what I’ll wear and which accessories, laying it all out…”

 

“What happens if things don’t go as planned?”

 

Victor shrugged.  “I don’t let it.  I mean, things don’t have to be perfect, just have the appearance of perfect.”

 

Yuuri frowned.  “And at the press conference?  When you pulled me away?”

 

“I-I didn’t want to be there anymore.  They were making you uncomfortable.”

 

“And you?”

 

“Perhaps,” he whispered.

 

“You said you wanted to be open.  I-I guess I don’t know what you meant.”

 

“It is one thing to be open.  It’s another thing to respond to intrusive questions.  I just...wanted us to be ourselves.  But...it’s harder said than done.  I’m...used to keeping up a certain appearance.”

 

“When you are struggling, I’m there for you as well.  I know your public persona.  You wear it like a shield.  If that’s what you need to do, then so be it.”

 

“But Yuuri...what about us?”

 

Yuuri slid his fingers into Victor’s hair, lifting his fringe to look into both eyes uninhibited.  “Is there no room for us in that persona?”

 

Victor thinned his lips then nodded.  “There is always room.”

 

“Now at the restaurant.  You were drinking.  You can’t do that on your meds.  It could hurt you.”  Yuuri’s voice remained firm.  “It’s like depressant on top of depressant.”

 

Victor sighed, his chin dropping snuggling into Yuuri’s neck to hide.  “Everything...felt out of sorts.  I didn’t know how to right the axis.  So...I tumbled over the edge.”

 

“When things feel out of sorts, you need to tell me.  I didn’t know I needed to take care of you until you had three drinks in you.”

 

“I-I’m sorry.”  Victor’s lip trembled close to tears.  The Japanese man turned and pulled Victor between his legs.  Victor settled in, leaning forward, resting his head on Yuuri’s shoulder.  The arms resting around him felt comforting.  “I didn’t mean to hold back,” he murmured.

 

“I know.  We just need to find ways to communicate better.  We don’t have to be anywhere until this afternoon.  Let’s be self-indulgent and sleep a little later.  We can have brunch instead of breakfast.”

 

Victor snuggled into Yuuri’s arms in response.  As they stretched out next to one another,  Yuuri’s hand slid over Victor’s cheek and rested on his neck, his thumb guiding Victor’s chin up.  As his eyes met Yuuri’s, Victor felt vulnerable in those arms.  Yuuri’s touch was tender and loving as he brushed a kiss against Victor’s forehead, dipping down to kiss the tip of his nose before dropping a kiss on his lips.  “I love you,” he murmured.  Victor wrapped his arms around him tucking himself under Yuuri’s chin.

 

* * *

  


Speeding the morning relaxing and snuggling seemed to help reset Victor.  Yuuri’s acceptance of his flaws allayed any guilt he carried and soon they were up and heading down to breakfast.  They had practice at one.  Victor was seated in his chair about to take a drink from the glass of juice when he froze then set it down as Yuuri turned and spotted his partner’s old coach.  Yakov’s approach indicated they were seen as well.

 

“Vitya?” he asked with underlying concern in his voice.

 

“Yakov,” he murmured in response.  Taking a deep breath, he met the coach’s gaze.  “I know I messed up last night.”

 

The old coach grunted.  “I just know you don’t handle your liquor well.  Remember, we never went past two drinks in competition.”  The coach’s gaze traveled to Yuuri and the younger man’s eyes widened in realization.  He was saying this for Yuuri’s benefit as well.  “I suspect you were quite the mess last night.”

 

“Yes, sir,” Victor answered, his eyes dropping, shame and embarrassment rising up in his stomach.  “I don’t...everything just unraveled.  I’m calling my psychiatrist later.”

 

“Good.  Glad to see you taking responsibility for your health.”  The coach then placed a hand on his shoulder and Victor’s blue eyes drew up.  “You’re still important.  Don’t let them see you crumble, okay?”

 

Victor nodded.  He watched Yakov walk away to where Georgi was seated.  Turning to Yuuri, he murmured, “I don’t know if I can eat.”

 

Yuuri thinned his lips and considered what was left before he answered, “Eat your eggs and drink your juice.  You need something on your stomach so your meds don’t make you sick.”

 

Victor nodded and forced the eggs down.  He even managed some rice.  It wasn’t like the eggs and rice Yuuri made.  Drinking the juice, he pushed back the plate.  “I’m sorry.”

 

Yuuri smiled encouragingly.  “It’s okay...there are days I struggle with eating as well.”

 

Victor sighed.  “At least I’m not skating.  Shall we go?”

 

Yuuri nodded, offering a hand.

 

Victor could feel the ghost of a smile breaking through his expression.  “I will get better,” he whispered, but he felt determined.  Yuuri’s strength and assurance helped.

 

* * *

  


Victor could tell Yuuri was distracted and inwardly kicked himself.  Calling Yuuri over to the boards, he restricted the younger man from jumps.  Yuuri’s jaw stiffened though and Victor knew what that meant.  The first jump caused him to hit the ice hard.  Victor released a breath of frustration.  He glanced over and spotted Chris approaching him.  “Your boy is struggling.”

 

“That’s because he doesn’t listen to his coach,” Victor responded with a frown.

 

Chris smirked.  “Sounds like someone else I know.”

 

Victor rolled his eyes.  “Shut up,” he replied, though a smile touched his lips.

 

“Let’s do dinner this evening.  This time without drinks.”

 

“You’ve heard?”

 

“You had a young audience, so yes.”

 

Victor nodded as he released a long sigh, his fingers making circles at his temples.  “Sure.  Dinner sounds good.”  He watched on with amusement as Josef called Chris back onto the ice.  Chris rolled his eyes and waved in response before returning to practice.

 

When practice wrapped up, Yuuri came in to face Victor’s reproach.  Victor cocked an eyebrow as he handed him his guards.  “It’s one thing to be determined.  It’s another to unreasonably invite injury simply because you are too stubborn to listen to your coach.”

 

“I should be able to do the jumps.”

 

“You aren’t in the right frame of mind.  It’s my fault, but still, you aren’t there.”  Yuuri’s mouth opened to protest but Victor held up his hand to stop him.  “I take responsibility for not being what you needed last night.  I didn’t communicate.  I know better, but I, too, am stubborn.  I don’t want you to take unnecessary risks and injure yourself.  Now let’s go take care of those bruises before we join Chris for dinner.”

 

“Chris?”

 

“Da.  He invited us and I accepted.  Feel free to invite your friend as well.”

 

“Oh.  Okay.”  Yuuri took his phone from Victor and tapped out a message.  After a moment, he had a response.  “He said yes.”

 

“We’ll meet in the lobby at six.”  Victor guided Yuuri out of the arena and they caught a cab back.

 

In their room, he chased down ice while Yuuri showered.  He returned to Yuuri dressed only in his boxers surveying some lovely bruises blooming on his body.  Victor clicked his tongue in chastisement.

 

“I know,” Yuuri muttured.

 

Victor bagged up the ice and wrapped it before handing the packs to Yuuri.  The younger man hissed but suffered the consequences.  Setting the timer, Victor pulled a blanket over the man and wrapped his arms around him.  “I love you, but you’re stubborn as hell,” he stated pointedly.

 

“It’s not the first time I’ve been told that,” Yuuri stated dryly.

 

“I can imagine Mari, Minako, Ciao Ciao, Phi…”

 

“Alright alright,” Yuuri cut him off but there was a smile on his face.  “I can guarantee we’ll bump heads about this again,” he promised.

 

“I’m certain of it,” Victor responded.  The timer went off and Victor took the ice packs and tossed them into the sink as Yuuri wrapped back up in the blanket.  He set an alarm on the clock for five then snuggled up to the other man.  “I’m sorry my depression is causing you problems,” he murmured.

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “My anxiety, your depression.  We’re quite a pair.  It’s okay, though.  I’d rather struggle with you than be with anyone else.”

 

Victor’s lips parted in surprise but he understood.  Because he felt the same about Yuuri’s anxiety.  “I guess...this is our first real challenge.  I mean, we had the challenge of the local, but this one…”

 

“And we’ll get through it,” Yuuri said quietly.

 

“This is backwards.  I’m supposed to be encouraging you,” Victor pouted.

 

“I’ll let you do that tomorrow,” Yuuri promised, his lips quirked up in amusement.

 

Victor leaned into Yuuri and caught his lips.  “I don’t know that anyone has been as patient with me as you.”

 

“Not even Chris?” Yuuri asked.  Victor had told him about how Chris found him, how their relationship built and shifted over time.

 

“I guess he was pretty patient,” Victor admitted quietly.  “We just...he…”

 

“I know.  He wasn’t exclusive.  And you, Vitya, need someone who can focus on you.  And that’s okay.”

 

Victor tightened his arms around Yuuri, burying into his chest.  “I love you.”

 

“I know.  I love you, too.”

 

* * *

  


After they rested and were dressed, they met the others downstairs.  “Chris, where is your partner?” Victor asked surprised.

 

Chris shrugged.  “Lawrie and I...well, it’s complicated.  He’s watching my cat, though.”

 

Victor frowned but left it at that.  They could talk later.  “We’re waiting for Phichit.”  Victor watched as Chris’s eyes registered interest.  Interesting.

 

“He’s on his way,” Yuuri responded after checking his phone.

 

“Good,” answered Chris.  “Now tell me, darling, how are you?”

 

Yuuri blushed and subconsciously drew closer to Victor.  Victor slipped an arm around him.  “I’m fine.  Just...a bit bruised.”

 

“Oh, I wasn’t asking about your skating.  I could surmise that from the falls you took earlier.  But how are you?  With this one?”  He motioned towards Victor.

 

Yuuri squirmed uncertainly.  Victor knew part of this was tied to their own struggle that day.  He looked up at Victor for help and Victor rescued him.  “Chris, be nice.  Yuuri already has to put up with me.”

 

Chris raised an eyebrow.  “Well, at least tonight we’ll keep the fun clean...relatively speaking.”  Turning back to Yuuri, he added, “Managing Victor at these events comes second nature to me.  If you need help, let me know.”

 

“Oh...I-” again Yuuri stuttered to a stop.  Taking a deep breath, he resumed.  “I think we manage each other.  I can be rather difficult myself.”

 

Chris gave him a lazy smile then waved at someone approaching.  They turned to greet Phichit.

 

“So it’s the four musketeers tonight,” Phichit greeted.  “What kind of mischief do we have in mind?”

 

“Just dinner,” Victor stated with a little chagrin.  “I think last night’s...mischief...caused a bit of stress today.”  He gave Yuuri a reassuring squeeze.  “I’ve promised Yuuri no alcohol.”

 

“I’ll hold you to it,” Chris stated.

 

“We all will,” Yuuri added.

 

They arrived at the restaurant and were seated family style with several other skaters and coaches.  Soon the courses began to arrive and they passed the dishes around to sample the various foods.  Although two pourings of wine were included, most of the skaters turned their glass upside down to indicate they wouldn’t be partaking receiving water in its absence.  All four in Victor’s party abstained for the sake of the Russian.

 

The atmosphere was festive and Guang-hong was able to set aside his shyness in order to answer questions like a good host.  A lot of laughter passed through the group and Victor felt his spirits lift as they left.

 

“Better?” Chris asked.

 

Victor smiled and nodded.  “What made you think of this place?”

 

“Social media.  Several of us contacted Guang-hong and he set it up through his coach.  You’ve been so busy that I noticed you weren’t on the thread,” Chris explained.

 

Phichit nodded.  “I was going to invite you but Chris beat me to it.”

 

Victor thinned his lips.  “I’ve been...trying to work through everything.  And...after you bury it all, it seems that it rooted in.  But...I am seeing a psychiatrist.  I’m on meds which is why I really shouldn’t drink.  I’m sorry, Yuuri, Phichit, for my behavior the other night.”

 

Phichit shrugged.  “It’s nothing compared to some nights I took care of Yuuri.”

 

“Phichit!” Yuuri exclaimed.

 

“It sounds like war stories.  We should share,” Chris suggested with a wink.

 

Phichit smiled with a little blush of interest.  Yuuri groaned.  And Victor, he started to laugh.  And laugh some more.  Until the others could not help but join in.  And as they parted to go to their separate rooms, Victor couldn’t help but notice that Chris had his hand on Phichit’s back leading him down the hall.   _Maybe not so separate rooms,_ he decided.

 

* * *

  


The next day felt more together.  Victor had his lists in order and Yuuri knew he wouldn’t have to worry on the day it counted.  He could see the cheer in Victor’s face was more open and sincere.  They arrived at the arena and began getting ready.  Victor settled Yuuri’s costume on the rack and Yuuri began the process of getting ready.  He allowed Victor to arrange his hair relaxing in the attention.

 

“There you are!  Beautiful!” Victor murmured and smiled at the blush rising in his partner’s cheeks.  How he loved that look on him!

 

They joined the other skaters in the holding room and Yuuri was drawn to the monitor, watching Phichit perform his skate.  “He always wanted to skate to this,” he murmured.

 

Victor smiled as he watched Yuuri, his arms wrapped around him from behind.  As Phichit finished, Yuuri began to jog in the aisle to warm up.  Victor studied the man before him, taking in his determined expression.  After a moment, Chris leaned in and asks if he’s alright.

 

“I don’t know.  I haven’t seen him like this,” Victor confessed, waving his hand to Chris to quieten him down.  Victor continued to observe his skater until it was time for Yuuri to go out and skate.  Victor met him at the boards.

 

Yuuri grasped his hands holding his expression with determination.  “Don’t take your eyes off of me!” he demanded before taking his thumb to brush across Victor’s lips.  As Yuuri moved into position, Victor stared awestruck, his finger tracing the thumb’s movement.

 

Yuuri settled into position and Victor watched the story unfold enthralled by the teasing lick of his lips, the jaunt of his chin, the beautiful smile sent his direction.   _Damn!  Something’s different about him today._  He flirted and teased, casting glances towards Victor in a seductive dance and Victor was entranced.  With a swing of the hip highlighted by the half skirt, Yuuri became the seductive woman and Victor was lost to him.  And although it was nothing Victor could act on anytime soon, he knew he wanted this man.  More than any other, he wanted this man.

 

Yuuri nailed his first two jumps and then a quad-triple netting.  He watched Yuuri cast aside the lover in his story and then close himself off.  The audience loved it.  He skated to Victor’s arms and Victor wrapped him in his embrace.

 

“That was beautiful!” Victor exclaimed.

 

Yuuri chewed his lip uncertainly.  “Do you think the audience liked it?”

 

As they waited in the kiss and cry, the announcer talked about how Yuuri’s program had the highest technical score and history and Yuuri achieved a personal best.

 

**106.84**

 

The audience gave him a standing ovation.  Yuuri looked overwhelmed and Victor immediately pulled him into an embrace.  “How could they not love a performance like that, Yuuri?” Victor murmured in his ear.  Yuuri tentatively wrapped his arms around Victor’s waist.   _That’s it, Yuuri.  Let them infer.  Soon no one will doubt our love._

 

They moved to the seats to watch the rest of the programs, joining Phichit and Guang-hong who had both already skated.  Victor’s arm rested loosely around Yuuri’s waist as they cheered on their fellow competitors.  Georgi skated his heartbreak.  Leo showed a personal connection to his music.  Chris...reminded everyone that he’s called ‘sex on ice’ for a reason.

 

“He seems to be winning the competition on sex appeal,” Yuuri noted.

 

Victor tightened his arm around Yuuri.  “I prefer your brand of eros, my Yuuri.”  Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted the other two skaters watching on in excitement.

 

Yuuri finished the evening in first, to no one’s surprise.  However, everyone seemed even more determined to win the next day.

 

* * *

  


Back in their room, Victor came out of the shower to find Yuuri already in bed.  He smiled softly at the brunette.  Slipping under the sheets behind him, Victor wrapped his arm around Yuuri’s waist, brushing a kiss behind his ear.  “I’m so proud of you,” he murmured.

 

Yuuri trembled in his arms and gave Victor a wide-eyed nod.  “What if I fuck up tomorrow?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmmm....


	44. Glass Heart (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cup of China – Free Skate melt down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...apparently I'm writing the emotions. So be prepared.
> 
> Thanks to my friends BluSkates and Magrathea for the edits.

* * *

[ Glass Heart ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4mnhFsyi9c)

 

  
  


A day in between short and free programs and Celestino watched thoughtfully as his old student fought the ice.  “He’s in his head,” the older coach pointed out to Victor.

 

“I know.  He said last night he was worried about fucking up,” Victor admitted.

 

Ciao Ciao nodded.  He knew his former student well.  “He’ll hold onto that thought unless you can find a way to dislodge it.  You might see if Phichit can come up with some distraction strategies.”

 

“I don’t want to hinder your student,” Victor murmured.

 

Ciao Ciao smiled thoughtfully.  “Separating those two is nearly impossible.  They live to support each other well.  Let them do what they do best.”

 

Victor sighed and nodded, looking thankful at the suggestion.  Celestino watched Victor interact with Yuuri as he pulled him in.  Definitely more than a coach-student relationship.  That soft expression unhindered by alcohol said more than words.  He mentally wished his old student the best of luck before dealing with Phichit.

 

* * *

  
  


Phichit suggested an adventure.  They arrived at a the  [ Donghuamen Night Market ](https://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g294212-d1204493-Reviews-Donghuamen_Night_Market-Beijing.html) to Phichit’s delight.  Yuuri raised an eyebrow as if to say “Are you sure?” and Victor laughed in response.  “Why not go on an adventure?”

 

Phichit led them down the streets.  Guang-hong and Leo were close behind.  Chris watched the Thai with thoughtful eyes but hung closer to Victor and Yuuri.  They wandered through stalls of strange foods skewered on sticks, and Yuuri could feel some of the tension release in his shoulder as he found a ghost of a smile.

 

They settled on skewered vegetables and some dumplings for their meal for the evening.  Yuuri found some gifts for his family and friends back home.  Phichit located a hamster hat and couldn’t resist the purchase.  Victor bought strawberries and kiwi skewered together and shared it with Yuuri, taking a bite from the opposite side of the stick, a picture of that may or may not have been posted by Phichit.  Chris edged closer to Phichit as the evening progressed and somehow, they ended up as three couples, Leo and Guang-hong, Yuuri and Victor, and Chris and Phichit.  Yuuri’s eyes rose in surprise as he watched Chris’ hands entwine with Phichit’s.

 

Victor leaned in and whispered, “I saw them disappear into the same room the other night.”

 

“Oh.  Ummm.  Wow!  Phichit’s one for keeping secrets!”

 

“Chris hasn’t really said anything, either.”

 

“They apparently were trying to get us together after the banquet,” Yuuri murmured.

 

“Chris knew I was interested in you and I know he reached out to Phichit.”

 

“Oh.  I…”  Yuuri turned into his shoulder.  “I wish I had remembered...or at least not knocked a glass of water onto that note.”

 

“You kept it, though.  So something made you think it was important,” Victor pointed out softly.

 

“Mmmhmmm,” Yuuri answered.  “You are always important to me.  I just couldn’t believe it was you...because I’m me.”

 

“I know you have trouble believing it, my Yuuri, but you, too, are important...especially to me,” Victor responded, a soft kiss against his forehead following.

 

* * *

  
  


The next day it was as if the evening of before had never happened.  Yuuri was tied up in knots once more, his anxiety teeming under his skin.  Yuuri knew it would be almost palpable, and Victor’s worried glances agreed with that assessment.  A few other skaters moved away from him, not wanting to pick up on that anxiety in case it affected their own skate.

 

“What’s going on in your thoughts?” Victor asked under his breath as he wrapped his arms around Yuuri from behind.

 

“Everything.  I can’t shut out the noise, Vitya,” he whispered harshly.  He could feel himself becoming overwhelmed.  He could feel his breathing becoming more labored.  He...turning to Victor, he looked up.  “Help…”

 

Victor nodded, taking his hand in one hand and slipping an arm around his shoulder with the other, guiding him away from the crowd.  “You don’t skate for hours.  We can go back to the room until time.”

 

“I hate to...but…”

 

“Come on,” Victor urged.  As they climbed into the taxi he hailed, Victor told him, “I was notorious about taking naps right up until time to skate.  I can sleep anywhere.”

 

“That could be dangerous,” Yuuri muttered.  “We work in a rink.”

 

Victor chuckled.  “Yakov would never allow me to sleep at the rink.  The locker rooms, yes.  Once on the reception counter.  The dance studios when unoccupied.”

 

Yuuri gaped at him as he recounted places where he stole sleep.  “How is it that you sleep so much?”

 

Victor shrugged.  “Sleep...can be an escape,” he admitted.  Then putting his arms around Yuuri’s shoulder as he guided him out of the cab and into the hotel, he added, “But sometimes it’s a necessity.”

 

As they reached their room, Yuuri curled up into bed and soon had his boyfriend wrapped around him, the weight of the older man’s body grounding him somewhat.  “Vitya?  Did you set an alarm.”

 

“Mmmhmmm,” he muffled against Yuuri’s neck giving the younger man a shiver.

 

Yuuri closed his eyes, tried to shut down his thoughts.

 

_ Victor, why do you waste your time with me?  I’m a craptastic skater at best.  They don’t want to see me.  They are only looking at me so they can see you.  I don’t know what you see in me.  Why the JSF keeps sending me.  They are just waiting for me to finish so they can move on to the next.  I’m unreliable.  I’m going to fail.  Over and over.  That’s what I’m known for.  And I’m wasting your time, Victor.  You’re worth so much more than me.  I’m going to fuck this up.  My skating.  My life.  My love.  It’s all going to explode on me. _

 

Two hours passed by and the alarm chimed.  Yuuri was carding his fingers through Victor’s hair as he roused to the sound.  He leaned forward and brushed his lips over Yuuri’s.  “Are you ready?” he murmured.

 

Yuuri nodded.  He may as well be ready...it wasn’t as if he had any choice at this point.  It was too close to performance time.

 

They arrived at the arena and he could feel Victor’s worried glances the entire way.  As they entered the dressing room, Yuuri pulled on his costume and Victor began to work on his appearance.  His coach frowned as he put concealer under his eyes before completing his makeup.  “You didn’t sleep,” he commented with a sigh.

 

“I tried,” Yuuri responded helplessly.

 

“I’m not doing a good job taking care of you,” the older man admitted unhappily.  He leaned forward and brushed a kiss against his forehead.  “Nothing can be done now about the lack of sleep.  Do not do any jumps during your warm up.”

 

Yuuri said nothing even as Victor gave him a side glance.  Yuuri began his warm up with his usual run through moves.  Three laps.  School figures.  Then, of course, he jumps.  And falls.  His chin down, he continues his warm up, the weight of past failures building up on his shoulder.  As he come off the ice, he could see Victor’s frown.   _ He’s disappointed in me.  I can’t even do a warm up right. _

 

“Come on, Yuuri,” Victor urged gently, handing him his guards and guiding him back to where they would wait.  Yuuri was the last to skate since he took first the previous evening.  He sat down as Victor watched over him and took a skate in his lap and began unlacing it.  Slipping the boot free, he drew on Yuuri’s trainer then repeated with the other foot.  Yuuri sighed heavily, his expression wretched.

 

He watched Guang-hong’s youthful skate on the monitor and listened to the audience response coming through the walls.  Reaching out, he turned it off.  Victor then wrapped an arm around him and dragged him out of the room.  “Victor...I have to…” Yuuri protested.

 

“Trust me.  We aren’t going far,” Victor stated.

 

They entered the quieter space of the basement parking.  Yuuri glanced around uncertainly.  He was so caught up in his own thoughts, his own overwhelming sense of failure.  Victor was at a lost what to do and as Yuuri reacted to the applause for the next skate, he threw his hands over Yuuri’s ears.  “Don’t listen!”

 

Yuuri’s eyes widened.  He couldn’t shut down the noise in his head.   _ I’mgoingtofail I’mgoingtofail I’mgoingtofail  _ continued to ring through his thoughts.

 

Victor wrapped his arms around him.  “Perhaps I’m just hurting you.  I thought I could coach you but I have no experience.  If you don’t win, I’ll take responsibility for it...and resign as your coach, Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri could feel the sob push out, break free, as large dollopy tears started to drip from his eyes.  “H-how could you s-say that?”

 

“I-I’m sorry!  I don’t want to...I just...I won’t resign, Yuuri!  I just said that to try and motivate you!”

 

“I know!”  Yuuri could see the expression of uncertainty switch to startled surprise at the force of his response.  “I fail...so many times I fail.  I’m used to my failure, my shortcomings.  I can bear them even if it seems I can’t.  But I...don’t want them to reflect on you.”

 

“Yuuri…”

 

“You know how I feel about you.  You know that I love you.  You also know that I’ve looked up to you and you are the reason I skate.  I...don’t feel worthy of your time, of your notice.  And part of me still asks if you want out, if you want to be free of me.”

 

“I don’t…”

 

“I know!  I just...I need you to believe in me when I can’t believe in myself.  That’s all I ask.”  Yuuri dropped his eyes but felt Victor’s arms wrap around him.  After a bit, he drew a shaky breath.  “Vitya, we need to go back.”

 

Victor nodded.  Once inside, Victor pulled out the makeup kit and fixed Yuuri’s makeup.  Yuuri’s expression fell into a serene state and Victor watched him from behind as he sat before the mirror.  Finishing touches to his hair, they approached the holding space.  Victor would meet him at the boards.

 

As his blade hit the ice, he felt a state of calm come over him unlike any he’d experienced before.   _ Huh, I never cried before a skate before.  This is odd.  _  He skated before Victor and he could see the regret in the older man’s stance.   _ I didn’t mean for you to be hurt.  Sometimes my anxiety refuses to pull any punches. _  He blew his nose and as Victor moved to take the tissue, Yuuri released it just beyond his grip.  Victor lunged for it exposing his hair whorl.  Yuuri poked it and skated away, glancing back to see the surprised expression on his coach, his hand on the crown of his head.  He sent back a soft smile in his direction.   _ I love you, idiot.  More than any of this, I love you.  Can’t you see that? _

 

As he prepared for his final jump he couldn’t hold back the smile.   _ I know how to tell you I love you in a way you won’t be able to doubt, Vitya.   _ He made the switch, leading into the jump and launched into a quad flip.  He couldn’t hear the excitement of the announcer as he landed it and even with a touch down, it had enough rotations.  He couldn’t hear the the roar of the audience.  His thoughts were focused on one man.  As he headed off the ice at the close of his program, he called out to him.  And Victor met him halfway, launching to envelope him in his arms.  Yuuri could feel a protective hand going to the back of his head as lips met lips.

 

A chuckle escaped as their lips parted.  Victor’s eyes held his adoringly.  He understood Yuuri’s message on the ice.  “You continue to surprise me, my Yuuri.  And this was all I could think of to surprise you back.”

 

Yuuri smiled indulgently up at his coach.  “It worked…”  As Victor pulled him back to his feet and guided him off the ice to wait for their scores, he glanced towards the cameras.  Victor’s arm was securely around him and Yuuri’s head rested against his shoulder.   _ Infer the hell out of that _ ! he thought with a smile.

 

The scores were announced landing Yuuri with a silver.  Phichit took gold and Chris bronze.  Victor watched with a smile as his lover and friends received their glitter.

 

* * *

  
  


**Phichit/ So, about that kiss…**

 

**Yuuri/ It’s not like it’s the first time we kissed.**

 

**Phichit/ But you both sleep in the same room.**

 

**Yuuri/ Yes.**

 

**Phichit/ Together.**

 

**Yuuri/ I’ve told you this.**

 

**Phichit/ You’re going to make me ask it.**

 

**Yuuri/ Ask what.**

 

**Phichit/ He’s obviously serious about you.  He’s never been this public with his affections.**

 

**Yuuri/ Yes.**

 

**Phichit/ So...how is he in bed?**

 

**Yuuri/ I...can’t answer that.**

 

**Phichit/ So no kiss-and-tell even with your bff?**

 

**Yuuri/ No...we haven’t.**

 

**Phichit/ Well, it won’t be long.  It’s obvious he wants you.**

 

**Yuuri/ ....**

 

**Yuuri/ shit**

 

**Yuuri/ Ummm...I’ve got to go.**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phichit is such a great friend...


	45. Heavy (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An upset Yuuri...and a dance or three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short and sweet. I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Thank you so much to BluSkates and Magrathea for your support and edits!

* * *

 

[ Heavy  ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lp00DMy3aVw)

  
  
  


Victor watched Yuuri settle within himself as they arrived home, fidgeting as they sorted laundry, jerking nervously when Victor reached out to touch him.  Victor sighed as he walked with Makkachin...alone.  “I don’t know, Makka.  I don’t think he’s mad at me.  But he’s working hard to keep me at arm's length.  I’m not sure what to do.”

 

Makka boofed in answer as she sniffed around the edge of the grass.

 

“You think I should invite him to my room?  We have been sleeping in the same bed.  It’s not like we aren’t in a relationship.”

 

The poodle looked up at him and huffed impatiently.

 

“I know, I know.  I’m being ridiculous.  Of course Yuuri wants to be with me!  He did a quad flip!  Did you see it, Makka?  Did you watch my Yuuri skate?”

 

Makkachin boofed once more giving the lead a tug back towards the inn.

 

“I agree.  Why are we out here when he’s there?  Let’s go find Yuuri!”  They took off in a light jog all the way back to the inn.

 

When they arrived, Victor released Makkachin while he hung his coat.  He arrived upstairs in time to see the door to Yuuri’s room open and let Makkachin in, closing behind her.  Victor frowned.   _ What the hell? _

 

Victor entered his room and distracted himself with busyness.  He finished unpacking and pulled out his laptop.  Might as well make himself useful.  He began analyzing Yuuri’s skate videos and making notes.  With his door open, he’d be able to see Yuuri if he walked by.   _ Maybe he is just tired.  Jetlagged.  _  Victor’s thoughts supplied many excuses for Yuuri’s behavior, all of them plausible.  Except...something niggled in the back of his thoughts.  Something was off.

 

He heard the door open finally and watched as well as listened.  Makka’s claws brushing the floor told him the dog was out and huffs indicating she was sniffing.  Probably looking for Victor.  She came to his door and whined.  “Well, come here, silly girl,” he invited with an indulgent smile.  Only she didn’t come.  Victor pushed himself up and approached the door.

 

From his door frame, he could see Yuuri’s door was open.  He hesitantly approached.  Touching the facing, he peeked inside.  Yuuri was curled up in the corner of his bed, knees drawn to his chest.  “Yuuri?”

 

Victor heard a sniff then a muffled apology.  “Sorry.”

 

“Can I come in?”

 

In the shadows, Victor watched the man nod before whispering “yes”.

 

Victor approached him slowly, dropping down next to him on the mattress.  He leaned against the wall beside him, not touching.  Not until invited.  They remained quiet for a good long while before he felt Yuuri shift beside him.  An arm slipped around his, sliding palm to palm, a cheek resting against his shoulder.  “What’s wrong?”

 

“I-I don’t know.  I can’t quiet my thoughts.  I...want to be with you.  But...I’m scared.”

 

Victor took a deep breath and released it before tilting his cheek to rest against Yuuri’s head.  “With me how?”

 

“Y-you kissed me.  On live TV.”

 

“I did,” Victor confirmed, uncertain where Yuuri was going to go with this.

 

“A-and everyone expects us to...you know…” his voice trailed off but Victor could feel the heat emanating off of his body.

 

Victor sighed warily.   _ Oh, this. _  “I’m not in a relationship with everyone.  I’m in a relationship with you.  The only ones permitted to have expectations in this relationship are you and I.”

 

Yuuri was silent.  Victor could feel those hands tightening on his arm and in his hand.  He could imagine Yuuri nervously chewing his lip as he processed Victor’s words.  Finally, he spoke.  “Wh-what do y-you expect?”

 

Victor squeezed his hand.  He placed his other hand over the one clutching his arm.  Turning his head, he brushed his lips through Yuuri’s hair.  “I expect you to be true to yourself.  I expect you to hold out on me until you’re ready...not a moment before.  I expect you to love yourself enough to do that.”

 

Yuuri, again, remained still next to him.  “I-I can do that,” he whispered finally.

 

Victor squeezed his hand.  “Good,” he responded.  He tugged at Yuuri’s arm and the younger man shifted, settling into Victor’s embrace, his ear resting against Victor’s chest.  Both of Victor’s arms wrapped around him, his lips brushing a kiss through Yuuri’s hair.  “I love you...and one of the best ways you can love me is to love yourself, take care of yourself, and allow yourself the time you need.”

 

“Sometimes…” Yuuri stopped, seemed to redirect his scattered thoughts and started again.   “What if...I’m never ready,” he murmured.

 

“There are so many ways to show our love, Yuuri...think about how not long ago you made me get help.  That was love.  My love is shown by waiting...until you are sure you are ready.”

 

“But we sleep together, hold each other, kiss...shouldn’t we be moving forward?”

 

“We will.  When the time is right.  For now…”  Victor brushed another kiss against his forehead and felt the smaller body shift against him once more, chin lifting, then lips were meeting his.  The emotion of the evening charged that kiss.  Victor felt Yuuri’s hand wind up around the back of his neck, holding their lips together as they continued to taste each other, kiss after kiss.  Victor shifted down the bed and Yuuri settled on top of him, his lips following Victor’s.  A soft moan slipped from the younger man’s throat startling both of them.

 

Yuuri drew back, overwhelmed by what was awakening inside of him.  Victor stayed still allowing him to process what just happened.  Yuuri’s knees drew up though not as tight as before.  “I...I can’t do that.  I’m not trying to give mixed signals.  That’s...wrong.”

 

“Can I touch you?”

 

Yuuri nodded and Victor sat up, sliding an arm around Yuuri’s back, resting his cheek against his shoulder.  “I would have stopped you before you went too far.  I knew you weren’t ready.  I don’t want us to have sex just because we got caught up in the moment.  Especially after our conversation.”

 

Yuuri stared straight ahead considering his words.  He remained silent so Victor suggested another option.  “Let’s go to Minako’s.  You’re too tired to skate.  Let’s...express our love in another way.  A  _ healthy _ way.”

 

Yuuri took the proffered hand and followed him off the bed.  In the bathroom, they cleaned up.  Victor helped Yuuri into his coat before grabbing his own.  Tugging Minako’s key off the rack, they took off to the studio.

 

The evening was brisk, October announcing it’s arrival.  Leaves swirled up in the wind dancing in their path.  Makkachin bounded after the twirling mass restrained only by the lead.  The street lamps haloed, catching the misty haze.  People walked, enjoying the crisp weather in spite of the moisture.  Some carried umbrellas, others, like Yuuri and Victor, huddled together seeking the warmth of lovers.  Whoever said February was for lovers never walked in the crisp October air.

 

Arriving at the studio, Yuuri guided him inside.  Somewhere along the way, the heaviness had fallen away.  In the warm safety of the studio, Victor divested them both of their coats and hung them on the rack.  Yuuri toed out of his shoes and Victor wasn’t far behind him, his hand slipping around the younger man’s waist in the process.

 

“Why here?”

 

“It’s public enough and yet private enough.”

 

“I know Minako’s schedule.  It’s more private than you believe,” Yuuri stated, sliding an arm around Victor’s neck.

 

“I know Minako could possibly stop in at any minute,” Victor responded, his hands pulling their hips close together.  “And that will keep us both within bounds.”

 

Yuuri lifted his chin, brushing his lips against Victor’s neck before murmuring, “Dance with me, Vitya.”

 

“I thought you’d never ask.”

 

They plugged their phone into the speakers and Yuuri selected a playlist.  Victor shook his head.   _ Damn!  You aren’t going to make it easy for me to be good.  It’s almost as if you are testing me.  _  He smiled, though, going willingly into Yuuri’s arms as  [ Somewhere We Only Know ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bndf5HBylj8) filtered through the speakers.

 

There was nothing fancy about their dance moves.  They followed one another with ease but it was more about moving together, a conversation with their bodies, a promise only they could make.  Yuuri traded leads with him and then they traded back and that in itself spoke of their relationship.  When one fell, the other picked him back up, back and forth, taking care of one another.

 

As the song finished they stepped apart only slightly and Yuuri’s eyes met his.  “I think...I momentarily lost track of what was important,” he confessed.  “I focused on what we didn’t have, what we weren’t doing...and forgot all of the rest.”

 

“We have each other...the rest is just glitter.  You and me, we are what makes this works.  And as for me, it can only work with you.  Take your time.  I’m not just waiting on you.  I’m walking this journey with you...and savoring every moment.”

 

The next  [ song  ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dG6-bU6esKo) clicked into place as Victor pulled him into his embrace.  The pace was quicker and they danced in a looser frame, enjoying the way their bodies moved together, complemented one another, teasing and warm, laughter in their touches.  This was them, taking hold of one another and finding joy even as the life rained down upon them, dancing even in the rain.

 

Victor brushed his lips just beneath Yuuri’s ear as the next  [ song  ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgGUKWiw7Wk) fell into place, pulling Yuuri into a tighter embrace, their bodies moulding together.  Oh...and this was definitely them.  They loved each other for who they are, no excuses, no masks, wide open to one another, weaknesses on display.  Yuuri’s lips found his and they continued to dance through that kiss, swaying to the music, tender touches.  As they broke apart, Victor looked into his eyes.  “I love you...for you.  And all I ever ask is that you do the same in return.”

 

Yuuri blinked back his tears but his lips held a soft smile.  “I do...I very much do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know I mentioned another story but I think I need to focus some on my novel. So I'm going to continue these two for now and keep the other in the wings for when this one wraps up. :)


	46. The Truth (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rostelecom Cup – Arrival in Russia. Victor shows Yuuri around. As they greet some of Victor’s teammates, Yuuri is met with a bit of hostility.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the edits, Mags and Blu! This will possibly be my last post for the week. I'm going into a crazy week and am removing distractions. Enjoy! I'll be back next week!

* * *

 

Chapter 46 [ The Truth ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hCzOxsZ63c) (Yuuri)

 

Yuuri held onto Victor’s hand as they left the airport and climbed into the cab.  He had traveled to city after city during his skating career.  Yet here, in Moscow, with Victor - he felt vulnerable.  Victor easily tightened his hold on Yuuri and offered his arm as a shield as Yuuri settled in next to him.  In Russian, Victor gave directions to their hotel.  He seemed to sense something was off in Yuuri’s state...not that anxiety during competition would be a surprise to him.  Not at this stage.

 

Victor checked them in and guided them up to the fifth floor.  In the privacy of their room, Victor pulled him into an embrace.  “It’s just another competition.”

 

“This...place, the people here, they will hate me.  I took you away from them,” Yuuri argued.

 

“No, love...you saved me.  I was already lost,” he stated, a reassuring smile already in place.

 

Yuuri shook his head, his fingers sliding into his hair, tugging it, letting the pain ground him.  “They don’t know that,” he argued.

 

And Victor frowned.  He knew Yuuri was right.  Victor did not share his struggles with depression with the world.  It was such a private place and he didn’t want to share it.  And Yuuri would never make him.  “I’m...with you...where I’m supposed to be.  Where I want to be.”  He dislodged those hands from Yuuri’s hair and pulled him close.  

 

Yuuri rested an ear against his heart feeling its slow and steady beat block out the world and its noise until it was just the two of them.  Finally, Yuuri felt calmer and pulled back.  He knew his eyes reflected travel exhaustion and hoped they would stay in.  Victor seemed to read his thoughts.

 

“Let me settle us in.  You shower and rest.  I’ll join you once we are unpacked,” he directed.  As Yuuri found his pajamas, he added, “I’ll order room service tonight.  Tomorrow, I’ll take you out for some real Russian food after practice.”

 

Yuuri offered a wan smile and murmured, “That sounds good.  Thank you.”

  
  


At some point, Yuuri shifted in his sleep and threw an arm over a figure next to him.  Opening his eyes, he realized it was Victor’s lap.  The man in question was sitting up propped against pillows with a book in hand.  Yuuri squinted up at the title.  [ _The Girl in the Spider’s Web_ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Girl_in_the_Spider's_Web) by David Lagercrantz.  Yuuri remembered Chris talking about it in China.  Victor must have picked it up.

 

As he shifted up, Victor lowered the book and offered a smile.  “Good evening, _zolotse_ ,” he greeted warmly.

 

“Have I slept long?” Yuuri asked with a frown, running his hand through sleep tangled hair.

 

“A few hours.  It’s not quite seven.  Do you want to step out a few minutes?”

 

“Maybe move around.”

 

“There’s a gym and indoor track on the top floor.  That’s why this is so popular for athletes.”

 

“That sounds good,” Yuuri responded as he rubbed his eyes.  

 

“Good.  We’ll take a walk then order dinner.”

 

Yuuri staggered into the bathroom to clean up and relieve himself.  He realized he was lost in thought when he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Victor in the mirror.  

 

“Are you okay?” he asked, concerned blue eyes meeting his.

 

“Yeah, why?”

 

“You’ve been in here a while,” Victor responded.

 

“I...guess I was lost in my head,” Yuuri admitted.

 

“Can I help?”

 

In response, Yuuri leaned into him and felt Victor’s grounding strength wrap around him.  “I’m probably just tired.  Can we just go outside for some fresh air?”

 

“We can do that.  It will be cold, so grab your coat.”

 

Yuuri pulled on a hoodie then his coat.  Victor had on his overcoat and scarf.  Downstairs, Victor guided him outside and towards a small park.  “I would bring Makkachin when I competed here and we’d walk in this park.  It’s so hard for her to travel these days, though.  So I kept finding myself placing her with a dog sitter or kennel.  She doesn’t like it, though, and misses me when I’m away.  I hope...since she’s settled in with your family, she’s comfortable with our absence.”

 

“Mari said she did well last time.”

 

“Good.  Makkachin kept me going when no one else could.  Sometimes...it was the thought of her and no one taking care of her that kept me from tipping over the edge,” he admitted.

 

“How are you now?”

 

Victor stared off in the distance as he considered Yuuri’s question.  “I think caring for you helps me.  It’s...an okay day.  Are you still anxious about what we discussed earlier?”

 

“Yes...and no.  I...worry about disappointing you and then my thoughts go down a rabbit trail.  I can convince myself you want to leave although I know that’s not true.”

 

“I’ll tell you over and over again if I need to,” Victor stated with calm sincerity.  He slipped an arm around Yuuri’s shoulder and hugged him into his side.  When they returned, Yuuri felt a little calmer inside.  They spent the evening quietly, dining in their room and curled up together reading.  Yuuri’s head rested in Victor’s lap as the older man’s fingers carded through his hair.  Victor returned to his intrigue while Yuuri pulled Terry Pratchett’s last novel [ _The Shepherd’s Crown_ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Shepherd%27s_Crown) up on his phone.  He was not in a good mental state when it released in March.  Now he could focus better on the story and even smile at the comedic words.

 

* * *

  


Yuuri joined his fellow skaters on the rink for practice time.  He expected to have some hostility from the fans.  Yakov knew why Victor left.  For some reason that translated that his team mates would know as well.  However, the harsh stares seemed to state otherwise.  Some _accidental_ crossing of paths made it even more real.  As he came off the ice, he felt somewhat bruised in body but even more so battered in spirit.  He said nothing to Victor, who seemed to miss what had taken place.

 

The exception, of course, was Yuri who had spent time with them in Hasetsu.  Although, still determined to win, he did not succumb to bitterness.  When they met in the locker room, he said what Yuuri refused to say to Victor.  “They’re asses, you know.  They don’t see the big picture.  They didn’t see him as a person.”

 

“They...didn’t?”

 

“Not really.  Victor can be hard to get to know.  He puts on a front and well, people buy into it.”

 

“But you didn’t.”

 

Yuri shrugged.  “I mean, he’s an asshole.  But he’s...genuinely nice.  He would stay late and help me work on what I was trying to learn.  Long term promises, those suck.  He forgets.  Flakey like that.  But, I mean, he _did_ do my choreography, which was what he promised.”

 

“But they all resent me,” Yuuri stated quietly.  

 

“Tff,” the other Yuri responded.  “Fuck ‘em.  They don’t realize Victor would probably not be here either way.”

 

Yuuri sighed...he knew.  He knew that Victor was best with him.  He knew that he was seeking a reason to stay alive.  He knew...so many things.  Yuuri drew up his frame.   _Fine, then...I will show them my worth.  And there will be no regrets.  Victor is not an object.  He’s a person and what he wants matters.  And he wants...me._  A smile played at his lips.   _He wants me._  “Then we both need to show them that Victor is not wasting his time.”

 

Yuri offered a rare smile.  “Oh, hell yeah!”  Yuuri watched the crinkle in the corner of those green eyes.

 

They dressed and rejoined their coaches.  Victor guided Yuuri out with an arm around his shoulder.  He said nothing until they were in the cab.  “Are you okay?”

 

Yuuri blinked up at him in surprise.

 

“I’m not blind.  I knew...if I said something, it would just get worse.  Perhaps I need to be more outspoken about my state of mind.”

 

“Do you want that?  To open up about where you’re at mentally?”

 

“No.  Not really.  It’s private.  And I’m more private than people realize.”

 

“It’s okay.  Really.  Yura agrees with me.  Fuck ’em and show them your time was not wasted.”

 

Victor’s smile ghosted across his lips, uncertain but sincere.  “Thank you.”

 

Yuuri hugged him and Victor returned it with ease.  “You don’t have to thank me.  It’s me who owes you so much.”

 

“Oh, _lyubov moya_ , do you not realize how much I owe you?  I’m lost without you.”

 

Yuuri smiled, his head tucked under Victor’s chin.   _He wants me._

 

* * *

  


That evening, they were invited to join Yakov and the students he coached for dinner.  It was here that Yuuri realized not all of Russia hated him.  “Katsuki,” the old coach greeted.  “You seem to be making waves in the figure skating world this year.”

 

“I am thankful for Vitya’s attention,” he murmured shyly.

 

The old coach grunted.  “I think Vitya has more to be thankful for in this case.”  He turned towards the other two skaters he had with him.   “You’ve met Yuri Plisetsky.  This is Mila Babicheva in women’s singles and Anastasia Mikhailova in women’s ice dancing.”

 

“It’s nice to meet you both,” he responded with reserved warmth.  After practice, he was uncertain how he’d be received.

 

Mila looped her arm in his.  “So you are the warm brown eyes that caught the attention of our Vitya,” she teased.  She leaned her red head against his shoulder and he felt the warmth of her affection.  “He’s not an easy catch.”  Releasing him, she ran up to Victor and threw her arms around him.  “I’ve missed my big brother.”

 

Victor chuckled.  “You send me enough video and text; it’s like I never left at times.”

 

“Well, you pick out things others miss,” she glanced towards Yakov and he narrowed his gaze towards her.

 

“Here, now!” he protested but she only laughed in reply.

 

Anastasia studied Yuuri critically and he picked up right away her derision.  “So, are you planning to keep our hero from the ice?” she sneered.

 

He leveled a gaze in her direction.  “I don’t keep Vitya from anything he wants to pursue.”

 

“Whatever!” she responded with a flip of her hair.

 

“Anya,” Victor chastised.  “Play nice.”  He slipped an arm around Yuuri and guided him to dinner.  

 

With Victor’s help, he had choices within his dietary [ guidelines ](https://www.active.com/nutrition/articles/athletes-what-to-eat-and-when-for-top-performance?page=1).  He could feel people studying his plate and he played with the food self-consciously.  The others ate generously although their choices kept their performance in mind.  He glanced towards Victor’s plate and then realized he was eating the same as Yuuri.  Victor leaned towards him and urged him to eat.  He shifted uncomfortably and worked towards doing more than pushing food around on his plate.

 

As they left, Yakov pulled Victor to the side.  Yuuri found himself standing with the younger Yuri and Mila.  Anastasia, or Anya as he learned most called her, stood off to the side texting and ignoring the others.  “Sorry about her,” Mila apologized quietly.  “She’s...a lot of drama.  She ignored Victor the moment she learned he wasn’t interested in her.  I met him as a junior figure skater and he helped me really progress through my jumps.  She’s an idiot for not capitalizing on that friendship.  Then again, she’d have to be friendly.”

 

Yuri rolled his eyes.  “Or at least get her head out of her own ass.”

 

Mila rolled her eyes.  “Yura, language!”

 

“Too many rules around here!”

 

Victor draped an arm around his shoulder and answered, “You are always in the public eye if you are not in the privacy of your own home.  Never give the press words to use against you.”

 

“Yeah, yeah...I know.  Lilia has been drilling me like a sergeant.”

 

“And you love it,” Mila followed up with an eye roll.

 

As Yakov parted with his skaters, Victor turned to Yuuri and offered him a half smile following him into a cab.  “Some of the skaters at my rink I got along well with.  I worked with Yura and Mila.  Georgi and I often worked together with the harness.  The others...they used me when it was convenient but never bothered to get to know me.”

 

“I hung out with Phichit but I tended to isolate myself.  I knew other skaters and we’d hang out together as a group twice a month.  Ciao Ciao liked to do movie night.  Otherwise, we had our little cliques.”

 

“Cliques?”

 

“Small social groups that can be non-inclusive at times.”

 

“Oh, we definitely had those.  When Georgi was dating Anya, she always made it a point to snub the rest of us.  She’d pretend with me because she thought it would gain social status for her.  When it’s just Anya and Mila, she’d talk to Mila but Mila is onto her and knows she’ll drop her just as fast.”

 

“Sounds like high school.”

 

Victor snorted.  “If anyone attended.  I think we all went online when it came to secondary school.”

 

“I...attended regular school.  Practiced before and after.  I finished my work in school because I didn’t have time later.  But because of all of my physical activity, I was given study hall instead of gym.  That helped.”

 

“Wow!  You ranked up in the Junior Division while attending a regular high school even with your late start?”

 

Yuuri ran his hand over the back of his neck.  “I suppose?”

 

Victor chuckled as he patted Yuuri on his back, his hand relaxing into massaging circles.  “You never cease to amaze me.”  

 

They arrived at the hotel and Victor led Yuuri up to their room.  Yuuri showered and changed into his pajamas, slipping between the cool cotton sheets, failing to suppress a shiver that went up his neck.  Victor chuckled as he sat next to him reading.  Placing the bookmark in place, he set it aside before turning out the lamp.  He reached for the blanket and pulled it up to his neck before curling around his boyfriend.  “Good night, my Yuuri,” he murmured softly.

 

“Mmmm, g’night, Vitya,” he mumbled in reply now secure in Victor’s arms.  


	47. (Victor)  Young and Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rostelecom Cup – Short Program. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Cutting behaviors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back up and running! I'm not sure about my posting schedule but I knew it had been a while since I put up this story. Also, I think only one of my ladies had a chance to look it over. Of course, I did spit out like 8 chapters in 24 hours. So...there is that. We should be good, though for the next few weeks.
> 
> As always, thanks to the support and love of my friends and readers! Thank you, Magrathea, for the read through and edits.

* * *

 

[ Young and Beautiful ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_1aF54DO60)

 

  

TRIGGER WARNING:  Talk about cutting and cutting behavior.

 

 

 

Yuuri drank from his water bottle before handing it back to Victor.  Victor double checked his list before dropping it into his trench pocket.  He smiled encouragingly.  “Are you ready?”

 

Yuuri tugged at his hair but nodded.  Yuuri threw his duffle over his shoulder and his skate bag over the other.  Victor picked up the bag holding his costume.  “Are you sure you are comfortable dressing there?” the older man asked.

 

“The dressing room is roomier and they have partitions.  I think...I can do it.”  Yuuri shrugged, half frowning half smiling.

 

Victor pursed his lips and considered other options.  “If not, you could change in a shower stall,” he suggested.

 

“That won’t be too weird?”

 

Victor shrugged.  “I’ve done it.”  Yuuri looked up wide eyed and he continued, “Sometimes the cuts aren’t so easily covered.”

 

Yuuri’s mouth opened into an O.  He fidgeted with the string on his jacket not sure what to do  when Victor stepped into his space.  Yuuri lifted his chin and felt that soft brush of lips.  “I know...it’s a part of you.  I just...I didn’t expect you to speak so casually about it.”

 

“I didn’t mean to shock you.  I...still struggle with it.  I’ve talked to Sasaki-sensei about it.  I’ve never considered a life where I didn’t cut...it’s so ingrained in me.”

 

“And now?”

 

“I...don’t want to hurt myself.  But sometimes...it helps me to stay in control.  I know that’s wrong, but I don’t know what to do.”

 

Yuuri studied him for a moment.  He shifted the straps on his shoulder and reached up to palm his boyfriend’s cheek as he held those blue eyes.  “Are you cutting while you are here?”

 

“I’ve...thought about it?” Victor squirmed.  “I threw out my razor and used the electric.  I’ve gotten rid of a few other things that would tempt me.  I...didn’t want you to notice.”

 

“You don’t have to hide your struggles from me, Vitya.  We are in this together.  The good and the bad.”  He tipped up on his toes and brushed a kiss over Victor’s lips.  “Talk to me.”

 

“I-I’ll try,” he whispered.  A chime on his phone alerted them to the time.  “We should go.”  Yuuri nodded and left before Victor as the older man opened the door.

 

* * *

  


Victor watched over Yuuri as he laid out his gear to get ready.  He claimed a dressing space by hanging Yuuri’s costume on a hook.  He wanted to make sure Yuuri was completely at ease in this environment and began working through a mental checklist. _Furthest corner.  Check.  No mirror.  Check.  Oh.  No curtain.  Maybe the showers would be better.  I should check on the showers._  He then stuttered still when he felt a hand on his arm.

 

It was as if Yuuri read his thoughts.  He smiled tenderly.  “Let me try.  If I can’t, we’ll use your plan B.  Okay?”  He then rose up on his tiptoes and kissed him once more.  Yuuri was becoming more and more used to this show of affection and Victor’s arm swept around his waist and pulled him in tighter.

 

“Oh, god!  Can you two not be gross for two minutes?” came a familiar voice.

 

Victor chuckled as Yuuri released the kiss, a light blush on his young lover’s cheeks, a soft smile on his lips.  “What can I say, Yura?  You have excellent timing.”

 

He hissed in response but claimed the stall next to Yuuri’s.  “Whatever, Geezer!”

 

Victor lingered before the stall as the Japanese man dressed behind him, standing as a shield to Yuuri’s shyness and self-consciousness.  The younger Yuri was another matter.  He stripped down thoughtlessly and began pulling on his costume.

 

“Victor, can you fasten this?” the blond asked.  “Why did you design this so complicated?” he pouted in annoyance.

 

Victor laughed.  “Honestly, this was the costumes that made me think about the logistics of getting dressed.  Turn around.”  Victor pulled up the zipper then connected the hook at the top.  He then settled the feathery top and smoothed out the fabric.  “There.  Perfect.”

 

He turned back and scowled.  “Don’t think I’m going to go easy on you, Katsudon!”

 

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Yuuri responded but Victor heard the sharp sound in his breathing.  Yura did as well because he traded glances with Victor before nodding, realizing why Victor was still there.

 

“I’m going to work on my makeup.  Yuuri, if you’ve got time, perhaps you can braid my hair when you get out here.”  He then made a show of leaving the dressing area.

 

Victor turned to his lover.  Yuuri stood before him half dressed and pale.  “Let me help you,” he murmured.  “Can I touch you?”

 

Yuuri nodded, his breathing uneven.

 

“Let’s first deal with this breathing issue,” he stated with a firm voice.  He took his hand and began rubbing slow, rhythmic circles on Yuuri’s back while consciously breathing out on the upswing and in on the downswing.  Yuuri took a couple of minutes to fully catch the rhythm but was soon breathing with him.  “Okay, let’s work on getting this top in place.  It’s not nearly as complicated as Yura’s but it can still be a pain in the ass.  Sometimes the zipper catches on the netting.”  Victor continued with the steady words as he worked with the fabric.  Settling the costume, he gave it a couple of tugs.  “There.  Beautiful.”  Yuuri fell into his arms.  “There, there, Yuuri...I’ve got you.”  He resumed the rhythmic circles.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.  “I thought I could do this.”

 

“It’s progress.  Baby steps.  Just like when I don’t cut myself.”  Victor settled his hands on Yuuri’s forearms.  The brunette looked up and Victor could see him blinking away his tears.  The older man smoothed his hair back.  Brushing a kiss on his forehead, Victor took his hands.  “Let’s go see to Yura’s hair.  Okay?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  He needed something to steady his hands.  They returned to where the counters were laid out.  Victor saw that Yuri set up shop next to Yuuri’s makeup case.  As Yuuri took the bench, the younger man glanced his direction with concerned eyes before covering it up.  “Do you need me to do your eyeliner?” the youth asked.

 

“Ummm…”

 

“Yura does a fine cat-eye,” Victor offered.  “It could be quite alluring on you, _lyubov moya_.”

 

Yuuri nodded and turned towards the teen.  The boy rose up on his knee to gain height advantage and peered into the makeup case.  He quickly pulled out several things.  Slender hands, steady and certain, began applying makeup to the blank canvas of Yuuri’s face.

 

Emil and Mickey walked in, and the former turned with eyebrows rising at the sight.  “It appears the Russian kitten has made a friend.”

 

Yuri hissed back in response and the other man withdrew chuckling.  Mickey watched for a moment before turning away.

 

Once Yuuri’s face was set, he turned back to the mirror where Victor began working his hair into submission.  “Yuri always practiced on us when he was learning how to do makeup and soon he was the best one of us all.  I still have him on hair, though.”

 

“That’s because you went through so many hair phases.”

 

“It looks like you are growing yours out, Yura,” Victor pointed out.

 

“Pfft, at least I don’t have to worry about my hair falling out.”

 

“Mean!”

 

“Geezer!”

 

“Children!  Settle down!”  They both turned to see Yakov walk in and frown at them.  “Yura?  You are fifth on the ice today.”  He then turned towards the Japanese Yuuri and added, “And if Vitya hasn’t mentioned it, you’re fourth.”

 

He nodded, and answered, “Thank you, sir.”

 

After the coach walked off, Victor pouted.  “I would have told you.  I was just taking you through everything step by step.”

 

“I know.  You have a list.  It’s okay, Vitya,” Yuuri stated encouragingly but exchanged a side glance with Yuri who rolled his eyes.

 

* * *

  


Victor knelt down and checked Yuuri’s laces, glancing up to catch Yuuri’s eyes.  He couldn’t deny the warmth growing in him with each glance.  He would wait for Yuuri but he most definitely wanted him...especially looking up at him dressed in his Eros costume.  Yuuri reached down and pushed his hair back, allowing the silver to slide through his fingers.  Victor remained transfixed for a moment before Yuuri whispered he has to go.

 

The crowd drew his attention as the announcer recapped the season’s performance stats for Yuuri.  He then felt a tug on his tie and turned, his eyes wide at Yuuri’s boldness.   _My god!  One of these days, you’ll rule me.  Every part of me!_  The bold move was softened by Yuuri’s blush but didn’t negate it.

 

“The performance has already begun,” he stated firmly, holding Victor’s eyes.

 

“You’re right,” Victor murmured in reply.

 

He lowered his voice.  “Don’t worry.  I’ll show my love to all of Russia.”

 

Victor swallowed as Yuuri released his tie.  He didn’t dare take his eyes off of Yuuri. _It’s a switch...and something flipped it._  As Yuuri turned to face him, he licked his lips and then blew a kiss.   _Oh, my Yuuri!  Do you know what you are doing to me?_  Victor adjusted his trenchcoat even as Yuuri set off into the flirty step sequence.  Every movement was pure seduction, every jump perfection.

 

As Yuuri closed himself off into his final pose, the crowd rose to their feet in a standing ovation.  Yuuri gasped for air and then waved before skating to meet Victor in the kiss and cry.  He passes Yuri at the entrance and they pause before the younger man lifted his chin and hissed.  As Victor led him to the bench, he explained that Yuri’s grandfather didn’t make it.  “He’s been ill.  Some days are worse than others.  But I know Yura wanted him here more than anything.”

 

“That’s why he looked upset.”

 

Victor grinned.  “You know our angry kitten well if you recognize his claws bared as him being upset.”

 

Yuuri’s eyes widened when he heard the score announcement.  109.97.  “Vitya!”

 

“Yes, my Yuuri, that’s all you,” he stated warmly.  He then bent forward and kissed his student’s skate.  The crowd went nuts.  The press exploded with pictures.  And Yuri hissed.  The older Yuuri elbowed Victor and nodded towards the ice.  They both cried out “davai!” in unison to the younger skater.

  
Victor watched his young protege with concern.  “He’s skating out his anger.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “It’s beautiful.  Intense.”

 

“But not the story.”

 

Yuuri shook his head.  The young skater seemed to resurge midway but couldn’t seem to pick it up completely.  Technically, perfect.  Interpretively, not so perfect.  He ended up at 98.09.  A solid score but not touching Yuuri’s.

 

Yuuri and Victor drew together at the boards as JJ began his skate.  Yuuri frowned as he studied the Canadian.  Although they both agreed that the man was a pompous ass, he was good...and his program included a quad Lutz.  Victor thinned his lips as he watched the younger man complete his performance.  113.56.   With experienced eyes, he was already doing calculations to adjust Yuuri’s program.

 

Yuuri frowned as another insistent buzz came from his phone.  Pulling it free of his costume, he studied the number with concern before telling Victor the call was from home.  “They are probably just calling to congratulate me or something like that,” he muttered as he walked away.  Victor watched him and could see the concern growing in his expression.

 

As he disconnected, Yuuri ran up to him.  “Victor, you have to go home right now.”

 

“What do you mean?” the older man responded in confusion.

 

“It’s Makkachin.  She’s choked on manju.”

 

“Yuuri…”

 

“You have to go,” Yuuri insisted.

 

“I can’t leave you...you still have to skate your free skate.”

 

Yuuri’s tears broke free.  “I know.  But I regret not going to see Vicchan before he died.  I don’t want you to have that regret.  I need you to go home.”

 

Victor’s expression was pained when he spotted Yakov.  Striding towards the old coach, he declared, “Yakov!  You’re the only coach for me!”

 

Yakov narrowed his brow.  “Vitya, what are you going on about?”

 

“It’s Makka.  She’s in critical care and they don’t know if she’ll make it.  But Yuuri…”

 

Yakov sighed.  “What do you need from me?”

 

“Please stand in for me during the rest of this competition and watch over my Yuuri.”

 

The old coach nodded.  “Fine.  Make sure I have your number, Katsuki.”

 

* * *

  


Back in the hotel, Yuuri packed while Victor booked a flight.  The older man noted the efficient movements of those small hands sometimes shook.  “Are you sure?” he asked.

 

“I’m sure,” Yuuri answered.  “I’ll never forgive myself if you didn’t go and...something terrible happened.”

 

Victor sighed.  “I’ll take a cab to the airport.  You stay here and rest.  Grab dinner with Yakov and the others.”  Yuuri’s lip quivered even as he nodded.   _Damn!_  “I’ll call when I arrive and I’ll let you know what’s happening with Makka.”

 

“Okay,” Yuuri responded, his voice small even though he refused to back down.

 

“I know Yakov is gruff, but it hides a big heart.  If you need something, just hug him and tell him what it is.”  Again his Yuuri nodded.  The younger man followed him downstairs and saw him into the cab stealing a kiss before he stepped back and closed the door firmly.

 

Victor stared straight ahead and focused on getting himself under control.  He needed to be in control.  He was failing finding his control.

 

Victor left the airport bathroom, his breath a bit steadier.  He slid the sharpened credit card back into place in his wallet.  He’ll have to wash his laundry.  The tiny pinpricks of blood will be noticed by Mari.  She’s too shrewd.  She’ll tell Yuuri.  He fell into line to board the plane.  Pasting on a charming smile, he spoke with the flight attendant as he boarded.   _Yuuri!  I keep fucking up!  You’re going to leave me once you figure out I can’t keep my shit together!  Once you figure out that it’s all a mask!_ He closed his eyes and considered Makkachin.   _But you love me enough to send me home to Makka._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah...old habits...


	48. I Breathe You in My Dreams (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rostelecom Cup – Victor flies to Japan to take care of Makkachin. Yuuri is placed in the care of the old coach. He learns of Victor’s struggles from other perspectives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the edits, BluSkates and Magrathea!

* * *

 

[ I Breathe You in My Dreams ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nEnenji0PI)

 

 

 

Yuuri tugged nervously at his jacket string as he waited in the lobby for Yakov and the rest of the Russian team.  He arrived ten minutes early, not wanting to inconvenience the man or the other skaters.  Occasionally, he would glanced at the elevator bank.  Two minutes past time and nobody had arrived.  The elevator door opened and the coach’s eyebrows rose in surprise.

 

“You’re on time,” he stated in surprise.

 

“Of course,” Yuuri answered.

 

The coach’s expression softened as he patted Yuuri on the back.  “I bet Vitya drives you crazy.  He was always a half hour late.”

 

“I noticed that.  Now, I tell him to be there half an hour to an hour before we actually need to be there,” Yuuri confided.

 

A surprising bark of laughter escaped the coach as a few of the others arrived off the elevator.  Anya raised a derisive eyebrow as the others fell in.  “What’s he doing here?”

 

“Be nice,” Yakov warned.  Turning to the others, he added, “Victor had an emergency to deal with and Yuuri is in our care.  I assured Victor that we would keep watch over him and make him feel welcome.”

 

Anya groaned.  “Is this another one of his dramatic schemes?”

 

“You’re one to talk about drama,” the blond Yuri clipped off.

 

She huffed “whatever” with a flip of her hair.

 

Yuuri pulled inward until he felt an arm drape over his shoulder. He looked over to see Mila.  “Come on, Yuuri.  The ice is calling us.”

 

The blond looped an arm into his other elbow and the three skaters left Anya in their wake.  At the car, Anya claimed the front seat and Yuri sniped, “Go for it, hag.  Age before beauty.”  Mila giggled loudly until Yakov shot a look over her shoulder.  She mumbled an apology but smirked as soon as he turned around.

 

Yuuri stared out the window as they drove.  Snow started to fall and he hoped that didn’t mean a delay to his return home.  Victor was somewhere between Moscow and Fukuoka at this point, although a little closer to Japan.  _  Please be okay, Makka. _  His stress must have been palpable because Mila gave him an encouraging squeeze on his hand.  He glanced in her direction and smiled thankfully.  She was the best kind of friend.  Nonintrusive, but will fight for you at the drop of a hat.

 

At the rink, Yuuri changed to his practice clothes.  Yakov’s order for no jumps rang in his ears.  He was nervous.  He didn’t have Victor to ground him and didn’t know what to do.  The blond dropped down on the bench beside him and laced his skates.  “He’s going to be okay, you know,” he stated confidently.

 

Yuuri looked up in surprise.  “Victor?”

 

“The dog, stupid.  She’s as stubborn as my cat.  And that cat’s seen some shit.  She was picked up by an owl once.  Skinned her fur back before she got free and came home.  They stitched her fur back in place and she stayed home for a long time after that.  Point is, you’ll know when they are ready to go.  They have a way of telling you.”

 

“I...lost my dog right before the Final last year.  He was hit by a car.  That was unexpected, and I couldn’t go home.  I hadn’t...seen him in almost five years.”

 

“Ah, man...and I treated you like shit.  Now I feel like a heel.”

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “Don’t worry about it.  You didn’t know.”  He tightened his strings with firm jerks before tying it off and moving to the next.  “I do cry too easily.”

 

“Not really,” the blond responded.  “I mean...I was just pissed.  I wanted to skate against you and I thought you were giving up.”

 

“You wanted to...skate against me?” Yuuri looked up in surprise.

 

Yuuri smirked standing up.  “Not everyone looks up to Victor as their guide.”

 

“Wh-why me?”

 

“Those step sequences.  Jumps come easy to me...but you did the most amazing things with your step sequences.  They are unrealistically complex and you always get top marks on them.”

 

“They should combine us,” Yuuri teased.

 

“Be our luck, they’d do it wrong...your jumps with my step sequences.”  He headed towards the door.  “See ya on the ice.”

 

This practice went much easier.  Yuuri’s support from Yakov and a few members of the Russian team seemed to be enough to settle the others out.  He focused on his steps, and Yakov had him work through a couple of spins once more, turning to Yura and telling him to talk to Yuuri about the tightness of his spins.  The younger Yuri groused but hung out with Yuuri while they talked about the technicalities.

 

“If you lived in Russia, I could help you with your jumps and you could help me with my sequences.”

 

Yuuri followed him off the ice.  “I’m not sure what Victor has planned for our future.  We haven’t really talked about it.”

 

“I thought you two were in a relationship.”

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “Some days it’s just getting through the day to day.”

 

The blond nodded then asked, “He is okay, though, right?  Yakov said he was getting help.”

 

“He’s...better.  But it’s a constant battle like my anxiety.”

 

* * *

 

 

Later that afternoon he received a text from Victor indicating that the silver haired man was with Makka.  Then a little later another text came through stating that Makka was getting better.  A knock on his door pulled Yuuri from his thoughts, and he was surprised to open the door and see Yakov.  “Take a walk with me.”

 

Yuuri grabbed his coat, phone and keycard following the old coach out the door.  They left the hotel and turned towards town.  Yakov pulled a pipe out of his pocket and shielded the flame as he lit it with a match, taking a few puffs before Yuuri spotted the amused twinkle in his eye.  “Terrible habit,” he grunted.  “I want you to know I really appreciate the way you take care of our Vitya.  I know...others are unaware of his struggles.  Only a few took the time to get to know him.  Mila, Yura, and Georgi are among them.  But...I think you should know.  He’s made more than one attempt on his life.  He’s been that way...for a long time.  I’m just glad he’s not with his family.  They way they paraded him around or shoved him out of sight.  Or the abuse they allowed him to suffer at the hands of his brother.”  The old coach stopped for a moment before he grunted and continued.  “I can tell by your reaction that he’s been pretty open about his past with you.”

 

“We’ve talked about it some,” Yuuri allowed.

 

“I’ve worried about him for some time.  He...first cut himself when he was a teenager.  He had...a hard time loving himself.  Lilia and I tried but...he felt his parents’ rejection acutely.  He was a good boy, though.  Just...different.”

 

Yuuri smiled softly.  “My family would say the same about me.”

 

“But they didn’t push you aside.  I think...Vitya would do better if he had a family.  Perhaps...he is making a family with you?”

 

“And my family,” Yuuri added.  “My parents and sister have pretty much adopted him.”

 

“Good.  He needs that.”

 

Yuuri peered up from beneath his bangs at the old man.  “He still needs you, though, sir.”

 

A smile escaped before he covered it up with his gruffness.  “Well, of course.  I’m his coach.”

 

“Of course, sir,” Yuuri replied, a small grin on his lips.

 

“You’re cheekier than I would have thought.”

 

“Well, my current coach can be pretty cheeky,” Yuuri returned as they made the turn around the block.  “Perhaps it’s rubbing off on me.”

 

“Of all of the things to pick up from him,” the old man chastised.  As they approached the hotel, he asked, “How is he?  Really…”

 

Yuuri took a deep breath.  “He’s scared me more than once.  But...he’s willing to get help.  He’s going to therapy regularly and well, you know about his hospitalization.”

 

“I know it wasn’t easy to leave him there...but it sounds like it was a nicer facility than the one here,” Yakov commented.

 

“It wasn’t easy...but necessary.  I knew once I figured out what was wrong that it wouldn’t be an easy journey.  But I also know he’s worth it.”  He stilled, staring off in the distance.  “The hardest part is realizing my own worth.  That’s when everything feels so big.  So overwhelming.  But I love him, so I’ll figure it out.”

 

“That night...the one when Chris found him...it scared me.  I bullied him into a facility but...in the end, he didn’t stick with it.  Perhaps it wasn’t the right time.”

 

“Victor knows it saved his life, but he said that until he was ready, he couldn’t truly be helped.  Until then, he was just surviving.”

 

“You will call me if anything else happens.  For Lilia and me, he is family.”

 

“I...of course I will,” Yuuri confirmed.  Yuuri stumbled as he felt a hand clap heavily on his back.  He smiled in spite of himself.

 

* * *

  
  


**Vitya/  Makka is better!  She’s going to live!**

 

**Yuuri/  Yae!  Give her lots of pets for me!**

 

**Vitya/  I will!**

 

**Vitya/  :(**

 

**Yuuri/  What’s wrong?**

 

**Vitya/  You’re there and I’m here.**

 

**Yuuri/  I know.  I miss you, too.**

 

**Vitya/  I’d fly back but it will be over by the time I arrived.**

 

**Yuuri/  Spend time with my family.**

 

**Vitya/  I can’t snuggle you from here.**

 

**Yuuri/  I know.  We made it through you being in the hospital.  We can do this.**

 

**Yuuri/  Are you mad?**

 

**Vitya/  No.  Of course not.  Just frustrated.  I feel like I let you down.**

 

**Yuuri/  No, Vitya.  You can’t think like that.  I mean...I sent YOU home.**

 

**Vitya/  I could have refused.**

 

**Yuuri/  And what if Makka didn’t pull through?  What if it was your presence that helped her to pull through?  Please don’t feel bad, Vitya.**

 

**Vitya/  I...would hate to lose Makka.**

 

Yuuri studied the phone before clicking through his contacts.

 

**Yuuri/  Hi, Minako.  Will you do me a favor?**

 

**Minako/  What’s up, kid?**

 

**Yuuri/  I’m worried about Victor.  Will you keep watch over him tomorrow?  Especially after I skate?**

 

**Minako/  Consider it done.**

 

**Yuuri/  Don’t let him drink.  It doesn’t interact well with his meds.**

 

**Minako/  Fine.**

 

Yuuri could picture her eyeroll but knew she’d do it.  He returned to Victor’s messages and traded back and forth until he fell asleep in the middle of an ‘I love you’.

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri’s dreams captured the restlessness of his soul as he twisted into his blankets.

 

Vitya

My sweet Vitya

You are so far away and I only want to hold you

To wrap myself around you

To protect you

Vitya

 

Anata

My sweet darling

How can I take it all away from you

How can I protect you

From yourself

Anata

 

You hide

But you don’t know

I feel your pain deep inside my soul

I feel you breaking apart

And I’m away from you

While you hide

 

Vitya

Come to me

Open up your pain to me and let me

Shelter you within my arms

Hold you in my heart

Vitya

 

He shifted as he sunk deeper into his sleep and he relinquished his thoughts to his desires.  Ghosts of kisses shared deepened in his thoughts and he felt himself surrender to him...and he knew, suddenly knew.  He could surrender himself to Victor, to know his touch, to feel him beneath him, to touch him and build intimacy, to chase after that fire within them both.  And he...wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our boys do hate being separated.


	49. Shelter (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rostelecom Cup – Victor takes care of Makkachin and rebounds from his meds and depression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, Magrathea and BluSkates, for taking care of me.

* * *

 

[ Shelter ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_pEiTSW4UI)

 

 

Minako found Victor after some searching at the beach.  “It’s a little brisk out here, sport,” she pointed out as she sat down next to him, criss-crossing her legs.

 

“It reminds me of home,” Victor murmured.

 

“Because it’s cold?” she deadpanned.

 

Victor laughed but she detected a bitter edge to his voice.  “No...because it’s...Yuuri and I would come here and sit and talk.”

 

“So when you say home…”

 

“I mean Yuuri.  Although...at one time you would be right.  It’s hard to be apart.”

 

Minako nodded.  “When I traveled as a ballerina, there was someone.  I don’t talk about them much but they were important to me.  I think...if they didn’t stop fighting to keep us together, we’d still be together.  So...as long as you’re both willing to fight, you will be okay.  It’s hard, I know.  The separation is felt more keenly.  But...busy yourself and learn how to fill those spaces.  This right here...this moping?  It’s not helping.”

 

Victor sighed.  “I suppose not.”  He studied his hands.

 

“Is there something else, Victor?”

 

He shrugged.  “I think I need to talk to Sasaki-sensei about my meds.  I haven’t said anything to Yuuri but I think this latest change is bad.  But...I want Yuuri here in case something goes wrong.”

 

The ballerina studied him.  “Victor, are you…”   She trailed off, unsure what to ask, how to ask it.

 

“I...am having what Sasaki-sensei calls suicidal ideation.  I don’t want to kill myself...but...I am fighting thoughts where I think Yuuri...and others will be better off without me.”

 

“Oh, Victor.  Yuuri’s worried about you, you know.  He texted me to check on you today.  He would not be better without you.  He would be heartbroken.”  She trailed off uncertain what to say.  Not sure how far to take it.  “The person I was seeing…”  She took a deep breath closing her eyes.  “You know Lilia called me when you came here, don’t you?”

 

“I...heard.”

 

“Yes, well...she knows.  I lost my lover...to depression.  It was hard to see them go.  Leuc...oh, they didn’t have words for it then like they do now but they would be called genderfluid.  They struggled so much with their identity.  And...one day they stopped fighting.  And...they were gone.  I’m the one that found them.  Perhaps that’s one of the reasons I drink.”  She blinked back the tears and then felt Victor’s hand over hers.  Looking down she smiled sadly.  Of course he’d comfort her when she was doing a lousy job comforting him.  “I stopped dancing that year...moved home.  Nobody really knew...well, Yuuri’s mother knew.  We were best friends, after all.  That’s why she asked me to work with her anxiety-ridden son.  And we do work well together.”  She studied the hand that held hers.  “He’s special...has a way of getting under your skin.”

 

Victor chuckled softly.  “I suppose you’re right.  It only took one dance and I was smitten.  I can’t imagine life without him now that I’ve found him.”

 

“I know.  I just...keep fighting.  And if you need someone that kind of understands, I’m here.  Okay?”

 

Victor nodded, a bittersweet smile on his lips.  He stood up and pulled her up to her feet.  “Are you coming to the viewing party?”

 

She chuckled.  “I only miss it when I’m able to see it in person.”

 

“Good.”  They walked quietly up to the street before Victor murmured, “Since China, Sasaki has me attending a meeting every week.  It’s called Alcoholics Anonymous.  Perhaps...you’d come with me to the next meeting.”

 

“I…”

 

“Sometimes it’s hard to go by myself," Victor said quietly.  "If I had someone to go with me, it might be easier.  I...want to be better for Yuuri.”  Victor looked at her meaningfully.  “I know you want the same.”

 

“It’s not the same…” she murmured.  “My significant other is no longer with me.”

 

“Perhaps not...but their memory is there.  And perhaps...there is another.”

 

Minako smirked.  “You know I go to Yuuri’s events to pick up men.”

 

“Rough crowd considering how many of them are gay,” Victor pointed out.  “I seem to recall reading something about an Italian figure skater that was once involved with a Japanese dancer.  I think they’ve both retired.”  He studied her meaningfully.  “You wouldn’t know anything about that.  Like maybe how Yuuri found his way into that skater’s tutelage?”

 

“Oh.”

 

Victor chuckled.  “People assume I am not aware of my surroundings when, in reality, I’m very aware.  I do my research.”

 

“Don’t tell Yuuri.  He’ll assume the only reason Tino gave him a chance is because of me.  I just...told him to come observe.  Yuuri had to earn it.”

 

“I know.  Trust me...I won’t say a word.  Do you two still talk?”

 

“Sometimes.  He knows I have a lot of baggage.  Then again, so does he.  We are both very aware of each other’s baggage.”

 

“He’ll be at Barcelona,” Victor pointed out.

 

“He will be...now we just have to get Yuuri there.”

 

“I believe in Yuuri.  He’ll do his part.”  Victor ghosted a smile her direction; she reflected it back.

 

* * *

  
  


The viewing party was festive and Victor soon found himself surrounded with familiar people.  He nodded at Minako from across the room.  She shared with him a private smile.  He was glad to know someone who understood a little of his struggle.  Mari, though, pulled him down to sit next to her.

 

“Watch out for the triplets,” she warned.  “They cheat at poker and they do strange things to the numbers when you bet against them so that they come out ahead.”

 

She glared at them and Lutz poked her head out from under the blanket.  “No fair!”

 

“I agree,” Mari quipped back.

 

He chuckled as he watched her disappear back under the blanket with her sister.  Yuuko sat next to him followed by Takeshi on the other side.  “Don’t mind them,” she murmured.  “How are you doing?”

 

“I can’t wait for Yuuri to come home...and I’m worried my being here will affect him.”

 

“He’s strong.  He will fight, even if his anxiety crowds him.  Especially with someone worth fighting for.”

 

“He may not come out on top, but he’ll fight for his place,” Takeshi added.  “Even more so because it’s for you.”

 

Victor blushed, but he knew they were right.  Yuuri said as much when they fought in the parking garage.  He worried more for Victor’s reputation than his own.  Pulling out his phone, he texted him.

 

**Victor/  I’m with your family waiting to see you skate.**

 

**Yuuchan/  I hope it’s not too overwhelming.**

 

Victor considered his words with a smile.

 

**Victor/  You wouldn’t like it.**

 

**Yuuchan/  I know!  How’s Makka?**

 

**Victor/  Much better.  She’s hiding in my room.**

 

**Yuuchan/  :)  That’s where I’d be.  Or skating.**

 

**Victor/  I love you.  Where are you going to ground your skate?**

 

**Yuuchan/  Mila is going to stand where you’d stand for me.  She says she is your proxy and ran off with the tissue box.**

 

**Victor/  :D  I miss her.  She’s the best.**

 

**Yuuchan/  She’s been great.  And Yura.  And Yakov.  I’m in good hands, Vitya.  Don’t worry about me.**

 

**Victor/  I can’t help it.  I love you.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any surprises?


	50. Rise (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rostelecom Cup – Free Skate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates and Magrathea, for the reads!

* * *

 

[ Rise ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kj5h_tTpzjY)

 

 

Yuuri stared at the last text with a smile before handing his phone over to Yakov.  It was almost Yuri’s turn and he promised to focus on the young skater.

 

Mila came up to stand next to him.  “How do you think he’ll do?” the redhead asked.

 

“I would be surprised if he didn’t place.  He’s a force to be reckoned with.”

 

“Truth,” she commented.  “All spit and claws...but he’s a good one to have on your side.  He must really respect you.”

 

“I don’t know why...but I’ll take it,” Yuuri murmured watching the younger skater move into position.  “Is his grandfather here?”

 

“Yes.  He met him outside.  He’s coming in just for the skate then leaving because he’s still got a wicked cough.”

 

“I’m glad he’ll get to see Yuri perform, though.  I know that’s important for him.”  Yuuri remembered his first internals and how alone he felt.  Celestino was a good friend, but he wasn’t Hiroko or Toshiyo.  Now that feeling crept back over him.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Yes.  I know Victor’s watching...it just feels different with him so far away.”

 

“He’s so much better since he found you, though.  When he laughs, it’s not hollow.  And his smiles reach his eyes.  I’m glad you found each other.”

 

“Thank you, Mila.  I think I needed to hear that.”

 

“No problem.  I mean, I  _ am  _ your stand in Vitya.”  She flipped her hair dramatically to cover her eye with a patch of lively red and smiled as Yuuri rolled his eyes at her.  Turning her attention back to the ice, she watched the blond as he goes through a series of jumps in the second half of his program.  “He didn’t miss a single one.”

 

As Yuuri watched the close of the little blonde’s program, he nodded thoughtfully.  It was demanding and Yuri pushed himself beyond his stamina.  As he passed the younger Yuri on his way out to the ice, they traded smiles and sharp nods.  “Don’t let JJ win,” the younger one muttered.

 

“You gave him solid competition.”

 

“Each win pushes him further down the podium.”

 

Yuuri skated to Mila while they waited on Yakov.  The older coach sat with the younger Yuri giving him a critique while they waited.   **199.87** .  The blond appeared pleased.  He hung with Lilia for a moment as Yakov broke away and came to Yuuri’s side.

 

“Are you ready?”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

“Where’s your head?”

 

Yuuri grimaced,  _ nothing gets past this man. _ “In Japan but that’s okay.  I am going to skate well for him.”

 

“Skate for yourself and the other will work itself out,” the coach muttered gruffly.

 

Yuuri shrugged, a smile on his lips.  “I suppose I could focus on Yuri’s goal.”

 

“Beating that Canadian peacock is unworthy of either of you.  You two are artists and you both have it in you to be more.  Let me see it.”  The coach then leaned forward and in a quieter voice added, “Let  _ him  _ see it.”

 

“Yes, sir,” Yuuri responded.  He started to turn and skate off when he winked towards Mila who laughed in response.  He heard Yakov saying under his breath “I’m surrounded by idiots.”

 

He took his position on the ice.  Closing his eyes, he pictured Victor in his thoughts.   _ I love you.  I hope I can convey that across the distance. _  He felt the opening tones of  [ Yuuri on Ice ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwvF1Lgh61w&index=60&list=PLqQR2rKU30kK2-rOT3-FyGaGFDTEK6_Ro) fill the arena as he kicked off his opening sequence leading him into the quad toe loop-double toe loop combination.  He felt the flub on the second.   _ Did I get enough rotations?  I don’t think it completed.  Shit!  Don’t screw this up!  _  The salchow had enough rotations, but he could feel the wobble on his edge as his free leg swung too far out.  His next jump combination, he two-footed the triple loop.  He could feel himself panicking.   _ What am I going to do if I mess this  up?  Victor will think I don’t love him.  He’s going to leave. _

 

He then heard Yuri’s voice shout out “stay strong!” breaking through his thoughts.  Taking a deep breath, he refocused.  _  I know you aren’t here, Victor, but we designed this program together.  You are threaded through it as much as me.  _  He launched his triple axel and landed it.  As long as I skate this program, it’s a part of each of us.  He considered the difficulty.  They didn’t make it an easy program.  They built it to win.  And he wasn’t going to shorten the program now.  He set up for his next combination, a triple axel, single loop, triple salchow combination.  This was quickly followed by a triple lutz, triple toe combination.  He hissed as he touched down.

 

Wrapping up he collapsed on the ice feeling the pain of the difficult program.   _ He’s going to blame himself.  I failed him.  _  Pushing up to his feet, he skated, trying not to feel the defeat he felt within him.  Yakov stood next to him in the kiss and cry.  “You need to think about recovery, Katsuki.  If you mess up, have a plan to fix it.”

 

Yuuri nodded, overwhelmed by his thoughts and barely listening to the lecture.  As his score posted, he stunned Yakov into silence with a hug.  “Spasibo, Yakov.”

 

As he exited the kiss and cry, he moved into the stands and stood next to Yuri.  “Sorry,” he murmured.

 

The blond glanced up at him and shrugged.  “We both pushed hard.  I could still take him.”

 

However at the end of the skate, Yuri landed second once more much to his dismay.  The other Yuuri watched from the sidelines.  He barely made it to the final not even medalling this time around but acquiring enough points.   _ Will Victor still want me after this?  I’m coming into the Final on the bottom rung. _

 

His phone rang and he looked down.   _ Victor. _  Moving away from the crowd, he answered.

 

“Yuuri!”

 

“Hi, Victor...I-I’m sorry,” he apologized.

 

“No no, Yuuri.  I’m sorry.  I should have been there for you.  But don’t be upset with yourself.  You made it.  You’re going to the final.”

 

“But I failed...how can you still want me?”

 

“You just had to get there,  _ zolotse _ .  You can do this still.  I believe in you, love.  Don’t quit on me now.”

 

“I think...I just miss you so much, Vitya.”  He felt the emotional exhaustion shake him now that he gave it voice.  “I need your arms around me.”

 

“I know, Yuuri.  I want the same.”

 

As they disconnected, he turned to his competitors.  He needed a hug.  Someone to comfort him.  He sought out his fellow competitors and some gave him love willingly while some ran.  However, nothing felt right.  None were Victor.

 

[ Can You Hold Me ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHbS2M4wB5g)

 

Yuuri walked dejected back to the hotel.  He stopped on the bridge and stared off in the distance, fighting his defeated thoughts when he felt someone’s presence nearby.  Turning, he saw Yuri.  “I know you’re upset,” the blond began.  “But...you had a reason.  Your program was off a little because the asshole wasn’t here.  I get it.  I pushed myself over the edge...and still came in second.  I’m pissed, too.”

 

“What do we do at this point?”

 

“Kick his ass in Barcelona.  It’s a moral imperative at this point!”

 

Yuuri smiled.  “A moral imperative, huh?”

 

The blond shrugged as they continued to walk to the hotel.  “So I hear your birthday is soon.  So here.”

 

Yuuri took the brown paper wrapped treat and slowly unfolded it to reveal the bun.  “Is this a pirozhki?”

 

“Da!  My grandpa made it!  Taste it!”

 

He took a bite then stared at the contents in surprise.  “Oh, my god!  This is a pork cutlet bowl in a pirozhki?!!”

 

“I know!  It’s great!”

 

“I can’t believe he did this.”

 

“I suggested it the first day we arrived and he took it to heart.  He’s weird like that.”

 

Yuuri wrapped an arm around the blond’s shoulder and gave him a hug, laughing softly.  “You like that, though...the little things people do for you.”

 

“Maybe?”

 

Yuuri smirked.  “If I take gold, you are showing me how to make this.”

 

The blond laughed.  “You’re on!  And if I win, you have to show me how to do that ridiculous spin combo you do...the one that changes out like fifteen different movements.”

 

Yuuri laughed.  “I don’t think it’s quite fifteen, but sure, I can show you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Separation is so hard for our boys.


	51. Breathe (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waiting for Yuuri to return, Victor’s inner turmoil over his depression relapses. He starts obsessing over the cuts he made and worries what Yuuri is going to think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, Blu and Mags, for reading through this for me.

* * *

 

[Breathe](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQVop3-OOXc)

 

Victor stood naked before the full length mirror and surveyed the damage.  He felt the struggle last night after everyone left.  In the quiet of his room, he made half a dozen tiny cuts before he snapped out of it.  He set the knife aside and gathered Makka to him, eventually retreating to Yuuri’s bed to cry himself to sleep.

 

The ones he made at the airport were already healing.  But these new ones will appear fresh.   _ Maybe I should avoid the onsen.  _  He chewed his nail.   _ Yuuri will be more angry if I hide it from him. _  He drew in a shuddering breath.   _ I need help. _

 

He carefully dressed pulling on his black tee shirt and gray sweatpants.  Downstairs, he found Mama Katsuki with a bowl of rice and an egg waiting for him.  “Eat, Vicchan.  You’ll want your strength when Yuuri comes home.”

 

“Thank you, Mama,” he murmured as he accepted the chopsticks.  Once finished, he washed the dish.  “He doesn’t get home until tomorrow night.  And even then, he’ll be jetlagged.”

 

“True.  So how are you going to spend the day?”

 

“I...don’t know.  I thought I’d take a walk.  I need out of the house.”

 

“If you have no set plans, I hear Mari could use some help with her errands.  And you might check with Minako later.”

 

Victor nodded in agreement.  “I will.  Thank you.”

 

It was easy to fall into the monotony of daily tasks with Yuuri’s sister.  They bantered back and forth, and Victor found himself distracted from the growing weight on his chest.  But then it was complete and he was left to his own devices.

 

Walking across town, he waved at the various townsfolk.  Some came up to talk to him.  Others let him pass with a smile and a wave in return.  He stopped at the ramen shop for lunch before continuing to Minako’s place.  As he entered the bar, the older lady waved him over.

 

“Hiroko said you needed some help today.”

 

“It’s just inventory day.  Do you want to help count and record?”

 

“I think I can do that.”

 

Soon he was tied up with Minako in the liquor closet, making note of the different brands and bottles as she called them out, writing numbers down in the process, double checking the count.  He was meticulous.  “Where does that come from?” she asked.

 

“My father.  I never wanted to be like him but I guess some of it stuck.”

 

“My mother was an alcoholic,” Minako stated dryly.  “So we all get things from our parents, like it or not.”

 

“So what’s the plan?” he asked as he hoisted the last box onto the top shelf.

 

“What do you mean?” she asked innocently.

 

“It appears you all have cooked up ways to keep me busy while I wait for Yuuri to come home.”

 

“Well...I mean if you wanted to go over to Ice Castle and help Yuuko with a couple of evening classes, she wouldn’t be opposed.”

 

Victor chuckled but welcomed the distraction.  At the rink, he soon found himself surrounded by the triplets.  “Uncle Victor!” they squealed.  Soon he was on the ice demonstrating whatever Yuuko asked of him and satisfying some of the girls’ demands.  He collapsed, exhausted at the end of the evening as they dragged him home for family dinner and shared photo albums featuring Yuuri.  Takeshi told him about Yuuri’s crush on him and how he awkwardly kissed him.  Yuuko fussed about how the idiot avoided them for months after that.

 

“It would never have worked, though,” Takeshi stated thoughtfully.  “He always had eyes for you first.”

 

Victor blushed.  As a yawn sneaked up on him, he confessed, “I think I need to go grab some sleep.”

 

“Have a good night, Victor.”  The couple waved at him as he headed out into the night air.

 

It was when he drew even with the beach on his walk home that the crashing waves caught his attention.  He veered off course and found himself sitting in the sand, lost in his thoughts.  _  I love him, but he’s not going to want me.  I’m so fucked up.  I can’t even keep clean for two hours after we’ve parted.  _  He failed to notice anyone approaching until he felt a hand on his shoulder.  “Mari!” he yelped.

 

“I thought I’d find you here.  Yuuri texted that you didn’t reply to his last text.”

 

They had sent messages back and forth through the day and he continued until he stopped at the beach.  How long had he been there?

 

“You know, this is where he comes when he can’t shake negative thoughts," she observed.  "What’s eating you?”

 

“You’re as bad as Minako,” he countered.

 

She shrugged and took a drag on her cigarette.  “I’ve been called worse.”

 

Victor sighed.  “I fucked up.”

 

“How bad?”

 

“I...cut myself,” he hissed.

 

She shrugged.  “How bad?” she repeated.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I mean...were you trying to hurt yourself?  Do I need to cart your sorry ass to the hospital?  How bad?”

 

“Just...small cuts.”

 

“So...should I be worried about big cuts?”

 

“No...I mean...I  _ have  _ thought that Yuuri would be better off without me.”

 

“He wouldn’t, you know,” she stated, her voice even as she stared out at the ocean, flicking her cigarette before taking another drag.  “He’d take it bad if something happened to you.  Especially if he couldn’t get to you.”

 

“I know,” Victor whispered.  “I think...my medication is wrong.”

 

“Have you called Sasaki?”

 

Victor shrugged.  No, he hadn’t.  “What will he say?”

 

“Yuuri?  Hell if I know.”  She flicked the fire from the end before adding, “but he won’t blame you.  He might blame himself.  Or he may just try to help you.  Let my brother in, Victor.  And call that psychiatrist so that she can do her job.”

 

They left together.  Mari refused to leave without him in tow.  Back home in his room, he curled up with his phone and read through Yuuri’s messages.

 

**Yuuchan/  You never texted to say you made it home after leaving Yuuko’s.**

 

**Yuuchan/  Vitya, are you okay?**

 

**Yuuchan/  Vitya, I’m starting to worry.**

 

**Yuuchan/  Okay, I’m sending Mari.  Don’t get mad.**

 

**Victor/  I’m okay.  I just...I was watching the ocean.**

 

**Yuuchan/  Should I worry?**

 

**Victor/  I’ll be okay.  I just miss you.**

 

**Yuuchan/  I’m not sure I believe you.  Are you safe?**

 

**Victor/  I’m home.  I think I’m sleeping in your room tonight.**

 

**Yuuchan/  Okay.  I’ll be home soon.  I’m leaving for the plane soon.**

 

**Victor/   Good.  You’ll be home soon.  Sleep on the plane.  I don’t want to let you go when you get here.**

 

**Yuuchan/  Okay, Vitya.  I’ll do my best.**

 

**Victor/  I love you.**

 

**Yuuchan/  I love you, too.  Get some sleep.**

 

**Victor/  I will.  Safe travels.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short and sweet but a couple of good chapters are ready for next week. And Yuuri will be home!


	52. Love Me Like You Do (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Yuuri comes back to Victor...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus Chapter! Enjoy!
> 
> Thanks for taking care of me, Maggie and Blu!

* * *

 

[ Love Me Like You Do ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JXoiXhoHss)

 

Yuuri disembarked  the plane, his mind going through the checklist of things he had to do before he could catch the train home to his Victor.  Yuuri smiled.   _ My Victor.  My...Vitya.  _  Towing his luggage  through customs, he was greeted with barking  down the concourse.  Looking up, he was startled to see Victor through the two layers of glass and Makkachin bouncing up and down excitedly, no worse for the wear.  They froze, holding one another in their stares.

 

Yuuri wasn’t sure who broke into a run first but soon they were before one another, only a door separating them and Yuuri’s foot tapping impatiently.  Finally it was open, and he launched himself into Victor’s arms.  He heard Victor’s words, “I’ve got you,  _ zolotse _ .  I’ve got you.”  Victor’s tight embrace told him that the older man missed him just as much.  Yuuri tipped up on his toes and kissed him.

 

Snuggling into the crook of Victor’s neck, he asked the older man.  “Please take care of me until I retire.”  It was a selfish request but Yuuri couldn’t imagine skating without him.  Not anymore.  He couldn’t imagine life at all without him.

 

“That sounds almost like a marriage proposal,” Victor murmured, cheek against his hair.  “In that case, I hope you never retire.”

 

Yuuri held onto him until politeness dictated they continued on.  As they moved off the track, Yuuri knelt before Makkachin, who whined for his attention.  “How are you doing, sweetheart?”

 

She barked, her sound a little strangled.  Victor offered a bittersweet smile.  “It’ll take a little while before her throat heals.  She’s doing much better, though.  But you scared us, didn’t you, darling?”  He dropped down, his coos changing tone into one of indulgence as he doted on her before turning back to Yuuri, his cheek resting on Makka’s curls.  “Thank you, Yuuri.  I don’t know what I would have done if I lost her.”

 

“I don’t like being apart from you...but in this case, there was no other choice.  You had to be here.”

 

Victor leaned forward and captured his lips.  He then tangled their fingers together as they rose up and guided him out.  “So...I did something and I hope it’s okay.”

 

“And what is that?” Yuuri asked with curious amusement.

 

“I...got us a room.  I knew the flight would arrive late and I didn’t want you to have to deal with the crowds after being stuffed on a plane.”  Yuuri opened his mouth to protest, but Victor raised a hand to cut him off.  “I know it’s an extra expense, but I wanted to do this.  I...needed time just with you before I share you with the world.”

 

Yuuri stared at him a moment blinking before he mouthed an “oh” in response.  As they climbed into the waiting taxi, Victor gave the direction and Yuuri’s eyes widened.  It was a very nice hotel...of course it was.  “Vitya?”

 

“Just rest, Yuuri.  I need to be near you.”

 

“But what if?” Yuuri stuttered to a halt, uncertain how to word what he wanted to say.

 

Victor seemed to read him, though.  His eyebrows raised in surprise.  “Are you sure?”

 

Yuuri glanced at his fingers shyly playing with them before nodding.  “I want to...if you do.”

 

“I do...of course, I do.  I just...I don’t want to put any pressure on you, Yuuri.  We don’t have to.”

 

Yuuri caught the eyes of the cab driver flash in the rearview mirror, not even bothering to hide his interest.  “Let’s talk about this after we arrive.”

 

“Of course, Yuuri.”

 

Long fingers tightened in his hand and Yuuri felt his head dropping against the solidity of Victor’s shoulder while the cab driver negotiated traffic before pulling into the hotel drive.  Victor guided Yuuri and Makka into the lobby.  His baggage was left with the porter before pulling Yuuri out into the street once more.  “There’s a nice restaurant just down the street.  No reservations needed.  Just casual.  Then we can...if you still want to, we need to pick up a few things.  I wasn’t planning on…”

 

“It’s okay, isn’t it?” Yuuri asked uncertainly.

 

“Yes,” Victor stated, his voice becoming a little pitchy in his...excitement?  Yuuri wasn’t quite certain.  It almost sounded panicked and he began to worry.  Then he felt a squeeze of his hand.  Yuuri looked up and Victor said a little more steadily, “More than okay.”

 

Yuuri took a deep breath and then released it as Victor pulled Yuuri into the noodle shop.  Yuuri ordered a  [ chicken noodle bowl with peanut-ginger sauce ](http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/chicken-noodle-bowl-peanut-ginger-sauce) that he and Victor agreed to share.   As they dove in with their chopsticks, they felt an intimacy settle in around them.  The rest of the world fell away.  Victor asked him about Yuuri’s last few days in Moscow, even though they had talked during their separation.  Still, Yuuri told him about the younger Yuri sharing his piroshkis and how the boy’s grandfather made it like a pork cutlet bowl.  Victor hummed in envy.

 

They walked to the pharmacy afterwards.  Victor guided Yuuri through the store and they quickly located the supplies.  Yuuri was nervous but felt Victor’s reassuring touch.  “If we’re going to do this, we need to do this right so that no one gets hurt.”

 

“I know...I’ve just never...bought these things before,” he murmured under his breath as they set them onto the counter.  He could feel the heat rising up in his cheeks as the cashier glanced up at him.  Two different sizes of condoms...lubricant.   _ Please let there not be a price check. _

 

The items were placed in a bag and Yuuri quickly handed over the money.  They left the store and he felt the weight of Victor’s reassuring hand on his back.  The older man slipped his arm tighter around him and hugged him into his side.  “You are allowed to change your mind at any time,” he murmured.

 

“N-no.  I want this.  Unless...you don’t.”

 

Victor stopped and studied him as if trying to parse whether or not Yuuri was asking him to back out.  Finally he asked, “Are you certain?  I want you...I have for a while.  You’ve encompassed my dreams since Sochi.  But I want you to be sure.”

 

Yuuri swallowed and stepped into his space, lifting his chin.  “I’m nervous.  I’ve...not done this before.  I’ve never...bought supplies.  I’ve never sought out the company of another...not like this.  So...I’m a little afraid?  But I still want this.  I still want you.”

 

“Good.  I would have saved you the agony if I knew ahead of time, but I didn’t want to put any pressure on you by...coming prepared.  We haven’t really talked about it.  So I didn’t want to make assumptions…” he trailed off shifting nervously.

 

Yuuri laughed suddenly.  It caught them both off guard.  “I guess...it never occurred to me that you’d be just as nervous as me.  I mean...you at least have experience.”

 

“You’re important to me,” Victor countered.  “I don’t want to mess this up.”

 

Yuuri slipped his arms around his neck.  “You can’t mess this up, Vitya.  I’m yours.  No one else’s.”  He watched Victor swallow.  Under the street lamps haloed by the misty air, they swayed back and forth while Makkachin watched them.  “Take me to our room, Vitya,” he murmured.

 

Victor pulled him along and there was a nervous excitement between the two of them occasionally bubbling up in giggles.  Victor skipped a few steps.  The closer they came to their destination, the more nervous and the more excited they became.  Victor waved at the doorman as he led his partner inside.  They found their way into the elevator and soon up the stairs.  Victor used the key card and they slipped out of their shoes next to the door.  Makkachin was dried off and settled down with a food dish, a chew toy, and a water dish.  Victor tossed the bag onto the bed and disappeared into the bathroom returning with a damp rag.  “Sex is messy,” he explained with an awkward smile.

 

Yuuri tugged at the strings of his jacket beneath as he watched Victor remove his trench and hang it on a coat tree.  Victor then came to his side and helped him out of his coat as he felt a bit uncertain.  Returning to his space and gathering Yuuri close, Victor reiterated with a soft voice, “If you don’t feel comfortable and want to stop at any time, I won’t get mad.  I want you to tell me to stop.  I never want you to regret being with me.  Okay?”

 

Yuuri nodded and echoed, “Okay.”  He reached up to Victor’s face, pulling back before settling his fingers on his cheek.  “I don’t know...exactly what to do,” he whispered.  “I’m a little scared.”

 

“I am, too,” Victor murmured his confession.  “Just kiss me and let’s see where it takes us.”

 

Yuuri nodded and then nudged into a kiss, his lips opening up to receive him.  Shaky fingers worked the buttons on Victor’s shirt until it hung open before him.  Victor reached for the hem of Yuuri’s long sleeved t-shirt and tugged it up, his fingers stopping intermittently to feel the surface beneath them, the soft curves that gave just enough.  Yuuri trembled beneath his touch.  Victor finally freed him of the tee, Yuuri’s arms pulling free then working to push Victor’s shirt over his shoulders.

 

As Victor took the shirts and deposited them on the nearby chair, Yuuri stood nervously fighting the urge to cover up and failing.  As Victor turned back to him, he found Yuuri covering his body.  Victor went to him immediately and slid his arms around Yuuri.  “My beautiful Yuuri, why do you hide from me?”  He used his thumb to lift Yuuri’s chin and study the younger man’s face.  Yuuri chewed his lip and he knew tears quivered in the depths of his eyes.

 

“I’m...not?”

 

“Not what?”

 

“Beautiful.  I’m...I know I can’t lose that last little bit no matter how hard I work.  I’ll never be...sculpted.”  He emphasized that word by tracing his fingers down Victor’s torso.

 

Victor’s expression softened.  “Truth be told, I’m not my type.  I love your soft edges, the feel of my fingers sinking into your skin.  You...are perfect.  Please don’t ever think you have to change for me.”

 

Yuuri’s lips parted as he felt a surge of emotion.  He leaned forward and kissed Victor with all of that emotion, and the kiss carried them to the bed.  Victor sat down as the kiss parted and his fingers hesitated at the waistband of Yuuri’s pants.  He wore clothes similar to those he ran in, worked out in.  Yuuri only dressed up when necessary and went for comfort the rest of the time.

 

Yuuri watched Victor as he worked out his next move.  Then Victor lifted his eyes asking permission and Yuuri nodded.  He wanted Victor.  His body cried out for him.  He could already see the evidence beneath the fabric.  Victor eased down the pants leaving on his boxers.   _ That will come later _ .  Yuuri stepped out of his pants before dropping down to his knees before Victor.

 

Lifting his chin, Yuuri offered his lips to Victor who took them willingly, his hands sliding up the smooth surface of the older man’s back.  He could feel the indentations of the strong muscles that made up this man.  He also felt scars, marks left by the journey across the ice, their fight to the top.  He knew there were other scars, injuries to the soul.  Most wore them beneath the surface of his skin. He knew Victor’s bubbled to the surface, his pain too deep to be contained.

 

They released their kiss and Yuuri reached down to trace his fingers around the inside of Victor’s waistband.  Victor laid back, staring at the ceiling as he ran his fingers through his hair.  Yuuri traced his hand over the fabric exploring the man beneath him as he released the button, slid the zipper down, then freed him from the fabric of his pants.  Victor watched him and Yuuri could see the nervous fear in the other man.   _ How can I put you at ease when my own heart is bouncing in my chest? _

 

He stretched out next to him and brushed their lips together.  “I’m more nervous than I imagined I’d be,” Victor confessed.

 

Yuuri offered a reassuring smile.  “I knew I’d be nervous.  But I’m with you...so I know it’ll be okay.”  Victor smiled in response, reaching up to him his thumb brushing over Yuuri’s lips.    Yuuri dipped down to kiss him, surrendering into Victor’s embrace, feeling the other man’s arms tighten around him, his hands exploring his back and squeezing his ass as a hungry desperation filtered up into their kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be following up with Victor's point of view on schedule. Next weekend, I'll do a bonus with St. Petes!


	53. Sanctuary (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The NSFW chapter we’ve all been waiting for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much Magrathea and BluSkates!

* * *

 

[ Sanctuary ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Jhlldsu8pU)

 

Victor lay beneath Yuuri, uncertain and vulnerable.  The younger man’s kisses moved from his lips to his jawline down his neck until it captured one of his nipples teasing it with his tongue.  He felt a hand on the other nipple pinching lightly before the hand gave away to a squeezing massage over the affected area.  Yuuri continued to move down his body giving into the exploration.  Victor squeezed his eyes shut as he came to his briefs.  He could feel the fingers sliding around the elastic but then they paused.

 

“Vitya?  Is this okay?”  Then after a moment he asked, “Are you okay?”

 

Victor’s breath hitched in response, a tear slipping down his cheek.  “It’s...okay.  I just...you need to know that...most of my...cuts are there.”

 

“I know,” he murmured.  “You’ve told me.  Are you sure?”

 

Victor nodded, laying back and throwing his arm over his eyes waiting for Yuuri to unclothe him, to see the ugliness in him.  The elastic eased down his hips and he raised up to allow Yuuri to free him further.  He tightened his jaw and waited.   _ He’s...going to hate me. _

 

A kiss on his hipbone stilled his thoughts.  One kiss then another over the scarred surface.  So many tiny lines and Yuuri didn’t turn away.  He did pause at the fresh marks.  “Oh, Vitya...these are recent.”

 

“I-I know…” the older man breathed squeezing his eyes shut.  “You must be disappointed.  I wouldn’t blame you if…”  A kiss silenced him and Yuuri seemed to swallow his self-shame and doubt, taking it into his soul.

 

When their lips parted, Yuuri pushed back just enough to see him.  Victor’s eyes fluttered open.  Warm brown eyes lovingly held his.  “Vitya...I love all of you.”  He traced the lines of his chin with a finger.  “All of your beautiful imperfections.”

 

“But I…” Victor started to protest before Yuuri placed a finger over his lips.

 

“ _ All _ of you.  Including your scars.”  He lowered his lips and captured Victor’s, brushing one kiss after the other across the surface.  Victor clung to him, needing the grounding of his lover’s touch.

 

“W-why?  H-how?” Victor asked as Yuuri pulled back once more, tears falling freely now as he felt the overwhelming tug of emotions.

 

“How could I not?  We are all fractured in some form or fashion.  Some just have more visible scars.  Now where are you mentally?  I don’t want to push you.  If you are not in a good place…”

 

“I want you…” Victor rushed.  “I...need to feel you.  If you...still want...m...want to.”  Although he bit off the  _ me  _ he could tell by Yuuri’s expression the other man heard it.

 

Yuuri lowered his lips and brushed them over the surface before murmuring, “Only you.  Always you.”

 

Victor tightened his arms around Yuuri, pulling him closer, parting his legs and settling Yuuri between them.  The younger man seemed to understand, his fingers exploring as he continued to kiss Victor, his tongue slipping past Victor’s tracing along the edge of his teeth.  As he felt Yuuri’s hand lightly brush over his length, he couldn’t help the moan that released into the kiss.  Yuuri took that encouragement and offered a firmer caress.  Victor pressed into that touch, needing more.  He didn’t realize how much he needed it until he felt Yuuri’s hand on him.

 

Yuuri leaned back and reached uncertainly towards the lube, his brow furrowing in thought.  “I’ve not done this...well, not that I can remember,” he confessed.  Victor had picked up on the subtle words that Yuuri had woken from a few drunken nights with someone and not remembering.  He remembered Yuuri’s tentative words stating that he’d been tested, too.  It was in the framework of the rape, but Victor knew he hadn’t drank since then.

 

“Let me help you,” Victor offered sitting up.  He took the lube and squeezed some on his hand and then Yuuri’s.  “Have you ever opened yourself up?”

 

“I...considered it?  But I was always...I thought it’d be weird.”

 

“Not weird,” Victor insisted.  “It just helps you to understand your body better.”  He laid back, his hips propped up on a pillow, and reached down between his legs.  Tracing down the perineum he circled his entrance before pressing into the surface, his lips opening as he welcomed the intrusion.  Yuuri swallowed as he watched Victor’s finger fuck himself slowly.  Victor then removed his hand and whispered, “Your turn.”

 

Yuuri swallowed again and Victor felt a shaking hand on his inner thigh.  He reached down and covered it reassuringly with his own.  Yuuri’s other hand disappeared from sight but Victor then he felt a finger lightly touching the surface of his perineum following the path Victor took before.  Then he felt the pressure of Yuuri’s touch against his entrance and released his breath as he accepted the touch.  Yuuri pressed slowly inside him, his brow furrowing and Victor knew he worried about hurting him.  Yuuri glanced up to catch his reaction and Victor nodded encouragingly.

 

“Am I doing this right?”

 

“Yeeess, baby,” he breathed out.  “In and out slowly until it starts to loosen up.  Then you can add another.”

 

“Another?”

 

“I try to stretch with two or three fingers before I enter my lover,” Victor explained.  He then held a hand up and demonstrated.  “Slowly so they only feel the pleasant stretch.”

 

“Okay…”  Yuuri continued to move in and out when he heard Victor’s breath hitched.  Yuuri’s eyes started up.  “Did I do something?”

 

“Oh, yes...you most definitely did,” Victor said with a smile, rising up on his elbows.  “You located my prostate.  My sweet spot.”

 

“So...it’s good?” Yuuri asked uncertainly.

 

“Most definitely...please...continue…”  Victor fell back.  Soon Yuuri was exploiting that pleasure center and Victor found himself lost in the other man’s touch.  He finally grated out, “Another...finger...need more...stretch.”

 

Yuuri flicked his eyes up before nodding, sliding another finger in alongside the first.  He continued to fuck his lover with those fingers until the movements became loose and easy and then Victor felt the stretch of the fingers parting.  “Yeeesss…” he moaned, his own hand going up to tug at his hair.  And then he felt the third finger introduced.  God, Yuuri’s hands alone were perfection...and more practiced than the younger man realized.  Victor tucked that away not wanting to upset his lover.

 

“Yuuri Yuuri Yuuri…” he murmured.  “Please...I want to feel you in me.”

 

Yuuri chewed his lip and nodded, pulling his hand free.  He wiped his hand on the damp towel Victor had brought with him to bed.  Reaching for the condom, Yuuri stared at the box uncertainly.  Victor knew immediately what the problem was before Yuuri said, “I haven’t done this since sex ed class...and that wasn’t...on me.”

 

“Let me help,” Victor offered.  Yuuri stroked himself harder as Victor took the box and pulled out a package, ripping it open with his teeth and then pulling the condom free.  Squeezing the tip demonstratively, he then rolled it onto his lover.  He then took the other box and pulled one out to cover himself.  “All secure,” he murmured.  Yuuri smiled appreciatively.

 

As Victor laid back, he felt the pressure of Yuuri’s hand on his hip.  Victor shifted a leg over Yuuri’s shoulder.  “Slowly,” Victor reminded him.  Yuuri took him at his word and he felt the excruciatingly slow stretch as Yuuri moved to fill him, his eyes only darting down from time to time but otherwise holding Victor’s.  “Keep coming, Yuuri,” Victor encouraged.  “I can take all of you.”

 

Yuuri nodded as he moved deeper within Victor until he was completely seated.  His breathing told Victor he was fighting for control.  Victor placed a hand on his.  “Hold still so that we can get used to one another.”

 

“Okay,” Yuuri breathed.  As he evened out, he released Victor’s leg and leaned forward.

 

Victor met him halfway in a kiss that deepened in an instant as they sought one another over and over.  In the midst of the exchange, Victor felt Yuuri’s movements within him and he released a moan into the other’s lips.

 

The Japanese man eased him back down, his eyes tender.  Leaning forward, he lifted Victor’s knee once more and the other man hooked it over his elbow.  Yuuri began his movements shallow, testing Victor’s response.  Shifting slightly, Victor’s eyes widened.  A smile ghosted Yuuri’s lips.  The younger man then elongated the motion, slow and deliberate, and Victor’s moan matched it, as he cried out Yuuri’s name.

 

Somewhere within Yuuri’s memory, he found his rhythm, skill he didn’t know existed from nights shuttered from his memory by alcohol.  Nights that he went willingly with partners when he should not have, forgotten in the confusion of inebriation.  He knew what to do once he moved past the thinking process, muscle memory and instinct taking over as he sought to bring forth pleasure for the two of them.  Victor knew this.  He knew from the familiar movements of their dances together but also knew that the rape, the moment that Yuuri remembered, stuttered him and shut him down for a time.  Now, though, he could feel Yuuri pushing past that and grabbing hold of him.  Moving within him.

 

A hum between them built, a tone, a long note vibrating on a violin string.  And he felt it through to his core.  Something different, stronger, digging deep into emotions that slept within Victor and just like that night on the dance floor, Victor knew...this was something new, something worth fighting for, something worth chasing.  And he chased after that feeling, his lips releasing soft cries of response, his ears hearing Yuuri’s answering song, soft as the tender glances he gave Victor when he was caught staring.

 

Victor felt the rising tide and then he was drowning in Yuuri, his release desperate, keening from deep within him, Yuuri’s following close behind.  Then everything in him went still and filled with life at the same time, vibrating through him as he released heavily caught by the latex.  And then the younger man cried out and Victor’s arms wrapped around him as he caught the raven haired beauty.

 

He lay there trying to collect himself.  He felt Yuuri pull out of him, felt the younger man curl up into his side, felt a finger trace down his face.   Victor’s hand went up to cover the other man’s and felt moisture.   _ Oh, I’m crying.  That’s never happened before. _  The look of tenderness Yuuri gave him was more than he’d ever known and he knew he had never before understood the realness of their love.  Yuuri waited, allowing Victor to come to himself.  Allowing his words to find their way to the surface.  Then he spoke.

 

“I’ve never...cried before...I don’t know…”

 

“I’m overwhelmed as well,” Yuuri murmured in response.  “I have nothing to compare it to but...I don’t want to...I only want...you.”

 

Victor pulled him close, feeling his Yuuri’s head rest on his heart.  “I only want you as well.”  He brushed a kiss through Yuuri’s hair, made messy from sex.  “I love you.”

 

“And I love you, Vitya,” he answered, kissing Victor’s chest over the beat of his heart. Victor felt a smile in that kiss, a smile that vibrated up through his soul and made its way to his own lips.

 

They lay there for a long time, uncaring about the stickiness and the mess.  However, finally their bodies demanded movement.  Victor tumbled out of bed after Yuuri, their fingers tangling together as they stumbled towards the bathroom.  And then they saw to one another, stepping into the shower together, washing each other down, stealing kisses, hugging into one another’s arms.

 

They dried one another off and then settled into one another’s embrace.  As their breathing steadied, Victor whispered quietly, “I think I need to talk to Sasaki.  I want to be better...for us.”

 

He felt Yuuri’s hand tighten on his.  “Do you want to go alone?”

 

“I think...I need accountability.  I want you with me.”

 

“If I can get us into her office in the morning, would it be too soon?  We can go before returning home.”

 

“I think...that’s a good idea.  I was afraid...you wouldn’t want me.”

 

“I’m always afraid that you won’t want me.  But it’s a lie my anxiety tells me.  It’s the same for you.  Don’t listen to those lies, Vitya.  I will always want you.”

 

“I’m glad...you still wanted to make love.  I was terrified but...I knew I needed to face my ghosts as well.”

 

“I’ve wanted to...for a while.  I was just afraid.  I didn’t realize you were afraid as well.”

 

“I feel...more secure now.  I know that this isn’t something you do casually.  I...am honored you are willing to share this part of yourself with me,” Victor murmured, his fingers tangling into Yuuri’s hair.

 

“You open so much more of yourself to me than to anyone else.  It’s the least I can do to be just as open.  I love you...and part of that is giving myself to you, handing myself into your care.”

 

“Like...at the airport...when you asked me to take care of you.”

 

“Exactly.”

 

“Yuuri?”

 

“Yes, Vitya?”

 

“Will you take care of me?”

 

Yuurri tightened his arms around Victor.  “Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those reading this and Lifeline, a little less angstiness was in order.


	54. Heal (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri accompanies Victor to see Sasaki and they discuss Victor’s behavior.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many thanks for checking through this for me, BluSkates and Magrathea.
> 
>  
> 
> I know my response to replies have not been as consistent. Life is crazy around here. But I am reading them. Thank you all so much for your encouragement and for continuing to read.

* * *

 

[Hea](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9omSmQYVRSQ)l

 

  
  


Yuuri curled up, enjoying the luxury of Victor’s embrace.  He felt lazy hands running up and down his back.  Stretching up, he fluttered his eyes open and found Victor.  “Good morning.”

 

“Hi,” Victor murmured back.  “I texted Sasaki for an appointment.  I...took a picture of the cuts and sent it with the text.”

 

“Vitya…” Yuuri needed to check the older man, make sure he wasn’t now emotionally hurting himself.

 

“I...need help, Yuuri.  I want to stop this.”  Yuuri heard how clear the voice from Victor was.  This wasn’t an attempt to shame, it was a deliberate and strong step towards his own recovery.

 

“How can I help?”

 

“Come with me.  I need you to know what to do.”

 

* * *

  
  


Victor’s appointment was early and they were able to leave their luggage at the front desk before heading out to see the psychiatrist.  Yuuri wound his fingers through Victor’s in the cab ride over offering reassuring squeezes every so often.  The driver stopped at the curb and Yuuri paid before guiding Victor out.  In Sasaki-sensei’s office, they were greeted with a cup of tea.  The couple took chairs with a small round table between them.  Sasaki sat across from them on a small sofa.

 

“I see we are going to work together on this,” Sasaki began.  “This is something you’ve struggled with for years.”

 

“Since nineteen, maybe a little sooner,” Victor supplied.

 

“Why now?”  She studied him over the edge of the cup.

 

Victor glanced towards Yuuri then back to the therapist.  “I...I try to control my environment.  I don’t want...to tip over the edge.  And it caused some problems at the last two competitions.”

 

“Are competitions a normal trigger for this behavior?”

 

Victor nodded.  “I have always had to perform...and perform well.  My livelihood depended on winning.  And I suppose...I tied up my value in my ability to perform.  Competitions are the moments of truth.”

 

“At the moment, you aren’t competing,” Sasaki pointed out.

  
“I...don’t want to fail Yuuri.”

 

“Vitya…” Yuuri protested, his hand reaching out to reassure his lover.

 

“Yuuri, I know you are brilliant although relatively unnoticed.  I want others to see that brilliance, your beauty as a skater.”

 

Sasaki frowned and took the conversation back.  “Did you cut in China, Victor?”

 

“No, not really,” he responded studying his hands.

 

She leveled a gaze at him.  “Not really.  Hmmm...this only works if we are completely honest.”

 

“It was only a couple of cuts.  Nothing much.  It’s just that, leaving Russia, I found the need to cut stronger.”

 

“Why do you think that is?”

 

“I had to leave Yuuri behind...and Makkachin, my poodle, was possibly dying.”

 

“So there was much more personal stress.”

 

Victor nodded, picking at his cuticles.  Yuuri watched the action thoughtfully.

 

“Have you tried alternatives for dealing with these emotions?” Sasaki asked, taking a sip and also watching Victor closely.

 

Victor tilted his head, his eyes unseeing as he looked inward.  His fingers unconsciously tugged at the sleeve of his long sleeved t-shirt.  He finally shook his head.  “I would feel numb for so long.  Emotions are hard.  But...sometimes everything just breaks down.”

 

Sasaki adjusted her glasses.  “I’ve heard you say for a while that you feel numb.  I can’t help but think maybe the opposite is true.  It’s more like you bank up those emotions.  I wonder if when those emotions break through, you feel the loss of control and cut as an outlet...like a pressure valve.”

 

Victor’s lips parted in surprise.  “I...feel too much?”

 

“When we deny a feeling for a long time, sometimes we don’t recognize it.  Someone who forgets to eat has denied themselves over time the recognition of hunger until they desensitized themselves to the feelings that tell them it’s time to eat.  You have to relearn how to feel those emotions, how to release them in a healthy manner, and better ways to release the pressure.”

 

“What...do you suggest?” Victor asked uncertainly.

 

“First of all, I want you to journal.  Yuuri, you can help him get started with this.”

 

“Yes, of course.”  Turning to Victor, he explained, “When I’m trying to understand my anxiety triggers, I have to keep a careful journal.  I’ll share them with you and show you what to do but your journals are private.  You may choose to share them with Sasaki...or just talk about some of the things you’ve noticed.”

 

“Exactly,” Sasaki stated quietly.  “I’ve been thinking about your depression crashes right after competitions and this make sense in this context.  It’s the pressure valve forcing a release.”

 

“What if...what if I still need to cut?”

 

“I have one client that holds a piece of ice tightly in their hand until they can’t any longer.  It’s...a transference of that need and doesn’t leave scars behind.  I want you to move away from any of this but it’s a strategy to get you to the next phase.”

 

“Okay...I think...I can try that.”

 

“We are going to continue to talk about this, Victor.  This isn’t a one time fix.  Also, you’ve enlisted Yuuri as part of your team.  You need to talk to him.”

 

“I-I will.  I just...I hope it doesn’t aggravate your anxiety.”

 

Yuuri gave him a half smile.  “Some days breathing aggravates my anxiety.  I’d rather it have a more valid reason to exist.  Don’t worry about that.  Besides, not knowing makes me more anxious.”

 

Victor listened then nodded.  Turning back to Sasaki, he stated, “I’m going to try.  Can we look at my meds?”

 

“I’ve already called in an adjustment based on what you told me in your text this morning.  If you have increase of suicide ideation, I want you to call me right away and let your partner know.  Don’t wait.  Okay?  We are still working this out.”

 

“Thank you.  I’ll try to do better.”

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri was welcomed home in his family’s embrace and soon he had katsudon before him.  He halved it with Victor who raised an eyebrow.  “Too much is at stake.  I don’t want to risk the gain,” Yuuri explained.

 

“You earned a full measure.  You are moving forward,” Victor argued.

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “Not in my mind.  Not until I podium at Barcelona.”

 

Afterwards, he helped his mother with dishes as Victor followed Mari outside.

 

“They’ve been spending a lot of time together,” his mother commented as she handed Yuuri another plate to dry.

 

“She grounds me when I need it.  Maybe she grounds Victor in the same way,,” Yuuri suggested quietly.  “Especially when I can’t be there.”

 

“We tried our best to take care of him.” Hiroko tried to hide the guilt in her voice.

 

“He has his own demons,” Yuuri stated quietly.  “They show up when the stress is highest.  Oddly, that’s also just after a win.  I’m...afraid of how he’s going to react if I win at Barcelona.”

 

“He wouldn’t want you to hold back,” Hiroko pointed out.

 

“I know.”

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri found Victor later in the onsen.  Sinking deep into the hot water, he released a sigh.  “This is what I miss when I’m away,” he breathed.  Victor reached for him and Yuuri found himself seated between the older man’s legs, his head resting back on his lover’s chest.  Yuuri marveled at how strange it was that crossing a line of intimacy could make even these touches comfortable.

 

“I love you,” Victor murmured softly.  They were alone, the darkness shrouding them in intimacy, the moon spilling silver light across the surface of the water.  A few small landscape lights lit up the walk but even the family wing slowly flickered to darkness.  “I never felt so lost until we were apart.”

 

“Are you upset that I insisted you return home?”

 

“No...if I lost Makkachin, I’d be beside myself.  I know here,” he touched his temple, “that it was the right thing to do.  I also know that you were taken care of by Yakov.”

 

“And Mila...and Yuri...Anya, though…”

 

Behind him Yuuri heard Victor snort at that name.  “Anya is a bitch.  I hope Georgi finally sees that.  She abused their relationship and cheated on him when they were apart.”

 

“That...doesn’t surprise me.”  Shaking his head Yuuri felt his damp hair settling against Victor’s chest.

 

“I’m glad the others were good to you, though.”  Victor’s hands rose up Yuuri’s arms and squeezed the biceps gently in meaning.

 

“I’m glad you were taken care of as well.”

 

Yuuri turned to face him, lifting his face.  Victor traced his cheekbones with the backs of his fingers, his expression tender as he studied Yuuri’s softened countenance.  As his thumb brushed over those upturned lips, he started and then laughed when Yuuri sucked it into his lips.  Feeling his attentions move south, he murmured, “We might need to continue this upstairs.”

 

They barely let go of one another as they stumbled out of the onsen.  Evidence of their desire twitched in plain sight.  Yuuri’s hands shook as he reached for a yukata in the shower room.  Victor settled it onto his shoulder and tied the cord before reaching for his own.  They held onto one another, fingers tangling and tightening as they climbed the stairs.  They were in one another’s arms as the door slid closed behind them.  A huff drew their attention to the bed and they spotted Makkachin staring warily at the two of them before begrudgingly moving to her bed in the corner.

 

Fingers didn’t hesitate as they released the robes and watched them flutter to the floor, lips already seeking one another, Yuuri’s arms around Victor’s neck as he pulled the older man closer, Victor’s hands reaching down to Yuuri’s ass before giving him a boost.  Yuuri’s legs wrapped around Victor as the older man carried him across the room to the bed.

 

“Can I…” Victor trailed off uncertainly.

 

“Yes...whatever you want, yes,” Yuuri answered, his trust in the older man as evident as his desire.  His eyes darkened as he watched the silverette go to the nightstand and gather what he needed.  Yuuri pushed himself up the bed and soon Victor was between his legs.  Victor lifted his blue eyes seeking permission once more.  Yuuri reached out to trail his fingers down Victor’s cheek, his thumb tracing along the older man’s chin.  “Victor, I’m yours.  I have been...always.  I want you.”

 

“I just don’t want to hurt you.”

 

“I know.  I want to know you this way,” Yuuri stated, his voice not wavering, his eyes holding onto the blue ones before him.  Victor took a shuddering breath.  Yuuri could tell he was overwhelmed, sliding the pads of his thumb over the released tears.

 

“I don’t know how to handle this...feeling so much all at once.”

 

“This is every day for me, Vitya.  A heart's a heavy burden.  But...I’m here to help you bear it.”

 

Victor ducked down, his head settling into the crook of Yuuri’s neck.  The younger man wrapped him up in his arms waiting for Victor to be ready to move forward.  Soft kisses were brushed into the older man’s hair, fingers fluttering over his shoulders, until the shaking settled against him and Victor’s lips brushed against Yuuri’s pulse.

 

Yuuri released his breath as a sigh, his body unconsciously arching into the man above him, Victor clutching him close, his tongue tracing down Yuuri’s clavicle.  Yuuri curled into him, his breath catching even as Victor began sucking into his skin, leaving a mark behind in its wake.  Yuuri blinked in surprise.  Victor chuckled softly.  “Do you like being marked?”

 

“I...don’t know?  I’ve never…”

 

“Your response suggests that it’s a yes,” Victor murmured, dipping down to brush his lips against the evidence he left behind.  “So many things to try...and I love you so much.  I need to know what pleases you.”

 

“I’m sure...we’ll figure them out together over time,” Yuuri promised.  “I just...you are the only experience I want to know.”

 

Victor looked up at him, a soft smile touching his lips.  They were dancing around promises of forever, both wanting to hold onto one another, both not ready to say the words.  Victor leaned forward and brushed a kiss on Yuuri’s chin and received a soft giggle in reply.  A teasing flutter of fingers down Yuuri’s sides received a more exuberant response, eyes brightening, his arms rising out to beg Victor to stop.  Victor caught his arms and gently pushed them back.  Yuuri stilled, watching, waiting.

 

The kiss grabbed hold of Yuuri’s lips, tongue dipping just beneath the surface teasing against his teeth.  Yuuri gasped and a soft moan was pulled out of him.  Victor deepened the kiss as his hand pushed harder against the restrained hands above his head.  Yuuri tested them, not certain how he felt about it.  Victor’s hands fell away easily.  His kiss deepened, demanded, and Yuuri trembled beneath him, answering his call.

 

“Vitya…”

 

“My Yuuri…”

 

Fingers explored Yuuri’s midriff more firmly catching the stirs of Yuuri’s response.  Victor smiled as he pulled back, breaking the kiss and taking in the vision before him, Yuuri with lust darkened eyes, his skin flushed, hard and leaking beneath him.  Reaching for the lube, he warmed the substance between his fingers.  “Are you sure?” he asked softly.

 

“Please…” Yuuri moaned softly.

 

Yuuri closed his eyes as he felt Victor’s long slender finger sliding down his crevice and circling his entrance.  He felt a momentary disconnect, both familiar and unfamiliar, a hazy memory of another finger that didn’t belong.  He stuffed that back.   _ I only want memories of you.  You are the only one I’ve ever truly wanted. _

 

He breathed through the intrusion, the press of that finger, more memories crowded in and he felt the sting of tears.  Victor must have sensed the change in Yuuri.  His finger stilled and then was gone.  Wiped off, then gathering Yuuri into his arms.  “It’s okay, Yuuri.  I’ve got you.”

 

Yuuri sniffed, his tears stuttering back.  “It was okay…I couldn’t remember.  It was better that way.  Why...do they have to come back?  I-I only want to know you.”

 

Victor rocked him in his embrace.  “I know, love, I know.”

 

“I...thought I was ready.  Last night,” he heard the hiccup of his sob as Victor held onto him.

 

“You don’t have to be ready for everything at once.  It’s okay,” Victor reassured him.  Victor held onto him for the longest of time, Yuuri’s tears flooding against Victor’s chest, other fluids joining to make an unattractive mess.  Victor didn’t withdraw, didn’t even flinch.  He just held Yuuri, brushing reassuring kisses against his messy black hair.

 

Finally, Yuuri composed himself enough to pull back.  He shoved the remains of his tears and was surprised when Victor pressed a tissue into his hand.  He turned and blew his nose, tossing it into the trash, receiving another and repeating the action.  He turned and sighed.  Victor was a mess.  Reaching over, he found some wet-wipes at the bedside.  He pulled one free and wiped Victor’s chest down.

 

He sat cross-legged feeling vulnerable, feeling a mess.  Victor lay stretched out on his side, propped on his elbow and watching him, his upper hand resting on Yuuri’s thigh.  “So...that happened.”

 

“Do you...want to talk about it?”

 

Yuuri frowned.  “I don’t know what to say.  Most of it...I don’t remember.  Drinking...does bad things to me.  I lose blocks of time.  I don’t know if I consented or not.”

 

“Technically, you can’t consent if you’ve been drinking.  Especially to the point of losing blocks of time.”

 

Yuuri drew in a ragged breath.  “When...he raped me...on the stairs...I knew it was rape.  With the others...it felt like...a consequence of my choices.”

 

“A gentleman would have watched over you and kept you safe.  He would never leave you feeling like this.  He would never have touched you under the influence.”

 

“You didn’t...touch me,” Yuuri said softly.

 

“I know.”

 

Yuuri stretched out, cuddling into Victor’s arms.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

 

“Don’t be,” Victor said softly.  “I want you to feel safe with me.  However long it takes.”

 

“I do feel safe with you.  I just...I don’t want those thoughts crowding in on me.  I only want to think of you.”

 

“Things are still unresolved,” Victor concluded.

 

Yuuri nodded, still tucked in under Victor’s chin, his hair brushing against Victor’s chest in the motion.  “I need...to make peace with my past...before I can…”  He pulled back and stared into Victor’s eyes.  “But last night…”

 

“Receiving requires more trust.  You aren’t ready for that.  I understand,” Victor whispered softly holding Yuuri’s eyes, watching the unshed tears glitter in their depths.  He leaned forward and brushed a kiss against Yuuri’s forehead.  “The others...they broke that trust one by one.  You’ve been working on the greatest betrayal but you ignored the others.  Take the time to work through them.  I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“You give me much more than I deserved,” Yuuri confessed softly.

 

“No, Yuuri...you deserve this and so much more.”  Victor held him tightly in his embrace and whispered soothing words until Yuuri faded off to sleep.  Reaching up, he flipped the switch on the lamp.  The darkness settled into the room, shadows coming out of hiding.  As Victor faded to sleep, they made their presence known.  The awakening of Yuuri’s memories giving room for more nightmares.  Victor’s concern for his lover opening him up for greater torment.

 

* * *

 

NOTES:

 

[ How to Help a Self-Destructive Partner (and What Not to Do) ](https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/healing-trauma-s-wounds/201502/how-help-self-destructive-partner-and-what-not-do)

 

[ Resisting the Urge to Cut Yourself ](https://www.thehopeline.com/resisting-the-urge-to-cut)

 

[ Self-Injury: A guide for Romantic Partners ](http://sioutreach.org/learn-self-injury/romantic-partners/)

 

[ Self-Injury:  4 Reasons People Cut and What to Do ](https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-be-yourself/201610/self-injury-4-reasons-people-cut-and-what-do)

  
  
  


And yes, that is a “Howl’s Moving Castle” reference.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes...I know...ups and downs. Two steps forward, one step back.


	55. (Victor) Dandelions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter...which means there will be a quick follow up. ;)

* * *

 

[Dandelions](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8a4sUabCUo)

 

 

Victor woke up with a start, feeling the sheen of sweat on his body.  His Yuuri lay curled into his side sleeping quietly…finally.  Yuuri’s desire for sex had awakened more of his lover’s demons and Victor only wanted to protect him.  Victor brushed a kiss into the ruffle of dark hair before sliding free of the younger man.  Sitting on the side of the bed, he buried his hands into his hair.  A moment.  An emotion.  He could process those things.  It was when everything converged at once that he was left gasping for breath.  He pushed up and picked the robe up off the floor.

 

_ I want you so much it hurts…but not just in my bed, Yuuri Katsuki.  In every way.  Willing.  And in return, I’d give you…everything.  Every part of me.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt a love like this. _

His steps had taken him to the bathroom where he saw to his needs.  The hardness left unresolved after Yuuri’s panic.  The shaking from his own emotional overwhelm that he tucked away while working through Yuuri’s needs.  It started out with Yuuri taking care of him.  How quickly things turned around.

 

_ What would you do, my Yuuri? _  He knew the answer before the question fully formulated in his head.  He stepped out of the shower, vaguely relieved by jerking off under the running stream.  He glanced back to make sure he left no evidence.  Mari would give him shit and he’d be embarrassed.

 

_ Yuuri… _

 

He reentered the bedroom, his eyes glancing over the sleeping form that now wrapped around Makkachin.   _ Good girl.  Take care of my Yuuri.  I need to…do something. _

 

He dressed quietly.  Reaching for his phone, he tucked it into his pocket.  Skates in their bag and thrown over Victor’s shoulder, he grabbed the last of his items and slipped out the door.

The jog to the rink went by quickly, the dark of three a.m. uninterrupted by headlights.  Streetlamps haloed in the moisture of the frosty morning.  He arrived, taking the steps two at a time, and skirting around to the back entrance.  Yuuri would join him when he woke up but for now, he needed this time.

 

Skates tied securely in place, he stepped forward.  Snapping the guards off, he laid them on the barrier before taking the ice.  The silence settled around him, the cold air unspoiled by emotion.  Victor knelt down.  Pulling his glove off by his teeth, he reached down and touched the ice, holding his hand there, eyes closed, feeling the promise within the ice, the solidity, the clarity.   _ My Yuuri…I’ve never loved anyone like this. _

 

He skated in slow, lazy circles, his phone ticking through one [ song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFSlO5TbsPU&list=PLqQR2rKU30kK71pYjruBGXcCf3UidDIea&index=1) then another.  He felt tears falling, the sting of the cold against the dampness.  One moment fed into another, one emotion fed into another, one song fed into another…and he lost himself into the emotion of the moments.

 

He turned, surrendering to the direction of the ice, wanting to be okay, wanting to be unlocked inside.  He hated the poison within him.   _ I need you, Yuuri.  I can’t see myself clearly. _

 

He skated the complicated sequence, pushing himself deep into the movements, listening to  [ Antidote ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kv10eAxJiM) and remembering the choreography he created while locked up.  I want to be alright.  I want to chase away this cloud.  I want more than survival.  He launched into a jump, feeling the air bite his skin.  Landing, he arched into an Ina Bauer, moving into a spread eagle, shifting from outside to inside his blade, allowing his weight to turn his body easily on the ice.  His arms captured the emotions, the slow stuttering of his body, the song digging into him.  He reflected the music,  _ I...am a mistake.  Everything inside me is broken. _

 

He closed his eyes and allowed the words to continue to wash over him…feeling the perfection of the moment, the imperfection of the emotion.  His arms stretched reaching for the pain, feeling it touch something deep within him, then he pushed deeper.  Instead of running from the pain, he allowed himself to drown in it, felt it wash over him, drenching him in its icy fingers.

 

Then it came.  The other side of the numb.  And he stood shattered staring at the break in the barrier.  And his eyes rested on brown eyes shadowed by blue rimmed eyeglasses, a chest heaving up and down from running, lips parted, and the glitter of answering tears on his cheek.

 

_ Oh, Yuuri… _


	56. Sweater Weather (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri wakes up alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I normally wait for at least five comments when I do a frequent update but this one's for   
> KDSkywalker who is sleeping off the effects of anesthesia. Oddly, having my wisdom teeth removed was the highlight of basic training for me in the Navy. It was the only time we were allowed ice cream and I'm an addict. :) Feel better!

* * *

 

[ Sweater Weather ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TSxB_Tb2F0)

 

  
  


Yuuri rolled over and shoved his hand back through his hair.  Turning, he found Makkachin sleeping quietly by his side.  He sat up and looked around.   _ Victor must already be up. _  He pushed the blankets back and Makkachin huffed in protest.  He ignored the dog and found the robe he wore to Victor’s room.  He shrugged it on and suppressed a shiver.

 

Everything felt wrong inside him.  Yuuri stepped out and could hear the start of the day in the clatter of dishes from the kitchen, the hum of the dryer, the downstairs shower running.  He stumbled into his room and found a change of clothes.  Retreating into the shower, he washed away the dredges of sleep.  He dressed without ceremony and blew his hair dry.  Last thing he needed before competition was a cold.

 

When he entered the kitchen, he felt the wrongness of the situation once more.  Looking around, he raised an eyebrow.  “Where’s Victor?”

 

Surprised, his mother turned in his direction.  “I haven’t seen him this morning, Yuuri,” she stated.

 

Yuuri drummed his fingers on the counter thinking.  “I’ll be right back.  Can you pack something for us both for breakfast?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“ _ Arigato _ ,” he murmured before turning and leaving the room.  He took the stairs two at a time.  As he entered his room, he flicked on the light.  He went first to Victor’s side of the bed.  Cold.  Sitting down, he allowed his eyes to rove around looking for clues.  It was what was missing that told him where to go.  He turned off the light and ran to his room, grabbing his own skates, he jogged back downstairs.

 

“He must be taking on my own habits.  It looks like he went to the rink early.”

 

“Did you try calling him?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “He didn’t answer.  That just means his phone is on silent.”  He accepted the hot food container and utensils.  “Thank you, mom,” he responded with a smile that belied the trepidation he felt inside.

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri ran the most direct route.  His heart beat through his chest, his fear tightening him up inside.  As he reached the rink, he found the side entrance unlocked.  He could hear the scrape of ice under blades and he breathed a sigh of relief.  He pulled on his skates, setting their breakfast on the counter.

 

The Victor that greeted him was lost in himself, his pain worn on his sleeve.   _ Oh, Vitya. _  He watched the turn, the slide, the spin, then the stillness settling upon the man.  He lifted his eyes and blue eyes met brown.

 

They stood transfixed, frozen in the moment.  Then Yuuri reached down, snapped off his guards and found his feet on the ice.  They rushed towards one another, reaching for each other as if survival depended on it.  As Victor’s hand closed on Yuuri’s, they swung into a circle before slowing and settling into one another’s space.

 

“I was worried,” Yuuri said, his eyes full of concern.

 

“I’m sorry…I was trying…to do something else.  To release the pressure valve.”

 

“I would have come with you,” Yuuri said, his voice tender, his free hand going up to touch the older man’s face.  Victor leaned into the touch.

 

“I know.  I just…I needed this.”

 

Yuuri wrapped his arms around Victor’s chest and held onto him, his ear resting over the beat of Victor’s heart.  Victor’s arms wrapped around him, holding him close.  Yuuri tipped his chin up and Victor’s mouth found his easily.  The kiss reignited the unfinished moment from the previous night and as they broke, Victor felt himself shudder in Yuuri’s arms.

 

“Come with me,” he whispered, his hand finding Yuuri’s once more.  Yuuri followed him off the ice, snapping guards in place, and down the hallway to the locker room.  Yuuri straddled the bench facing Victor.  The older man untied his skates then pulled them free of his feet.  He ran his hand over the arch of his foot in a firm stroke.  “I want…you,” he confessed.  “I know everything fell apart last night…and you can tell me no.”

 

Yuuri surged forward and pulled Victor into his arms.  “I want you, too.  I just can’t…not like last night…not yet.”

 

“Will you…in me?” Victor asked.

 

Yuuri nodded then frowned.  “I didn’t bring anything.”

 

Victor winked.  “My bag.  Side pocket.”

 

Yuuri’s lips parted in surprise.  “I’m not even going to ask why.”  Victor chuckled warmly as he unlaced his own skates.  Yuuri returned to Victor’s side with the lube and condom in hand.  “This isn’t your size.”

 

“I made sure I grabbed a couple from the box to keep handy.  Remember I mentioned we’d find out what each other liked?  Well…I’ve wanted to have you…here…since that first day.  I knew we had a long way to go…but I’ve wanted you for so long.”

 

“Not as long as I wanted you,” Yuuri murmured.  “What if we…get caught?”  He glanced around the locker room.

 

“The girls have a school festival of some sort and both Yuuko and Takeshi volunteered to help out.  They won’t be here until this afternoon.”

 

Yuuri’s eyes met his and he could feel the flip in his mood.  Their lips crashed together, desperate for one another.  As they broke apart, he asked, his voice ragged, “How do you want to do this?”

 

“Well,” Victor smirked.  “If we are going by my fantasy, hard against the lockers.”  Yuuri flicked his eyes up uncertainly.  Victor added, “Don’t go easy on me.  I need…it rough…sometimes.”

 

Yuuri’s lips parted and he could feel himself twitch as his thoughts went south.  Still, he had to make sure.  “Vitya…this isn’t…I don’t want to be an instrument of your punishment.”

 

“I…no, that’s not it.  Although…this…could be a pressure valve…of sorts?  You can say no.”  Victor watched him unsure.

 

Yuuri chewed his lip but he knew they both needed this release.  After last night.  After this morning.  “I’ll hold onto you, Vitya…even when you are [ unsteady](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsVXnCGij5o) .  Especially when you are unsteady.  I’m not going to let you go.”  He nodded, decision made.  Gathering Victor to him, his lips sought Victor’s with purpose.  Victor moaned into the contact.  Yuuri’s lips veered off, teeth scraping along the older man’s jaw receiving a hiss of pleasure in response.

 

Yuuri rose up off the bench and tugged Victor to his feet.  His movements were those as a dancer in lead, guiding Victor to his fantasy.  Spinning him around, the sharp movements put Victor’s arms out to the lockers, leaning over the narrow bench that lay directly in front.  Yuuri’s hand slid up through Victor’s hair and the older man dipped his head in the direction of the tug as Yuuri tested the movement.  He released the silver locks, his hand sliding down over the well-toned body.

 

Finding the hem of the shirt, he considered that Victor might be surprised to learn that this was his own fantasy as well.  He pulled the shirt up firmly and over Victor’s head.  The older man shucked it to one side.  Yuuri danced kisses down the older man’s pale skin, tracing indents with his tongue, teasing the abdominal muscles with his fingers as they dug into the flesh.

 

“Please, Yuuri,” Victor begged, pulling his hands away from the locker only to have them pushed back firmly by his partner.  He gasped and could feel himself straining against the fabric of his briefs.  Yuuri’s hand moved down, teased the elastic before easing it over his leaking cock.

 

“Shit, Yuuri!”  Those fingers barely grazed over his length.  He then moaned as Yuuri stepped away from him.

 

Yuuri returned to his side, supplies in hand.  He squeezed the lubricant out of the package and traced two fingers down Victor’s crevice, teasing the entrance.  One finger dipped inside as the muscles relaxed.  He smirked at Victor’s impatient cry for more.  He moved excruciatingly slow, his finger testing the tightness of Victor’s walls before finally slipping in the second finger.  A hungry whine escaped the older man’s throat.

 

“So impatient,” Yuuri murmured, his teeth lightly grazing Victor’s shoulder.  He then bit down, sucking at the skin just before the turn of Victor’s neck, his third finger finding its way inside.

 

“Yes,” came Victor’s harsh response.  Yuuri continued to fuck him, feeling the man loosen up easily to his touch.  He then withdrew his hand and heard a cry of protest followed with, “Please!”

 

Yuuri reached for the condom as he stroked his length with his other hand, tearing the package with his teeth.  He wrinkled his brow as he mentally reviewed the steps demonstrated by Victor the other night.  The condom securely in place he reached for the package and squeezed out a little more lubricant, smoothing it over the surface before lining up.

 

He pressed in slow and steady listening to Victor release a low groan as he is filled.  Finally seated, he breathed through the tightness.  Victor remained still letting him get himself composed.  He then placed a steadying hand on Victor’s hip.  “Ready?”

 

Victor nodded.  “More than ready.”

 

Yuuri’s first pulls and pushes were slow, testing.  Then he pulled out almost all the way before sliding in hard to hear a cry of “yes” from the man braced on the locker.  He continued to pound hard into the other man, his cries of pleasure begging for more, then begging for release.  Yuuri snaked one hand around and started to stroke in time with the steady movements of his hips.  Victor released a shout and Yuuri could feel the older man’s orgasm vibrate through his walls even as he felt the warmth of that release spill over his hand.

 

Victor’s knees buckled as Yuuri felt his own release, and he lowered the trembling man to the bench as he pulled free of him.  Victor looked up at him shakily.  Yuuri leaned forward and brushed his lips tenderly over Victor’s.  The older man watched him quietly as Yuuri returned to Victor’s bag and pulled a washcloth free.  He dampened it with warm water washing his hand off in the process.  He then cleaned himself up and pulled his boxers and pants back into place.  With the cloth freshly rinsed, he returned to his partner’s side.  He then washed him removing evidence of their encounter with each stroke.  Victor still didn’t speak, just watched him.  Yuuri returned to the sink and rinsed the cloth once more before hanging it over a bar near Victor’s bag.

 

Returning to Victor’s side, he pulled the older man into his arms.  “You’re so quiet.  Are you okay?”

 

Victor nodded, his hands resting on Yuuri’s elbow and hip, his head resting against his chest.  Finally he spoke.   “It’s different.  Not numb.  Not…controlled.  But…somehow clear.  I’m…acutely aware…of the aches of my body.  It…feels like…I’ve been emptied out.  But…in a good way.”  He tightened his arms around Yuuri.  “It’s never…been like this with anyone else.  I don’t think I fully trusted anyone like I trust you.”

 

“I am so afraid I’m going to mess up, Vitya, that somehow I’m going to betray that trust because of my stupid anxiety.”  Yuuri held him close to his heart.  He felt Victor shiver and snuggle up even closer to him.  “Oh, honey, let’s finish getting you dressed.”  Yuuri reached over and snagged Victor’s t-shirt but it was damp from sweat.  “Can I let you go long enough to get you some dry clothes?”

 

Victor nodded, sitting up, his arms drawing him in as he hugged himself.  Yuuri dug around in Victor’s locker and returned with a t-shirt and a sweater.  “Let’s get you warm.”  Victor was soon snuggled up into the cable knit.  He snuggled back into Yuuri’s arms.

 

Eventually, Victor pulled up and met Yuuri’s eyes.  “We need to skate.”

 

Yuuri smiled tenderly.  “First, food.  I brought breakfast.”  He held out his hand and guided Victor out of the locker room and towards the front counter.  As he began to unpack the rice and eggs his mother prepared, he looked up.  “Oh!  It’s snowing!”  He felt arms wrapping around him from behind and he couldn’t help but lean into that embrace.

 

They shared the meal, sometimes offering bits of rice and egg to one another.  The thermos of coffee his mother sent was shared as well.  Yuuri’s eyes crinkled as he laughed at Victor’s teasing movements and Victor’s smile returned to an easy state.  Something bordering on normal settled over the two of them.  They returned to the ice and Victor worked him through his programs, demanding, steady, guiding.  His own movements were a little stiff by the earlier demands but a satisfied smile settled into his expression.

 

They left the ice at noon, before their friends returned, and walked back to the inn.  Yuuri knew his mother would want him to shovel the walks.  Victor said he could help and Yuuri shook his head.  “No, you need to soak away that ache in the onsen.”

 

“Will you join me when you’re finished?”

 

“Nothing could keep me away,” Yuuri promised.

 

Their fingers tangled and they steadied one another as the surface became slick laughing because they lived on ice but it was different on the sidewalk.  As they drew close to the inn, Victor wrapped his arms around Yuuri from behind.  “I love you,” he whispered as he brushed his lips behind Yuuri’s ear.

 

Yuuri sighed, relaxing into that embrace.  “I’m home,” he responded and Victor’s tightening arms told him that he wasn’t talking about the onsen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for helping me get this chapter ready to post, BluSkates and Magrathea. I hope the change in gears didn't throw people. I'm like this. My moods switch like a...well...switch. :D I'll be posting Lifeline in the morning for me (CST). I know you are waiting on pins and needles.


	57. Bird Set Free (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Victor and Yuuri work their lives around their challenges, refusing to deny themselves intimacy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay...I was torn between "Bird Set Free" and "Beauty and the Beast" for the song this chapter. 
> 
> Thanks to my lovely editors/friends Blu and Mags. I love what you do for my stories to make them better.

[ Bird Set Free ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocyK1AzMnDI)

 

Victor woke up, the starkness of the night teeming under his skin.  He could feel the ache of the previous day and a smile touched his lips.  Yuuri shifted closer into his arms.  The chill of the air made his warmth even more welcome.  He brushed his lips into his lover’s hair.  “My beauty,” he whispered.

 

Yuuri stirred and lifted his lips to capture Victor’s.  “Does that make you my beast?”

 

“Maybe our mental illnesses are the beasts.  I keep hoping if we love each other enough the spell will break.”

 

“If only it was a magic spell,” Yuuri answered, his lips brushing down Victor’s chin and the column of his throat.  “Then true love’s kiss would break it.”

 

“Yes…”  But Victor wasn’t sure what he was saying  _ yes _ to…Yuuri’s words or Yuuri’s touch.  He gasped as fingers dipped beneath his waistband stroking at his length.  He pressed into that touch, moaned into the feel of Yuuri’s tongue in the valley where his clavicles meet.   _ Yuuri awakens so much in me…if I am a beast, let me only know this beauty from this point forward.  Let me never hurt you. _

 

Victor’s body cried out for Yuuri’s touch and he gave himself over to the pleasure of those fingers, lifting his hips as Yuuri pulled down the pants.  His fingers knotted into the sheets as he felt Yuuri’s lips traveling down his abdomen, his mind almost shattering at the silk of the tongue sliding down his length.  Yuuri looked up towards him and implored, “Watch me.”

 

Opening his eyes, he focused them on the man between his legs, reaching out to turn the light on.  He could see the expanse of those muscular shoulders, narrower than his own but no less powerful, hands sliding up him, kneading into his skin, fingers toying with his nipples.  But that mouth.  That beautiful mouth that laughed unexpectedly, that quirked in amusement when he was his silliest, that smiled indulgently when he was demanding and particular, that relaxed into sadness when he hurt, that conveyed tenderness when he needed him.

 

That mouth now graced him with pleasure, teasing his length with his tongue, sucking him down impossibly deep.   _ How the hell did he learn how to do that? _  Victor watched that head bob up and down him, felt the build of heat pooling in the pit of his stomach, and as his hands tightened on the sheet, he cried out, “I’m about to…”  Yuuri swallowed him down and  _ shit _ …he saw stars.  

 

Yuuri continued to suck him until he was dry, until the room came back into focus.   As Yuuri sat back on his hips, he watched Victor with that mouth quirked into amusement and here Victor lay stretched out before him, spent and undone.  “Yuuri…”

 

He reached for the other man who moved into his space and Victor tasted himself on Yuuri’s kiss.  Victor’s hand was seeking Yuuri with a sort of desperation, tugging at the tie on his pajamas, shoving them down as he flipped Yuuri over.  Yuuri looked up at him, his eyes still dark with desire.  “Can I ride you?” Victor asked.

 

“God, yes…” Yuuri breathed, reaching to the nightstand, the lube still sitting there in plain sight.    Victor’s eyes twinkled as he took it from him.  He closed his eyes as he opened himself up quickly.  Their recent activities kept him loose and ready to accept Yuuri into him.  Yuuri’s lips parted as he watched Victor’s movements, clearly turned on as he slowly stroked up his length.

 

Victor reached for the wrapper and pulled the condom free.  Pulling Yuuri’s hand away, he rolled it into place, his lubricated hand adding the extra slide it needed.  Yuuri’s eyes watched him, focused on his every move.  He reached for another condom to cover himself but Yuuri stilled his hand with his own reach and brought it back.  “You’re beautiful when you release…I want…to see it.”  Yuuri chewed his lips, unsure if his request was weird.  Victor’s eyes widened and nodded.  God, he loved this man.

 

Yuuri reached down to help line himself up with Victor and the older man sank down on him in one steady motion.  Yuuri’s hands pulled back and settled on his hip, his eyes holding Victor’s and the older man leaned forward to capture those lips.  Yuuri’s eyes fluttered shut, his fingers kneading into Victor’s skin, the slight movement producing just enough drag for Victor to moan softly into the kiss.

 

Leaning back, Victor set a steady pace up and down Yuuri’s length, Yuuri arching to meet him on the downward strokes.  Yuuri’s hand tightened then loosened, moving down Victor’s thighs and then back up, squeezing his lover’s ass before moving back to his hips.  His breathing visibly quickened, his brown eyes half lidded, and Victor got to see him coming apart beneath him.

 

“Vitya…so close…”

 

Victor reached down to stroke his length in time and could feel his own release rising to the surface.  And then he felt the shudder shake through him, the warmth of the fluid pooling into the valley of Yuuri’s body.  Yuuri’s tumbled over the edge with him and he could feel the warmth of his release, contained but comforting.  He moaned softly, leaning forward to capture Yuuri’s lips.

 

The younger man tightened his arms around him, holding Victor in for a deep kiss.  As it broke, Yuuri’s warm eyes fluttered over Victor’s countenance.  “ _ You _ are the beauty,” he whispered.  “I love you.”

 

* * *

  
  


They eventually made it out of bed.  They eventually made it into the shower.  They eventually made it downstairs where Yuuri’s parents gave them knowing looks and Yuuri’s cheeks pinked to a charming shade.  Victor had no problem with them knowing…he loved this man.  He followed Yuuri into the kitchen and made the coffee and tea while Yuuri worked on breakfast.

 

They eventually made it out of the inn.  Running along the path, Victor felt the ache of their love making with every step and found a smile, satisfaction in the intimacy that built so quickly between them.  They were finding their boundaries and fitting together, filling in the spaces between one another.

 

They eventually made it to the rink.  Victor watched Yuuri’s powerful thighs creating art on the ice, uncertain he was much help because all he saw was beauty.  He needed to snap out of it.  It was so close to the Final.  Yuuri was counting on him.  But Victor just wanted to love him, worship him, hold him close, be filled by him.  Yuuri skated before him, smirking and Victor realized Yuuri said something to him.

 

“I think…I was lost in my thoughts,” Victor apologized.

 

“I know you were, and your eyes reveal so much about those thoughts,” Yuuri teased.

 

Victor blinked, knowing his expression had grown lazy, turned on by the seductive movements of Yuuri on ice.  “You’re beautiful,” he murmured.

 

“Beautiful enough to win?” Yuuri asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

“You’ve seduced me,” Victor supplied.

 

Yuuri’s response was a warm laugh.  “I think that began before the rink.”

 

“Yeees,” he drew out.  Victor was his to do with as he willed, clay to be sculpted and broken down and resculpted.

 

Yuuri skated into his space and lifted his chin.  Their lips found one another easily.  “I want you, too,” Yuuri whispered.  “I need you, though, here.  With me.  In this moment.  Okay?”

 

Victor blinked.  He knew Yuuri was right.  They had work to do.  “I’m sorry…” he began.

 

Yuuri’s finger shushed him.  “No apologies.  Just be brutal.  And I’ll reward you for it later.”  He skated back winking.  “I need to pay my coaching fees somehow.”  And with a saucy swish of his hips, he turned and skated off.

 

Victor recovered from his shock with a laugh.   _ Always a surprise.  My Yuuri.  So beautiful. _  He watched Yuuri take off into a jump in answer to his thoughts, four rotations and a perfect landing.  Victor laughed in pleasure.  Okay…maybe his focus needed to be redirected and Yuuri was doing a fine job at it.

 

The rest of the morning and early afternoon was spent on task, calling out corrections, enjoying the motions, working in the quad flip Yuuri was determined to add into his program, determined to perfect.  And, on the high of their lovemaking, he was landing them at a 75% efficiency. 

They walked home, fingers tangled, entering into one another’s space.  He loved this man completely, this man who saved his life and gave him reason to fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! ;)


	58. (Yuuri) Sleep is a Rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri wakes up from a nightmare brought on by memories and demons of his past.

* * *

 

[ Sleep is a Rose ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xovjLzqQY3A)

 

 

 _Hands slid up Yuuri’s legs, teasing and tormenting him, dragging an orgasm out of him.  Their touch is both familiar and strange and he fights them.  Faceless bodies until one is pushing into him and he sees his face, knows his face, remembers that moment.  And he’s on the stairs, broken and frozen, unable to fight._  He keens softly in his sleep.

 

Yuuri’s eyes open, wide with fear, his breathing ragged.  He felt the grossness of his own body, betrayed even in his dreams.  Victor still slept, exhausted from another demanding bout of sex between them.  Yuuri moved away from him and drew his knees to his chest.  The tears shuddered through him, though, and although he sought to not wake up his lover, he felt arms wrap around him, soft lips reassuring him with a kiss on the nape of his neck.

 

“It’s okay, _lyubov moya._   I’m here.  I’ve got you,” Victor murmured.

 

Yuuri didn’t tell him about the dream.  He was shaken with a sense of shame.  He faced the wall and held onto his knees, willing Victor to go back to sleep, willing Victor not to see the dampness in his clothes.

 

Victor seemed insistent, though, to comfort him.  Yuuri pulled away, walking to the bathroom and stripping his clothes off.  He showered under the hottest water he could stand, scrubbing his skin until it was pink.  Drying off, he stared at himself in the mirror.  It had been a while since he punished himself like this.  Towel wrapped around his waist, he exited the bathroom to find Victor sitting in the hall, his expression worried.

 

Yuuri sighed and held his hand out, leading the other man into the intimacy of his own room.  He reached for clean clothes and changed in front of him.  Victor sat on the narrow bed watching him, concern in every motion.  Yuuri turned to him, feeling his whole body frown, and took a step forward then another before climbing into Victor’s lap, kissing him possessively.

 

The moan rose out of Victor’s throat before Victor could grasp what was going on.  Firm hands settled on Yuuri’s side and he pushed back the Japanese man firmly.  “You aren’t in the right mental state for this,” he stated.

 

Yuuri then collapsed on his side, curling up in a ball and allowing the tears to consume him once more.  Victor stretched out behind him, holding him, his hand winding into Yuuri’s, his thumb moving up and down Yuuri’s arm in a comforting motion.

 

Yuuri stared into the darkness of his room, lost in himself, only feeling anchored to the reality of the world by the man lying behind him.  He opened his mouth several times to talk but then couldn’t find the words.  Finally, he slept, wrapped securely in Victor’s embrace.

 

* * *

  


With morning came clarity, his demons seemed to sleep.  He rose from Victor’s arms feeling achy.  The older man stretched, his silver eyelashes fluttering as his eyes opened sleepily.  “I don’t suppose you slept that well last night,” Yuuri murmured guiltily.

 

Victor reached up and ran the back of his fingers along Yuuri’s cheek.  “Are you okay?”

 

“I’m…better.  The morning sun chases away the shadows.”

 

“Was it a bad dream?”

 

Yuuri nodded thinking at first to leave it at that but then he couldn’t.  He needed to expel the aftereffects that still clung to him in the daylight.  “It was like all of them crowding through my memories.  I know…some of them were likely as drunk as I was.  Neither of us should have made that decision.  But then…he was there.  And…”  Yuuri ducked down, burying his face in Victor’s shoulder as the older man wrapped him up.  “I came…in my sleep.  It shouldn’t…I shouldn’t be turned on by something like that.”

 

Victor’s hands ran up and down his back holding him close, cradling him.  Finally, Yuuri pulled back, his expression full of self-loathing.  Victor sought to reassure him.  “You weren’t…turned on by it.  Not in the way you mean.  Our bodies respond even if we don’t mean for them to.  It doesn’t mean that we wanted it.”

 

“It doesn’t feel that way.  I felt…so ashamed last night.  I just wanted to hide, to wash them off of me.”

 

“Should I have left you alone?” Victor asked uncertainly.

 

“I thought I wanted to be alone…at first.  I think I needed a change of location more than anything.  The dream still had its claws in me.”

 

“It’s okay, my Yuuri.  I’ll go wherever you need,” he assured the other man.

 

Yuuri passed through the day with a cloud hanging over him and Victor watched him with concern.  In his run, he pushed hard, running from the shadows.  Victor trailed in his wake fighting to keep up with him.  On the ice, Yuuri fought demons and his jumps suffered, prompting Victor to ban him from them.  After, they walked, Victor taking charge and leading him to the beach.

 

“You don’t have to fight them,” Victor began.

 

“What happens if I stop fighting?  Won’t they consume me?”

 

“They could just fade away,” Victor suggested, drawing a picture in the sand.  “Tomorrow we’ll talk with Sasaki.  Together.”

 

Yuuri nodded, curling into Victor’s side.  He knew he needed Victor there.  He felt like he would fall apart without him there.  “Did we make a mistake?”

 

Victor’s hand continued to run up and down his arm as he stared into the ocean, the sun setting and spreading its fingers of flame across the surface.  “I think…all of this was inevitable.  Even if we waited, you’d still be facing your demons.  These surfaced as we scratched beneath the skin, Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri sighed heavily.  “I just…want to be on the other side.”

 

Victor tightened his hand on him.  “The only way to get there is to keep moving forward.”

 

* * *

  


Yuuri dreaded sleep that night.  Victor seemed to sense that.   “Do you want to sleep in your room tonight?”

 

Yuuri considered his words.  “I just need you nearby,” he decided.  Still, their feet took them to the smaller room.  Victor took the wall and Yuuri settled in front of him.

 

Makkachin shuffled into the space as they relaxed into one another, climbing onto the bed and unceremoniously rearranged their legs to accept her at their feet.  Yuuri reached down and tangled his fingers into her fur.  She huffed and nuzzled in deeper, burying her nose between them.

 

Victor brushed his nose against Yuuri’s hairline, a kiss falling behind his ear.  “Sleep well, my darling.  Tomorrow will bring sunshine.”

 

“I hope your forecast is correct.  I don’t relish cold rain as we travel to Fukuoka.”

 

“Perhaps we can bring Makkachin and walk in the park afterwards.”

 

“Or along the dock.   If the weather truly is in our favor we can grab lunch at one of the vendors.”

 

“Sounds like a date,” Victor agreed, tightening his embrace.  They stilled soon sliding into sleep, the quiet promises of their words creating a shield between them and the shadow.

 

Makka lifted her head and eyed the demons that threatened glaring at them reproachfully.  They stayed in their corners, allowing the lovers to sleep.


	59. Believe (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasaki and nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for your patience as I get this story resorted. And thank you, Blu, for editing this so I could get it out.

* * *

 

[ Believe ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVFfbomH_eg)

 

  


Victor curled slowly, basking in the warmth of Yuuri’s embrace.  Light filtered through the smaller windows of Yuuri’s room and dappled through the trees to create a mix of light and shadows playing across the bedding and Yuuri’s skin.  Yuuri shifted, his hand falling above his head exposing a patch of skin stretching from his ear down his neck.  Victor leaned forward and brushed his lips over that offering and heard Yuuri’s giggle, his skin sensitive and ticklish as he woke up.  Victor danced his fingers up under the edge of his lover’s shirt and received another soft giggle in returned and those brown eyes flashed open.  Turning into Victor’s arms, he lovingly traced his fingers down the older man’s cheek.

 

Victor turned and captured those fingers in a kiss before he murmured, “I promised you sunshine.”

 

“You _are_ my sunshine,” he whispered leaning in to capture a kiss.  Victor met him halfway, their lips and tongues lingering together.

 

Victor stretched as they broke…a frown touched the edge of his lips but Yuuri quickly chased it away with the touch of his finger at the corner.  “We have to go to Fukuoka.”

 

“Mmmhmm.  We’re taking Makkachin,” Yuuri reminded him.  “And we need to talk with Sasaki-sensei so that we can get better.”

 

“I know…but I still dream of waking up to find the clouds have permanently lifted.”

 

“Let’s grab hold of the sunshine while we can,” Yuuri urged.  “We can leave early enough for lunch.”

 

* * *

  


Makkachin lay by their feet as the train carried them into Fukuoka.  A couple of transfers later and they exited the tunnel to a street near Sasaki-sensei’s office.  A small café opened out into the walkway and the two of them ducked inside to enjoy bowls of ramen.  The owner’s daughter was there and she played with Makka while the two men lingered over their lunch.

 

The approach towards the office had Yuuri tensing up.  Victor ran his hand up and down his lover’s back as they entered the elevator.  Yuuri took several deep breaths.  “This is ridiculous.  It’s not like she doesn’t know already.”

 

“Perhaps…you are afraid there are things you don’t know,” Victor suggested.

 

Yuuri stilled his hand on the door handle.  Victor could see him quickly losing a battle within.  Slipping an arm around him, he took his other hand and opened the door leading the smaller man inside.

 

Sasaki was waiting for them and, seeing Yuuri’s agitated state, waved them on into her office.   As Victor settled Yuuri on the couch, Sasaki busied herself in preparing a cup of tea.  She knelt before him and murmured, “This has something calming in it, Yuuri.”  Yuuri’s hands shook at first but steadied as he took the cup from her.  He lifted his eyes, raw and vulnerable.  “You’ve remembered something,” she concluded.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I thought…if I couldn’t remember, then it didn’t happen.”

 

She leaned back on her heels and looked up at him.  “It doesn’t work like that.”

 

Yuuri took a sip of tea and nodded.  “It was a lie I could tell myself.”  As he settled back into the sofa, Victor took a place next to him and Sasaki sat across from him, crossing her legs at the knee.  “I thought…”  He paused and reset his words.  “There was so much alcohol.  Those first few years in college and I was on my own.  With alcohol, I could relax and talk and be…myself.  Except…I wasn’t.  And the more I drank, the looser I became.  There were too many…men.  And I don’t remember most of them.  I don’t know who I agreed to go home with but…I shouldn’t have said yes.  I couldn’t consent.  And I’m sure some of them couldn’t either.  And in the middle of it all was him.  And…he watched me.  He knew I would drink.  He knew I would accept the drink.”  He lifted his eyes to hers before adding the next words.  “I opened myself up to his attack.”

 

“Yuuri, you didn’t invite this,” Sasaki negated quickly.

 

Victor tightened his arms around Yuuri’s shoulders.  “I think…we’ve both made bad decisions.  That doesn’t excuse the actions of those who took advantage of us.  It certainly doesn’t excuse the actions of a man who targeted you, _lyubov moya_.”

 

Yuuri looked up from beneath his lashes, his expression vulnerable.  “Where do I go from here?  How do I move forward and leave the nightmares behind?”

 

The psychiatrist covered her mouth thoughtfully as she considered her next response.  “Let’s talk about what triggered the nightmares,” Sasaki invited.

 

“We had sex,” Yuuri stated matter-of-factly.

 

Victor’s lips thinned.  “We’ve steadily become more and more intimate.  Since Rostelecom, his nightmares have increased.  We both know that we have to get through this.”

 

Sasaki considered his words.  “Are you still able to be intimate despite the nightmares?”

 

Yuuri’s eyes widened.  “Yes, of course.”  He then blushed and turned his face to hide.  Victor tightened his arms grounding him into his side.

 

Sasaki felt a smile tease her lips.  She took a sip from her own cup of tea.  “So we need to create a strategy to work though the nightmares and put them behind you.  Anything else?”  Her eyes flicked over to Victor.  “I wouldn’t want you to hide behind your partner’s problems.”

 

Victor frowned, parsing through his own emotions.   “I…have been focused on Yuuri,” he admitted.  “I feel…more together for now.”

 

“So the medication seems to be stabilizing?” she asked.

 

“S-so far,” he stumbled, his eyes shooting up to meet hers and he could see her gaze sharpen.

 

“I want you to have some bloodwork done,” she stated finally.  “I’ll send the request through to your physician.  So no more crashes?”

 

“No, not really.  And…I haven’t felt the need to cut.”

 

She made a few notes.  “And you’ve been journaling?”

 

Victor nodded.  “It’s been helping me work through my emotions and taking away part of the intensity.”

 

“Good.  Have you had any recurring incidences?”

 

Victor glanced at Yuuri then nodded.  “One.  I left out for the rink.  Instead of cutting myself, I chose instead to…touch the ice.”

 

“Good.  You are learning to work through things a little better.  Now to help Yuuri.”  The Japanese man looked up at her as she set her empty cup down.  “There are a number of things we could do, Yuuri.  Talk therapy, journaling…if there was a sexual dysfunction, we could bring in a sex therapist.  I think it’s important to recognize your triggers…and although becoming intimately involved in your partner appears to have opened up some past memories, it could be that you finally feel safe enough to deal with them.  So I do want you to journal.  And it doesn’t have to be organized, it doesn’t have to make sense.  It can be angry.  It can be cathartic.  Use it to get all of that negative emotion out.”

 

“But I skate…and dance.  That’s how I deal.”

 

“Yuuri, you and I have talked about this before.  It’s a good outlet but it can’t be the only outlet.  You have to find the words.  The important thing is to remember this thing happened to you.  You did not cause it or invite it.  You have a good support system including a caring partner.  Becoming aware of your triggers will help you to better prepare for them and prevent the stress of flashbacks and upsetting memories.  Your body will talk to you if you listen.  You will notice yourself tensing up, you might hold your breath, become nauseous or dizzy, you may feel suddenly hot and uncomfortable.  Often, your thoughts start to race while you are trying to find a place to escape.”

 

“Like anxiety,” Yuuri said quietly.

 

“It _is_ anxiety.  Your body is preparing for fight or flight.  And the same strategies will work to help you get to the other side.  We worked before to find a number of your anxiety triggers.  We just have to find the new triggers.”

 

“What if I flashback?”

 

“Find a way to ground yourself in the present.  State where you are, the date, and three things you see when you look around.  Remind yourself that you are feeling this panic because you are remembering what happened but that it isn’t happening now.”

 

“And…what if…being intimate is a trigger?”

 

“Do you flash back during sex?”

 

“N-no…it happens when I sleep most of the time.”

 

“Our dreams provide us a way to work through things.  Although it’s upsetting, your mind is sorting it out.”

 

“And…it’s not…”

 

“No, Yuuri.  But if you are relaxed enough to be with your partner in this way, then you are feeling safe.  That is why you are able to start working through these things.”

 

“What else?”

 

She offered a thin smile.  “I don’t want you to take this wrong, Yuuri…but I think it is best if you avoid alcohol.  Besides how it affects your meds, it is not the best means for dealing with social anxiety.”

 

“I…haven’t drank much since…him.  Only at Sochi where Victor took care of me.  He didn’t…I woke up feeling safe, and protected.”

 

“Which is good.  And is why you feel safe with him now.”

 

Yuuri turned into Victor’s arms and the older man tightened his hold on him.  Victor rocked him soothingly as he asked Sasaki, “How can I best support Yuuri through this?”

 

“You’re doing it now.  That and taking care of yourself…which means also avoiding alcohol, taking your meds, and continuing with your own therapy.”

 

Victor nodded.  “Send that blood panel request through and I’ll take care of it tomorrow.”

 

“Good.  I want to consult with an endocrinologist.  Although part of your depression seems tied to your past, I want to make sure we aren’t overlooking a chemical connection.”

 

Victor offered her a weak smile.  “Thank you.”

 

* * *

  


They walked together in the park, the lead passing from one to the other as Makkachin smelled his way through the new territory.  “Are you okay?” Victor asked finally.

 

“I think…it’s like when I first faced my anxiety and got help.  It was…hard at first.  I had to work out what were lies my mind told me and what was the truth.  I just…I hate to drag you along.”

 

“Well, your family shared stories about that time.  It may not be easy…but I’m not that easy to deal with either.  Do you…still want us?”

 

Yuuri stopped and Victor turned to face him.  A small hand went up to his face and he covered it with long slender fingers.  “I want us,” he stated firmly.  “There is nobody else that I want other than you, Vitya.  My biggest fear is that I’ll do something to mess this up.”

 

Victor dropped his forehead to Yuuri’s.  “I suspect we’ll both mess this up.  Hopefully the other will always let us back in when we do.  I think being open about our mental health issues is key.”

 

“I couldn’t imagine being in a long term relationship and not being open about it.  There’s no way I could hide all of this.”

 

Victor nodded then leaned in to brush his lips over Yuuri’s.  “We’ll have bad days.  It just makes us appreciate the good ones all the more.”

 

“Thank you, Vitya.  For coming for me that day.”

 

“I was selfish…I came as much for myself as you.  And I don’t regret it.  You are the best decision I ever made.”  Their fingers tangled as they continued to walk with Makkachin enjoying the good moment and letting go of the bad…for now.

 

* * *

 

NOTES:

[ Recovering from Rape and Sexual Trauma ](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/recovering-from-rape-and-sexual-trauma.htm)

[ Do You Disclose Your Mental Illness Before You Get Married? ](https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/panic-life/201711/do-you-disclose-your-mental-illness-you-get-married)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for the delay on getting a chapter in place. I'm having to take a step back and reevaluate the direction I'm taking with this story. So it may be a weekly post for the moment while I get it sorted out. The schedule posted is all out of sorts but I'm going to leave it for now so that I can eventually get back to it.


	60. Perfect (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri’s birthday…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much Magrathea for helping me go back through the plot of this story last night and tighten it up. Thank you so much BluSkates and Magrathea for the edits.

* * *

 

[ Perfect ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=817P8W8-mGE)

 

 

Yuuri stretched lazily, enjoying the late morning.  It was his birthday; Victor rolled over and kissed him earlier that morning, telling him to finish out his rest before slipping from his side.

 

He reached for his phone, curious as to where his coach/boyfriend had gotten off to.  He knew he had some lab work to see to and probably a walk with Makkachin.

 

Turning on the device, he spotted notifications across several social media avenues shouting  _ happy birthday _ .  He never mentioned his birthday, but as a public figure it wasn’t a secret.  He bypassed those and sought out the messages most important to him.

 

Instagram revealed Victor had snapped a sleepy shot of him cuddled up around Makkachin.  **#birthdayliein #beautifulboyfriend #perfect**

 

Yuuri smiled curling into the glow of his phone.  Makkachin was gone now and as he scrolled through the shots from Victor’s morning walk, he could see Makkachin exploring on a lead and a selfie Victor had taken with his puppy near the castle.

 

Yuuri also found a picture posted by Phichit showing him and the Detroit gang waving a happy birthday.   **#HappyBirthday #DetroitSkateFamily #yuurikatsuki**

 

Yuuko and the triplets posted a montage video of practice at Ice Castle.   **#bestfriend #yuurikatsuki #katsukiyuuri #asitshouldbe #iceskating #figureskating #victuuri**

 

When did they get their own couple hashtag?  He tapped on it and found couple shots and video posted by fans and friends dating back to China and the kiss and even a few before, although the post dates were after China.   _ Wow! _  He didn’t quite know how he felt about how public their relationship turned out to be.

 

A soft tap on the door opened to admit Victor and Makkachin, tray in hand with a small bouquet of white daisies with yellow centers.  Yuuri sat up on their approach and could see the breakfast laid out.  Rice, eggs, juice, and tea.

 

“Mama said you liked daisies.”  Victor looked uncertain and that vulnerability was endearing.

 

Yuuri smiled and nodded.  “They’re plain like me,” he responded taking the bouquet to his nose and smelling it as Victor settled the tray.

 

“They’re not...you’re not...Yuuri, I wish you could see how beautiful you are,” he sighed.

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “Not a rose kind of pretty.  Simple.  Ordinary.  Like daisies.”

 

“I don’t...agree,” Victor protested. Yuuri smiled warmly, a soft blush dusting his cheeks.  Victor pulled the desk chair over to sit next to him.  “How are you this morning?”

 

“No nightmares so all in all, not too bad.  And you?”

 

“I had my labs run while I was out.  What...do you think she’s looking for?”  Yuuri detected a note of worry in his boyfriend’s voice.

 

“Well, although many things point towards childhood trauma, since you are diagnosed with major depression, she needs to look to see if there are biological factors or an imbalance in your neurotransmitters.  It’s not the first time she’s run labs I’m sure.”  Victor shook his head in response.  “Some things that she’s checking will include your thyroid activity and adrenal activity.  There are also some nutritional deficiencies that can contribute to depression including Vitamin D and Calcium.”

 

“But my diet has been carefully monitored for years,” Victor protested.

 

“Monitored for training purposes, yes...but not with your overall mental wellness in mind.  Also, since you are on medications, she’ll be checking your liver and kidney function.  She checks mine yearly among other things, because both of those filter my meds.”

 

“I didn’t think about that.  But...I’m better.”

 

Yuuri thinned his lips.  “Vitya, I think you need to accept that this will be something you deal with for life.  I feel better, but I still have to be monitored.  And even in the best drug therapies, I’m going to have bad days and triggers.”

 

Victor frowned as he studied his the bandage over the blood draw.  “How...can I be a good partner if I can’t be strong for you?”

 

Yuuri shifted uncomfortably under that thought.  Taking a deep breath, he pushed away the unintentional slight.   _ Is he so focused on being strong because he thinks I’m weak?   _ He knew that wasn’t what Victor meant but his anxiety picked up on it and tucked it away.  Instead, he said, “We don’t always have to be strong...but we have to respect each other’s weaknesses.  I know what to look out for with you.  I’m at an advantage to be honest.  Between my degree and volunteer work at the counseling center, I’ve dealt with depression and studied it.  You...are reliant on my openness...something I give to you more than anyone.  You can read about it...and I know that you do...and that helps.  But in the end, we are still trying to fit the puzzle pieces into a slot not quite made for it.  And when we just about have it in there, the opening changes.”

 

Victor tugged at his fringe...not hard but contemplatively.  His eyes were unseeing as he turned Yuuri’s words over in his head.  Finally, he spoke.  “These other tests...will they make me better?”

 

“If she requests them, it’s to help her understand the problem better...which can lead to better treatments.  I went through them as well.  MRI, ECG, EEG...all of these things give them a better look at what’s going on inside our brains.  I was born this way.  I was an anxious child and I always worried about things, whether they were real or just imagined.  I will always struggle with it.  I have better strategies now for coping with it, but it will always be a part of me.”

 

Victor removed the now finished tray and set it on the desk before crawling over Yuuri to curl up between him and the wall.  Yuuri wrapped his arms around the older man recognizing that he was overwhelmed.  He ran soothing circles up and down his back with his hands as his partner clung to him.  Finally Victor laid back, his hand going over his head as he stared up at the ceiling.  “It can never be easy for us.”

 

Yuuri moved to settle in with his head on Victor’s shoulder, his hand sliding around to rest on the older man’s hip.  “Perhaps it’s not meant to be.  Maybe it looks easy with other people because they hide it...or have been at it so long they’ve gotten good at it.”

 

Victor laughed quietly.  “I never thought about it like that.  I guess...it wasn’t easy when I was with Chris.  But...I didn’t want to fight so hard for it with him.”

 

“And with me?”  Yuuri’s anxiety teased him with doubts.

 

Victor shifted his gaze down to the brunette and caught brown eyes staring up at him.  “I came prepared to fight for you.  I didn’t know what I was getting into...but neither did you.  I still want to fight.  I want you, want us.”  He then sighed, squeezing his arm around Yuuri.  “I didn’t mean for such a serious conversation on your birthday.”

 

Yuuri laughed softly.  He knew how mental illness treated them.  “It doesn’t go away even on birthdays.  Sometimes for me it’s worse.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because...people always plan things.  And being around a lot of people is exhausting.”

 

“They...have something planned,” Victor confessed guiltily.

 

It was Yuuri’s turn to throw himself back and stare at the ceiling, Victor shifting onto his side propped up on his elbow to study the man next to him.  “Sometimes...I just want the quiet.  A day spent to myself.”

 

“And what would you do with it?” Victor prompted.

 

Yuuri smiled, his eyes flicking to Victor’s face.  “Probably skate.”

 

“So you want your birthday...to be like every day?”

 

“Pretty much yeah...I don’t like all of the focus on me.  It’s...embarrassing.”

 

Victor frowned as he considered this information.  “I suppose I can see this...but this is also people’s way of expressing their love for you.  Sometimes...it’s about them...even if it should be about you.”

 

“So...I’m selfish,” Yuuri stated with a huff.

 

Victor chuckled.  “You’re allowed to be selfish to some degree...especially on your birthday.”  He ran his hand up Yuuri’s arm thoughtfully.  “How can I meet you halfway?”

 

“Give me a heads up?  No surprises.  I can pretend, but please don’t let them surprise me.”

 

Victor chuckled.  “There is a birthday dinner planned this evening.  I’m supposed to take you out this afternoon while they set up.”

 

“How many?”

 

“Your parents and close friends.  Minako, the Nishigoris...just family and friends.”

 

Yuuri breathed a sigh of relief.  “I was afraid it was going to be the viewing party crowd.  I don’t...think I can deal with all of that.”

 

“Maybe...next year it can be just the two of us,” Victor promised even as his fingers traced along Yuuri’s chin.

 

Yuuri blinked at the reality of those words.  “Next year?” he squeaked.

 

Victor chuckled at the panic in his voice, leaning forward to tickle him and kiss him as he murmured, “and the year after that...and the year after that…”

 

Yuuri finally settled down beneath his touch and looked up at him with eyes full of laughter and happiness.  “I guess...I never really thought so far into the future.  It was always making it through to the next event.  Then I’d think about the next.  I mean, there were general ideas like wanting to skate with you on the ice…”  He paused as he thought about those words.  “It didn’t turn out like I thought it would.  I never...thought you’d come here.”

 

“I was always looking to the next season...but really, beyond that?  And lately it seemed even harder to see that far...like my vision was blurry.  I didn’t know what the future held for me...until you.  When you danced into my word, you breathed fresh life in me.  I just...was afraid you’d not want me once you saw the truth.”

 

Yuuri reached up to his cheek, his fingers sliding into the silver hair framing Victor’s face.  “You seemed so out of reach,” he whispered.

 

Victor leaned forward, brushing his lips over Yuuri’s before parting fractionally.  “On purpose.  Letting people in close...to be vulnerable with them…to let them see just how broken I am when they expect perfection?”  His whisper faded as he dipped in for another kiss, his tongue encouraging Yuuri to open to him.  Those pretty lips parted and Victor dove in to deepen that kiss.  He received a soft moan in reply.

 

There might be further delays to them leaving the house but at the moment Yuuri only wanted this man moving further into his space.  His shirt soon leaving his body, Victor’s mouth moving over the now bare skin.  Yuuri gasped at the feel of those lips over his nipple, of the fingers teasing the other.  “Vitya,” he breathed, his back arching seeking further contact.  Victor slid his hand around the curve of his back and teased into elastic of his sleep pants.  He felt the squeeze of that hand on his ass.  Yuuri’s foot found purchased as he pushed up towards Victor.  He wanted...more.  He must’ve said it out loud by Victor’s response.

 

“Whatever you want, my Yuuri.”  Victor dipped in to kiss him.

 

Yuuri pushed him back and held onto his eyes.  “I...need…”  Yuuri looked for the words.  “Vitya...please.”

 

“Don’t worry, love.  I’ll take care of you.”  Victor’s hands began sliding the pants down Yuuri’s hips and the younger man lifted up to allow him.  Soon the cool air kissed his skin followed by warm lips working their way up his body.  He felt hot breath over his half-hard length.  His fingers tightened in the sheets as Victor began sucking a mark into his hipbone.

 

Victor returned to that length teasing him with his tongue before sucking him in, Yuuri gasping in response, his hips bucking up guided by Victor’s hands.  “Vitya…need...”  His fingers tugged at Victor’s hair.

 

Victor pulled off of him and searched his eyes.  “What do you want, baby?”

 

“Vitya...need...you…more of you...all of you...in me.”

 

“I’ve got you,” he answered, his voice soft as a caress as he reached for the supplies they had stashed in the top drawer.  He dropped a condom into Yuuri’s hand and reached down to work his own length free of clothes.  The second condom rolled into place, he squeezed some lube onto his fingers.  Yuuri held out his hand and received some as well.  Yuuri focused on the man that held onto him, his fingers tugging on his length before moving down to tease his balls.  He didn’t stop there, his fingers drifting down to tease Yuuri’s entrance.  He held Yuuri’s eyes unbreaking during his exploration.  Yuuri stroked his fingers along his length even as he began to lose focus in the world around him, feeling it fall away.

 

There was only Victor…

 

Silver hair…

 

Blue eyes…

 

And with a moan, he added in his thoughts...long slender fingers…now two inside him.  They began to move with ease.  And Yuuri gasped, feeling the new sensations as Victor teased his prostate with his touch.  Still...he wanted more...

 

“Please…” he begged, the word coming out of him in a long plea.  Victor nodded, his eyes still intent on Yuuri.  Victor moved between his legs as he removed his fingers.  He gathered Yuuri in his arms, legs over the bend of his elbows as he pushed deep into Yuuri.  The younger man could feel...all of him...slowly filling the cavern within him with steady gentle thrusts, could see the watchful eyes looking for any hesitation.  Then stillness.  He felt his body adjust and at the same time felt himself suspended in another reality as if caught in the middle of a story on the ice.

 

Yuuri closed his eyes as Victor leaned in brushing his lips over Yuuri’s, releasing his legs.  Yuuri wrapped them around him as he leaned in to deepen the kiss.  Their movements were hungry and languid at the same time.  Taking their time, Victor thrusted slow and steady allowing Yuuri to become used to him, Yuuri arched up to meet him, kisses fell where they may, grabbing bare surface as they made contact.  Yuuri feld himself losing further focus, his eyes closing as the rising tide started to overwhelm him.  “Vitya…”

 

“I’m here with you,  _ zolotse _ ,” he murmured in response, his movements continuing their steady pace.

 

“I’m falling…”

 

Victor ran his fingers up Yuuri’s body anchoring him as he continued the onslaught on his lover’s senses.  Yuuri felt the rush of oxytocin and endorphins as he lost himself into his orgasm.  Victor cried out shortly and Yuuri knew he came as well, felt the warmth within, and in the distance was aware of his lover’s soothing voice.

 

He felt himself curled on his side, and a blanket being pulled over him.  He shivered.   _ Oh, when did I become cold? _  But Victor was already taking care of him.  He heard Victor say something.  Yuuri tried to focus on the words but they floated away.   _ Are my meds off? _  Then Victor was wrapping his body around him.

 

Yuuri closed his eyes.

 

Victor’s hands ran through his hair and down his body, he soothed with words that slowly came back together.  “Yuuri...I’m here...I’ve got you.”

 

Yuuri finally blinked back open and looked up at Victor.  “What just happened?”

 

“Probably one of the best orgasms I’ve witnessed...and damn, I’m a bit jealous.”

 

“That...was an orgasm?”

 

“Yes...and now that you’re with me, do you want me to hold you a while longer or help clean you up?”

 

“I think...I’ll shower...after I can stand.  Just hold me.”

 

Victor tightened his long arms around Yuuri and they remained in one another’s warmth trading soft kisses and snuggles for another half hour before Yuuri felt ready to stand.  As they stepped into the shower together, Yuuri leaned his head on Victor’s shoulder.  “This birthday so far is going to be hard to beat.”

 

Victor chuckled.  “That orgasm is going to be hard to beat.”

 

Yuuri hummed softly, wrapping his arms around Victor, the feeling of needing closeness still pervasive.  “That’s...not how it is with you?”

 

“It’s good...and with you, even better.  But you completely gave yourself over to it.  Your response was...beautiful to behold.”  Victor brushed a kiss onto his forehead and reached for the shampoo.  

 

“I just focused on you...completely on you...and it happened.”

 

Victor smiled as he guided the suds to rinse out of his hair.  “Remember how I said trust is key...that is the result of complete trust.  I’ve heard of others having that...but I’ve never been able to let myself go like that and I’ve never had a partner do so.  What...changed?”

 

Yuuri considered those words before he murmured, “Next year...it felt like a promise.”

 

“It was,” Victor responded as he added conditioner, dipping down to brush his lips across Yuuri’s lips.  “It most definitely was.”

It took another half hour to finish their shower and head out.  But Victor had a job to do and that included getting Yuuri out of the house for the day.

 

* * *

  
  


Victor filled their afternoon with things Yuuri enjoyed.  They skated, danced, walked along the beach.  They found their favorite place to sit and watch the tide move in and out as Makkachin brought them treasures from the tidepools.  Yuuri leaned into him his head resting on Victor’s shoulder.  Victor wrapped him into his sheltering embrace...periods of quiet and solitude to prepare for the crowd later.

 

“I feel like I haven’t given you anything for your birthday,” Victor murmured.

 

Yuuri turned and lifted his chin to look at Victor behind him.  “You’ve given me everything.  I treasure all of these moments.”

 

Victor squeezed Yuuri into a hug.  “It’s nothing compared to all that you’ve done for me.  I’ve forced you to take care of me, to make tough decisions, to take on responsibility that wasn’t yours...what I’ve done...seems inadequate.”

 

“You...love me just as I am.  You meet me where I’m at and never push me into an uncomfortable space.  You respect my autonomy and lend me strength without devaluing my own.  And then today...you focused on me, spending time with me and giving me what I needed, listened to me, and trusted me.”

 

“Trusting you is easy, Yuuri.  I know you’ve got my best interests at heart.”

 

“We may not always agree...but even in our biggest fights, I want you to know that I love you...I want you to trust in that love.”

 

“I have faith in you, Yuuri.”  Victor smiled, leaning into him and Yuuri felt him shiver.

 

“Is it almost time?”

 

Victor hummed as he pulled out his phone to check the time.  Then with a sharp nod, they stood, called Makkachin in, and continued the walk home.

 

* * *

  
  
  


Victor helped Yuuri with his coat in the front entrance.  Shoes neatly put away, they released Makkachin who took off towards the living room/den.  Yuuri followed with Victor close behind.

 

Perhaps Victor didn’t tell Yuuri all of the surprise...such as the fact that he flew Phichit in or that Yuuko took the day to drive to the airport and bring him back.  Yuuri’s happy tears greeted the Thai man as they both jumped up and down and embraced.

 

“How...why…”  Yuuri couldn’t find the words in his excitement.

 

Phichit laughed in response.  “Victor asked if I could make the time if he arranged the ticket.  I brought Coach Satsuki with me as well.  Victor assured me you’d be willing to share the ice.”  The Thai man winked towards the man behind Yuuri.

 

Yuuri turned around.  “You!  You said that you didn’t get me anything beyond the daisies!”

 

Victor chuckled.  “Well, I couldn’t spoil the surprise.  I wanted to get you what you really wanted and thought that Phichit would be the best gift I could provide.”

 

Yuuri soon found himself surrounded with close friends and family and he found that perhaps the evening wasn’t as difficult as he originally thought it would be.

 

* * *

  
  


“Isn’t Victor going to be jealous if you spend the night with me?”  Phichit teased as he motioned to the futon Yuuri had spread out on the floor next to his twin bed.

 

“It’s his fault.  He gave you to me as my present,” Yuuri declared, then blissfully laid back, arms above his head.  “He’s...amazing, you know.  Nothing like what I imagined.  Better.”

 

Phichit smiled softly.  “I know.  I could tell by how he organized your birthday.  He took great care in who he selected, each person someone that you felt very comfortable with.”

 

“He...organized today?”  Yuuri’s mouth opened in surprise.  “I thought...my family…”

 

Phichit laughed joyfully.  “Nope.  All Victor’s idea.  They just went along with it.”

 

“And he’s spending the night alone...it’s almost not fair.”  Yuuri’s eyes glanced towards the door.

 

Phichit grinned as he squeezed Yuuri’s shoulder.  “I won’t be offended later if you sneak off.  For now, let’s catch up.”

 

“Okay...tell me how things are going in Thailand.”  Then Yuuri sobered.  “How is your sister?”

 

“She’s better.  My cousin turned out to be a good match and she shows no signs of rejecting the kidney.  I want to stay close, though, so I won’t be returning to Detroit until sometime after Worlds.  Just in case.  I’m...the only other possibility that we found.  Preed was happy to try and insisted that he was the better choice since he wasn’t an athlete.”

 

“I’m glad she’s going to be okay,” Yuuri said softly.

 

“Me, too,” Phichit responded quietly.  They continued to talk into the night with Phichit catching Yuuri up on all of the gossip.  And after Phichit fell asleep, Yuuri did slip away to snuggle in next to Victor.

 

“Thank you...for a wonderful birthday,” he whispered.

 

“I just want you to be happy,” Victor answered softly as they traded kisses.  And as Yuuri settled into Victor’s side, he knew that he was happy.  “Next year, it’ll just be the two of us, though.  Some place private and cozy.”

 

“We don’t have to go anywhere.  I just want to be with you,” Yuuri murmured.  “Always.”

 

Victor tightened his arms around Yuuri nuzzling into his hair.  “Always.”

 

* * *

  
  
  


NOTES:

 

My questionable research includes these tidbits ;) :

 

[ Tests Used to Diagnose Depression ](https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-tests)

 

[ Causes of Major Depression ](https://drstubbeman.com/causes-of-major-depression)

 

[ Orgasms and Endorphins ](http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/orgasms-and-endorphins)

 

[ More Sex Is the Secret to a Longer, Healthier Life ](http://www.chatelaine.com/health/sex-and-relationships/more-sex-is-the-secret-to-a-longer-healthier-life/)

 

[ After Orgasm, These 8 Weird Things Can Happen ](http://www.foxnews.com/lifestyle/2017/05/25/after-orgasm-these-8-weird-things-can-happen.html)

 

[ The Neurochemicals of Happiness ](https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201211/the-neurochemicals-happiness)

 

[ Brain on Sex:  How the Brain Functions during Orgasm ](http://www.medicaldaily.com/brain-sex-how-brain-functions-during-orgasm-274052)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this birthday. ;) A little calm...


	61. (Victor) Fine on the Outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor starts contemplating the GPF and worries about their future and where they will go after this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tissues...just a few. 
> 
> Short chapter...
> 
> Thanks BluSkates and Magrathea for the last minute edits! I'm working on getting ahead of the game!

* * *

  
[Fine on the Outside](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbK3Uwf-cOw)

  
  


Victor watched the interplay between Phichit and Yuuri on the ice.  The Thai man would leave in three days to finish preparing for the GPF.  They talked and skated serpentine patterns while the random playlist played, their bodies warming up before practice began in earnest.  Victor sipped his coffee as he oversaw the pair.  Phichit’s coach stood nearby talking with Yuuko.

 

Finally, Victor called out to Yuuri as Phichit went over to his coach.  They were going to take turns going through their programs that day, but Victor wanted to keep the work on the quad flip private.  He reached forward and slipped a gloved hand to the back of Yuuri’s neck inviting intimacy.  Yuuri leaned in.

 

“I have arranged time in Fukuoka to work with a harness.  I think it will help you stabilize the quad flip.”

 

“I’ve...worked with a harness in Detroit, but not a lot.”

 

“I was uncomfortable at first, too.  But anytime I’m working on a new jump, I’m in a harness.  I took a chance when I went to my last appointment on my own and checked with the skate club.  They had the harness and run line set up.”

 

Yuuri nodded thoughtfully.

 

“That being said, I don’t want to announce your progress to Phichit even if he is your best friend.  We’ll work on it after he leaves.  So work the programs without the flip.  Just mark it.  Okay?”

 

“All my jumps?”

 

“The flip mainly.  It’s our wild card.”

 

Yuuri thinned his lips but agreed.  Phichit was his best friend but also his competitor.  He knew he’d do the same given the circumstances.

 

Phichit finished the run through of his short and pulled off to break, leaving the ice to Yuuri.  They continued back and forth several times before they each took half the ice to work on various elements their coaches said needed work.

 

The afternoon was weights and cross-training.  They finished up at the studio using ballet to stretch their muscles.  As the evening progressed, the three of them retreated to the onsen.  Victor was the last to arrive and he spotted Phichit leaning over to whisper in Yuuri’s ear on his approach and the answering pink cheeks.  Victor sank into the water and moved to Yuuri’s side.  He didn’t miss the teasing glimmer in Phichit’s gaze.

 

* * *

 

 

He left Yuuri to visit with Phichit and retreated to his room for some quiet time with his thoughts.  Pulling out his book, he tried to focus on reading but quickly put it aside.  He sat posed with his pen over his journal but didn’t know how to express his thought...or perhaps was afraid to put them down in black and white.

 

He overheard the conversation Yuuri and Phichit had earlier on the ice.  Phichit asked if Victor would continue to coach him after the final.  Yuuri had glanced in his direction and caught his eyes before dodging the question.  He caught the uncertainty of the gaze.  And that hung heavily on his thoughts.

 

The future...what did that hold?  The only thing he knew for certain was that it involved Yuuri.  He couldn’t imagine a life without him.  And if that meant retiring and focusing on Yuuri’s career…

 

And that’s where his thoughts stuttered.  Because...he wasn’t ready.  With Yuuri, he found himself inspired.  New routines, songs filtering through his thoughts.  Every time he heard a song, he could imagine the program.  And there were several he wanted to skate for himself.

 

But...Yuuri…

 

They were bound together with more than words, more than promises...they understood one another possibly better than anyone else had ever understood either of them.  Yuuri knew of Victor’s depression and, although it scared him, he still held out his hand to support him.  In return, he knew of Yuuri’s anxiety, the sting of the words that could come from those anxious lips, the lies it told Yuuri...and he just wanted to reinforce the idea that Yuuri was beautiful, in body, action, and mind.

 

Dancing with Yuuri, skating with Yuuri, lying beneath the covers with Yuuri…

 

This was his life now.

 

Victor considered those words and found himself writing a letter to his former self.

 

_ Vitya ~ _

 

_ So many things have passed you by in your pursuit of the next win.  You lost yourself along the way.  And the journey was difficult because of that. _

 

_ But now you’ve found your Life and your Love both personified in one man.  If you let him go, you are a madman.  He is the only one that can complete you in this way. _

 

_ What would you give up for love? _

 

_ You asked yourself this before...and without having tasted it, you knew the answer then.  Everything. _

 

_ With all of the experiences you’ve had, you never tasted it before Yuuri. _

 

_ Yuuri...who gives of his love unconditionally, who fights for you and inspires you to be better. _

 

_ Yuuri...who makes you chase after that smile of his and look into those brown eyes hoping to uncover the mystery of his thoughts. _

 

_ Yuuri...who loves Makkachin as much as you do. _

 

_ Yuuri...who accepts you with all of your brokenness, with all of your ridiculous behavior, with all of your whims, with all of you. _

 

_ Yuuri...who loves you. _

 

_ I would give up everything for you, Yuuri...EVERYTHING. _

 

As Victor looked at that letter, he realized he had his answer.  He would walk away from his career to coach Yuuri.  It would be bittersweet, but the sweetness outweighed the bitterness...because he could not have Yuuri NOT skate.  He needed Yuuri on the ice like he needed oxygen.

 

He closed his journal and set it aside.  Turning out the light, he curled up on his side and allowed himself the luxury of tears.  “If I’m honest, I’m going to miss competing.  But...I love Yuuri more.”

 

He was still in this position when the door opened late into the night.  He felt Yuuri slide across the bed and wrap himself around him.  He felt the soft kiss brush across the back of his neck.  He felt Yuuri’s cheek cuddle against the center of his back as Yuuri hugged him close.  He felt the lump in his throat as he fought the sob not wanting to alarm Yuuri.  He felt...too much.

 

Turning in Yuuri’s arms, the other man started and whispered, “I thought you were asleep.”

 

“No...just lost in my thoughts,” Victor murmured.

 

“Are you...okay?”

 

Victor lied with a nod.  Yuuri wouldn’t be able to see the tears glittering in his eyes to push the matter.  He leaned in and kissed Yuuri and the younger man opened up to him, his lips responding to Victor’s need.  Victor’s fingers pressed into Yuuri’s flesh, feeling the skin indent beneath his touch.  As he moaned softly into the kiss, Yuuri pulled back with a small laugh.  “Phichit’s next door,” he reminded Victor.

 

“It’s going to be a long two days,” the older man conceded.

 

“I’m yours regardless...I just want to keep...this...as private as possible.”  Yuuri leaned forward and brushed his lips over Victor several more times before they cuddled up in one another’s embrace.

 

And Victor stared at the ceiling, listening to Yuuri’s breathing even out.

 

And all Victor could think was... _ too much.  I feel...too much. _


	62. (Yuuri)  Elastic Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri notices something is off with Victor, he’s more withdrawn and takes more time to himself. Yuuri sees this restlessness as an indication that Victor wants out, wants to return to the ice. He begins thinking about their next move.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, Bluskates and Magrathea, for helping me to put this chapter together. I think this one took all of us.

* * *

 

 

[ Elastic Heart ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWZGAExj-es)

 

 

  
Yuuri sighed as he watched Victor retreat from the room.  Phichit leaned forward, “What’s wrong with him?”  It was his friend’s last day with them but Victor was almost despondent.

 

“I’m not sure.  He hasn’t opened up about it yet.”

 

“Do you think he’s just realized he’s not competing for Grand Prix gold?” Phichit suggested, an uncharacteristic frown on his face.

 

Yuuri’s eyes traced his footsteps up the stairs.  “I don’t think…”  He paused changing directions.  “He’s very aware he’s not competing.  Maybe that’s it.  I mean, he’s competed in this competition for over ten years...maybe he’s getting restless.”

 

“I mean...I would be.  He didn’t exactly announce his retirement,” Phichit pointed out.

 

“No...he did not.  And it would be selfish to ask him to retire completely for my sake.  I couldn’t...no, I _wouldn’t_ ask him to retire.  I...love seeing him skate.  I don’t like seeing him so...down.”

 

“Perhaps you should go talk to him,” Phichit suggested.

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “I’ll give him some space and see if he comes to me on his own.  That’s what I’d want.”

 

His friend shrugged.  “I suppose you know your man better than me.”

 

* * *

  


After Phichit left, Victor didn’t improve.  He just covered it better because it was more noticeable with Phichit gone.  They...talked?  But not really, the conversations falling flat and stale like conversations between acquaintances rather than friends, rather than lovers.  Victor’s coaching was, if anything, more critical...not that Yuuri couldn’t handle critique but the clip of his voice, the edge of his gaze sank deep into Yuuri’s flesh.  And although the barbs hurt, Yuuri would watch him with concern in his gaze.  Of course, Victor failed to recognize that Yuuri knew him better than that; Yuuri would see his struggle, even if he didn’t know the root of it.

 

They went to Fukuoka and spent a day using the harness.  Yuuri had to admit that the jump felt more solid.  And for a while, Victor felt...normal.  He encouraged Yuuri and challenged him.  Guiding him on the harness, he directed Yuuri’s adjustment fine tuning everything from take off to landing.  As they left the rink, they thanked the rink manager.   

 

They directed walked along the boardwalk.  Seagulls cried out and Victor stood at the rail listening, his gaze becoming distant once more.  Yuuri reached out and placed a tentative hand on Victor’s elbow.  The older man looked down and smiled, but his eyes held...mourning.  Yuuri’s lips parted in surprise at the sadness he saw in their depths.

 

“Are you okay?” Yuuri asked.

 

“I’m just...it’s okay, really.  I’m just working through some things,” Victor stated quietly.

 

“Are you sure?  Is that all it is?  I mean, I can listen if you need…”

 

Victor cut him off with a shake of the head.  “Just...let me work through this.”

 

Yuuri sighed but agreed.  “I’ll always give you your space when you need it.”  He tightened his hand around the bend of Victor’s arm and Victor reached around to cover the hold with his own hand.  Yuuri leaned his head against the older man’s shoulder, affection...but also to hide the emotions swimming in his eyes for being effectively shut out.

 

They returned home in silence, quiet words exchanged but lacking the intimacy they had enjoyed previously.  Victor retreated to his room, leaving Yuuri alone in the family den. Yuuri helped Mari with the evening rush in the restaurant before escaping out the front door. He’d promised Victor his space, and yet... he was too upset to skate and couldn’t deal with Minako at the studio.

 

Stretching, he started warming up running in place...his eyes looking elsewhere, seeking escape.  He ran.  He ran down the beach.  His feet hit the pavement and he continued to run, over the hill, through the streets of Hasetsu, around the castle.  He didn’t know how long he ran, but he felt the burn in his lungs as he came to a stop before the darkened onsen.  Nobody missed him.  His mother must have thought he retired with Victor.

 

He showered under a lukewarm spray, undeserving of proper heat to clean his body.  With his clothes under his arm and a towel wrapped around his waist, he reached for the door to their room and stopped.  Victor wanted space.  Down the hall, he looked at the door to his own bedroom, forgotten as of late.  He opened the door.  Cocooning naked into his blankets, he allowed his heart to break over and over again.

 

_It’s my fault he’s miserable.  We were doing so well that I forgot...he would eventually leave.  I should have...let him go a long time ago._

 

_But...I love him._

 

_And I’m killing him._

 

_Why did I even think he’d be happy with me?_

 

_Yuri called it right.  I’m just a fat little piggy.  Of course he’d grow tired of me._

 

_He needs to skate.  If I just let him skate, he’ll be happy again._

 

_He’s much better than me.  I need to retire._

 

Yuuri rolled over and stared out the small opening afforded by the cocoon, gray forms slowly making sense and becoming the furnishings of the room.  He thought with that decision, he would be able to breath but another weight pressed down on his chest.  Because…

 

_I don’t want to retire._

 

_I’m...not happy without the ice, either.  But...he’s more important than me.  He’s more important to me._

 

He blinked into the darkness, still restless, pushing up out of his blankets and dressing.  After another quick jog into town, he opened the back door to the rink.  He only turned on the necessary lights.  Putting on his skates, he sought solace on the ice.

 

He skated for the longest time until he looked up and realized he wasn’t alone.  Standing by the rail, he spotted Victor.  He had coffee in his hand, and as their eyes met, the Russian reached over to lift the thermos, revealing enough to share.  Yuuri skated to the barrier and accepted the cup, sipping it to warm up.  Victor watched him with concern.

 

Finally, the older man broke the silence.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered.  “I shut you out and you’re upset with me.”

 

“I just...I can’t fix things if I don’t know what’s wrong,” Yuuri murmured.

 

Victor shook his head.  “There’s nothing for you to fix, _lyubov moya_.  I just need you to love me.”

 

“What’s going on?  Up here?”  Yuuri tapped the side of his head.

 

Victor sighed, his eyes casting across the ice.  “I’m just coming to some decisions.  That’s all.”

 

“And you don’t want to talk about it?”

 

“I...don’t,” Victor confessed.  “Is that wrong?  I mean, it’s a personal decision.  I needed to make it right in my heart.”

 

“I guess...since it’s a personal decision…”  Yuuri frowned, not at peace at all with those words but unsure what else to say.

 

Victor lifted Yuuri’s chin.  “I love you.”  Their foreheads touched.  “Come to bed with me, my Yuuri.  I miss you.”

 

Yuuri sniffed back, swallowing the sob.   _Damn it!_  Nodding, he headed towards the break and exited the ice.  Victor helped him change out of his skates.  The walk back was quiet, but not nearly so alone.  Nothing was resolved.  Not really.  But Victor didn’t feel so far away.

 

Back home, Yuuri shed his clothes and crawled in beside Victor naked, needing to feel his lover’s warmth.  Victor wrapped him up, his hands running up and down Yuuri’s back seeking deeper intimacy.  They were desperate and that emotion gave way to desperate kisses.  Kisses gave way to seeking touches and heat built between them.  

 

“Yuuri…” he moaned as Yuuri opened him up, as Yuuri demanded more of him.  Too much intimacy had been lost over the last few days.  Their bodies craved each other and Victor gave himself to Yuuri’s demands.  Yuuri knew his holds were rougher, pushing them further.

 

Yuuri met his eyes and held them even as he caught Victor’s .  “Is this okay?”  Victor nodded.  “Are you...sure you’re okay with this?”

 

“I need this,” he whispered.

 

And they both knew they needed that release of emotions.  That pressure valve.  Yuuri guided Victor to turn over.  Victor’s hips up in the air, he ran his fingers down Victor’s spine, his expression giving away to some of the pain he was feeling now that Victor couldn’t see him.  He pushed into him, his movements possibly more cautious than normal because of their heightened emotions.  He didn’t want to hurt Victor.

 

Victor groaned, pressing back impatiently.  “Need more.”

 

“Vitya…”  He was fully sheathed in Victor and held still, his fingers tracing down Victor’s spine.

 

“Yuuri,” Victor demanded in frustration.  “I need you to go hard.”

 

This shook Yuuri out of his anxious daze.  He began to move within Victor, fucking him with punishing desire driven by the unresolved emotion between them.  Victor echoed his cries, holding himself firm to receive him.  And then he cried out in release.  Yuuri pounded a few more times before he followed his lover over the edge.

 

Victor collapsed in their mess with a groan.  He turned his face to the side, breathing hard.  Nothing was resolved.  Not really.  As Yuuri wrapped around him, those fears started to dig around in his heart once more.  He kissed Victor’s shoulder.  The other man grunted in response.  Yuuri blinked back his tears and slowly pulled away.

 

“I’ll go get something to clean up,” he muttered as he headed towards the door.  He didn’t hear Victor slip behind him and he stiffened when he felt those arms wrap around his waist.  

 

“Let’s wash up and move to your room.  We’ll deal with this mess tomorrow,” he suggested.  They crossed the hall of the darkened home in hurried nudity and washed up efficiently.  Looking up into the mirror, Yuuri now saw the worn and haggard look on Victor’s face.  His own...showed definite signs of stress and puffiness around the eyes.  Victor noticed, too, and leaned forward to brush a kiss into his hair apologetically.  “Remember...I love you.”

 

“It shouldn’t have to be a reminder,” Yuuri whispered in reply.

 

Victor’s eyes dropped although his cheek still rubbed against his hair.  “I know.”  Lacing his fingers into Yuuri’s, he pulled the younger man into the smaller bedroom.  They settled into each other’s embrace, Yuuri positioned so that he could hear Victor’s heart, Victor wrapped around Yuuri protectively.   _What are you protecting me from?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many feels! Hope you forgive me for this path we are headed down...
> 
> ;)


	63. Demons (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As they prepare to go to Barcelona, Victor struggles with his decision. He talks it over with Sasaki, Makkachin, and even Chris but not Yuuri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to BluSkates and Magrathea for this last minute edit!
> 
> Now enjoy...I'm imagining this story wrapping up at chapter 72ish so we are drawing close to the end.

* * *

 

 

[ Demons ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JUwcv7dUQI)

 

Victor’s eyes opened as the sharp rays of early morning light teased his lashes.  He turned his head to find Yuuri already buried under a pillow, only his bare back exposed.  Stretching out in bed, Victor could feel the ache from last night’s activities.  He had demanded it hard, hoping that he would wake feeling stretched, fulfilled, but he woke with the same dull,empty ache in his chest.  Now, thinking back, he realized he was not in the right mindset for their lovemaking.

 

He ran his long fingers down Yuuri’s spine with a whispered “I’m sorry” in their wake.  Whatever reason within Yuuri that led to his compliance, Victor was certain he had pushed the younger man into it.  His actions and withdrawals over the past few days were not the actions supporting a healthy relationship.  He needed to talk to somebody.

 

Pulling out his phone, he checked his schedule for the day.   _ Sasaki-sensei.  Good _ .  He needed to expel some of his inner demons.  He slipped from the covers and reached for a robe, finding one in Yuuri’s room.

 

He showered quickly, needing the sting of the needle-like water pressure to shake him free of his thoughts.  Activity was needed, something to keep him busy.  And he needed to help Yuuri to not feel so cut off.

 

In his own room, he dealt with the bedding and pulled out fresh linens to replace them with efficiency that would have made Mari proud...except for maybe the reason.  He carried them downstairs and found the washer free.  Putting them in, he started the cycle before joining his Yuuri’s family...his family for as long as they’d have him.

 

Hiroko prepared him a cup of coffee and breakfast while she worked through her morning chores.

 

“Thank you, Mama.”  He ducked his head, focusing on the cup and avoiding her eyes.  “Will it be a busy day?”

 

She leveled a knowing gaze in his direction.  “My day will go smoothly.  But you have something on your mind, Vicchan.”

 

“Yuuri and I are fighting...but not,” Victor confessed.  “Does that make sense?”

 

Hiroko laughed bitterly.  “It makes perfect sense.  It’s Yuuri.  Either he’s not talking about what’s going on inside of him...or he’s taking in what’s going on outside of him and making it his fault.”

 

Victor frowned at that.  He didn’t want Yuuri to take on the blame for his...what was this, anyway?   _ Mourning?  Decisions?  Should it be this hard? _  “I’ve been working through some things...and I may have shut him out?”

 

She sat across from him with a cup of tea.  “May have?”

 

“I...have.  I don’t know how to talk to him about it.  It...technically is my decision.”

 

“When you are in a relationship, it’s never just about you,” she advised.

 

“Chris would say the same thing,” Victor murmured as he sipped his coffee.  “He said I was the worst when I shut him out.  Now I’m doing the same thing to Yuuri.”

 

“What are you going to do about it?”

 

“I...will go talk to Sasaki.  In fact, I need to walk to the station soon.”

 

“You go alone?”

 

“Today...yes.  Yuuri is on his own until this afternoon.”

 

“If you’re sure…”  Hiroko frowned as he walked out of her kitchen.  She hated to see her kids unhappy.  “Vicchan...the one you need to talk to is upstairs.”

 

* * *

  
  
  


Victor accepted the cup of tea from Sasaki-sensei as he took his seat, his eyebrows furrowing almost as deeply as his frown.  She sat across from him, took a seat, and waited.

 

“I think...I need to quit skating,” he finally stated.

 

She tilted her head thoughtfully (or maybe she was hiding her surprise) and asked, “And what brought you to this conclusion.”

 

“Several things, really.  Yuuri is younger and we can’t both skate.”

 

“Why not?”  Sasaki made sure to keep her voice open, asking question as more of curiosity of the profession and not a challenge.

 

“I’d need to move back to Russia.  My coach is there.  And then...I’d have to leave Yuuri.  I can’t leave Yuuri.”

 

“And there is no middle ground?”

 

He paused.  “None that I can think of.”

 

“Have you talked this decision over with your partner?”

 

Victor shook his head slowly.  “No...I didn’t want him to talk me out of it.”

 

“You know he won’t approve.”

 

Victor shook his head.  “He hasn’t realized we both can’t skate.  I don’t want to mess up his coming competition with the weight of this decision.  Except…”  He frowned into his cup then took a sip, his eyebrows lowered if possible further.

 

“Except?”

 

“I can’t hide that there is something bothering me.  He knows me too well.  We’ve been fighting...but not.  Does that even make sense?”

 

She smiled benignly.  “Perfect sense.  You aren’t communicating...which you’ve already admitted is a problem you have in relationships.  So...what are you going to do?”

 

“I need...to make peace with my decision.”  HIs words were firm, but his voice wavered.

 

She took a long sip of tea as she considered her words.  “Perhaps you are struggling to make peace with it because it’s not the right decision.”

 

“I can’t ask Yuuri to give up his career.”  Victor chewed his lip.  “I don’t want him to work with another coach.  No, this is the only option.”

 

“I find that two heads come to a solution more neatly than one.  Perhaps if the two of you discussed this matter, then no one will have to make such sacrifices.”

 

He flicked his eyes up and she was immediately aware that he was clearly distressed, moisture glittering in his eyes.  “Maybe...I’ll think a little harder on it.”

 

“I find that when I’m trying to make an important decision, it helps when I write things down...in this case, more than a pros and cons list...you need to brainstorm ideas and think outside the box.  You need to  _ discuss it _ with your partner.”

 

Victor only half heard her.  He thanked her as he left and walked back to the train station with his head in a cloud.

 

* * *

  
  


In Hasetsu, he knew where he’d find Yuuri but wasn’t ready to face him.  Instead, he went to the onsen and gathered Makkachin’s leash for a walk.  Mari was standing outside when he walked out the door.  “You okay?” she asked with a flick of her cigarette.

 

Victor shrugged.  “I’ve got a lot going on in my head.”

 

“That sounds like Yuuri.  Have you two talked?”

 

Victor lifted his head and looked off in the distance.  “Not well.  I don’t think he’s very happy with me right now.”

 

“Be careful.  By not talking to Yuuri, he’s liable to fill in the blanks himself...and make his own decisions.  You might not like the results.”

 

Victor met her eyes.  He heard the warning in her voice, the words, but he still felt stuck in his own thoughts.  Why...couldn’t he talk about this?

 

He took Makkachin with him to the beach, fishing out his phone on the way.   _ Oh, I missed a call from Chris. _  He sent the call back through.  “Hey, Chris,” he greeted as his friend answered.

 

“Hello, Vitya.  How are you?”

 

“Why do you ask?” Victor asked suspiciously.

 

There was a moment of silence before Chris responded.  “I haven’t heard from you in a while.  That usually means something bad.  What’s going on?”

 

In defeat, Victor forced out the air in his lungs.  Everyone seems determined to make him talk today.  “I’m...thinking about retiring.”

 

More silence and Victor could picture the tightening of Chris’ jaw.  “Are you giving up, then?”

 

“What do you mean giving up?  I won five years straight.  It’s time.”

 

“I don’t think that it is, Vitya.  You are taking better care of yourself than ever before.  Why is it that you really want to retire?”

 

“Yuuri...I can’t coach him and skate.  I’d rather he skate.  He’s got more time.  And I can’t ask him to put his career on hold.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Are you sure you aren’t using Yuuri as an excuse?”

 

“I don’t…” Victor trailed off as he examined his motives.  Leave it to Chris to call him out if he smelled the slightest hint of bullshit.  “I don’t want to go back to that place, Chris.  What if I don’t come back?”

 

“Vitya…”

 

“I’m terrified of leaving Yuuri alone...of failing.  And I can’t tell Yuuri any of this.”

 

“No, you  _ have _ to tell Yuuri.  I almost lost Lawrie because I didn’t talk to him.  I ended up sleeping with a friend...and then he was good enough a friend to call me on it and make me call Lawrie and talk.  You need to talk to him, Vitya.”

 

“I love him.”

 

“I know.  Talk to him.”  Then Chris was gone and Victor was alone with Makkachin.  He sat on the sand staring into the ocean.

 

“Makka...I’m doing the right thing, aren’t I?”

 

The poodle laid her head in Victor’s lap with a moan, then covered her nose with a paw.

 

“I know...I need to talk to him.”

 

“Then why don’t you?”  The familiar voice caused him to start and he looked up as Yuuri approached him dropping in the sand behind him.

 

“I’m scared,” he admitted...probably the first honest words he said to Yuuri in days.  He felt a hand slide up his back and dropped his head against the other man’s shoulder.  “I’m scared.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	64. Somewhere Only We Know (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri finds Victor on the beach...
> 
> (Missing scenes added)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, Magrathea and BluSkates, for the edits on this. ;)
> 
> Now...where was I...

* * *

 

[ Somewhere Only We Know ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzNM9VB7a7o)

  


“I’m scared.”  Yuuri watched his expression as Victor admitted the truth...or part of it.  As Victor lay in his arms on the sandy beach, Yuuri waited.  Finally, Victor pushed the words out.  Yuuri could feel the bitter edge.  “I’m thinking about retiring.”

 

Yuuri sighed heavily.  It was the last thing he wanted but if he was honest, his own retirement was also in that category.  “Is it because of me?” he asked quietly.

 

“I think...that’s part of it.  I thought...it was all of it.  But...I talked to Chris and he called me out on the truth.  I’m...scared.  I think I was using you as an excuse.”

 

“What are you scared of?” Yuuri asked quietly.

 

Victor rested on Yuuri’s shoulder and a silence stretched out between them like the ocean.  Yuuri waited.  Finally, Victor spoke.  “What if I end up back in that place?  What if no one finds me in time?  What if I...leave you alone?”

 

Yuuri’s arms tightened around Victor instinctively.  “Your lowest moments are always right after a win,” Yuuri confirmed quietly.  “I think...walking away from competition without dealing with the cause of those crashes is a mistake and you will regret that decision.”

 

“How can we do it all, though?”

 

“I’ve been...thinking about the same thing.  I even thought...I’d retire.”

 

“No, Yuuri!  I don’t want that!”

 

“I know.  I just...the problem seems so insurmountable.  But...we’ve always overcome obstacles by working together, not by ourselves.”

 

“Everyone’s been telling me to talk to you.”

 

“I’ve been waiting...but every time I tried to broach the subject, you shut me out.”

 

“I...was afraid.  I couldn’t even admit the real reason why I was considering retirement until...I talked to Chris.”

 

“Why was it hardest to talk to me?”

 

“Because...your opinion means the most to me,” Victor admitted.  Yuuri felt the blush rise up in his cheeks at those words.  “Because I love you...and I don’t want to hurt you.  And...that seems  contradictory because...I think that’s what I’ve been doing.”

 

“I was...frustrated.  And trying to figure out how to fix it without all of the information.”

 

“I didn’t help,” Victor admitted.

 

“No, you did not.”  Yuuri held Victor tightly against him.  “Can I ask you what happened today at Sasaki’s office?”

 

Victor nodded but didn’t answer immediately.  “She said...I needed to write it all down.  And to talk to you.  She suggested there might be a better solution...if we worked together.”

 

“Not just us...I think this is one we need to bring up to your coach.  I think Yakov might have something to suggest.  And...maybe even Minako or Celestino because they’ve both worked with me for a long time.  Do you think...you can work with others as well?”

 

“I..don’t know.”

 

“I just know...that this problem is bigger than us.  It means we might have to rely on others.  But perhaps they know something we don’t know.”

 

“I just know...I don’t want to be apart from you.  That’s not negotiable.”

 

“Okay.  Let’s make a list.  Minako is going with us to Barcelona.  We’ll see both Ciao Ciao and Yakov there.  We could even discuss it with Chris and Phichit.”

 

“I don’t know if they...you remember how they were sorta together?  Chris is back with Lawrie.”

 

Yuuri smiled indulgently.  “Phichit knew that.  We talked about it later.  He felt guilty but said he encouraged Chris to talk to his fiance.  I understand they changed the parameters of their relationship and Chris was struggling with the transition.”

 

“And Phichit?”

 

“Phichit...commits to friendship and is loyal to a fault.  But...he’s fine for now just being with friends.”

 

“So he’s not upset?”

 

“He was only upset because he thought he hurt Chris.  He’ll actually be glad Lawrie and Chris worked it out.”

 

Victor laid his head on Yuuri’s shoulder.  “I’m sorry about last night,” he said finally.

 

Yuuri dropped his eyes to the head of silver hair, feeling suddenly guilty.  “I think...I owe you the apology.  I took my frustration out on you.”

 

“I was...using you to expel my own demons.  That wasn’t right.”

 

Yuuri held onto him, pressing a kiss onto his temple.  “Maybe we can make up for it,” he suggested softly.  “I love you, too.  I want to do what it takes to make this work.”

 

“That means we have to talk...and I have been lousy at that lately.”

 

“Let’s learn from this and move forward, okay?”

 

Victor tipped up his chin and opened up for a kiss which Yuuri happily complied.  “Can we go home, now?”

 

Yuuri smiled, standing and offering him a hand.  They walked back to the onsen hand in hand, leaning into one another’s space from time to time to steal a kiss.

 

Yuuri guided Victor into the family dining room and left him to help his mother finish dinner.  The restaurant was closed that night because Yuuri would be leaving the next day and the family wanted to spend time with him.  His mother clucked as Yuuri put the rice into the bamboo container.  “You should rest.”

 

“I can rest on the plane,” he responded warmly.

 

She frowned critically.  “You never rest on the plane.”

 

“Vitya knows how to calm me down, Okaasan,” he murmured.

 

“So he talked to you,” she stated.

 

He smiled thoughtfully.  “Finally.  We don’t have it worked out but now...we can start sorting through it.  We are going to talk to several people and get some help.”

 

“So it’s a big thing,” she confirmed.

 

“It...feels big.  We need some support and we...I spent so long fighting alone because I refused to ask for help.  I won’t put Victor through that.  If that means asking for help, then I’ll ask.”

 

“You’ve grown so much in the last year,” his mother teased.

 

He rolled his eyes.  “Well, not that much, before long, Yura will be taller than me.”

 

She cackled in response popping him with a towel.  “That one is a firecracker!”

 

“Yes, he is...but once you get past his bristles, he’s all soft inside.”

 

“Like a hedgehog.”

 

Yuuri grinned as he helped her carry out the meal.  “I dare you to tell him that.”

 

“Oh, he likes me,” she pointed out.

 

Victor looked up from where he was talking with Toshiya.  “What are you two talking about?”

 

“Yura...my mother has compared him to a hedgehog.”

 

Victor smirked and raised an eyebrow.  “She’s not wrong.”

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri and Victor’s lips met as the door slid shut behind them.  Spending a few hours with family had them feeling the thrum of arousal as the evening wore on but they could not find a good excuse to leave.  Yuuri’s mother closed the restaurant, after all.  Thankfully, his family went to bed early as their day would begin early.

 

Inside their privacy of their room, clothes came off haphazardly four hands roaming and assisting two bodies.  Soon, they tumbled naked into bed. Victor was crawling over him and Yuuri was very aware of the weight of both of their erections on his stomach.  “God, Vitya!”

 

“I need you, Yuuri,” he breathed.

 

“Will you fuck me?”

 

Victor pulled back and considered those words.  “I don’t want you too sore for Barcelona.”

 

Yuuri pouted but he knew it made sense.  “You know that timing our sex life is really the biggest challenge we’re going to have when you return to competition.”

 

Victor frowned.  “I don’t think I want to have that conversation with Yakov.”

 

Yuuri snorted.  “You goofball!  That is the one thing I think we can figure out ourselves.”  He leaned up and caught his lips in a series of kisses.  “Ride me,” he whispered as they broke and heard Victor’s answering moan.  But then his eyes widened as Victor seemed to give himself a quick stretch before sinking down on Yuuri.  “What!?  When?!”

 

“I excused myself to the bathroom earlier while your mother, sister and Minako had you cornered and your dad was napping between drinks.”   Victor gave him a triumphant smirk.  “I think we will handle the planning and timing of our sex life just fine, my Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri rolled his eyes and chuckled but that laugh died as Victor lowered himself down to kiss him slow and dirty.  To think today was full of so much negative emotions.  He skated and worried about Victor.  He danced and worried about Victor.  And when Victor never showed up he went looking for Victor...and found him where he expected...on the beach, the place where they allowed their emotions to run hard.  And Victor finally opened up to him, his fears much deeper than Yuuri realized.  Now, Victor’s fingers grazed down his side to tickle him and tease his sensitive places.  He brushed kisses, nipped along his jaw, and whispered phrases in Russian to tease Yuuri’s senses.  He could parse through them when every nerve wasn’t firing.  But now, they fell on him like a dream...on the edge of consciousness but not fully formed in his thoughts.

 

Victor then pushed up and started riding Yuuri in earnest, bouncing sloppily.  In the recesses of his mind, Yuuri thought about how much noise they were making but those thoughts were quickly overwritten by pleasure as Yuuri felt his orgasm building.  He knotted his hands into the sheets.  His hips rose up to meet Victor.  His hands found their way to Victor’s hips.   _ God! _  He couldn’t keep his focus.  Then he felt himself shattering, coming hard in Victor.

 

As Victor rolled off of Yuuri, he knew his lover hadn’t finished.  Yuuri pulled himself together enough to slide down Victor’s body.  He sucked his neck as his hand found Victor’s length and started to stroke it steadily.  His lips moved down Victor’s chest and he found each nipple.  Victor’s hands were in his hair tangling into the dark tresses.  Then Yuuri’s lips sank down around Victor’s cock, sucking him deep as he heard Victor’s gasp.  He made quick work of Victor’s cock, hollowing his cheeks and pulling back up.  He heard the man’s moan, felt the man’s hands stroking through his hair.  Yuuri could tell Victor was fighting against fucking up into Yuuri’s mouth and small thrusts showed he was losing the battle and slowly coming undone beneath him.  And then he felt his lover tightening then releasing within his mouth.  He swallowed every drop of it, licking his tongue around the surface to clean the last bit up.

 

Moving back up Victor’s body, he settled into the older man’s arms.  Yuuri grew still but knew he couldn’t stay like this.  “I need to shower,” he murmured.  “And brush my teeth.”

 

“I know,” Victor whispered.

 

“I’m feeling the entire day in my muscles right now.”

 

“Why don’t we shower together then sneak down to the onsen?” Victor suggested.

 

Thirty minutes later, they were resting in each other’s arms in the dim light of the hot springs.  “Tell me about your day,” Victor finally asked.

 

“I woke up and you were gone.  I thought...I made you mad on top of everything else.  Then I went and skated.  I kept expecting you to come but you never did.  When I couldn’t skate any more, I danced.  Finally, I went looking for you.”

 

“Baby, I…”

 

Yuuri placed his fingers on Victor’s lips.  “We both made mistakes.  But we are going to get help and figure out the best course of action.”

 

“I know...I don’t want to train separately from you.”

 

“Nor do I.  I can’t imagine skating without you there.  Not anymore.”

 

Victor sucked in a worried breath and released, “Would you...be willing to move?”

“Yes...just as long as it was with you.  That’s my hard line.”

 

Victor breathed out his relief.  “If you are willing to relocate...then we’ll just need to figure out who is willing to support us both.”

 

“It’s hard to ask others for help,” Yuuri admitted.  “But for you, I’ll walk through fire.”

 

Victor tightened his arms around Yuuri.  They were quiet for a few minutes then Victor started chuckling quickly turning into full laughter.  Yuuri looked up at him curiously.  “I was just thinking...walking through fire...not the best thing for a figure skater’s feet.”

 

Yuuri smiled.  “I suppose not.”  They were getting silly, too tired for life to make sense.  With a yawn, Yuuri stood and reached for Victor’s hand.  “Let’s go to bed, sweetheart.”

  
  
  


* * *

  


“Yuuri, do you have our prescriptions for customs?”

 

“It’s all in order.  Do you have the paperwork in order for competition?”

 

“In my carry on.  Put the prescription paperwork in there as well.  I’ve got our passports.”  They bounced back and forth as they packed at the last minute.  Their flight wasn’t until five in the evening and they lazed around until ten enjoying each other’s presence.  Then they went through the last minute checks on packing.

 

Mari knocked on the door.  “Are you two about ready?”

 

“Are you?” he asked with an eyebrow raised.  Mari and Minako had managed to gain tickets to this year’s GPF and would be flying out with the couple.  Victor even agreed to fly business class to sit with the others.

 

They loaded up in Takeshi’s minivan, Minako already waiting inside.  “Let’s go!” Takeshi encouraged as he tapped the hood.  “We’ve got a flight to catch.”

 

On the plane, Yuuri turned into Victor’s shoulder.  Victor felt his stress building, and as the plane started down the runway, he distracted Yuuri with kisses.  As the plane cleared the runway, he tucked into Victor’s neck and closed his eyes.  They didn’t sleep much the night before, having talked deep into the night.  They missed each other.  The chasm had that separated them was nearly unbearable.  But now they were back together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you just have to talk like fucking adults...


	65. Friend of Mine (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay...I forgot a chapter. Here it is!
> 
> Arriving in Barcelona

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay...because of my little tease with the sexy times scene, I forgot to post 65 and jumped straight to 66. SO here it is. I hope it didn't mess you all up. You get two for one because of it.

* * *

 

 

 

[ Friend of Mine ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnxO_UPjpVk)

 

Arriving in Barcelona...

  
  
  


When they arrived at the room,  Yuuri was travel weary.  Victor helped him to undress, supported him in the shower and guided him into his pajamas before settling the weary man into bed.  “I have to unpack,” he mumbled sleepily.

 

Victor chuckled warmly.  “Let me take care of it.  Rest, my Yuuri,” he directed, kissing the tousled brown hair.  He pulled the blankets over his lover and tucked them around him.  As Yuuri’s eyes fluttered closed and his expression relaxed into sleep, Victor was left alone with his thoughts.

 

Victor watched over Yuuri as he slept, hoping for the calm to wash over him but only feeling the rising tide of panic.  He started busying himself with unpacking.  He organized their clothes, hanging them and tending to any wrinkles or repairs he spotted which amounted to a loose button and a loose piece of trim.  Sewing kit packed back up, he went through their papers and double checked they were in order.

 

He drew a deep breath as he sat back in a hotel chair.  Breathing in was hard, pushing it back out even harder.  He felt the sob, the emotions coming in and starting to drown him.  He checked his medication and knew he had already taken his prescription.

 

_ Yuuri needs his rest...I can’t wake him even though I’m falling apart inside. _

 

In the solitude of the bathroom, he set his toiletry bag on the counter next to Yuuri’s.  He reached for it once then pulled back.  His hands shook, his body shook as he tried to pull it all under control.  He reached for the bag again, knowing what it held and jerked back.

 

_ I can’t...Yuuri will be upset. _

 

Still, Victor felt the draw to the means to an emotional release hidden in the small compartment.  Glancing towards the door, he listened for signs of life.  Yuuri’s even breathing sounded through the small opening.  With the greatest of care, he reached in to pull out the item hidden there.  Even then, he hesitated laying it down and staring at it.

 

The edge was sharp...it was one of his favorite types of blades.   _ It cuts clean.  The blade sterilizes easy and holds an edge, like my skates _ .  He eased down the waistband of his running pants.  Standing up, he stared at the older cuts in the mirror.  His eyes darted back and forth between the blade and the scars.

 

Gasping, he rushed from the bathroom.  Grabbing his room key, phone, and backpack, he slipped outside.  He blinked away the tears as he felt the door close and pasted on a smile in case he encountered someone.

 

The halls were empty.  He headed towards the elevator.  Entering, he read the directory then hit the panel taking him to the roof...and the pool.  The water would be cold.  Perhaps bracing enough to shake him out of his thoughts.

 

Reaching the roof, he saw the pool was filled and inviting.  He slipped into a changing room and came out minutes later in his suit and carrying a hotel towel.  He threw his things on a lounge and approached the edge.

 

He dove in, smooth and clean.  He always had an affinity with water in all of its forms.  If he didn’t skate and dance, he could have swam his way to the top.  The water embraced him, and he gasped at the chill but welcomed it just the same.  He swam laps until he exhausted his energy, pulling out of the water and reaching for the towel to dry off.

 

Chris found him.  Victor often wondered if he had a tracking device on him that made Chris zero in on his location.  Victor sat on the edge of the pool, his trunks covering the scars.  Chris studied his demeanor with a frown before announcing his presence.  “I thought I’d take a swim.”

 

Victor looked up and shrugged.  “Don’t let me stop you.”

 

Chris’s robe fell onto the lounge chair and then he plunged into the water.  He swam a couple of laps so that he could study his friend without it being overly obvious.  He then swam up to where Victor was perched and pushed himself up out of the water to join him on the edge.  “So...have you decided?”

 

“I...talked with Yuuri.”

 

“Good...so what’s going on in your head?”  Chris had a way of diving to the heart of matters at times.

 

“We...made a list of the things we will not compromise on and what we wanted.  We prioritized them.”

 

“And?”

 

“We both want to skate...we both want the other to skate and stay competitive.  And...well, we want to stay together.”

 

“So...what are you going to do?”

 

Victor sighed.  “I need to talk to Yakov.  Yuuri says we need to talk to those who might work with us.  He’s going to meet with Ciao Ciao and Minako.  They will probably be together.  And then...maybe we can come up with a solution.”

 

“Why don’t both of you talk to those people?”

 

Victor looked up in surprise.  “Wh-what do you mean?”

 

“Victor, I know you.  If you don’t like what you hear, you’ll likely omit that part or gloss over it.  And from what I know about Yuuri, he will crowd good advice out with anxious thoughts and twist it into something unrecognizable.”

 

Victor nodded.  “You’re right...I know that.  I just...I don’t see how it will all work out.”

 

“Of course you don’t,” Chris stated as if it was obvious.  Then he smiled encouragingly.  “You’re just too close to the problem.  Talking to others is actually a good idea.”

 

“It should be, it was Yuuri’s,” Victor clarified.

 

Chris grinned.  “He’s good for you.  I wasn’t sure how his anxiety would work along with your depression but...he has gotten you to take better care of yourself than any of us could.”

 

Victor nodded pulling his knees to his chest.  “I...almost cut myself today.”

 

“Almost?” Chris asked with a raised eyebrow, his voice calm and steady.

 

“I didn’t...Yuuri takes good care of me, but I couldn’t add that anxiety to him.  He’d blame himself.”

 

“So...you thought of someone else.  So...what now?”

 

“I’m trying to find other ways to release the...pressure.  Sasaki-sensei calls it a pressure valve.  But...Yuuri needed his sleep.  And I didn’t trust myself alone with that blade.”

 

“So you left,” Chris stated.

 

Victor nodded.

 

Chris smiled, tilting his head to one side.  “You...are getting better.  You wouldn’t have stopped yourself before.”

 

“No...I wouldn’t,” Victor admitted.  A chime on his phone grabbed his attention.  It was the one assigned to only Yuuri so he turned and reached for his phone.

 

**Yuuri/ Are you okay?**

 

**Victor/ You should be resting.**

 

**Yuuri/ I was...but I got up to use the bathroom and found this.**

 

**{picture of blade on the countertop}**

 

“Fuck!” Victor breathed out.  Seeing Chris’s curious gaze, he stated, “I left the blade on the counter in the bathroom and Yuuri found it.”

 

“You should probably go and deal with that.”

 

He pulled on his sweats over his speedo and shrugged on his t-shirt and jacket.  “Sorry, Chris.”

 

He shrugged.  “I’m going to swim a few more laps then go snuggle up to my man.  Don’t worry about it.”

 

“Did Lawrie come?” Victor asked absently as he grabbed his bag.

 

“Yes, and we’ll visit later.  Go!”

 

Victor nodded as he ran to the elevator.  He began typing a reply to Yuuri.

 

**Victor/ I didn’t want to wake you.**

 

**Victor/ I didn’t cut.**

 

**Victor/ Don’t be mad.**

 

**Yuuri/ I’m not.**

 

**Yuuri/ Always wake me.**

 

**Yuuri/ And I won’t get mad.  I’m here for you.**

 

**Victor/ I’m on my way back.**


	66. Just My Soul Responding (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri wakes up to find himself alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to my beta readers/editors Magrathea and BluSkates.
> 
> Now...I may have missed a posting last week. I'm just not sure. But here it is if I did...I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> I hope you had very happy holidays and I plan to put some more chapters together over the next few days now that family obligations are behind me. Safe travels, hugs, and warm fuzzy blankets!

* * *

 

[ Just My Soul Responding ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6PDBl8_4Cc)

 

Yuuri found his nose twitching, and that woke him up just enough to realize another basic need.  Rising up, he found no sign of Victor.  The suitcases were emptied and tucked away, their clothes hung and in order.  Papers were sorted and organized.  In the bathroom, Yuuri turned on the light.

 

The wink of the knife’s blade caught his eye and he stilled, staring at the offending object.  Forgetting his initial purpose, he scrambled for his phone and sought out Victor’s whereabouts.   _ Is he okay?  Why didn’t he wake me?  Damn him! _

 

Victor’s replies assured him he was at least not hurt.  He waited for Victor’s return as he finally answered the call of nature.  Victor came into the room as he emerged from the bathroom, hands washed, eyes worried.  Yuuri ran to him wrapping him up in his arms.

 

“I’m sorry,” Victor apologized as Yuuri backed up enough to rest their foreheads together.  “I didn’t mean to scare you.  When I...felt myself going down that path, I escaped and I guess I just let it lie.”

 

“What’s going on, sweetheart?  Talk to me,” Yuuri rushed, his hands going up to cradle his cheeks.

 

“I have all of this...stuff...inside me.  It feels like I’m drowning.  I can’t breathe when it happens.”

 

“The emotions.  Do you know what triggered it?”

 

“I think...it’s been building since I started thinking I’d have to quit skating.  Yuuri...I’m stuck.  Skating makes me hurt myself...not skating makes me hurt myself.”

 

“Vitya, love...it’s not the skating hurting you.  It’s being unsettled within.  Let’s see if we can calm you down.”  Yuuri pulled him back to the bed.  As they reached the edge, Yuuri helped him out of his clothes.  “You dressed over your wet swimsuit?”

 

“I...thought you’d be mad.”

 

“I’m never mad...not with this.  I know it’s something you are struggling with and are trying to do better.  You are going to have good days and bad days.  And...I needed to see which it was.  I needed to know you were okay.”  Yuuri shucked his own clothes and then pulled Victor into his warmth under the covers.

 

“Why are you so good to me?” Victor pouted as he felt Yuuri warm him up with his touch.

 

Yuuri brushed his lips through Victor’s hairline.  “You have to ask, silly?”   His arms slipped around him, sliding up his back.  “My beautiful, sweet, Vitya...how much I love you!”

 

“I’m awful to you,” he stated pitifully.

 

Yuuri chuckled, his warmth vibrating down his body.  “And there will be times I’m awful to you.  I have to separate the man from the illness.  And I hope you do the same for me.”

 

“What if we are both in a bad place at the same time?”

 

Yuuri cocked his eyebrow thoughtfully.  “We’ll probably fight, to be honest.  We may even say some horrible things to each other.  But we always need to come back to this.  We always need to remember we are the other’s shelter.”

 

“I didn’t want to wake you today,” Victor breathed.  “I needed you but...you needed to rest.  I didn’t want to throw off your competition.”

 

“Vitya, it’s just a competition.  Yes, I worked hard for it.  But you always come first.”

 

“I come first…”

 

“Remember, I was willing to give up my career for you.”

 

“You were…”  Victor bit his lower lip before he added, “Don’t do that.  Please.  I need you to skate, Yuuri.  Without you on the ice, I don’t have any inspiration.”

 

“We’re going to figure this out, Vitya.  I promise.”

 

“I’m supposed to be holding you together,” he whined.

 

“We’ve talked about that...we hold each other together.  That’s the only way this is going to work.”

 

As Victor snuggled into Yuuri’s warmth, he felt sleepy with the emotional release.  “I’m sorry I didn’t wake you up.”

 

“We’re learning every day how to take better care of each other.  Rest, love.  We’ll talk more when we wake up.”  Yuuri remained awake carding his fingers through Victor’s hair until he was certain that Victor was asleep.  Then he allowed himself the luxury of sleep.

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri’s eyes bolted open at the sleepy movements of arousal by his partner.  “Vitya?”

 

Hands slid down him but he knew Victor wasn’t fully awake.  Yuuri felt the sleepy kisses.  After returning them, he responded once more, “Vitya?”

 

Victor’s eyes blinked open.  “Yuuri?  I was dreaming of you.”

 

“I...know.  I just...I prefer you awake when we make love,” he said cautiously.

 

Victor blinked and realized where his hands were on Yuuri’s ass kneading into the muscle.  “Oh...I guess...I was really into that dream.”

 

“Are you okay?” Yuuri asked gently.

 

Victor’s cheeks were pink.  “I think...I’m a little embarrassed.”

 

“Don’t be.  I just...would feel off if you weren’t fully aware of your decisions.  Like...you know...when they…”  Yuuri trailed off..

 

“When those others slept with you while you were drunk,” Victor finished.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Exactly like that.  You can’t consent if you’re asleep.”

 

Victor tightened his arms around him.  “I wouldn’t have gotten mad...especially since I started it.  But I see your point.”

 

“I always want clear consent between us.  Being together doesn’t mean consent is automatic.  We each have free will in this relationship.”

 

Victor leaned in to kiss him.  “Free will is sexy...I never want a puppet.  I want someone who feels like they can tell me  _ no _ ...and then doesn’t.  So much sexier.”

 

Yuuri returned his kiss.  “Agreed,” he murmured as their lips parted.  He tilted as Victor’s lips sought skin going down his chin, kisses finding their way towards Yuuri’s ear where he nibbled on the lobe.  Yuuri squeezed his shoulder up and giggled.  “That tickles!”

 

Victor chuckled.  “I love to hear your laugh.  It makes me warm inside like I’ve just stepped into the sunshine.”

 

“Vitya…”  Yuuri could feel the heat rising in him and wasn’t sure if it was blush or the things his lover’s hands were eliciting in him because he suddenly became aware that they were kneading into the globes of his ass again.  Yuuri rolled his hips and Victor gasped at the feeling of Yuuri against him.  “I want you.”

 

“I know,” Victor murmured, his teeth nipping along his partner’s collar bone.  “But no receiving.”  At Yuuri’s huff of complaint, he pointed out, “You’re skating.  I think that needs to be a firm rule.”

 

“Then we should take advantage of what time we have left with you not in competition.”

 

“I...have no argument against that,” Victor responded.

 

Yuuri reached for the lube.  “How is it that this is always within reach?”

 

Victor winked.  “I plan it that way, love.  And make it look like magic.”

 

Yuuri laughed and Victor smiled as he basked in the warmth of Yuuri’s mirth.  “Kiss me!” he demanded pulling Victor up to his lips and the older man willingly complied, dipping in to brush his lips once, twice, then settling in for a deep, demanding kiss, his tongue sweeping within as Yuuri moaned hungrily.  Yuuri then trailed the kiss away, lying Victor back and working down his body.

 

He hesitated at several of Victor’s favorite spots.  The pulsepoint on Victor’s neck where Yuuri sucked a mark into the pale skin... _ that will require makeup tomorrow _ .  The right nipple suckled in as Yuuri squeazed the left between two fingers.  Switching the treatment before moving down, teasing the ring of Victor’s belly button.  He kissed along Victor’s scarred hip bones.  The older man sighed.   _ Acceptance _ .  Yuuri took the opportunity to give him this every time he had the chance remembering the vulnerability he displayed the first time they made love, his fear of rejection, his relief that Yuuri accepted all of him.

 

He then settled between Victor’s legs, butterflied open for Yuuri’s attention.  Yuuri could feel Victor’s fingers tangling into his hair.  “Yuuri…” he whispered.  Yuuri flicked his eyes up before lowering his lips and teasing the head of his cock with his tongue, sucking and kissing the tip.  Yuuri stretched his mouth around Victor and continued to tease his length with his tongue as his hand reached for the lube.  He opened the cap without losing rhythm.  He poured some on his fingers and warmed it without missing a beat.

 

The gasp as his fingers traced down his lover’s perineum and circled the entrance was music to his ears.  The expletive that slipped out of Victor’s lips as his fingers slipped past the barrier caused a chuckle to vibrate through him which resulted in a moan that fed into the lusty symphony.  He came off of Victor’s dick and looked up at messed Russian with wicked eyes before dipping down to suck a mark on his inner thigh.  Yuuri’s name tumbled out of Victor’s lips along with a series of Russian endearments.  His second finger made its way into Victor and he started stretching him in earnest.  By the time the third finger was introduced, Victor was reduced to a babbling mess with the assault on his prostate as well as the sucking on his balls and kisses running down his length.  Then a mournful moan escaped from him as Yuuri pulled his fingers out.

 

“It’s okay, Vitya.  I’ve got you,” he assured him, moving up Victor’s body.

 

Victor blinked rapidly then reached for Yuuri.  “I need your kiss,” he whispered in a rush.

 

Yuuri leaned forward to meet him midway, tasting his tongue, feeling the scrape of his teeth, swallowing the lusty moan as he lined up and pushed past the barrier.  Victor’s head fell back, his eyes half-lidding, his lips parting.  Yuuri moved in a slow steady movement the way Victor liked.  As he seated himself within, he leaned forward to capture those lips once more and Victor came back to life beneath him.

 

Before Yuuri started to move again, the man beneath him began to squirm, lifted his hips to meet him, demanded Yuuri to attend him.  Yuuri chuckled and tweaked his nose.  “So impatient!”

 

“Yuuuuriiii…” he whined.

 

Then Yuuri was moving, building slowly with an easy rhythm before increasing tempo.  Victor’s moans and breathy sighs answered the slap of skin, the slide of friction.  Yuuri could feel the build in him.   He could see and hear Victor slowly tipping over the edge, his cock leaking on his belly, his mind losing focus, his language mixing as if he couldn’t hold to a particular register.  Then words Yuuri knew broke through.  “So close, Yuuri.  Please.”

 

Yuuri reached out his hand and began stroking Victor’s length.  It didn’t take long before a long whine filled the room and his release shook through his body.  Yuuri followed behind in a few more thrusts, his orgasm causing his eyes to close as he felt himself topple over the edge.  For a moment, he was free falling.  Then he fluttered his eyes open and realized he was in Victor’s embrace, his lover’s lips in his hair, soft words pulling him back.

 

“Damn,” Yuuri whispered.

 

“Same for me.  You always surprise me,” Victor responded in a hushed tone.

 

They remained clinging to one another for a while longer before they broke apart.  Victor gathered clean clothes while Yuuri ran a bath.  The larger tub was welcoming.  He looked up as Victor came into the room and smiled.  “Go ahead, Yuuri.  I want to sit between your legs.”  Yuuri moved into the tub and soon was guiding Victor into the space he made for the older man.  Victor relaxed instantly in his arms as Yuuri ran his hands up and down his shoulders and back.  “I love this part...after we make love...almost as much as the sex,” Victor confessed.

 

“I know...you respond so well to touch,” Yuuri murmured.

 

Victor sighed.  “I respond well to  _ your  _ touch, Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri blinked in surprise at that admission.  He always assumed the other men in Victor’s life, that at the very least Chris, could bring this out of Victor.  He lowered his lips and brushed them along Victor’s temple.  “I never want you to know another’s touch,” he whispered.  Victor’s breathing was easy and soft and Yuuri knew he was asleep.  Still, those words were out there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know many gets the blues around the holidays. I know I struggle through the winter months...I call them my blue days...but I have found that taking Vitamin D (as my doctor recommended after some blood tests) helps a great deal. So do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I hope my stories give some form of light to your world. That's one of my motivations.
> 
> Now, what's next...I do have several things in the works and I don't know which project I'm going to go with. I have an OtaYuri based on the Wallflowers song One Headlight. There is Lost and Found which I started with this one. However, I still haven't got it worked out. Spun off that idea, though, is a college AU that is fun and fluffy where Victor is clueless when it comes to life and Yuuri is clueless when it comes to relationships. Yuuri still skates, Victor retires and comes to America to work with Celestino...and as you and I both know, to chase after a boy he met at a banquet far away. So...that's what's up in the air. I may take a few weeks off at the end of this to iron things out. And I have several other YOI fanfics plotted out...so I could come back with something else entirely. I do know I want to do something just for fun without such serious plots.
> 
> And for those who are enjoying Glittering Youth...watch out for some side fics written by BluSkates and myself. Make sure you are subscribed to the group so you don't miss a thing. 
> 
> St. Petes is wrapping up as well...and I haven't plotted out part 4. I just know the premise. So you may be dependent on OneShots until that one comes together. 
> 
> So that's what's going on in the House of Den! Keep reading and keep talking to me. I love to hear from you all! And I do read your comments although I haven't responded as steadily. Thank you all very much for your words. I love how you become so involved in the lives of my characters that you want to beat them on their heads like that best friend that sets back and shakes her head at whatever trouble they are getting into. Happy reading, hugs and warm fuzzy blankets! (because baby, it's cold outside!)


	67. You Got Me (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor oversees Yuuri’s practice the next day. Once complete, they meet the coaches and Minako for lunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe this is wrapping up? Only three more chapters!
> 
> I want to thank Magrathea and BluSkates for editing and beta reading for me. You guys are the best!
> 
> So...let's do this!

* * *

 

 

[ You Got Me ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LASUAy2YRjI)

 

Yuuri, as was his nature, covered his head up as the alarm went off the next morning.  Victor brushed a kiss into the brown mop that still peeked out of the blankets, slipping from the warmth of his lover.  He set up the coffee pot and then reached into his luggage to dig out the higher quality of coffee he needed to start his mornings when it turned cold.  Once that was in process, he moved into the shower and allowed the warmth of the water to seep into his bones.  He was dressed and mulling over a cup of coffee when he spotted his partner stirring beneath the blankets.

 

Finally, Yuuri rose up on his hands and knees, poking his head out of the blankets and sniffing the air.  “You made coffee,” he murmured dreamily.  Turning to sit on the side of the bed, he found his hands holding a coffee mug.  Inhaling deeply, he smiled happily.  “You made _good_ coffee.”

 

Victor chuckled warmly.  “Well, I couldn’t have you start your day with any less.”  He watched Yuuri slowly come alive as the warmth from the mug’s contents filled him from within.  Victor pulled out the day’s schedule.  They had ice time scheduled for nine and then lunch with their coaches and Minako.  Victor had called for the meeting.  They had a lot to discuss and he wanted it settled before Yuuri’s short program.

 

At practice, Victor held Yuuri’s hands as the Japanese man stood at the barrier.  “I want you to try something new and listen to me for a change,” he stated, his forehead leaning against the brunette’s.  “Just warm up and get a feel for the ice.  Save the jumps for the competition.”

 

“But what if…” Yuuri began but Victor placed two fingers on his lips.

 

“Shhh...trust me.  You’re ready.  Just let yourself have it.”  Yuuri looked up at him with soft brown eyes that could melt him on any given day.  Victor smiled, leaning in to brush a kiss at the corner of his lips.  Backing up, he watched in satisfaction as Yuuri’s hand went up to the point of contact, resting on it as his eyes chased Victor.  “No jumps,” he reiterated.

 

Something amazing happened during that practice.  Yuuri listened to him.  As he noticed other skaters throw a few doubles to acclimate themselves to the sheet, he came in twice and tried to argue the point but Victor kept his voice calm, steady but firm.  Victor was having a good day, which was good, as he could see the anxiety building in Yuuri.  Part of that anxiety, though, could be tied to their uncertain future.

 

As Yuuri exited the ice, his cheeks were bloomed pink and his eyes were sparkling clear through successful exercise and run throughs.  Victor handed him a towel and water bottle.  “Get cleaned up, _lyubov moya._  I’ll be waiting for you.”  A gentle push towards the locker room, he watched Yuuri’s step steadily.   _Not too bad...just a little guidance needed to keep him on track so far._

 

* * *

  


Yuuri and Victor arrived at the restaurant with Minako.  The two coaches, already conversing over drinks as they waited, approached and Victor introduced Minako, watching the warmth pass between the ballet teacher and Yuuri’s old coach.  “Thank you all for meeting with us,” Victor said warmly.

 

They put in their orders before focusing on matters at hand.  Yuuri studied his hands and Victor could tell through the furtive glances of those brown eyes, that he was fighting his anxiety.  Victor could navigate them through these discussions, though, and Yuuri can add input as needed.

 

“So...Yuuri and I don’t want to separate,” Victor began.  “Not for training purposes for certain.”

 

“And I perform much better under Victor,” Yuuri added quietly.  “But Vitya should not have to give up skating for my sake!” he added with a rush.  Victor placed a calming hand over Yuuri’s.

 

“So...you both want to skate,” Yakov surmised.  They nodded and Yakov grunted.  “I have to admit, I’m surprised you are returning to the ice.  Can we all speak frankly?”

 

“Please do so,” Victor invited meeting all of their eyes.

 

“Your mental well-being is more important than the ice,” Yakov stated quietly.  “I’ve tried to help you over the years, but you’ve fought me consistently each time.  If you returned, will you leave your treatment behind?”

 

“N-no,” Victor stuttered unexpectedly.  “Yuuri won’t allow it...even though he loves me, it is his express requirement for us to be together.”

 

Yakov grunted disbelieving.  “I know your Yuuri loves you, Vitya.  I don’t know that he has the strength of spirit to walk out on you if he needs to, in order to make you see what you need.”

 

“No, I suppose not,” Yuuri stated in agreement.  He met Victor’s startled gaze and continued, “I’d walk away from the ice and focus on getting Victor the care he needs.”

 

Yakov studied him with grudging approval.  It was Celestino that poked at the next flaw.  “Coaching and skating both have their own pressures.  How do you plan to meet both of these needs?”

 

“That’s...what we’re trying to figure out.  Yuuri and I work well together but I’ve only ever skated under Yakov’s coaching and Yuuri, he’s had several coaches, both of you included,” he indicated to Celestino and Minako.

 

“He has, but we’ve not been able to help him keep it together nearly as well as you,” Celestino pointed out.  “So what happens if you have conflicting schedules?”

 

Victor sighed meeting Yuuri’s eyes who smiled encouragingly.  “We...need a stand in.  I’ll have Yakov, of course.  There’s no other coach for me...but Yuuri…”

 

“You propose to work under multiple coaches?” Celestino asked with surprise.

 

“I propose that you make Victor your assistant,” Yuuri suggested quietly.  “That way he can be with me when possible and then you can be with me when it’s not possible.  You know my mental health needs.  It’s...the perfect solution.  You worked with Phichit in this manner over the last season while he’s been in Thailand.”

 

Celestino frowned as he thought through the logistics.  “The assistant that worked with Phichit was dedicated to his training.  She didn’t have conflicting schedule.  What if we can’t both be there?”

 

Victor’s eyes fell on Minako and asked her formally, “Will you stand in for me if all else fails, our back up plan to our back up plan?”

 

Minako’s mouth parted in surprise.  “I mean...I’ve traveled to Yuuri’s events in the past.”

 

“You’ve assisted in several of my choreographies,” Yuuri added.  “You created the program that took me to the Final last year.  It wouldn’t be...outlandish for you to have credentials.”

 

“I’d have to...find someone to watch the bar,” she said to herself.  “Of course, the studio is easy.  One of the senior girls could take over or I can close down for a few days.  Not that there is a lot of lessons being given of late.”

 

“Is that a yes, Minako-sensei?” Yuuri prodded gently.

 

She met his eyes and smiled.  “Yes, of course!  I’d love to help out.  I’ll...be a part of your team.”

 

Victor laughed warmly.  “Good, because we especially need you with Nationals.  Russia and Japan invariably overlap.”

 

“Oh, that’s soon.  But I can do that.  Yes...I’ll plan on it.”

 

Victor turned to meet Yakov’s eyes and asked, “Do you foresee any other difficulties?”

 

The older man frowned as he considered what Victor is taking on.  “I worry that the stress will set you back in your recovery from your depression.”

 

Victor frowned as he chose his words carefully.  “There is no recovery, Yakov.  I can’t be cured much like how Yuuri can’t be cured from anxiety.  I can learn to take better care of myself.  I can learn strategies that will help me to cope with my symptoms, my lower periods.  I can take medications with careful monitoring that will help provide balance.  However, I will always have depression.  I will always have times where I have suicidal ideations.  And Yuuri and I know we will clash during my treatment and his.  It’s a challenge, I know.  But...Yuuri says I shouldn’t give up what I love to depression.  And...after some thought, I agree with him.  I just need to know that I have your support.”

 

Yakov grunted.  “Well, of course you have my support.  I would never withdraw my support.  You’ve always had it.  Can you handle the pressure of both coaching Yuuri and your own skating?”

 

Victor frowned as he looked inwardly and he could feel the doubt building within him...until he felt Yuuri’s hand on his.  He looked over to meet Yuuri’s eyes with encouragement.  “Yuuri doesn’t require me to hold his hand to skate,” he began.  “It’s been a collaboration, a mentorship, all along.  Yuuri has the talent and skill...and we drive one another forward.  I think...I couldn’t handle the pressure of skating without Yuuri present.  In fact, evidence speaks to the contrary.”

 

Yakov pulled at the loose skin along his jawline deepening his frown as he considered Victor’s words.  “If you are determined to do this, then you must return to St. Petersburg.  Yuuri will practice at our rink and…”  He studied the Japanese man next to Victor thoughtfully.  “...he will have the support of rink services.  I’ve not taken on a non-Russian before at my rink, but if you are in my rink, you have to accept my criticism.”

 

Yuuri’s eyes widened as he realized Yakov was offering to help coach him.  “Yes, sir!  Of course, sir!”

 

“You’ll have several people in charge of you,” Yakov stated.  “I do recognize that Victor is your coach first and foremost but on my ice, I’m king.  Do you understand me?”

 

“Yes, sir!”

 

“And...I expect you to report to me directly…” he motioned toward Victor with a nod, “...if he starts slipping in his self care, if we are not meeting his needs, if he’s refusing to get help.  Am I understood?”

 

Yuuri smirked towards Victor.  “I will be happy to tag team with you and to bully him back in line.”

 

Victor rolled his eyes and collapsed back into his chair...dramatically, of course.

 

“I see we understand each other,” Yakov stated.  “This...will be an interesting experiment.  Now, Vitya, I leave it to you to tell Yura.”

 

Victor’s eyes widened.  “Wait!  So it’s a yes from all of you?”

 

Celestino snorted.  Minako chuckled warmly.  And Yakov grunted.  Finally, the Italian coach responded, “Of course, it’s a yes.  It will be an interesting season.  I _do_ expect to see video on _my_ student, _Assistant_ Coach Nikiforov.”

 

Victor grinned.  “Of course, Ciao Ciao.”  Turning to Yuuri, he grasped his partner’s hands excitedly.  “I can’t believe it!  Yuuri, we can do this!”

 

“I knew we could...with help.”  Yuuri’s eyes twinkled beneath his dark lashes.  Turning back to the others, he bowed respectfully.  “Thank you all.  We both greatly appreciate your support.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some things I want to say...
> 
> Victor will always struggle with depression. However, he's learned better ways to take care of himself and he's learned to use his support system. These are major steps for him. And these were necessary for him to move forward in his relationship with Yuuri.


	68. Deciphering Me (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After leaving the coaches, they walk along the Christmas market as they talk about their future. Yuuri wants something...to solidify it. A promise...a symbol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters left! This was supposed to post yesterday but the benedryl put me into a stupor and I fell asleep after my workout. So there you have it. 
> 
> So many thanks to both Magrathea and BluSkates for these edits. Although now I'm resorting to bribing them with chapters of Glittering Youth ;) I have my tricksy ways!

* * *

 

[ Deciphering Me ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsuPCGmAP3I)

 

 

Yuuri couldn’t believe how easily it worked out, his fingers tangling into Victor’s hand, his excitement about their future buzzing through his skin.  “Let’s go sightseeing,” he suggested.

 

Victor chuckled warmly.  “Are you sure you don’t want to rest?”

 

“I can’t sit still...my thoughts are going all over the place,” he declared and then seeing the worry crossing Victor’s face, he stepped into the other man’s space.  “It’s a good feeling.  I’m not scared...I just want to be with you.  Let’s walk...and talk about our future.”

 

Victor leaned in to kiss the younger man’s lips.  “I’d like that, Yuuri.  Because my entire future is tied to you.”

 

Yuuri smiled into that kiss, feeling the warmth of Victor wrap around him.  Victor licked at his teeth and Yuuri had to remind himself they were in public because he was sinking fast.

 

They shopped and picked out gifts for family and friends back home.  Victor stopped at one point looking sad.  “What is it?” Yuuri asked, his voice full of concern.

 

“I won’t be going back with you.  To Hasetsu.”

 

Yuuri’s expression softened in tenderness.  “Not this time...but you will.  It’s time, Vitya.”

 

“What if I fail?” he murmured.  “I took so much time off.”

 

“You haven’t been competing but you and I both know you haven’t been sitting on your ass.  You’re on the ice every day...and I know you’ve worked out a few programs.”

 

Victor smiled sheepishly, “Maybe…”

 

“I know you needed this...as much as I needed it.  But it’s time for you to go back.”

 

“I’m afraid...I can’t keep it together.”  Yuuri could hear the worry in the man’s voice, the fear that he would slip into the old habits again.

 

Putting a warm hand on Victor’s arm he reassured, “Just keep talking...talking to me, to Yakov, to Chris…”

 

“You’re going to be so far away…”

 

“They have these really cool inventions...called a cell phone.  That’s just one of the ways we can keep talking.”

 

Victor bumped his forehead lightly against Yuuri’s.  “Dork.”  His voice was soft, though.

 

“Drama queen,” Yuuri returned equally soft, smoothing Victor’s hair behind his ear.

 

Victor sighed, brushed a kiss on the tip of Yuuri’s nose before parting and winding his fingers back through Yuuri.  “So what exactly are we looking for?”

 

“I’m not sure?  I’ll know when I see it.  At least we’ve gotten the Omiyage pretty much taken care of.”

 

However, the evening shadows started to lengthen and as Yuuri’s search kept coming up with nothing his frustration began to turn into anxiety.  Victor tried to pull him out of it.  “We can come back tomorrow.  Let you thoughts rest.”

 

“You know that’s not how it works,” Yuuri stated harshly.  Victor winced and Yuuri instantly regretted it.  “I’ll end up awake all night trying to figure it out.”

 

“Let’s sit down a minute,” Victor suggested.  They found a bench and sat next to each other.  As Yuuri leaned forward, he felt Victor’s hand sliding up and down his back in a soothing motion.

 

“I just...want the next few days to be perfect,” Yuuri murmured in frustration, staring at the space between his hands.

 

Victor kissed his shoulder then rested his cheek against it, his arm sliding around Yuuri.  “I don’t need perfect.  I spent my life chasing perfect and guess what?”  Yuuri turned to look at him with a questioning gaze.  “It left me empty and lonely.  I love the sweet imperfection of my life with you.  I love the surprises that are Yuuri Katsuki.”

 

Yuuri blinked and then blinked again.  Then he sniffed.  “Vitya…”

 

“I’m sorry!  I didn’t mean to make you cry!”  The alarm was apparent in Victor’s voice right up until Yuuri wrapped his arms around Victor and buried himself into the crook of Victor’s neck.  The older man wrapped his arms around him, sliding his hands up and down Yuuri’s back.

 

Finally, Yuuri drew himself upright.  “Let’s keep looking...for a little while longer.”

 

“Of course,” Victor answered indulgently.  “Besides, the Christmas lights are coming on.  Isn’t it lovely?”

 

Yuuri smiled softly, the lights reflecting off of his glasses.  He reached out and took Victor’s hand as they continued to walk.  Victor’s eyes on Yuuri...Yuuri’s eyes searching...for something.

 

“I think…” Yuuri began drawing still.  He spotted the jewelry store and something inside him clicked.  “I want to go in that store!”

 

Victor looked surprised but went along with Yuuri, their hands held tight to one another.  Yuuri walked through the door, his eyes glancing over the jewelry cases until his eyes landed on them.   _ A ring!  It was perfect!   _ Yuuri went to the counter and let his eyes flick through until they rested on the gold bands.  “That one,” he insisted.  Pulling Victor up next to him, he added, “For him.  Your hand, sweetheart.”

 

Victor’s hand trembled as the jeweler sized his finger and made note of the ring in the case.  “Anything else, sir?”

 

Yuuri took a small paper and wrote some words on it.  “Please engrave this on the inside.”

 

The jeweler read the note and nodded moving to the back to work.

 

“Yuuriii…”  Victor was shaken up as he looked from the jewelry case to his partner.

 

“Let me do this, Vitya,” Yuuri murmured quietly.

 

The jeweler came back and let Yuuri study the ring.  The Japanese man nodded in approval, offering his credit card and arranging to pay in installments.  There was nothing extraordinary about the ring...good quality but plain, gold.  But...then again, that was how Yuuri saw himself.  It took Victor to pick out the extraordinary in him.

 

The ring in hand, he put it into his pocket and they left the store hand-in-hand.  “Yuuriii…” Victor began once more.

 

“Just a little longer, Vitya,” Yuuri declared.  His eyes were once more searching, pulling Victor along with an eagerness that never failed to enthrall the Russian.  Then Yuuri’s eyes brightened and tugged Victor’s hand...down the street and up the steps.

 

The cathedral was beautiful, stained glass lit up and reflecting the Christmas lights in the courtyard below.  From within, the choir could be heard practicing for the coming Christmas festivities.  It was romantic but more...it felt pure, like that moment of clarity when one knows their life is about to change.

 

Yuuri turned towards him, facing Victor, his courage starting to fail him.  The words he practiced in his head all the way to these steps disappeared from his lips.  “Vitya...I don’t know what to say...you’ve...become my world.  And...I wanted something...a symbol...a promise...to tie us together during this separation.”

 

“Yuuri…”

 

Yuuri looked up and met those blue eyes, his own hands trembling, his voice failing him quickly.  “I just...want to...thank you…”  he stumbled out.  He reached out and pulled at the leather glove freeing the hand that it covered.  Right.  Fingers long and well manicured.  Pale skin catching the sparkle of the lights.  Yuuri took a deep breath and slid the ring on his finger, brushing the surface and Victor’s fingers with his thumb.

 

“Oh, my Yuuri…” Victor murmured, his hand going up to slide those fingers chilled by the winter air down Yuuri’s cheek.  He chuckled quietly.  “Great minds think alike.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Well, I...picked this out earlier,” Victor breathed, pulling a ring from his pocket.  Yuuri’s eyes widened.  “Something...to hold us together.  I think we needed the same thing.”

 

“Vitya…”

 

“Hush, you...my turn,” Victor teased, brushing a finger across the brunette’s lips.  “For the longest time, I was lost inside myself.  I didn’t think I’d ever find my way out of the darkness.  And then you became my beacon.  You guided me through the storms of my mind.”

 

“I only showed you where to find help.”

 

“You did so much more.  Without you, I would not have found the motivation.  Do not discount all that you’ve done for me.  And what’s more, you’ve helped me to accept myself.  I want to also say...thank you.”  Victor slid the ring onto Yuuri’s finger, and Yuuri could barely keep his hand from trembling, taking a quick intake of breath when it stuck momentarily on the second knuckle before settling into position.  Yuuri brought it to his lips and kissed it and Victor reflected the action.

 

They were wrapped in one another’s arms, Yuuri’s cheek on Victor’s shoulder as they rocked back and forth to a song only they heard when their phones each vibrated.  They stepped back and pulled them up.  Yuuri quirked his lips.  “Phichit!”  Victor laughed and showed his, “Chris!  They want us to meet them at a restaurant for dinner.”

 

“Why not?”

 

They walked down the street hand in hand, Yuuri leaning into Victor’s space not wanting to be away from him any more than necessary.

 

“What did you write on the note?”

 

“You can read it...when you’re alone.  Because you’re going to get all sappy on me.”

 

“Yuuuriiiii…”

 

Yuuri just chuckled pulling him along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a balancing act between working, writing, and now forcing myself to be physical and exercise. Because all I want to do is write...all the stories rattling around in my head. ;) I hope you enjoyed this interpretation of the ring scene. I know there have been many. And if you haven't read my other stuff, please do so. I've put so many words on the screen over the last year.


	69. Falling For You (Victor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this second to the last chapter, we have the short program and some surrounding drama. ;) It's not what you think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I plan to post the last on Friday. I waited a day because I wanted to make sure it was right. Finishing up a story takes extra care.
> 
> Thank you so much, BluSkates and Magrathea! We love this story so much and hope you appreciate the way that I chose to conclude it.

* * *

 

[ Falling For You ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qMWcdqVljc)

 

Victor considered the man beside him wearing his ring.  Yuuri stumbled through those words, but he knew what they meant.  Victor...he meant them, too.  He had his own words planned out originally but when Yuuri initiated the moment, he tried to match Yuuri’s words.  Something about the simplicity of their declarations against the backdrop of the ornate cathedral...he wouldn’t change that moment for anything.

 

They arrived at the diner and Victor opened the door to usher in his lover, his...fiance?  That’s how Victor read the moment.  They were greeted by Phichit and Chris...and Lawrence.  Interesting.

 

“It’s about time you arrived!” Chris declared drawing Victor close.  Victor smiled and allowed himself to be led towards a table, his fingers still tangled into Yuuri’s.  “So, you remember Lawrie.”

 

“Hi, Lawrie.  I don’t believe we’ve met.  I’m Yuuri,” the Japanese man stepped forward.

 

The older man smiled warmly.  “It’s a pleasure to meet the man who has found a way to settle this man’s heart,” he responded with a nod towards Victor.

 

“Oh...well…”  Yuuri blushed knowing there had been struggles along the way.  Victor looped his hand into Yuuri’s elbow.  Phichit started getting excited and jumping up and down.

 

“Guys!  Guys!”  He pointed then fanned himself.  “Did you...did you both...get married?”

 

Yuuri’s eyes widened in surprise.  “No!  What do you…”

 

Phichit pointed excitedly at Victor’s hand and Yuuri glanced down at the same time as Victor.  Chris raised an eyebrow lazily in question.  It was Victor that provided the explanation.  “Oh...no no no,” he began.  Yuuri seemed to relax until Victor added, “We’re engaged!”  Victor’s gaze dropped on his...fiance? as he lifted Yuuri’s hand to show the matching ring.    _ Yuuri shouldn’t be looking so surprised by that declaration. _  Yuuri was watching him with wide eyes but didn’t protest verbally.  _  I’ll fix this later. _

 

Chris surged forward with Lawrie to study the ring and then Phichit came to look at Yuuri’s.  The Japanese man squirmed under the attention.  Victor slipped an arm around his shoulder and pulled him into the shelter of his shoulder.  Leaning his cheek against Yuuri’s soft hair, he brushed a kiss against his temple.  “You okay?” he whispered.

 

“I’m not good as the center of attention,” Yuuri reminded him.

 

“Don’t worry,” Victor reassured him.  “I’ll take care of you.”  Victor then redirected everyone to the meal.  After their order was placed, he asked the other three, “What are your plans while in Barcelona?”

 

“I spent the day sightseeing,” Phichit began.  “Then I ran into Chris and Lawrie.”   _ What I’d give to be a fly on the wall during that meeting, _ Victor thought as he leaned his cheek into Yuuri.  Phichit continued with, “We went down to the Christmas market to explore.”

 

“Odd we didn’t bump into one another,” Victor observed.  “Yuuri and I were also exploring the markets.”

 

Phichit shrugged.  “It was rather crowded when we were there.  Easy to get lost.”

 

Victor smiled as he thought back.  He didn’t notice the crowds.   _ Just Yuuri _ .  He glanced up to see a similar exchange between Lawrie and Chris.  It made Victor wonder about Phichit.  He didn’t want the Thai boy hurt in their games.

 

As they wrapped up their meal, Victor felt his energy slipping away.  Yuuri must’ve noticed as well because he slipped an arm around the Russian’s waist.  “I think I need to get him back to our room.  It’s been a long day.”

 

“We can all walk back together,” Chris suggested.  He wound his fingers into Lawrie’s and casually draped an arm around Phichit.  Victor exchanged a worried glance with Yuuri.

 

The walk back was filled with small talk.  Chris’ teasing voice was not limited to Phichit and Lawrie but tugged at both Victor and Yuuri.  Victor could see the stiffening in Lawrie’s chin and the strain on his forced smile by the time they returned to their hotel.  Leaning towards Yuuri, he murmured, “I’m going to slip into the public restroom.”

 

“Our room is just…”

 

Victor stopped him with a look, “I need to see what’s going on with Chris.  Why don’t you follow Phichit up?”

 

Yuuri picked up on the hint and looped an arm in Phichit’s.  “I wanted to talk to you about something.  Can we go up to your room?”

 

“What about Victor?” Phichit asked confused but followed along as Yuuri tugged at him.

 

Yuuri smiled and winked his direction.  “It’s about Victor.  Come on.”

 

Phichit’s eyes widened and nodded.  “Of course!”

 

They ran ahead.  Victor made a show of asking Chris’ advice.  Lawrie rolled his eyes and said he’d meet Chris in their room.  Alone in the bathroom, Chris leaned against the counter.  “Sooo, what the fuck’s going on?”

 

Victor braced himself against the bank of sinks, “That’s my question.  Are you screwing with Phichit?”

 

Chris regarded himself in the mirror, “I don’t think...that’s any of your business.”

 

“I thought you got everything sorted with Lawrie but he’s obviously not okay with how you’re behaving tonight.”  Victor searched the beautiful, tanned face, but the hazel eyes refused to meet his.

 

Chris huffed.  “He’s been so busy with everything, I didn’t think he’d care.  Then all of the sudden he’s coming to the Final with me.  Phichit and I had plans.”

 

Victor raised an eyebrow.  “Do you  _ want  _ to screw it up with Lawrie?  I thought that was my specialty.”

 

Chris shrugged.  “We’ve been fighting...we’ve even called off the wedding twice.”

 

“What’s the problem?”  Victor softened his voice, hoping the man would open to him.

 

Chris dropped his eyes from his image, staring into the water racing down the sink as he played with the automatic faucet.  “Ever since the exclusive card was played, that’s all he wants.  And I’m not dealing well with it.”

 

“You can’t waffle on it.  Either you are exclusive or you’re not.  I don’t want to see good friends hurt out of the deal, Chris.”  He stepped closer and put a hand on Chris’ shoulder before adding, “Yourself included.  You’ve always been there for me.”

 

“I know...it’s just...now things are different.”  He turned to face Victor, and the Russian man saw the real loneliness, “You don’t need me.  You have Yuuri.  And...here I am.”  He spread his arms wide.

 

Victor took a step back, “You and I were already broken up.  You were with Lawrie.  I can’t do anything other than exclusive.  I know this about myself.  And...I want Yuuri.”

 

Chris softened, he wanted to close the distance but understood his friend’s confusion, “I know that.  And he’s good for you.  I just...don’t know if I’m good for Lawrie.”

 

“What’s going on?”  Victor settled his hip against the sink, relaxing into his stance.

 

“He’s been real distant.  I thought...a little jealousy...push him over the edge…”

 

“Chris!  That’s ameteur stuff!  You’re better than that!”  Victor couldn’t hide the disappointment in his voice.  “What are you to Phichit in all of this?”

 

“We’re just friends.  Phichit’s a flirty friend.  But...he did tell me earlier he didn’t want to get in the middle of whatever is going on between me and Lawrie.”

 

“I think you should respect that.  He’s respecting you.  I’d never fuck you if you were fighting with Lawrie.  It makes me feel used.”

 

Chris rubbed his hands over his face.  “I know.  I’ve been a shitty friend.”

 

“Talk to Lawrie.  Get that sorted out for better or worse.  And clear your head and heart before you move forward.”   Victor thinned his lips.  “I’d hate to see it affect your skating.”

 

Chris lowered his chin but agreed.  “Are we okay?”

 

Victor smiled pulling him into a hug.  “Always!  You’re my best friend.  That’s why I can call you on your shit.”  He met Chris’ forehead and added, “You’ve always called me on mine.”

 

“Very true.”

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Yuuri walked into their room and found his fiance sitting in the dark on the bed.  He immediately came to his side perching himself next to him.  “Are you okay?”

 

“I...don’t know?  I mean I should be.”  He felt Yuuri’s thumb rubbing comforting circles on his hand while he waited.  “Did I...assume too much with the rings?”

 

Yuuri dropped his chin as he considered the words then shook his head slowly.  “No...I don’t think I was ready to share it.  I wasn’t sure...my message was clear.  I didn’t come right out and ask.  I thought...hoped...that you would understand.  But when you said it out loud, I felt all of these anxieties hit me.  The main thought...I’m not good enough for you.”

 

“Oh my Yuuri...you are too good for me.  I never thought to find someone who loves me like you.”

 

Yuuri sighed, leaning forward to brush their lips together.  Snuggling under his chin relaxing in Victor’s arms, he whispered softly, “I had rehearsed the words all the way up the steps but then...they left me when it was time.  I felt awkward and I wanted it to be perfect.”

 

“I think it was perfect for us...I know you don’t always have the right words, Yuuri.  That’s part of who you are.  And I love you just as you are.”  Victor brushed a kiss into his hair.  “You are my favorite ball of anxiety.”

 

Yuuri chuckled at that.  Then that mixed with a sob and he was crying.  “Victooor!”

 

Victor started to panic.  “You know I suck at tears!”

 

Yuuri waved at his face with his hand.  “I know!  I can’t help it!  You made me cry!” Yuuri was still laughing in the middle of his tears.

 

Victor frowned uncertainly.  “I’m sorry?”

 

“No, you idiot!  It’s okay.  I’m happy.  Just overwhelmed.”  He snuggled under Victor’s chin once more and changed the topic after he composed himself.  “Is Chris okay?”

 

Victor sighed.  “I don’t know.  Things are all over the place with Lawrie.  I just...don’t want Phichit hurt in the process.”

 

Yuuri nodded, his ear against Victor’s chest.  “I talked to Phichit about it.  He says he’s not touching that...not again.  He’s not upset with Chris, but he didn’t like how he felt after they hooked up in China.”

 

“Chris isn’t a bad guy...he just…”

 

“I know,” Yuuri murmured.  “He doesn’t have you to take care of anymore.  He doesn’t know what to do with his heart.”

 

“Yuuri,” Victor breathed out.

 

“I know he loves you.  Enough to let you go.  But that doesn’t mean he’s healed from that.”

 

“But Lawrie…”

 

“Not the same.  I’m sure Lawrie is feeling that rebound as well.  It seemed like they rushed into exclusivity after...you and I.”

 

“Oh…” Victor released.

 

“Exactly.  Give him time.  It will work out the way it’s meant to be.”

 

Victor was quiet as he carded his fingers through Yuuri’s hair.  Finally he said in a low voice, “We would have never worked out.  He would never offer me an exclusive relationship but even then...we weren’t meant to be other than friends.”

 

“I get it.  I don’t want to share you, though.  I hope we’re clear on that.”

 

Victor tightened his arms around Yuuri.  “Very clear.  I don’t want to share you, either.”  He heard Yuuri sigh and snuggle in.  “About your program tomorrow…”

 

“I’m putting it in...it’s the only way I stand a chance against JJ,” Yuuri insisted.

 

Victor sighed.  Smoothing out Yuuri’s hair, he shifted into a more comfortable position.  “We should sleep.  You skate tomorrow.”

 

“Mmmmhmm,” was all he received in return.

 

* * *

  
  


**Grand Prix Final, Barcelona, Spain - Short Program**

 

Yuuri stood nervously in front of Victor at the boards.  “What if it’s like next year?  What if I fail?”

 

Victor lifted Yuuri’s fingers and brushed his lips over the ring.  “Oh, my Yuuri...you didn’t fail.  At worst, you finished sixth in the world.  At best...we found each other.”

 

Yuuri closed his eyes and drew a shaky breath.  “Okay, I can do this.”  He skated across the ice and circled to face Victor.  Taking his position, he caught Victor’s eye.  Victor brought his ring up and kissed it.  Yuuri mirrored the action, something they agreed upon earlier.  As the announcer quieted, the opening notes of the music teased out to the audience.  Yuuri threw a flirty kiss as he kicked off on his skates.

 

The technical demand for the program was high, mirroring the energy of the crowd.  Victor watched Yuuri move through the movements, nailing most of his jumps.  However, he had a shaky landing on an early jump, he could mathematically make up for it and more if he nailed the quad flip, gaining the additional 10% increase as it was well after the halfway mark.  Victor watched the jump and could feel himself leaping up to mimic the jump on the sidelines as if his movement would help.  Except it didn’t.  Yuuri touched down on the landing, lowering the GOE.  Victor gasped, worried about how this would affect him in the free skate.  He watched Yuuri close out the program, hold his final pose to the last note, then falter on the ice, his distress obvious in his lines.

 

The coach/lover/friend in Victor hurried over to greet Yuuri off the ice.  He grabbed hold of Victor’s arm, leaning heavily on him.  Victor’s hand automatically went up to cover it, patting his hand reassuringly as he guided him over to the seat.  They waited for the scores.

 

**98.09**

 

Yuuri was visibly upset, but Victor thought back to a year ago.  Yuuri’s scores had improved more than fifteen points over last year’s score.  Granted, this was below his current top score by over eleven points, but Victor couldn’t help but smile at the vast improvement of this season.  And it was only beginning.

 

Helping Yuuri up, he guided him away from the crowds and into a quiet place.  In the privacy of the small room, Victor reached up and brushed away Yuuri’s tears.  “I’m proud of you,” he murmured.

 

Yuuri’s dismay was evident in his passionate voice, “I failed!  How can you…”

 

Victor touched Yuuri’s lips with his fingers to quiet him.  “I’m proud of you.  You faced your fear and came back.”

 

“I...came back,” Yuuri whispered.

 

Victor nodded.  “And you performed a beautiful story...for me...for them.  You should be proud.”

 

“But the flip…”

 

“Was courageous.  I would never have attempted that jump.  Not with as much as you’ve struggled with it in practice.  You chose to take that chance.  You were...you  _ are  _ courageous.”

 

Yuuri sniffed back.  Victor handed him a tissue and he blew his nose immediately taking another.  “I...think I’ll be okay.  I should go out and watch what’s left of Phichit’s program.”

 

Victor held out his hand and guided him back out.  The press started surrounding them sniffing out a story.  “Mr. Katsuki, what are you feeling right now?”  “Mr. Katsuki, what’s the significance of the rings?”  “Mr. Kastuki, what are your chances at winning at this point?”

 

Victor wrapped a protective arm around Yuuri and gave the press his most winning smile.  “Yuuri and I will talk with you at the conclusion of the program.  For now, we wish to enjoy the performances of our fellow skaters.”  He guided Yuuri away from the press and they found a place to sit in a section reserved for skaters, coaches, and ISU officials.  Phichit was smiling confidently as he continued to skate to  _ Shall We Skate? _

 

Yuri Plisetsky was next.  Victor leaned forward in interest.  He had a stake in this program.  Yuuri’s hand smoothed up and down his back and he glanced back with a smile.  “I want him to do well.”

 

“We both do...one of us needs to dethrone the self-proclaimed king.”

 

They focused on the blonde’s skate.  Yuri pushed his program to his limits, raising his arm to increase the difficulty in his jumps.  As little Yuri collapsed to his knees at the end of his program gasping for breath, the older Yuuri murmured, “He pushed that program beyond himself.”

 

“I know...did you calculate his score?”

 

Yuuri glanced towards Victor and the older man could see the worry.  He knew.  Just as Victor knew.  It was confirmed within minutes.  The fifteen-year-old just broke his world record.  “How are you?” Yuuri asked softly.

 

Victor had to think about it for a moment.  “I’m proud of him.  And there’s a little bit of pride knowing that I choreographed that program.”

 

“But?”

 

“I know records are made to be broken.  I’d expect each and every competitor to do so.  I just...didn’t expect I would be so easily replaced.”

 

“He replaced your numbers, nothing will replace you.  You’ll come back,” Yuuri reassured him.

 

Victor sighed, his eyes staring at the youth in Kiss and Cry.   _ Will I? _

 

The next three skaters were a blur.  Chris ended up in third behind Otabek.  JJ somehow blew his program dropping to last.  That put Yuuri in fourth and Phichit not far behind him in fifth.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Victor woke up feeling the melancholia clenching at his heart.  He drew a shaky breath.  Rolling over, he brushed a kiss into Yuuri’s hair and received a grumble in response.  Victor felt a trace of a smile.  “I’m going for a walk, okay?”

 

Yuuri pulled the blanket back and looked up at him, his eyes concerned.  “Are you okay?”

 

He nodded.  It was a lie and he didn’t think a very convincing one with the doubt he received from his lover.  He thinned his lips.  “Just...feeling a little displaced.  I’ll settle.  Please don’t worry.”

 

“I can walk with you.”

 

“And make me the cause of disturbing your beauty sleep?”  He smoothed back Yuuri’s hair and kissed his forehead.  “Don’t worry, Yuuri.  I’ll be okay.  I just need...some time to myself.  Sleep, my prince.”

 

Yuuri rolled his eyes.  “I’m not Georgi,” he pouted.

 

“It’s a good thing.  He’s straight.  It’d never work out,” Victor teased softly.  Yuuri gave him a gentle shove and he walked away feeling a little lighter than a moment before.  Reaching for Yuuri’s peacoat and scarf, he took the scent of his lover with him.

 

His walk carried him to the piers where he could hear the gulls making their call.  He thought of his two homes.  It would be hard to leave Hasetsu after becoming a part of Yuuri’s family.  He wondered how Yuuri did it for five years...and he marveled that Yuuri was willing to do it again...to be with Victor.  He lifted his cup to his lips to feel the warmth of the coffee.

 

A sharp kick into his back followed by several in quick succession announced Yuri’s presence.  Thankfully he didn’t spill his coffee on himself.  Turning, he forced a smile.  “Yura!”

 

“Loser!  You’re washed up!  I’m glad you left skating!  You’re just an old man!”

 

“Is that so?  And here I thought you’d be happy to see me return?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I’m coming with you and Yakov back to St. Petersburg after the Final.”

 

The blonde narrowed his green eyes.  “What do you mean?  Are you leaving Katsudon?”

 

Victor chuckled.  “No, not at all.  Yuuri is coming with me.  Yakov’s agreed to let him on his ice.”

 

The blonde’s lips parted in surprise.  Stiffening his jaw he lifted his chin.  “You might as well quit!”

 

“To make it easy on you?” Victor returned, his voice steeley.

 

Yuri hissed.  “As if!”  Victor laughed as the blonde stomped off.   _ Still very much a child.  But a child that broke my record. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more...and I have a three day weekend to plot out and plan a new story.


	70. Hallelujah (Yuuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hope you love this conclusion as much as I!

* * *

 

[ Hallelujah ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqObhqmJnvs) (Yuuri)

 

Yuuri wrinkled his nose as the smell in the room became pervasive pulling him from his sleep.  He glared at the offending object.  Victor left the coffee pot on and the dregs had cooked into the carafe.  Yuuri huffed as he rolled out of bed.  Glancing at the time, he saw that Victor had been gone over an hour.  He turned off the pot and removed the carafe, setting it out in the hall until he’d showered.  The shower was quick and steaming as Yuuri shook off the last of the hold sleep had on him.

 

Dressed in training gear, he pulled on his shoes and headed out the door.  Dropping the coffee pot at the maids’ station with a note of apology, he took the elevator downstairs.  Their room still smelled of the morning’s damage.  As he approached the hotel diner, he spotted Chris which brought to mind the previous night’s conversation with Phichit.

 

In the privacy of Phichit’s room last night, Yuuri took a long moment to study his friend before asking, “Are you okay?”

 

Phichit’s smile faltered before he pulled it back into place.  “Of course!  Why wouldn’t I be?”

 

“There’s some tension between you and Chris and Lawrie.”

 

Phichit squirmed.  “Well, I did sleep with Chris.”

 

“I know...that’s why I’m asking.  Are you okay?”

 

The Thai man dropped his chin.  “It hurt.  Okay?  I felt...used.  And I don’t understand why he would put me in that position.”

 

“It happened after we met up in China.  After he saw me with Victor.”  Yuuri paused to let the implication sink in.  Phichit’s normal sharpness when it come to relationships, however, was dulled by his own pain.  “Chris has loved Victor or been in love with Victor as long as I have.  I think he didn’t realize how this would affect him.”

 

Phichit shook his head, confused by what his friend was telling him, “But he and I...we worked together to try to get you two together.”

 

Yuuri shrugged and sat down across from his friend, “I know...and I don’t think he regrets that.  He loves Victor enough to know that they will never work out.  Enough to want what’s best for Victor.  But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t hurt just the same.  That doesn’t mean he doesn’t mourn the loss of him.”

 

“But they were...just friends…”

 

“You know the rumors.  They were more than friends.  Even when they broke up, it was known that they hooked up at events.  Something kept those two clinging to one another.  And Chris has looked out for Victor for a long time.”

 

“I guess...it probably left an empty space inside of him,” Phichit conceded thoughtfully.

 

“It doesn’t excuse his behavior...but perhaps it explains it?” Yuuri suggested.

 

Phichit nodded.  “It makes me feel less...hurt.”  He dropped his chin.  “It did hurt, Yuuri.”  The Japanese man held his friend for a while, his cheek resting on that other’s smooth black hair before Phichit felt ready to let him go.  “Is that why you came up to talk to me?

 

“I could tell something was off.  You seemed uncomfortable like something wasn’t quite right.”

 

Phichit smirked, “And I thought I hid it so well.”

 

Now, Yuuri’s eyes rested on Chris on the other side of the diner.  He couldn’t be angry, not even for Phichit’s sake.  He could see the unsettled state Chris was in.  His struggle was visible just under the surface.  He knew Victor had spoken to him, but perhaps he was too close.  With a cup of coffee in hand, he approached the Swiss man.  “Join me for a few minutes?”

 

“I’m surprised you’re up,” Chris observed wryly.  It was well known Yuuri was not a morning person.

 

“Well, Vitya left the coffee pot on and it burned into the carafe.  My room currently smells...bad.”

 

“Oh, Victor…” Chris’s expression was soft and Yuuri then knew he was right.  Following Yuuri to a more private table, he sat down and stared into his mug.  “Are you mad at me?”

 

Yuuri thinned his lips and shook his head.  “No, I’m not.  But I will tell you that no matter how much he hides it, Phichit is hurt.”

 

Chris nodded.  “I should have known.  He has a lovely smile he uses to cover up his pain.”

 

“Like someone else we know,” Yuuri answered as he sipped the coffee.  “You still love him.”

 

Chris looked up in surprise.  “Well, we are friends,” he recovered.

 

Yuuri reached out and took his hand giving it a squeeze.  “If I were to guess, you’ve been in love with him just as long as I have.”

 

Chris trembled in his touch.  “I’m not...right for him.  He didn’t...love me enough.  He didn’t continue his recovery.”

 

Yuuri felt horrible for the pain and blame this man put on himself, “That’s not because of you.  Your support held him together until he was ready.”

 

“I wasn’t enough.”  Chris studied their hands then looked up with a regretful smile.  “It’s been a rough few years.  I’m glad he is happy.  I encouraged him to be with you.  I don’t want you to think otherwise.”

 

Yuuri drew a deep breath and released it slowly looking into Chris’ hazel eyes.  “I think...you’re in mourning.  You’ve been taking care of Victor for so long that I don’t think you know how not to...and here I am doing what you were doing.”

 

“Better than me,” Chris added.

 

Yuuri shook his head and shrugged.  “I wouldn’t say that.  You were what he needed at the time.”

 

“I don’t think I realized how unsettled it made me.  I want him to be happy.”

 

“You are still his friend.  That hasn’t changed.”

 

“I know,” Chris murmured sadly.  The tears caught him unaware, then he was rubbing his eyes roughly.  “This is ridiculous!  We haven’t been together officially for a long time.  Why is this affecting me?”

 

“You may have broken up but you didn’t truly part.  So there was still that intimacy connecting you.”

 

Chris studied their hands.  Yuuri cradled one of Chris’ hands in his.  It was warm, kind.  “This isn’t right.  You shouldn’t be comforting me.”

 

Squeezing his hand, Yuuri smiled reassuringly as Chris looked up.  “You are important to Victor.  Give yourself time to mourn your lost love, Chris.  He will always be your friend.  Once you’ve healed, things will fall back in order.”

 

Chris ducked down and added, “I should apologize to Phichit.”

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “Perhaps.  But take care of your own heart as well.”  He finished off his coffee as he watched Chris leave just before his phone buzzed.

 

**Victor/ Where are you?  Why does our room smell?**

 

Yuuri rolled his eyes and smiled indulgently.   _ You’re my beautiful mess. _  He took the elevator up to his room thinking over their schedule.  Practice at ten.  He was ready to go because he planned to spend the afternoon snuggled up with Victor watching movies and eating room service.  Hopefully friend drama was dealt with.

 

* * *

  
  
  


**Grand Prix Final, Barcelona, Spain - Free Skate**

 

JJ and Phichit completed their programs and now it was Yuuri’s turn.  He skated up to the barrier.  Victor leaned over and murmured, “My beautiful Yuuri.”

 

“So helpful,” Yuuri quipped back with an eyeroll.

 

“Should I put on my coach’s hat and say something to motivate you?” Victor offered with a raised eyebrow as he tapped his lip with his index finger.

 

Again, Yuuri rolled his eyes.  “I’m not attracted to Frank Carroll.  Just shut up and kiss me.”

 

Victor chuckled leaning forward to brush their lips together in plain sight of the press, fans, and well, everyone.  “Let them be jealous that I get to kiss the most beautiful man here.”

 

Yuuri laughed as he skated out backwards.  He brought his ring to his lips and kissed it as he settled into his starting position.  Victor answered with his own kiss.

 

Yuuri lifted his arms as the  [ music ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwvF1Lgh61w) fluttered through the notes of Yuuri’s early years.   _ I’ve always wanted to catch up to Victor...I never imagined he needed me just as much.  _  He landed the quad salchow, adjusting the program to represent what Yuri gave him during his time in Hasetsu.  Changing his triple loop to a triple flip, he smiled.  _  I know that surprised you.  This is for you as much as for me, Vitya.  For all of your struggles hidden behind your beautiful smiles.  I see you.  I’ve always seen you.  I know this next year will be hard for both of us, but we meet each other halfway.  I know that we will find a way to continue to support one another.  Because...I want to continue skating with you.  Forever.  _  He launched into a quad flip; his story begins and ends with Victor.  As he lands it, he smiles moving into his closing spin.  Reaching his arm towards Victor in his final pose, his thoughts rested on Victor.   _ You are my inspiration.  You are why I skate.  My story doesn’t exist without you _ .

 

He skated into Victor’s arms.  He couldn’t help the happy laugh bubbling out of him, the sight of Victor’s happy tears welcoming him.  “I couldn’t be more proud of you, my Yuuri,” he declared, hugging him, guiding him over to the chair.  “Do you know what you just did?”

 

Yuuri looked up and smiled.  “I...had fun.  I found what I lost along the way.  Thank you for showing me.”

 

Victor hugged Yuuri close.  “It was flawless!”  The announcer then declared Yuuri’s score.

 

**221.58, the NEW WORLD RECORD!**

 

Yuuri’s eyes widened and turned to Victor for reassurance.  He laughed and nodded.  “You did that.”

 

Chris followed, seducing the audience but both Yuuri and Victor could tell he was forcing his smiles.  Yuuri sighed and leaned into Victor.  “I talked to him yesterday morning.”

 

“He’s got to find his way...but I believe in him.”

 

“I know.  I think it’s a matter of time...but now maybe he acknowledges the real problem.  Hopefully that will help.”

 

Otabek skated next.  Yuuri and Victor watched his movements.  “He’s good,” Victor commented.  Yuuri nodded in agreement.

 

Yuri Plisetsky followed, his performance beautiful but without the other Yuuri’s stamina, he only only garnered 200.97 points.  As the points totaled up, Yuri missed out by a tenth of a point.  Yuuri looked at Victor in shock.  “That means…”

 

Victor nodded with a wide grin.  “It does.”

 

Bronze went to Otabek, Silver to Yuri, who fumed over a tenth of a point, and Gold rested around Yuuri’s neck.  He reached down and grasped both of his competitors’ hands.  They were then given flowers and were soon occupied with photos, followed by the press conference.  Finally, Yuuri was able to join Victor.

 

The young coach/skater smiled down at his student.  “I couldn’t have retired anyway.  Not after those performances.  Who knew a pair of Yu(u)ris would unseat me and make the fight worth it once more?”

 

Yuuri wound his arms around Victor’s neck.  “Isn’t that why you came out to see me?”

 

“Among other things,” Victor answered with a wink.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Yuuri stirred and slowly came awake.  The night’s activities produced a pleasant ache throughout his body as they mapped out every square inch of each other’s bodies.  They would be leaving on separate flights tomorrow to prepare for their individual Nationals.  A little over two weeks apart.  But for now, Yuuri had this.

 

He looked down at his lover...his fiance.  The sheets fell away from Victor’s hip, now naked to Yuuri’s eyes.  He could see the scars of Victor’s past.  They came a long way but Yuuri knew they would both continue fighting, no longer alone in their struggles.  He marveled that this man was his fiance, that they would continue their journey through life as partners.

 

He slipped from the sheets, a rare day when Victor slept later than him.  Putting the coffee on in the replacement pot brought to him the previous day by an amused maid, he stepped into the shower and washed away his aches.

 

He dressed before re-entering their room and poured a cup of coffee.  It was a luxury to watch Victor come alive in the morning.  The slow, full bodied stretch revealing more of his beautiful form.  The hand that shoved up into his hair.  The blue eyes that fluttered open seeking Yuuri out.  The dawning smile with its signature heart shape telling Yuuri just how happy he was to see the Japanese man.

 

An hour later, they walked down the beach each carrying coffee and a bagel, Victor’s blueberry with cream cheese, Yuuri’s savory spices and poppy seeds with a smear of butter.

 

“A year ago, you danced into my life and lit up the darkness,” Victor murmured.

 

Yuuri snorted.  “I was lit alright.  This year I’d like to remember dancing with you.  No alcohol.”

 

“I’m fine with that...besides, my doctor and my boyfriend frown about me drinking due to what it does to my meds.”

 

Yuuri smiled up at him.  “We are much better now.  Both of us.”

 

Victor turned to face the ocean.  “Thank you for helping me find my way.  I am much happier by your side.”

 

Yuuri finished his bagel and wound an arm around Victor’s waist.  “I was so anxious and unsettled last year.  You helped me find some semblance of equilibrium.  I feel...much more stable in your hands.  This is where I belong.”

 

“With all of the support we’re receiving, I feel like we can move forward.  I no longer feel like I’m in a holding pattern.”

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


The arena darkened and the spotlight settled on Yuuri as he opened up to skate Victor’s  _ Stammi Vicino. _ _ Stay close to me and never leave me _ .  As the words wound around Yuuri’s movements, he knew he wouldn’t, couldn’t leave him.  The music opened up and the crowd gasped and applauded as Victor joined Yuuri on the ice.  The cry went out a year ago when Victor skated the program, calling out for an answer.  Yuuri’s hand sliding over his cheek let everyone know that he answered, he was Victor’s...and Victor belonged to him.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Chris stood surveying the other skaters, coaches, officials, and sponsors at the banquet.  He’d dealt with the niceties and now his eyes stared out onto the dancefloor where his best friend danced with the love of his life.  A champagne flute settled into his hand and he looked up to see his own lover.  “Lawrie…”

 

“Are you sad?”

 

“No...I don’t think sad is the right word.  I felt empty for a while.  I think knowing helped my heart to adjust.”

 

“I still think we should hold off on marrying until you’ve healed.  I know you’ve loved him a long time.”

 

Chris tipped up his glass for a generous sip before nodding.  “A very long time...but I love him enough to know where he belongs.  And I think...he still loves me.”

 

Lawrie slipped his arms around him from behind, his gaze following the couple.  “I know he does.  Can you be happy with me?”

 

“I...can, Lawrie.  Victor and I wouldn’t have worked out in the end...like flames burning both ends of a candle.  We’d eventually flare up and break.  This way, the love doesn’t end, the friendship doesn’t end.”

 

Another figure crossed his field of vision and Lawrie nodded towards the boy.  “I think you need to fix something with another friend.”

 

“Do you mind?”

 

He nuzzled a kiss into Chris’ temple.  “Have I ever?”

 

Chris trailed away from his fiance.  Phichit had turned to watch the same couple.  “They are beautiful together,” Chris murmured from behind him.

 

Phichit glanced down gathering himself before looking up with that beautiful smile.  He was breathtaking as always.  “They are good together.”

 

“I agree.  Can we talk?”

 

Phichit grew serious and nodded allowing Chris to pull him away from others.  “What’s wrong?”

 

“I think you know what’s wrong.  I don’t know how to apologize for my behavior towards you.  I used you while avoiding my own pain.  It’s not an excuse.  It never should have happened.  And...I greatly regret that you were hurt.”

 

“Chris…”

 

“Lawrie and I are working through it...but I couldn’t move forward without talking to you, without making it right.”

 

Phichit sighed and gave him a sad smile.  “I think...if there was no Lawrie, I would have enjoyed getting to know you.  And perhaps exploring this attraction between us.  But we both know it wouldn’t work.  Not now.”

 

“No, I suppose it wouldn’t.  I’m learning that sometimes it’s good to just be friends.  Perhaps...in time we could try once more...as friends.”

 

Phichit smile softened.  “I could be your friend, Chris.  It’s where we started.”

 

* * *

  
  


Across the dance floor, Yuuri felt Victor nuzzle into his hairline.  “I think you would look lovely in roses,” Victor continued.  “Maybe peach roses to pull the browns out of your eyes.  Mixed in with some of those tiny white flowers.”

 

“Baby’s breath,” Yuuri supplied.  “And would you wear blue flowers for me?  Soft blues like...that tie you hate so much.”

 

Victor stepped back his eyes wide at the teasing from Yuuri.  “I think...we need to see how they work with the peach,” Victor suggested.

 

“And do you know when you want to do this?”

 

Victor smiled, pulling Yuuri back into his arms.  “This summer.  In Hasetsu.  Surrounded by close friends and family.”  He kissed the bridge of Yuuri’s nose.  “I always wanted to be a June bride.”

  
  


_ ~fin _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many thanks to my readers and to my editors! This story is a work of heart! Can you believe it? Another story finished!

**Author's Note:**

> “A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you, and the sentence is your life."
> 
> [Project Semicolon](https://projectsemicolon.com/) is dedicated to suicide prevention, partnering with everyone to make them a part of the solution. 
> 
> If you've come this far along the journey, you know that I love to hear from you. So please comment, leave kudos, share...that's the only payment I receive for this. And I appreciate all the encouraging words you send me. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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